by D Gourlay
Which is why I’m a little concerned when I roll over in bed to find him missing. Until I smell bacon. I climb out of bed and as I am walking down the stairs I can hear Tad and Ami in the kitchen. They are talking and laughing, and from the smells and sizzling sounds, they must be cooking breakfast.
I walk into the kitchen and can’t hide the huge smile on my face. Ami is flipping a pancake on one side of the hob, and Tad is wrestling with a bit of bacon that appears to be stuck.
“You need to use the other frying pan for bacon.” I call from behind them and they both jump.
“A frying pan is a frying pan, why is this one such a bas- pest, such a pest.” Tad corrects himself and Ami and I both laugh.
“We were trying to make you breakfast in bed.” Ami says while rolling her eyes.
“That’s sweet, but now we can all eat together. Here Tad, why don’t you make the coffee and I’ll do that.” I take over from him and try to rescue the disheveled piece of bacon.
“How are you feeling baby?” I ask Ami quietly while Tad fiddles with the coffee machine.
“I’m okay.” She smiles. “I just want things to get back to normal.” She shrugs.
“I know, me too.”
As I’m clearing the plates in the kitchen my phone rings. Robins. I sigh.
“Hello?”
“Rachel, the coroner informed me you will be dealing with Kevin’s remains?”
“Yes, that’s right. I think it would be the closure we all need to have some sort of funeral for him. Plus he is still my daughter’s father.”
“Of course. Well the body has been released to the funeral directors today, so you can contact them whenever you’d like to make arrangements.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“Have a good day.”
Oh yes, it’s going to be a wonderful day, having to sort out a funeral for someone I absolutely despise.
Tad
Kevin’s own parents haven’t even turned up to his funeral. I had thought the only people in attendance would be Rachel, Ami and I. However, just as the extremely small, pitiful service starts, in walks a familiar man and woman. It takes me a couple of seconds until I remember where I know them from, the court case. They are Sally Barker’s parents.
I offer them a small smile, and they hover towards the back of the large hall. Neither are dressed in black, and it’s clear neither of them are here to mourn the dead. They are here to make sure he is really gone, and I can’t blame them at all for that.
The priest gives an extremely short speech, about Kevin’s parents and that he was a Dad to Ami. What else is there to say? He is an evil man who committed heinous crimes and will surely spend eternity in hell? Of course he can’t say that, so he tells a story about how people must forgive the dead and move on with their lives so they don’t remain stuck in the past.
I glance next to me at Ami as the coffin containing Kevin’s body disappears behind a curtain, and I can see her eyes are filled with silent tears. I give her hand a reassuring squeeze and she offers me a brief smile.
Rachel spots Mr and Mrs Barker as we are leaving the chapel, and they smile sadly at her, before hurrying out of the doors.
“What happens now?” Ami asks and shrugs toward the closed curtains.
“Well, they will cremate your Dad, and then in a few days we can go and pick up his ashes. It’s up to you what you want to do with them.” Rachel squeezes Ami’s hand comfortingly. “You can scatter them somewhere, or you can keep them if you want.”
“I don’t think we should keep them.” She says quickly, and the relief I feel is immediate. The thought of his ashes on my fireplace was not an appealing one.
“Have a think about it, no rush.” Rach smiles.
The car ride home is quiet. Not uncomfortably so, just peaceful. Kevin had been a dark cloud, shadowing our lives for so long. It’s, in part at least, a relief not to have that shadow looming over us anymore. I can understand Ami’s sadness, monster or not, he was still her father. And Rachel is her mother, anything that upsets Ami is bound to upset her too. But, I feel no sadness. No remorse or guilt.
I did at first. Nightmares plagued my sleep to the extent I preferred drinking copious amounts of caffeine or alcohol instead of even attempting sleep. The guilt I felt every time I stared at that little girl just broke me. She has been through so much in her short life, and now any chance of reconciliation with her Dad, no matter how small that chance may have been, I had stolen from her.
Yes I can, and will, adopt her, and I think of her as my daughter; but there will come a day where she will want answers from her biological Dad. She will never get those answers now.
That’s how Ami found me one night. Falling asleep on the sofa, tepid coffee spilling on to my lap as the mug slipped from my hand. She came and sat next to me and told me off. A ten year old girl actually told me off!
“You can’t stay awake all the time, it’s bad for you and you’ll get poorly. Then who will look after me and Mum? I heard Mum talking to Nanny. She said you feel bad about what happened. You shouldn’t. I’m not sad because my Dad is dead, I’m sad because he was such a bad person.
“Please don’t tell Mum, but I saw people talking about Dad on the news. I heard them talking about all the things that he did, and the things he said to you. If you hadn’t killed him then he would have killed you, and probably Mum too! I’d have nobody. What you did was brave Tad, and I’m proud of you.”
With that, she wrapped her arms around me and I found myself silently congratulating Rachel on having raised such an intelligent and mature little girl.
I took her upstairs, tucked her into bed, and then crawled in next to Rachel, where I had the first peaceful night’s sleep I’d had in a long while.
Chapter Nineteen
The house is filled with balloons, glitter and all things unicorn. All hints of sadness from the funeral a few days ago are gone, and have been replaced by excitement over Ami’s birthday.
She decided on having a few friends round to watch films and eat pizza and cake. Now that they have all left, Leo, Mary, Danny and Celine have all come to wish her a happy birthday.
These people have become like family to me, and they have all helped so much over the last few weeks that I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them. I’m not used to having anyone to rely on. Not really. Scott has been round to check in on me, of course. But his idea of helping is bringing round an unopened bottle of whiskey. Although I absolutely was not complaining when we were three quarters of the way through the bottle.
But Mary and Leo have been amazing at looking after Ami, making sure Rachel and I had time to ourselves to sort through the more difficult parts. And Celine has been a shoulder for Rachel while I was too lost in my own guilt to be there for her.
We all burst into a loud verse of Happy Birthday as Rachel struggles to carry in one of the most beautiful and intricate unicorn cakes I have seen. It really is stunning and a little part of me beams with pride that my beautiful wife is able to make cakes like that.
Suitably embarrassed, Ami closes her eyes and makes a silent wish before blowing out her candles.
“What did you wish for?” Celine asks once the smoke has cleared.
Ami grins as she looks between Rachel and I. “Not telling or it won’t come true.” I catch Rachel looking at me and can’t help but wonder what exactly her wish was.
“Can I open my presents now?” She asks excitedly before rushing over to the pile in the corner and ripping at the paper enthusiastically.
I would say she has been spoiled, but she has been through so much that she deserves every last gift she received.
Underneath the last box is an envelope. Rachel catches my arm and grins at me as Ami picks up the envelope and looks around curiously.
“Open it.” Rachel urges.
Ami tears open the envelope cautiously and removes the forms from inside. A huge smile spreads across her face. “Adoption order?” She says q
uietly, and almost immediately everyone in the room has stopped talking and is staring at Ami.
“I wanted it to be a surprise.” I say as I walk over to her. “Me and your Mum have done our bit, the only thing left is for a social worker to speak to you. As long as you are happy with it, I can legally adopt you.” I breathe a nervous laugh while I wait for Ami to say something. But she is just staring at the papers.
Just as I start to panic, she throws the form in the air and flings her arms around my stomach tightly. “Love you, Tad.”
“Love you too, Aims.” I say as I kiss her softly on the hair, before I hear sniffing from behind me. Both Celine and Mary are sobbing into paper napkins and Ami and I burst out laughing.
Rachel
It’s late by the time everyone has gone, and by the time I manage to bribe Ami to actually go to bed, Tad is already half asleep on the sofa.
I crawl on to his lap and rest my head on his shoulder. There was a point after Kevin died that I worried there may be no fixing Tad and I. He was so distant, so guilt ridden, and I wasn’t sure we would be able to get through it.
Something happened though. I’m not sure what, and I haven’t asked through fear of jinxing it, but something changed almost overnight. I genuinely couldn’t be happier right now, I just don’t think it’s possible.
“Is she asleep?” Tad murmurs sleepily into my ear.
“Yes. Finally. Too much cake and excitement I think.” I laugh.
“At least she had a good day. It’s the least she deserves.”
“She had a great day.” I kiss him softly on the neck. “You really went all out today. Thank you.”
“No need to thank me, I enjoy making my girls happy.”
“And what about you, are you happy?” I lift my head and sit up to look at him.
“Of course I am. I have the most amazing wife in the world.” He kisses me softly on the lips. “And to top it off, I now get to call this amazing, insanely intelligent little girl my daughter.” His smile is genuine and it fills me with such happiness I could burst.
“You’re sexy when you smile, you know.” I lean in and kiss him, hard on the lips.
“You’re sexy all the time.” He growls as he nips my bottom lip.
Something stirs deep inside me, something that has been hiding away for a while now. Instinctively I kiss him, harder, and deeper, and I am rewarded with the rapid feeling of hardening coming from under me.
It’s in that moment that I know, this is it. The horrible things we have gone through over the last few months are well and truly behind us, and we get to move on, together, as a family. No threats following us, no past demons resurfacing, endangering our happiness.
He stands, lifting me in his arms as he goes, and I wrap my arms around him as he positions his arms under my legs to carry me. He is heading towards the basement, and I can feel my pulse beating in every part of my body.
♦ ♦ ♦
I wake the next morning, alone in bed. Tad must have carried me up, as the last thing I remember is passing out in the basement in post orgasmic bliss.
I stretch my arms out and my hand brushes past something hard. I turn my head to see a large pink envelope and a box of chocolates. I almost forgot it was my birthday and I smile as I sit to open my card.
For my beautiful wife on her birthday… He has designed a card, using a photo from our wedding.
To my amazing wife Rachel,
Thank you for everything. You mean the absolute world to me, and I can’t tell you how much I love you.
Ami and I have planned a special day for you, so have some chocolates, head on downstairs, and have a wonderful birthday.
All my love, forever Tad xx
I eye the box of chocolates and decide it is my birthday after all, so I open the box and have a couple before making my way downstairs.
Waiting for me in the kitchen is a pot of freshly brewed coffee, plates and plates of croissants, pains au chocolate, Danish pastries, fruit and even a bottle of champagne on ice. But I can’t find Tad or Ami anywhere. I pour myself a coffee before I head towards the island, laden with breakfast treats, and find a note written in Ami’s neat handwriting.
Had a couple of last minute things to sort out, will be back really soon. Love you. Ami and Tad xx
I sit down and start picking at the various bits, while wondering what it is that they’re up to. I unlock my phone and start reading through the birthday messages being sent from people, as I’m writing a reply to Celine, I hear keys in the door.
When I turn, I see the biggest bunch of sunflowers heading towards me, and it takes a second before I realise that Ami is carrying them, but they are so big that I can see nothing but her legs!
“Happy birthday Mummy!” She squeals as she reaches me, handing me the massive bunch of flowers.
“Oh, wow! Thank you baby!” I put the flowers on the side and lift her up for a big cuddle. “Where’s Tad?” I ask curiously, noting the door is still open and he hasn’t come in yet.
“He’s just trying to sort something out.” She says, eyes scanning between me and the door. I start to stand up to go and find out where he is, when she stops me. “No, you have to wait here.”
“Why?” I ask, amused.
“It’s a surprise. Go upstairs and get dressed and I’ll come and get you when it’s safe to come down.”
I frown at her but relent, and take my coffee with me. I try to peek out of the front door on my way up the stairs, but Ami sprints ahead of me and closes the door so I can’t see.
After the fifth loud bang and muffled swear word, I can’t help but tip toe from my room and hover at the top of the stairs.
“Honestly Tad,” an extremely out of breath voice says that I recognise immediately as my Dad. “You’re an intelligent man, did you not think to measure the doorway?”
“I did!” An equally out of breath, and slightly irritated Tad replies. “It’s just bigger than I thought!”
“Come on you two!” Ami says from somewhere near the stairs, and I decide not to risk poking my head around to see what’s going on.
There’s more banging, shouting and what sounds like furniture scraping along the floor before I hear the door shut, so I run back into my room and close the door.
I’m still waiting there almost half an hour later, and I’m starting to worry when Tad walks in, looking very red faced and a little out of breath.
“Hi.” I smile at him.
“Hi.” He says as he flops on the bed next to me. “Happy birthday.” He looks at me and smiles before kissing me gently on the lips. “Got a surprise for you downstairs.”
“Is it my Dad? ’Cause I already heard him, so not really a surprise.” I poke my tongue out slightly at him and he laughs.
“No, not your Dad, I just had to phone him as I might have misjudged the size of your present.”
Ami is waiting at the bottom of the stairs, smile beaming up at me as I walk down. She directs me to the front room and I walk in, scanning the room looking for something new.
It takes me less than a second before my eyes stop on a huge new item in front of the window. The most beautiful grand piano I have ever seen. It looks similar to the one from our hotel room in New York, and I can’t even speak.
I walk over and my hand glides across the gleaming black wood. I turn to look at Tad, open mouthed, and notice him leaning against the wall, smiling at me. I look back around and notice Dad putting some tools back into a bag, before he looks up and smiles at me.
“Happy Birthday princess.” He walks over and kisses me on the head. “I’m going to leave you to it, but I’ll be back later with your Mum. Just wish I’d given you our present first as I have a feeling nothing is going to top this!” He laughs, and I just stand there, open mouthed, shocked at Tad’s gift.
“Thanks Leo. I’ll see you later.” I hear in the distance as I turn back to look at the piano. I sit down on the stool and press a key, the sound sends shivers down my spine and before I re
alise what I am doing, I’ve started playing the song that I made up when I was a child.
Tad comes and stands next to me, and I’m half aware of Ami standing behind me.
“Do you like it?” Tad asks as I finish playing.
“Like it? Tad, it’s- I love it! Thank you!” I stand and throw my arms around his neck.
“Ami chose it.” He nods his head towards a rather shocked looking Ami.
“I had no idea you knew how to play the piano Mum! I thought Tad was just being nice when he said you were amazing!” I just laugh as I turn to pull her into my arms. “Can you teach me?” She says excitedly.
“I can give it a go!” I laugh. “Now I can see why you were struggling to get it in! How did you manage it?”
“The legs come off.” Tad smiles and Ami rolls her eyes at him in some kind of inside joke.
The next morning I wake early. Too early. It’s still dark outside. I turn over and try to get comfortable but a wave of nausea flows over me and I have to take a deep breath to stop myself hurling all over Tad.
Mum and Dad came round last night bringing my favourite Indian takeaway, and a chocolate cake to serve at least ten people. All that food plus wine has clearly not agreed with me and I tip toe into the bathroom, trying not to wake Tad.
I open the medicine cabinet, searching for some antacids to try to ease my poor stomach. I grab a box, but instead of it being the Rennies I was looking for, it’s a pregnancy test. I go to put it back when I suddenly wonder when the last time was I had a period.
My heart starts to beat a little faster as I genuinely can’t remember. Quickly opening the box and running to the toilet, I do my thing, and within seconds I can see not one, but two lines.
