Unwrap these Presents

by Astrid Ohletz

  I sighed happily, quite content to spend the rest of my life right where I was.

  “Merry Christmas, Nem.”

  Meet the Lesbians

  Ashley Stevens

  I sound like I have a slow air leak with all the sighing I’ve been doing in the past three minutes. I stare at the cell phone in my palm, one finger hovering above the key pad, and just when I think I have this under control, that I’m finally ready to dial her number, I jerk my finger away. Sitting on the uncomfortable sofa Kendall bought with the larger-than-life pillows, I press the first two keys and then hit the ‘end’ button. I hang my head. Between my feet is a gigantic dust bunny that looks like it’s having an easier day than me. An agitated sigh from across the room pulls my head back up.

  Kendall stands in front of me, arms folded over her chest. “I honestly have no idea what is so hard about calling your parents.” She huffs. Her face is serious as a damn heart attack, and suddenly, I feel guilty. Girls are kinda good at doing stuff like that, aren’t they?

  “You don’t know what she…what they’re like.”

  “She’s your mother for crying out loud. Call her already!”

  I toss the phone onto the coffee table and rub at my eyes like a sleepy child. “Kendall, you really don’t understand. My family is a little, well, different.”

  “Oh, whatever!” Kendall throws her hands in the air and walks into the kitchen. Twin staccato pops and low hissing drift to my ears, and then she’s back, shoving a beer in my face, the cold aluminum of the Pabst can rubbing against my nose. “Drink this, your testes will drop, and you will call her.”

  “Fine.” I sigh—again—and take a deep drink from the can. I dial her number quickly. I can’t help scowling at Kendall. I would pout, but that just isn’t appropriate at this point in time. I’m not going to get my way anyhow. The phone rings one, two, three times. On the fourth ring, I say, “I don’t think she’s there.”

  “Then leave a voicemail,” Kendall snaps.

  “I will, I will.” The ringing stops. I suck in a deep breath to leave a message when there comes the familiar cadence of my momma’s voice. Sometimes that cadence makes my eye twitch. This is one of those times.

  “Deacon! To what do I owe this surprise?”

  My slow air leak becomes a full-on pressure release. “Hi, Momma.”

  “I’ve been waiting for you to call me.”

  “The phone works both ways, Ma.”

  “Smart-ass. Anyway, we really need to talk about the holidays. Your aunt Dinah and I were thinking—”

  “Actually, that’s what I’m calling you about,” I say. “I have an idea.”

  “Do share, then!”

  How pathetic it is that I’m hesitating, that I’m searching for the courage to spit out the words I’ve actually spent time rehearsing. “I was thinking I’d come back home the week of Christmas and leave on New Year’s Day.”

  The line goes silent, and I think maybe we’ve been disconnected, but then I hear my mother’s infectious giggle. “You want to stay here for two weeks? That’s awesome! Oh, we are gonna have so much fun!”

  “Wait, I’m not finished. I’m not the only one coming home. I met someone.”

  “You what?” She gasps. “That’s wonderful! What’s her name? Where did you two meet? Tell me everything about her!”

  Her enthusiasm makes me chuckle. She’s always been easily excitable, kinda like a Chihuahua. A Chihuahua hyped up on crack. “Her name is Kendall. We met at Starbucks, and I promise I will tell you every last detail when we get there.”

  “Are you going to fly? Do we need to meet you at the Atlanta airport?”

  “No. We’re going to drive from Arkham to Atlanta, straight through. It’ll take a day and a half, maybe two.”

  “Well, I guess I’d better start getting the guest room ready. Oh, and I need to break out your baby book and the photo albums! How soon can we expect you?”

  “You really don’t need to do that,” I say. “Kendall and I have our last exam tomorrow. I was thinking we’d start the drive as soon as we’re done.”

  I can hear her clapping her hands as she relays the information to Aunt Dinah. “I can’t believe you’re going to be here so soon! We really have missed you, Deacon. Your brother just got here this morning. He’s going to be thrilled to see you.”

  “I can’t wait to see him either. Tell Cullen I’ll be there soon.”

  “I promise I will.” The line goes silent for a moment and then she says, “You won’t get here soon enough, sweetie. I’m so happy to have a full house for Christmas.”

  “It’ll be a blast, Momma. Well, I need to study for my exam, so I’ll let you go.”

  “Yes, you do that. Good luck. I love you so much, and please let me know when you two hit the road.”

  “I will. I love you too. Bye.” With that, I realize the easiest part of this whole ordeal is over.

  Kendall is grinning like a fool. “So I’ll get to meet your mother and her sister and your little brother? Awesome! Didn’t I tell you it wouldn’t be so bad?”

  I cut her a sideways glance. “Aunt Dinah’s not exactly my aunt.” How am I going to explain this one? Is seeing it in action easier than me trying to tell her about it? How can I tell her my momma and my aunt Dinah are lesbians?

  “Oh? So you mean she isn’t like a blood relative. I used to call my godmother my aunt. Anyway, we should start packing now. We need to get the GPS ready to go. Maybe we should bring some snacks along, too. What about presents?”

  Things are going so smoothly right now. Honestly, I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out. “We’ll figure all that out. Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

  “Of course I am.” She’s already up, heading for the bedroom. “It’s only right that I meet your family.”

  I follow her into the bedroom, where she’s lugging two large suitcases out from under the bed. I take the blue one and open it on the bed.

  “I don’t know why you say your family’s so different.” Kendall folds a pair of pajamas and lays it in her suitcase. “You and your mother seemed to have a perfectly normal phone conversation.”

  Here we go with the sighing again. “That’s just it. They aren’t normal. Nothing about them is. The conversation we had today was a total fluke and probably due to the fact that she was so surprised by it.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “You should,” I mumble.

  Kendall rolls her eyes. “We all have our little quirks. They make us interesting.”

  “My family has more quirks than anyone knows what to do with. Just please take my word for it. They all march to the beat of a different drum, and it’s usually one no one else can hear. I don’t want you to be surprised or insulted by them.”

  Kendall walks to my side of the bed. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek. She’s so warm, so soft. “I will love them just as I love you. So what if it takes some time to get used to them? It’s worth it because you’re worth it.”

  * * *

  As we cross the Georgia border, Kendall finally says it: “Tell me about your family. You really haven’t told me very much about them, well, other than the fact that they’re different. I’d at least like a brief introduction.”

  That’s kind of hard to do. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my family. On the contrary, I’m really quite proud of them. It’s their individual characters, however, that make me leery. And then when you put them all together, yeah, it’s funny as hell, but only if you get the joke.

  “Well,” I say, “there’s my brother, Cullen. His nickname is Tank. He’s a hulking, meaty creature who was a middle linebacker on the high school football team all four years. His neck looks like a pork roast, and he can crack all four knuckles on one hand just by making a fist.”

  Kendall wrinkles her nose. “I dunno, Deke. He sounds a little scary to me.”

  “Funny thing is, he’s a total teddy bear. He cries when he watches Steel Magnolias, help
s turtles cross the street, and picks up every stray dog. No lie, Kendall, we had six dogs once when I was a kid. Momma wanted to strangle him. Now he’s a chemistry major at Georgia State.”

  “Aw! So he’s just a big ol’ softie. I think I’d pay money to see a man cry watching Steel Magnolias. Now tell me about your aunt Dinah. The one who really isn’t your aunt.”

  “Dinah is a…a…a longtime family friend. She was there for my momma after her second divorce. She just kinda became a permanent fixture after that. Dinah’s really cool and really funny. She’s so laid-back, she may as well lie down, except during college football season.”

  “Why’s that? I don’t get it.”

  “She paces the living room, screams at the TV when her team plays, and once she’s had a beer or six, it loosens her tongue.” Insert nervous laugh here.

  She looks pensive for half a second and then asks, “What about your mother?”

  Just thinking about her makes me smile. I shake my head and snicker. “My momma is a hot mess.”

  “You keep saying that but then never elaborate. By the way, I find it incredibly cute you still call her ‘Momma.’”

  Heat creeps up my neck. “My momma is a free spirit in every sense of the word. She does as she pleases, says what she thinks, and doesn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks of her. She cusses like a sailor. One summer, Cullen and I bought an air horn and spent our entire vacation censoring her.”

  Kendall gives a belly laugh. “That’s hilarious! What else?”

  “My momma has always been one of my closest friends. There isn’t a single thing under the sun I can’t go to her with. Just beware: she’s got one helluva temper, so don’t cross her.”

  “Duly noted.”

  “She’s also the reason why I love music so much, mostly heavy metal. I went to my first concert with her. Someone knocked me down and stepped on me while they were moshing, so she got in the damn pit and beat the snot outta everyone in there. Came out without a scratch on her.”

  Kendall grins big. “They sound awesome, Deke. You should be so proud of them.”

  I slip my hand off the wheel and over hers. “I’m proud of you.” Yeah, I’m a smooth operator. “By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you this, but I keep forgetting. Do you like pets?”

  “Sure, I do. I have a dog back home.”

  “I mean, like, nontraditional pets.”

  “Like ferrets?”

  “Uh, kinda, yeah.”

  “Of course! There’s nothing in this world like a pet. Why do you ask? What kind of fur baby does your mother have?”

  I flick on the turn signal to get off at the next exit. The car needs gas, and I need to stretch my legs. “I think it’s best if you wait and see for yourself.”

  “Will you at least tell me its name?”

  “Sappho.” I have to stifle a chuckle, wondering whether she’ll make the connection between the poet of Lesbos and my lesbian mothers once she gets there. “Let’s tank up and get some snacks. We only have an hour and a half left until we’re there.”

  Kendall cocks an eyebrow. “Whatever you say, chief.”

  Our journey from Massachusetts to Georgia is almost over. Then Christmas break with my big, gay family will ensue. What can possibly go wrong?

  * * *

  Past the hideous stucco house on the right, down to the third house on the left with the red front door and the tacky Christmas decorations, there is my childhood home. Not a thing has changed. Still the same lights, which never blink in unison, strewn on the house in no particular order. Still the same plastic nativity scene with Joseph’s face half singed off from Cullen attempting to replace the lightbulb. Still the same inflatable Santa Claus driving his reindeer-drawn sleigh—even though it looks like he’s boning one of his reindeer.

  Kendall chortles and points at the house as we approach it. “Now that, my friend, is a hot mess!”

  I press my lips together, praying to God, Allah, Cthulhu, Shiva, and anyone else who can possibly hear me that this trip won’t turn out to be a mistake. “That’s where we’re going,” I say as we pull into the driveway.

  A couple of forms stand at the picture window in the living room.

  I put the car in park and kill the engine.

  “I didn’t mean…”

  I hold up one finger. “No, it’s okay. It looks like Christmas shat all over the front yard. I know. The inside isn’t any better.” I want to give her a quick kiss, but it’s too late.

  The familiar groan of the heavy front door fills the still winter air, and Cullen is running for the car. It doesn’t matter if I get out now or stay inside; either way I’m screwed, so I open my door slowly, quietly.

  Cullen grabs me by my waist and throws me over his shoulder. I close my eyes as he runs around the yard, my head bouncing limp as a ragdoll. Everyone is cackling, even Kendall.

  When he finally puts me down, he gives me a hard punch in the chest. “I freakin’ missed ya, man!”

  My momma and Aunt Dinah each plant a kiss on my cheeks and hug me tightly. My momma’s long, gray hair smells like patchouli.

  “Hey, guys.”

  “It’s so good to have you home.” Momma smooshes my cheeks together, making my lips stick out like a fish’s. She kisses me again. “We have missed you so much! You have to tell us all about school.”

  “Please,” adds Aunt Dinah. “We all want to know what it’s like living in Massachusetts. We’ve also had to listen to Cullen nonstop for two days and could really use a change of pace.”

  “It’s true.” Cullen grins, and it’s that grin that has always inspired me to sleep with one eye open.

  We all share a laugh; then I realize Kendall is standing half behind me, holding my hand. I pull her to my side. “I would like you all to meet Ms. Kendall Mannheim.”

  Without waiting for an invitation, my momma hugs Kendall. “It’s good to have you here, Kendall. We’ve all been looking forward to meeting you. Let’s take this party inside. I’ve got some goodies fresh from the oven.”

  We all traipse inside, Kendall and I bringing up the rear. She whispers to me, “She’s sweet, and so is your aunt. I dunno why you said they’re weird. If anyone is weird, it’s your brother.”

  “You’ll see. They slowly suck you into the insanity. Don’t be fooled.”

  Cullen turns around. “Did you tell her about the pig?”

  I sigh and roll my eyes as I shove Cullen through the front door.

  “Pig? What pig?” Kendall asks.

  “I think what my brother meant to ask was did I tell you about what a pig he is?” I say loudly enough for both Cullen and Kendall to hear as I shut the door.

  As we make our way to the living room from the foyer, my momma flutters out of the kitchen with a heaping plate of Christmas cookies.

  I hang back and take hold of her elbow. “I haven’t told her,” I whisper in her ear.

  “Haven’t told her what?” she asks at normal volume.

  I shush her. “I haven’t told Kendall you and Aunt Dinah are lesbians.”

  “Oh.” She nods and then says, “Okay, I gotcha. You’re going to, right?”

  “Of course.”

  We enter the living room, where Kendall has already been recruited to help decorate the Christmas tree. Cullen is running his mouth nonstop about God only knows what.

  “…so then I told the guy not to mix it together, but he did anyway. It was like a damn flash bang went off in the lab! Man, was our professor pissed!”

  Aunt Dinah groans. “If I put duct tape over his mouth, is it still considered child abuse? He is an adult now.”

  “But wait! It gets better!” Cullen is about to jump out of his skin if he doesn’t get a chance to finish his story about combustibles, but as soon as he sees the cookies, we all enter into a blissful state of quiet. He snatches one off the plate before my momma can even put it down.

  “Judas, Cullen! I know you aren’t starving. That spare tire around your waist tells m
e they feed you good at Georgia State, or at least The Varsity does.” She puts the plate down, frowning. “Where’s Sappho? Did someone leave her outside?”

  Cullen rises from his place on the couch and tiptoes as quietly as he can to the backdoor.

  I think now is the best time to tell Kendall about our nontraditional pet, but the sound of hooves scrambling against the hardwood floor tells me I missed my opportunity. A black potbelly pig wearing a sweater is standing in the doorway, snorting and wagging its curly little tail. Sappho, Momma’s anniversary present from Aunt Dinah six years ago, walks up to me, begging for her ears to be rubbed.

  I turn to introduce Kendall to Sappho, but in less than two seconds, things are going to hell in a handbasket.

  “Holy crap! It’s a pig!” Kendall shouts and then stares, eyes wide.

  Sappho is excited about this new human. In fact, I don’t think excited is the appropriate word. This little piggy is all fired up. Sappho lets out the snort to end all others, kicks up her heels, and runs full force at Kendall. Sappho isn’t huge, but she’s big enough—sixty pounds of pure pork chop, bacon, and fat back. With the gracefulness and glee of a ballet dancer, she leaps into the air and knocks Kendall backward. The wind is knocked out of her as she lands; the ornament in her hand rolls away under the couch.

  And now Sappho is snuffling and snorting and licking my girlfriend. Seriously? On what planet does this happen? Who has a pig for a pet? My parents aren’t different enough by being gay so they had to adopt a pig, too?

  My momma wrestles Sappho off Kendall while Aunt Dinah helps her off the floor and onto the couch. She pulls an ottoman from its hiding place and props Kendall’s feet up. Then my jackass brother says, “Is it safe to laugh yet?”

  I glare at him so hard that if looks could kill, Satan would have risen from the depths of Tartarus and made Cullen spontaneously combust. “Are you all right?” I ask Kendall.

  “Yeah, I think so.” She gingerly rubs her belly where Sappho’s front hooves connected. “Is she like that with everyone?”