Never Be Alone

by Paige Dearth

  The man looked at it. “You live kinda close to be renting a room here.”

  “Are you renting rooms or writing a book? Here,” Ragtop said, pushing two twenty-dollar bills across the counter. “Can I have the key?”

  The man opened a drawer, pulled out a single key, and counted her change. “Take that hallway down to the end and make a left. Your room is on the right. Don’t forget I need your money by eleven a.m. every day or you’re outta here.”

  Their room had dark-brown paneling, and the floor was covered in light-blue carpet with dark-brown stains in various places. A queen-size bed sat in the middle of the room with a thin, red-and-yellow-plaid bedspread. A small television sat on top of a battered dresser. They both looked around, and Joon placed the shopping bags that held all of her belongings on the bed.

  “This is nice,” she said.

  Ragtop raised her eyebrows. “Yep, it’s a lot better than the underpass. I’m gonna put our stuff in the drawers while you go and check out the bathroom.”

  Joon rushed to the only door inside the room. “It’s got a tub and a toilet and a sink, but they’re dirty. I can clean really good, so I’ll fix it all up.”

  “You gotta have stuff to clean with, and we need to use our money to keep sleeping here…get us through the winter. We’ll see how it goes.”

  Joon turned back to Ragtop. “Okay. What do you wanna do now?”

  “I wanna sleep. I’m tired as hell. How about if you watch TV and I’ll take a nap?”

  Joon pulled semi-clean clothes from her shopping bag. “First, I’m gonna take a bath, and then, I’ll watch TV.”

  “You do that,” Ragtop said as she fell asleep.

  Joon went into the bathroom and undressed. She hadn’t taken a real bath in months. The air on her skin raised goose bumps. When she stepped into the tub of warm water, she savored it. She used the products that they’d bought, and it wasn’t long before the water became murky. She opened the drain, then turned on the shower and basked in the feeling of being clean.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Their first night in the motel, at eleven in the evening, Ragtop left Joon sleeping peacefully. She didn’t return until five o’clock the next morning. Ragtop opened the motel room door slowly, and when she did, she found Joon lying on the bed awake, staring up at the ceiling.

  “Where were you?” Joon asked, propping herself up on her elbows.

  “I had to run out,” Ragtop said.

  “Why are you dressed like that?”

  Ragtop looked down at her miniskirt and low-cut top and tried not to get irritated. “Why are you asking so many questions?”

  “Because…I woke up and you weren’t here. I was scared. I thought something bad had happened to you.”

  Ragtop sat on the edge of the bed next to the girl. “Nothing happened to me. I’m fine. See?”

  “Are you dressed like that because a pimp turned you out?” Joon asked. “That’s the way the girls you showed me dressed, and you said they were turned out.”

  Ragtop let out a heavy sigh. “No. I do not have a pimp that turned me out.”

  “Do you promise?”

  Ragtop rubbed her temples and considered what to tell the child and went with the truth—or at least, part of it. “Look, Joon, the only way we can stay inside, in this motel, during the winter is if we can pay for it. I’m doing adult things so we can afford it.”

  “You mean you’re selling sex.” Joon sat up in the bed. “You told me never to do that.”

  “That’s absolutely right. You are never to do it.”

  Joon scooted closer to her. “Then why are you doing it?”

  “Joon…baby, I was almost grown when my momma and daddy threw me out of the house. The only way I thought I could survive was to have sex for money. I did pretty good for a long time. Then, Richy Love came along and turned me into one of his girls. That’s when things went bad for me.”

  Joon laid her head on Ragtop’s shoulder. “Why did things go bad?”

  Ragtop grabbed one of her dreadlocks and rubbed it between her fingers. “Because Richy Love started giving me drugs. Holy shit, they made me feel real good too. Before I knew it, I couldn’t go a day without getting high. That’s when Richy took over my customers and all the money I made.”

  “How did you make it stop?”

  The woman took in a long breath, held it for a few seconds, and let it out slowly. Reliving the experience gave her anxiety, but she thought it may help Joon stay out of trouble. “I met Thatch. I tried to get him to pay me for sex, but instead, he took me to a restaurant and bought me a hot meal. He took me to TeTe’s house—he rented a house back then, before he got laid off from his job. TeTe let us crash there for a couple of weeks. TeTe helped Thatch get me off drugs. TeTe lived in another part of the city and kept me away from Richy Love for a couple weeks,” Ragtop explained.

  “Were you and TeTe in love?”

  Ragtop grunted and chuckled. “Nah, it wasn’t nothing like that. We were just really good friends—still are. TeTe has been with the same girl for as long as I’ve known him. Once they lost their house, they moved around the city, sleeping in different places, but they stayed together. TeTe helped me because, when he was hooked on drugs, somebody helped him. When Thatch brought me to his house that day, high and trying to sell my ass, he felt he needed to help me. I was young. I was so scared…”

  Joon put her arm around Ragtop’s waist. “TeTe and Thatch were really nice to you just like you’re nice to me.”

  “Yeah, well, when I first saw ya, I thought you were lost. Then when I found out what your story was, I wanted to help you.”

  Joon’s street smarts over the past months had progressed. She was tempted to let the subject drop but couldn’t—she had to know for sure. “You’re selling sex. That’s why you’re dressed like that, right?”

  Ragtop nodded and lowered her chin to her chest. “Yeah, baby, that’s what I’m doing.” She looked Joon in the eyes. “But it’s only for the winter, so we can keep warm. That’s it. Once spring comes, I’m gonna stop.”

  “I think you should stop now. We can go live somewhere else. Maybe we can live at the train station or maybe we can both get jobs,” Joon said, her voice weighted with desperation.

  “I wish things were that easy, but they ain’t. For now, this is what I’m gonna have to do. You don’t need to worry. I know how to take care of myself,” Ragtop said, assuring the girl.

  “But what if something happens to me when you’re not here?”

  “Ain’t nothing gonna happen to you. Keep the door locked. I have the key and I won’t knock. That’s the deal.”

  Joon’s belly swirled thinking about Ragtop out on the streets, alone in the night. “I’m scared, Ragtop. I’m afraid something is gonna happen to you,” she said and collapsed into the woman’s lap.

  Ragtop rubbed the girl’s back. “Fear is just our imagination playing tricks on us. There ain’t no such thing as fear. As you get older, I want you to remember that facing fears, running them out of your mind, is the only way you can really enjoy the life that you have. Now go on and get yourself cleaned up. When you’re finished, I’ll walk you over to Ginger for your schooling.”

  Joon obeyed, and as she showered and dressed, she fought back her fears, trying to convince herself they were useless. She vowed to herself that she would battle her fears. No matter how scared she was, she’d remember that Ragtop said it was just her imagination playing tricks on her. More than anything, Joon wanted Ragtop to be proud of her.

  Chapter Sixteen

  By Thanksgiving, Joon was alone every night in the motel room while Ragtop worked the streets. The girl tried to sleep, but always found it difficult when Ragtop wasn’t with her. She didn’t understand how Ragtop could get naked with so many men. She had done research at the library about prostitution, which helped her discuss it more openly with Ragtop. Joon couldn’t understand how her friend could have sex with strangers, especially because Ragtop had told
her that it wasn’t enjoyable, but it paid the rent and kept them fed.

  It was Thanksgiving Eve and Ragtop was getting dressed to work the streets, looking in the mirror, applying her makeup.

  “Thanksgiving is tomorrow, you know,” Joon said. “Maybe we can have a turkey dinner.”

  “That’s the plan, sugar. I’m gonna work my ass off so we can go have us a real good dinner at one of those nice restaurants.”

  “This will be the first Thanksgiving I’ve ever celebrated,” Joon stated.

  Ragtop stopped brushing the mascara along her eyelashes and turned to face Joon. “I’m sure you had Thanksgiving when you lived with your mama and daddy.”

  “Probably, but it’s hard to remember now. After I moved in with Aron, I wasn’t allowed to eat with them, and definitely not on the holidays. Anyway, I’m excited we’re going to have our own Thanksgiving.”

  “You can bet on it. You know, I’ve been saving money from all this work I’ve been getting. I thought maybe I could save enough to rent us a real apartment.”

  “Wow!” Joon breathed. “That would be great. Then we’d never have to live outside again. How much money do we need?”

  “Well, let’s see. We need first and last month’s rent and maybe a security deposit. I don’t know. About three thousand dollars?”

  “Three thousand dollars? That’s a lot. How are you going to get all that money?” Joon’s shoulders slumped and she looked at the floor. She felt bad questioning Ragtop, but then, she had another thought. “I know! I can beg more and help us save money,” she said excitedly.

  “Nope,” Ragtop said definitively. “I don’t need ya begging any more than you do right now. You need to stay focused on learning. I already saved eight hundred dollars. I wish I could charge more, but these clients are just downright cheap. Anyway, I figure by the spring, we can leave this motel and find us something better.”

  Joon looked around the room. “I don’t think it’s so bad here. We got lights and heat and a toilet and a shower…”

  Ragtop kissed Joon on the forehead. “That’s what I love about you. I’ve never met anybody so grateful for the small things.”

  Joon shrugged. “I never had any of these things living with Aron, so I think having them now is great.”

  “You hang on to that feeling. If you can, your life will be much happier. Simpler too.”

  After Ragtop left that evening, Joon lay in bed watching the distorted images through the haze of poor TV reception, but her thoughts drifted to how lucky she was that Ragtop had found her.

  When Joon awoke on Thanksgiving morning, Ragtop was lying next to her in the bed, snoring lightly. The child snuggled closer to the woman, who opened her heavy eyelids for a moment.

  “Happy Thanksgiving,” Joon said in a soft voice.

  “Same to you, baby. It was a long night and I need a little more sleep.”

  “Okay. I’m gonna take a walk.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Be careful. Don’t be too long,” Ragtop said, easily falling back to sleep.

  Joon dressed in the bathroom and slipped quietly out of the motel room. Once outside, she walked toward Center City. She only planned to be gone for an hour at most and didn’t want to wander too far from the motel. It was early, but there were already homeless people lined up outside shelters and soup kitchens to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner. Joon said hello to a few homeless people she knew through Ragtop. As she approached the subway, she could hear angry voices coming from below. She hesitated for a moment, then went down to find out what was going on. At the bottom of the steps, a girl was pressed up against the wall, a teenage boy holding her there as he slapped her hard in the face. When Joon gasped, the boy quickly turned and glared at her.

  “What the hell are you looking at?” he growled.

  Joon backed up a step, but then remembered what Ragtop had said about not being afraid. Using it to bolster her confidence, she took a step forward.

  “You better leave her alone,” Joon said, pointing at the girl against the wall.

  The boy let go of the girl’s shoulders and turned toward Joon. “Oh yeah? Who the hell do you think you are, kid? I suggest you take your gangly ass back up those steps before you’re sorry.”

  When Joon didn’t move, he took two steps toward her, and as he did, the girl who he’d been hitting raised her backpack and brought it down on his head. The boy was knocked to the ground, and in a flash, the girl grabbed Joon’s hand and raced up the subway steps with her.

  When they got to street level, the two kept running hand in hand. When they made it to Rittenhouse Square, they flung themselves onto a bench, both girls panting. The teenager pulled her backpack into her lap and turned to face the younger girl.

  “My name is Gia. You got balls the size of this city, kid.”

  Joon smiled. “I’m Joon.” She waited a few more seconds to catch her breath before asking, “Why was he hurting you?”

  “Because he’s an asshole. Sometimes you run into people like that. I met him at a party last night. We hooked up and the jerkoff thought that because we spent a night together, he owned me. When I tried to leave him in the subway, that’s when he started hitting me. Good thing you came along. I was sure as shit that he was gonna beat the hell outta me. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome,” Joon said, looking up into the blue sky. “Do you live around here?”

  “Sure, I live anywhere around here that I can lay my head at night.”

  Joon nodded. “I thought you were homeless. So am I. Well, not right now ’cause I’m living at a motel with my friend for the winter.”

  A trickle of dread crept up Gia’s spine. She’d heard about the sickos that took children and made child porn. She told herself that Joon wouldn’t be free to roam the streets if that were the case, but just in case, she was compelled to ask, “Oh yeah? That friend of yours. Does he have a name?”

  “It’s not a he; it’s a she. Her name is Ragtop. She found me after I ran away from home and she lets me stay with her. When it got too cold to sleep outside, we moved to a motel.”

  “Oh yeah? So how does your friend pay for this motel?”

  Joon lowered her chin, her hair swinging down to cover her face. She was ashamed to tell Gia the truth, scared that the girl wouldn’t like her. “Ragtop sells sex,” she said quietly.

  “Huh. Yeah, I know a lot of girls my age who do that too. Most of them are on drugs and their pimps treat them like they ain’t even human. A couple of them tried to get me to do it too, but if I’m gonna do that, then I’m keeping all the money. So I just stay away from hooking. Ya know?”

  “Do you have people you stay with?” Joon asked.

  “Sorta. I mostly stay with the kids under the bridge near Thirtieth Street Station during nice weather. Then when it gets too cold, we kinda go our separate ways ’cause there ain’t nowhere that we can all stay together. I go to the same abandoned house every winter. There’s a neighborhood not far from here where a lot of the houses are empty. I’m living with two girls from my group.”

  “What’s it like to live there?” Joon was curious how others lived and was always looking for ideas to bring back to Ragtop. In particular, she wanted to find a way for Ragtop to stop selling sex but for them to still be warm enough through the winter.

  “Ha. It’s almost the same as living outside. There ain’t no electricity or water, but at least it saves us from the wind and snow. There are lots of other kids who live there too. The three of us keep to ourselves. Living in those abandoned places ain’t too great. There are lots of drugs and shit. Do you wanna see it?”

  “How far away is it?”

  Gia pointed to the west. “About a mile or two that way. Come on. It won’t take long.”

  Joon considered what she should do. “Okay, but I have to be quick, or Ragtop will get pissed at me.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Joon and Gia walked for almost thirty minutes before they reached the building where Gia was squatting. They carefully
wound their way around to the back of the house and entered through an opening covered by thick, blue plastic. As they stepped into what was once the kitchen, dirt and debris covered the floor. There were no longer cabinets or countertops—they had been stolen long ago—and the only item in the room that let Joon know it had been a kitchen was an old refrigerator with the doors missing, the inside caked in rust and dirt.

  There were homeless people throughout the downstairs, mostly teens who sat in small groups on the floor. They huddled tightly together to keep warm and seemed not to even notice Joon and Gia as they made their way to the wooden staircase. When the girls reached the third floor, Gia led the way to a room that, like the others in the house, was occupied by clusters of teens.

  A grumpy girl named Fipple glared at them. “What’s up, Gia? Why are ya bringing that kid here?”

  Gia grinned, exposing her stained, crooked teeth. “Shut up, Fipple. The kid just saved my ass and she ain’t staying. I just wanted to show her where we live.”

  Fipple got up and walked over to Joon. “Okay, now you saw it. Go home.”

  Joon flinched and took a step back in the direction of the door. “I better go now,” she said.

  Gia put her arm around Joon’s shoulders and looked at Fipple. “Stop being a dick.”

  Fipple put her hands on her chunky hips. “What the hell’s the point of you bringing her here? She sure ain’t homeless. You can smell that she’s clean. You can still smell, can’t ya, Gia?”

  Joon felt bad that Gia was getting in trouble for bringing her, so she piped up. “I lived on the streets before Ragtop rented us a room at the motel. And I did take a bath this morning, but that doesn’t mean I ain’t homeless. If we can’t save enough money to get outta the motel by the spring, we’ll be living on the streets again.”

  Fipple’s top lip curled. “Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. Cry me a fuckin’ river. Poor little brat might be homeless after the cold winter is gone. How old are you?”

  Joon straightened and pushed her chest out. “Twelve. I’ll be thirteen soon.”