'Charge It': Keeping Up With Harry
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IN WHICH SOCRATES BREAKS THE DRAG AND TANDEM MONOPOLY IN POINTVIEW
"Harry's father came often for a smoke and talk with me after dinner,and his favorite subject was Harry. As a subject of conversation,Harry was more successful than the average crime. In this respect heresembled a divorce or a murder. That's how it happened that Harry goton my mind. He is one of the most skilful riders of the human mindthat I know of. He was wearing us out, and we were all bucking to gethim off. Well, his father was thinking about him while I was thinkingabout the rest of Pointview. It was another case of Rome and Caesar.Harry's last achievement was to accuse his father of being thefossiliferous remnant of an ancient time.
"'The truth is, Harry hasn't enough competition in his line,' Isuggested, one evening. 'The other boys are doing well, but they don'tkeep up with him.
"'You know after I left college, in my youth, I spent a couple ofyears in Wyoming. Well, Mary Ann Crowder was the only single ladywithin a hundred miles, and she was the most obstreperous damn critterthat I ever saw. She had a monopoly an' knew it, an' wasn't decentlypolite. Put on more style than a nigger at a cakewalk. Though she hadred hair an' only one eye, some of the boys used to ride sixty milesfor a visit with her. Then they had to swim the Snake River and maybewrestle with a tame bear that was loose in the dooryard. By and by aman with two unmarried daughters moved on to a ranch near us, and thenMary Ann began to be polite. She suddenly became a human being, an'killed the bear, an' moved across the river an' married the first manthat proposed, and lived happily ever after.
"'What we need here is another drag and tandem.'
"'Get what you need, and I'll pay the bills,' said Harry's father.
"So I went to a sale in New York, bought my drag and tandem-cart, andhad them shipped to Pointview. Our local sign-painter put a crest or,rather, a kind of royal hatchment, on the panels of both. Then I soldthem for next to nothing to a local livery on conditions. Its newowner agreed to use the drag for chowder-parties, and to break theworst-looking nags in his stable to drive tandem on the cart.
"Tommy Ruggles, a smart-looking knight of the currycomb, whose firstname was a kitchen word in Pointview, sprang to my assistance. He hadcurly hair, and a good deal of natural cuteness, and was, moreover, 'adivvle with the girls.' He contracted with me to take a selected listof female servants for an airing in the tandem-cart. He was to get aroyalty of five dollars a head on every servant that was properlyaired, with a small premium on red ones.
"He began with Big Bertha, our worthy German countess. Tommy had aplayful humor, and cracked his long whip over the rough-harnessed nagsand merrily tooted his horn as the rig lumbered along through the mainstreets of our village. Many laughed and many wondered, while an armyof noisy kids followed and hung on behind.
"Tommy got his second girl, who was hit on the head with a ripetomato, and then it was all over. The girls wouldn't stand for it. Thesport had become too exciting. Tommy told me how he had invitedBridget Maloney, and she had said: 'Na-a-ah! Do yez take me for anidiot? Sure every rotten egg in the town would be jumpin' at me.'
"It suggested an idea. As the imitation idiots had given out, wewould try the real thing. So I 'phoned the manager of our thrivingidiot asylum on the Post Road and arranged to have Tommy take one ofhis patients every day for a drive in the cart. Why shouldn't all theidiots enjoy themselves? Fresh air would be good for them. It wouldturn the cart into a charity which would cover a part of my sins. Iasked for the better class of idiots--the quiet ones, who had senseenough to appreciate a good thing. The parade began and continued dayafter day.
"Harry had retired his tandem after Tom, with a stiff-backed idiot byhis side, had clattered after him through the village behind the twospavined nags to the amusement of many people. He had kept up withHarry.
"Soon that kind of a rig was known as the Idiot Wagon. Then Tommyresigned; it was more than he could stand. He said he was willing todo any honest work for money, but not that. He said that the idiotsimagined themselves rich, and put on so much style that it made thewhole thing ridiculous.
"'Never mind--it's the habit of idiots,' I said.
"'One of 'em thinks he's Napoleon Bonaparte, an' calls me his man, andwears a plug hat and sits as straight as a ramrod, and bows to thepeople when they laugh at him,' said Tommy. 'Some of 'em get stuck onthe cart, and it's a fight to get 'em out of it. I tell ye, I'm sicko' the job. The sight o' that cart makes me feel nutty.'
"'Never mind, Tom,' I said; 'you've been a public benefactor, and youand the cart are entitled to an honorable discharge.'
"Every bright day the drag was tooling over the road with picnic-partieson their way to one of the popular beaches. Our local lodges andpolitical clubs, and now and then a load of Italians, were able toenjoy the luxury which had been the exclusive delight of Harry and thefluffy maidens of Pointview.
"Drags an' tandems are all right if you don't go too far with 'em. Wewere just in time to prevent them from becoming tools of degenerationin our village."