by Paige Dearth
Joon nudged Lulu with her shoulder. “Look at me. I’m a mess. A disgusting, dirty slob. My hair is matted, my fingernails are packed with dirt, and my lips are chapped and flaky. This is what people see when they look at me. I’m sitting here in the cold, and yeah, the sun is beating on my face, but it doesn’t even matter. Being homeless sucks. I’m tired of having nowhere to go, nowhere that I belong. We walk around all day just to keep warm. We beg for money or food so we can eat. We clean ourselves in library and subway bathrooms that are as dirty as we are. My life feels dark. Every day is overcast, even when the sun is shining. I’m sixteen and have no way of getting out of this shit.”
Lulu looked at her own hands. There was dirt in the creases of her skin and under her fingernails. Her clothes had stains, and she suddenly recognized that she too was a harrowing sight.
She placed place her food and tea on the bench and leaned her elbows on her knees. “At some point, we all feel the way that you do now. And yeah, we’re dirty and smelly and gross. But I want you to remember that we’re living on the streets because it seemed the best option. And there is something about living on the streets that is unique—we take care of each other. Sure, there are some assholes out here, but there are assholes everywhere. What makes the nice homeless people so special is that we do shit for each and don’t expect anything in return ’cause we already know they ain’t got nothing to give back. Look at you and me—we make each other feel better, and you did all that horrible stuff with those men yesterday so that our group could sleep through the cold nights. That kind of giving you can’t find in a wad of money. That’s the stuff we’re made of, ya know? Living in a home with a shower and clean clothes doesn’t give you love, and it sure as hell doesn’t make you a good person, you know that more than I do. So, look around you and see the beauty that’s right within your reach. And if you want something or you wanna be somebody, then you go for it. I wanna be somebody too. I decided last week I’m gonna go to the library and figure out how to take the GED. After that, I’m gonna go to college, maybe be a nurse or even a doctor. Just because you ain’t got shit now doesn’t mean you won’t have everything you want someday.”
Joon tilted her head and gently rested it on Lulu’s shoulder. “You’re smarter than you look.” Both girls chuckled. “Are you really gonna take the GED?”
“Yep.”
“I would like to do that too. On my first day of kindergarten, my dad told me that someday I was going to be something really special when I grew up. I’ve learned a lot since then…I learned the hate of a woman, abandonment, being forced into sex; I’ve learned hunger, pain, suffering, humiliation, embarrassment. The list goes on and on.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “And I regret that I didn’t learn enough from books and teachers and history. I haven’t been to real school since I was twelve. I read a lot—thank God for the library—but I’m not sure I know how to learn anymore. It’s not easy to see past all the bad things and believe there’s much good out there…and, sometimes I just wanna give up. Just roll into a ball and die. I know I sound like a coward, but really, Lulu, what’s the point if this is all there is?”
“The point is that we deserve better. Nobody is gonna swoop in and give us something for nothing. If we want something, we’re gonna have to go after it. I say we both try to get our GEDs. We can help each other. What do you say?”
“Sure, if you think it’ll make a difference.” Joon put her hand over Lulu’s. “Thank you for being my friend.”
Lulu placed a gentle kiss on Joon’s temple. “There’s nothing to thank me for. You and me…I think we were meant to be sisters.”
The girls sat on the bench for a while. When they weren’t talking, Joon thought about a future that could be filled with happiness and decided to do what was necessary to change her life and become the person her parents would have wanted her to be.
Chapter Sixty-Five
As Christmas approached Joon and Lulu were busy begging on the streets. The holidays were when people were most generous, and homeless teens took to the streets because, after New Year’s, no one wanted to part with their money.
On Christmas Eve, Joon was in good spirits.
“What are you so happy about today?” Lulu asked. “Expecting Santa to bring you a bag of twenties or something?”
Joon laughed. “Yeah, I wish. I don’t think Santa’s coming this year. But you and I are gonna stay inside a warm place tonight. We’ll get food, a place to sleep, and breakfast.”
Lulu slid into her sleeping bag and pulled it tight. Although it was the middle of the afternoon, she hadn’t been able to shake the cold in her bones for three days. “Where are we going?”
Joon winked at her. “I know a place. We might even get to take a real shower. How’s that sound?”
Lulu’s teeth chattered. “Like the best fuckin’ thing I heard in days. Aren’t you cold?”
“Not any more than usual. Maybe you’re getting sick,” Joon said, leaning over and feeling Lulu’s forehead. “Your forehead is warm.”
“Just what I need…to be sick. Do we have any more aspirin?”
Joon opened the small community box that the group of girls left inside the tent. She searched through the contents. “Nope. None in here. I’ll go and buy some. You stay here.”
Joon hated leaving Lulu with none of the other girls there but figured she wouldn’t be long, and having Lulu out in the cold wouldn’t help matters. She picked up her own sleeping bag and laid it over Lulu for extra warmth. “You try to sleep. I’ll go get some aspirin and come right back.”
Upon Joon’s return, she found Lulu sleeping.
“Wake up, girl. I have your aspirin.”
Lulu opened her eyes slowly. “I feel like shit.”
Joon lifted her eyebrows. “You look like shit.”
Lulu closed her eyes again and let out a soft laugh. “You smell like shit.”
Joon brushed Lulu’s long curls away from her face. “Well, I can’t deny that one. We need to get going if we’re gonna make it inside tonight.”
Lulu moaned. She sat up slowly and rubbed her eyes. “My head is pounding.” Her hands clamped over her stomach. “I feel nauseous and everything hurts.”
Joon moved closer. “Maybe you have the flu. You’re over eighteen. Do you wanna go to the emergency room?”
Lulu considered it, but she shook her head. “Nah. I’ll be fine. Let’s get through Christmas. I don’t wanna spend tonight in the emergency room with a bunch of drunks. Help me up and we’ll get going.”
An hour later, Joon and Lulu stood on the steps of Saint Monica Roman Catholic Church.
Lulu had her arm weaved through Joon’s. “How did you hear about this place?”
“I came here years ago. I was alone on Christmas Eve. I couldn’t find Ragtop, so I came here and they were really nice to me.”
The doors to the church opened, and as the homeless teens entered, Joon focused on the altar at the front of the church. She leaned into Lulu. “That’s Father John.”
“How do you know that?”
“I told you, I was here before. Anyway, he’s real nice and likes to help us.”
“Too bad he ain’t around all year. Hell—” Lulu said, covering her mouth and looking up waiting for a lightning bolt to zap her. “I mean, it would be nice if there were more churches where we could go on nights other than Christmas Eve.”
Joon laughed. “Be quiet before you damn both of us to the fiery pits of Hell.”
The homeless group was ushered to the back of the church and into the kitchen, where they ate before mass.
“Father John?” Joon said.
“Yes. Oh wait. You’ve been here before.”
“Yeah, four years ago,” Joon said, fidgeting under his intense gaze. “How did you remember?”
“Your eyes. I remember those angelic eyes. How have you been?”
Joon touched her dirty, matted hair. “Well, I’ve been good. I mean, what do you mean? Like, how
have I been acting?”
Father John smiled. “No, Joon. I mean, how has life been treating you? How are you feeling?”
Joon sighed. She pulled on the bottom of her oversized coat. “Life’s treating me crappy. I mean, I’m okay, but, you know, living on the streets ain’t easy.”
Father John nodded and rested his hand on Joon’s shoulder. “May I say a prayer for you?”
“I guess so.” Joon looked over at Lulu. “Can you say one for my best friend, Lulu too?”
Father John put his other hand on Lulu’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “Dear God, watch over your children Joon and Lulu. Keep them safe. Fill them with the Holy Spirit and guide them to a better life, provide them with love and happiness in all of their days. Amen.” The priest opened his eyes. “Now, you girls go find a seat. Mass is about to begin.”
Once seated in a pew, Joon took hold of Lulu’s hand and asked, “Do you believe in God?”
Lulu’s eyes remained fixed on the cross above the altar. “I don’t know. I mean, when my gram died and I was left all alone, I was confused. Gram believed there was a God and Heaven and all of that stuff. I believed it then because she did. But after she died, I wasn’t so sure. Then, living on the streets and…”
“And what?”
“Nothing.”
“No, tell me. What happened to you?”
“Not now. Mass is gonna start.”
Joon slid her hand gently up and down Lulu’s arm. “You can tell me anything. You stood watch while I blew guys for a tent and sleeping bags,” she whispered.
“Oh my God, Joon. You’re so crude. We’re in church,” she said, laughing.
Joon smiled. “Do you feel better?”
“A little. Being inside and eating helped. You don’t need to worry. It’ll pass.”
Father John started the mass and the girls fell silent. Later, as they lay in the church waiting for sleep to claim them, Joon flung her arm over Lulu’s waist. “We did good coming here tonight, right?”
“Yeah, Joon, we did real good. You’re pretty smart for such a young ’un.”
The two girls snuggled closer and closed their eyes.
“Merry Christmas,” Joon whispered.
“Merry Christmas, my friend.”
Chapter Sixty-Six
Joon and Lulu left the church after mass on Christmas morning. With their bellies full, Joon led them to the homeless shelter where Tony Bruno had taken her.
Joon made her way to the man who’d helped her. “Hey, Joey. I don’t know if you remember me. I’m a friend of Tony…um, well, his friend Salvatore talked to you so I could stay here.”
“Sure,” Joey said, stacking more juice boxes on a table. “I remember you. How’s it going?”
“It’s going all right. I was hoping that maybe you could help us.”
Joey pinched his bottom lip between his thumb and index finger. “Hey, look, I’d love to help you out, but I’m already over capacity. I don’t have any beds left and…”
“No, I’m sorry,” Joon interrupted. “I was hoping you would maybe just let us take a shower. This is my friend Lulu. We stayed at a church last night and they didn’t have showers we could use. It’s just that it’s been a while. Ya know?”
Joey patted Joon on the back. “Yeah, I know. Follow me. I can help you with that. Sorry there isn’t space for you to stay.”
After Joey gave the girls towels, he left them in the shower room. They undressed, laying their clothes on a bench. It took a while before they had stripped off the multiple layers of clothing.
Joon looked at Lulu, in a pair of hipster panties and sports bra, and her eyes were drawn to a huge scar, the shape of a capital L next to her rib cage. “What’s that?” she asked, pointing.
Lulu looked down at herself. “I lost a kidney.”
“What do you mean lost a kidney? Like you misplaced it or like something happened to you when you were a kid?”
“No. Like, someone took it.”
“Wait. What are you saying?”
Lulu let out a loud huff. “I’m saying that last year, I was at a party. You know, a friend of a friend of a friend that had a party in their apartment. So, I went. I was talking to this guy. He was real cute, and he wasn’t homeless, so that was a bonus. Anyway, he went into the kitchen and grabbed me a beer from the keg. The next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed.”
“I’m so confused. I don’t get it.”
“The dude was a fraud. Showed up at the party with a couple of his friends. No one really knew them. He must’ve put something in my drink. Apparently, I left with him and his buddies. The rest is just pieced together. They must’ve taken me somewhere and stolen one of my kidneys and left me on a bench in Rittenhouse Square. A guy walking through the park with his wife noticed I was naked from the waist down, and they saw blood as they got closer to me. Then they saw the staples—bastards used a staple gun on me, but hey, it probably saved my life. Anyway, things were bad for several months. I stayed in the hospital for a while. I was lucky that couple walked by when they did. The kidney doctor, Dr. Becker, rushed me into surgery once I got to the hospital. He fixed me up as best he could.”
Joon sat on the bench with her mouth agape. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Just something I keep quiet about. You know as well as I do you don’t let other people know your weaknesses. I figured if Fipple found out, she definitely wouldn’t want me to stay with the group. She would see me as broken, a ‘liability’ as she puts it.”
Joon was shocked—and worried. Her new friend was dealing with missing an organ. “Well, are you okay now? I mean, do you have to do anything?”
Lulu grabbed her towel. “Yeah. I go see Dr. Becker every three months. So far, I’ve been doing fine with one kidney. The assholes that took my other one hacked into my body. I got an infection…a really bad one. I was sick for a long time. Fuckers almost killed me. I know this would freak the other girls out—Fipple would make sure of it. I hope you won’t tell them and that you’re not scared to be around me now that you know.”
Joon took her bra and panties off slowly and deliberately, held her arms away from her body, and slowly turned in a full circle. “The scars on my back and legs are from where Aron whipped me. She would whip me with a belt until I bled and then she would whip the bleeding welts. She used to tell me I needed to really feel the pain because that’s what punishments are all about. The pinky toe missing on my left foot?” she continued, pointing to it. “That’s where Aron cut my toe off because I collapsed when I couldn’t stay in my squat position for one more minute. She hacked it right off in her kitchen, then took a lighter and burned the skin together. The bite marks on my boobs are from Pug letting men ‘sample’ me. In the beginning, when I was first taken to Kensington by my so-called boyfriend, I was fairly innocent. I fought against those bastards as hard as I could—so hard that after the first night, Pug or one of his goons would tie me to the bed. The marks around my wrists and ankles are where the ropes held me to the bed. Those marks from one shoulder blade to the other are from cigarettes and cigars that Pug let the johns torture me with…helped them get their rocks off.” She took a deep breath as she looked down at her own ruined body. “These are the scars you can see. I have many more, but they’re hidden. I look great on the outside compared to the damage on the inside.”
She stopped talking, lifted her head, and stared steadily into Lulu eyes. “Do you still worry I’m scared to be around you?”
Tears slid down Lulu’s face. She walked over to Joon and took her hand. Together, each of them, perfectly flawed humans, walked into the shower and let the hot water wash over them. As the dirt fell away and the weight of their secrets lifted, they both felt a literal and figurative lightness.
“I’ve never told anyone all of that before,” Joon said, breaking the silence. “I guess when I was with Ragtop I was too young. Then, I never wanted any of the other hookers to know ’cause that would have made me seem w
eaker, and eventually, they’d have used it against me.”
“Yeah, I had a kidney stolen and you had your innocence and a toe stolen.” Both girls cracked a smile at the toe comment. “We make a good team. I bet if we stick together, we’ll get off the streets and live a half-decent life. We may be missing big parts of ourselves, but we have so much heart between the two of us we’re unstoppable.”
When the girls returned to the bench where they’d left their clothing, each found new panties and socks.
“Joey must’ve left these for us,” Joon said, lifting them in one hand and holding the soft cotton close to her bare chest. “Lulu, do you really think that we can get off the streets?”
“Sure. Why not? We’ve survived some really horrible shit. We must have some luck, right?”
Joon would have never considered herself lucky, but Lulu was right. They both could’ve been dead. Her thoughts roamed to Tori. It’d been several months since she thought about her old friend, and her belly churned with guilt. She hoped that Tori had also been lucky.
Chapter Sixty-Seven
A few weeks later, close to ten at night, Joon and Lulu were just over a mile from their abandoned house when they noticed a tall boy with long hair fiddling with the lock on a parked car. As they drew closer, the boy eyed them.
“You guys looking for a place to sleep?” he asked.
“Who wants to know?” Joon replied, slowing her pace.
The boy chuckled. “I wanna know. Hell, girl, I’m trying to be nice is all,” he said, putting his hand to his heart.
“Hm. Why? What are you looking for? We don’t have any money,” Joon said, taking a small step backward.
“Come on, Joon. Let’s just go,” Lulu said, tugging on her friend’s jacket.
“Hang on,” the boy began. “Look, I just wanted to know if you needed a warm place to sleep. That’s all.” He looked at the pavement and shook his head slowly.
Joon frowned. “Whose car is it? I know it ain’t yours,” she said, looking him up and down.
