The Substitute Wife

by Faulkner, Carolyn

  Andi shook her head. "It's too embarrassing. Too cliché for words."

  Her heart and her aching, pulsating body overruled her mind for just a moment, and she whispered, half hoping he wouldn't hear it, "And you know it already if you just think about it. The clues are all there."

  "Embarrassing? A cliché? What—"

  She went out of her way to avoid him, to keep him from touching her in any way in particular. Yet she kept her word to Liz and became his lifeline.

  She was even here, alone with him, having risked her life to get to him just to make sure that he was okay. And what was even more startling, now that he thought about it, was her absence of anger at him for taking her as he had, as a substitute for Liz.

  He would have sat bolt upright with the thought that struck him then, but he didn't want to leave her bereft of his warmth. His mind was certainly fuzzy at that time, and there was a lot of it that he didn't remember, but he did remember every excruciatingly amazing second of being inside her because that was when he had come to his senses, all at once, when he'd thrust himself into her.

  All modesty aside, he wasn't a small man by any means or in any way, and yet he had slid right into her glove and her warm wetness had closed around him so tightly that he had immediately lost his battle with his

  body.

  She was wet.

  Dripping wet when he took her.

  "You've wanted me all this time?" he rasped in disbelief.

  Although she knew she had led him to that painful truth herself, now that she heard him say it, heard the surprise in his tone, all she wanted was to get away from him, and she threw herself against his arms trying to escape to the other side of the bed, no matter how cold it was over there.

  If she could just escape, she'd gladly spring to the other side of the cabin, if necessary, although she'd probably freeze to death before she got there.

  But Rory wasn't about to let her go. He didn't hurt her, in fact he was very careful not to, trying to keep himself away from her injured ankle and keep her there with him at the same time.

  "Ow, dammit, let me go!" she hissed, struggling against his hold.

  "Stop moving, Andi, and you'll stop hurting yourself." She was trying to kick back with both legs, yelping and regretting her impulse each time.

  Finally, he laced his legs into hers, avoiding putting any of his weight on her injury, and effectively immobilizing her.

  "Andi, I—"

  "Let me go!" she shrieked.

  "No. Calm down—"

  "I can't calm down," she wailed, and that was when he realized that she was crying. "I'm such an awful person!" It all came spilling out. She couldn't seem to keep it inside any longer. "I've wanted you ever since she introduced me to you. I've kept my distance because I'm attracted to you, and I didn't want that to get in the way of your marriage. I couldn't let either of you suspect, so I let you go on thinking… I never corrected her or you. I knew what you thought. I figured that was the price I had to pay for coveting my best friend's husband. I loved her like a sister, and I would never do anything that would hurt her. But being around you…" the words slowed finally. "I just couldn't do much of it, or I was afraid I'd let something slip."

  "But I thought you dated around a lot—"

  "Beards, all of them, which is why they never went anywhere, why I was never serious about any of them. I may have dated a reasonable number of guys, but none of them long enough to really get serious. I couldn't do that to them or me." Andi snuffed loudly, and he produced a Kleenex for her.

  After blowing her nose, she continued, "I don't think she suspected at all—"

  "No, neither of us did."

  "And I want to make it clear that I'm not telling you this because I expect anything to come from it. You asked, and you wouldn't take no for an answer, and since Liz can't be hurt by it any more, I got it off my chest, but that's it. When we're finally out of here, we can go our separate ways. I won't bug you any more. I was very concerned that you might do something stupid this evening, because it's the anniversary, but I can see that you were just going to get ripped and cry yourself to sleep. Which was kind of what I was going to do, too."

  Rory was flummoxed. He couldn't believe what he'd learned about her tonight. He couldn't believe how obtuse both he and Liz had been about Andi.

  Or, as he mulled it over, perhaps it was just him.

  When they'd been told that there were weeks left, Liz had gotten all organized and made what arrangements and end of life decisions she could, and every once in a while, she'd dropped in a tidbit about him continuing to watch out for Andi—more so than any of her myriad other friends—after she was gone. He hadn't ended up having to do that because she was so proactive about doing it for him instead, but, especially towards the end, Liz had been quite fervent about it, and he had had to promise her multiple times that he wouldn't just disappear from her best friend's life once she was gone.

  In fact, one of the last things she'd said to him that he'd forgotten about it until now, having dismissed it because of how much pain she was in

  —was that she wanted him to get to know Andi better.

  Had Liz known how Andi felt about him, he wondered. Possibly.

  But it was interesting to know that she had essentially given him her blessing.

  Liz was always foremost in his thoughts; she had been since the day he'd met her. He'd recognized her as his soul mate immediately, and she had felt the same way. They had had a magical marriage and he treasured every single second he had had with her.

  He'd always been attracted to Andi, but if his own moral fiber wasn't enough, his feelings for Liz were more than enough so that even if he'd realized her true feelings while she was around, he would never have acted upon them.

  But right now there was another woman in his arms, one who was sobbing as if someone had reached in and pulled out her heart, and it killed

  him to see her like this.

  As he turned Andi within the strong, warm circle of his arms, a thought struck him.

  He didn't think he'd ever seen her cry for Liz.

  She'd been busy making sure that everything went as easily for him as possible and comforting everyone else around her—her family and other friends, but mostly him. He'd been in such a daze that he'd let her, not really even considering how she might have felt until this moment, too buried in his own grief to see anyone else's.

  He couldn't remember a time when she had ever turned to him for solace, but then, knowing what he did about her now, she wouldn't have felt right about doing that anyway.

  So, as much as his body ached for her, and the mixed feelings he had about that in and of itself, he clutched her to him, daring to really touch her for the first time. Laying her head on his shoulder and cupping the back of it in his broad palm, he rubbed his other hand up and down her back, doing his level best not to notice just how soft her skin was.

  "Let it out, Andi. Let it all out. Cry for her. Cry for yourself. She loved you like a sister, and it must've been horrible for you to lose her."

  In the face of his kindness, she had no strength at all to keep those feelings at bay, and so she did, and he held her throughout it. The house was getting colder, and the storm whirled around them, but beneath those covers, there was nothing for either of them but the giving and receiving of solace on the most basic level possible. Rory held her and rocked her and handed her the occasional Kleenex, murmuring comforting nothings into her hair but doing nothing to stem the tide of her tears. He knew from his own experience that it was best for her to get as much of it out as possible.

  He couldn't believe just how blind he had been towards her. He had gone through losing Liz as her husband, with friends and family surrounding him—not the least of which was the ever present Andi.

  She had done it pretty much alone.

  Rory held her tightly to him, trying to be as supportive as Liz had helped him learn to be. At the same time, he was just a man, and if he was honest wi
th himself, thoroughly enjoying the feel of her in his arms, the way she was clinging to him. If only the circumstances had been different.

  When she finally moved to pull a bit away from him, not that he allowed her to go very far, he whispered tenderly, "I'm so sorry that I was so

  self-centered that I really didn't see to you at all during all of this."

  Andi gave him a watery smile. "I understand. She was your wife. I'm just the friend."

  He squeezed her terribly hard, until she squeaked, at that. "No, I don't ever want you to think of yourself like that. You were her sister from another mister, and don't you forget it. I know I never will."

  At that moment, the lamps he had left on ran out of oil, and they were again plunged into total darkness.

  Rory had thought that she had been clinging to him before but that was nothing compared to now. He could hear that mournful keening sound beginning to rise in her throat, so he began to talk to her. "I'm right here, Andi, I won't leave you," he said when she clutched at him as he moved. "I'm just going to reach over here a bit to get you a flashlight. Do you know where the one I gave you went?"

  He could feel her shaking her head against him.

  "Well, no worries. I have one on my nightstand here."

  He located it as quickly as he could and turned it on, pressing it into her hand. "Why don't you use this to find the one I gave you, and I'll fill the lamps up?" As he did as he said he was going to, she sat there shaking, looking positively catatonic with fear. "Andrea," he said firmly, "look at me.

  What did I ask you do to?"

  When Liz got frightened, which wasn't very often, sometimes taking a bit of a dominant tone with her helped her to focus on something other than her fear. He hoped that that technique might work on Andi, and it did. Her head swung slowly so that her eyes met his. "F-find the fl-flashlight you g-gave me."

  "That's it. I expect you to do that while I'm filling the lamps." He continued to talk to her the entire time he was up wandering about naked, apologizing for not making sure there was more oil in them in the first place, but then he'd been too concerned with just getting her some light.

  When he returned to the bed, he caught her staring at him, having forgotten that he was nude, since that kind of thing, in regards to himself, didn't much register with him in the least.

  But the way she colored prettily in the lamp light certainly did, and his body still displayed his unflagging interest.

  "Did you find it?" he asked as he tugged her back into his arms, her back to his front since she was looking cold again from the absence of his

  heat next to her.

  "Yes."

  "Well, that one has a wrist leash on it. Why don't we put it over the bedpost that's nearest you, so you'll always know where it is in case this happens again, and I'll take the one I just gave you back so I have one on my side as well."

  She seemed to be okay with that, and settled back into his arms with little fuss.

  He again felt it necessary to apologize for the way he was rudely poking up between them.

  "I think I'd be totally insulted if you weren't so obviously interested."

  Surprised, Rory wasn't at all sure how to take that, so he didn't say anything.

  Chapter VI

  There was one more important thing that remained on his mind, and it took him a few minutes to work up the guts to say it. When he did, finally, it kind of spilled out of him all at once, quickly, like ripping off a band aid. "I just want to say, one more time, that I'm terribly sorry for-for what I did to you on the couch. It was unforgiveable. Drunk or not, I should have had better control over myself."

  Andi sighed. "Stop, stop, stop. Stop beating yourself up already. I'm not angry. I certainly wish that it hadn't happened like that between us, because it's got you all freaked out. But please know that I don't hold anything against you because of it. I understand the situation. You were drunk out of your mind and you thought I was Liz. You didn't hurt me—"

  "Yes, but I violated you. I took you without your consent—"

  "Do you hear me crying rape, which, believe me, I wouldn't hesitate to do if I felt that that was your intention? Am I cowering in a corner, holding a knife in front of me to keep you away from me?"

  He shook his head.

  "No, I'm not. And earlier, even before that happened, I let you put me over your lap and spank me. In fact, at this very moment, despite all of that, I'm in an extremely vulnerable position with you. I’m injured, naked, and you're essentially holding me captive although all you're really trying to do is keep me warm. Do I seem afraid of anything but the dark?"

  "No."

  "Good. Because I'm not. I only ever saw you treating Liz as if she was the most precious thing in your life, and you managed to make me feel very cared for, too, as much as I'd let you. I can't think that you'd turn around and treat any other woman badly. That's just not you."

  "Well," he responded gravely, "thank you for that very complimentary character reading."

  "You're welcome."

  "We should probably try to get some sleep, don't you think?" she suggested, trying to be practical.

  "Are you warm enough?"

  "I'll live."

  He immediately pulled some of the covers up and over their heads, to

  trap their body heat in with them, then began to rub her arms up and down.

  "Stop."

  "But you're still cold—"

  "Stop rubbing there, anyway."

  "Why?" he asked, completely oblivious.

  "Because your fingers are rubbing over my nipples at the same time and it's highly distracting."

  "Oh. Sorry." He had never been so constantly embarrassed around a woman in his life, and it was a million times worse now that he knew how she felt about him.

  Andi sighed heavily. She had never wished so hard that she was the kind of woman who would have done what she wished she thought she could get away with—to turn herself around in his arms, press herself against him and kiss him with everything she had, but she would never have the confidence to do that. He knew her feelings now, and yet he hadn't made a move towards her.

  Either he wasn't interested in her at all, or he was still so hung up on Liz that he couldn't be interested in any woman. Her money was on a combination of the both.

  Well, at least she'd have a helluva lot more fodder for her fantasies after they got out of here. With a heavy heart, she realized that what she'd said to him about them going their separate ways was probably going to be the best thing for her to do. He was depressed, understandably, but he wasn't suicidal. There was no reason for her to continue to watch over him, especially not as obsessively as she had.

  And, considering this weekend's events, she could only think that she was going to make him feel just that this was much more excruciating for the both of them to bear.

  So they lay there, wide awake and trying not to be, trying to remain desperately still, each hoping to fool the other one into thinking that they were asleep.

  Finally, Andi had to move. Her ankle was beginning to hurt and her muscles were getting sore from being held in the same position. She did so as carefully as she could, even though she knew he was awake.

  "Would you mind terribly if I faced you?" she asked, knowing what she was asking was an imposition, but just reaching her hand out to the other unoccupied side of the bed revealed how cold it was out there without his

  heat.

  His 'no' was decidedly strangled, and she wasn't sure what she should do in that case, so she stayed put.

  After a few minutes, he began to turn her himself.

  "No, I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position."

  Rory chuckled. "Is there such a thing as a comfortable one, considering what's happened between us? I mean, this is just absurd. I want to take care of you in the best way possible. I'm a grown man. I can control myself."

  "You don't have to if you don't want to," she whispered under her breath, not really knowin
g whether or not she wanted him to have heard her.

  "What did you say?" he jumped on it immediately, though, and she began to regret it.

  "Nothing," Andi lied, wrapping her arms around him and putting her cheek on his shoulder as he insinuated his legs between hers, still careful of her injury, but taking quite a firm hold of her.

  "Andi."

  There it was again, only this time, when her entire body contracted at his tone, she was very sure that he could feel it, considering how close they were, and the fact that his thick thigh had found its way between her legs.

  And then, his big hands found her bottom, squeezing a little less than gently. "Tell me what you said or I'll finish that spanking I started earlier, right here, right now."

  Her throaty gasp was more than he could have asked for and more than he had dared to hope for in response from her. It nearly had him losing all semblance of the control he'd just bragged he had.

  "I-I just said," she whispered softly, "that you don't have to if you don't want to. Control yourself, that is. You know that I want you. I know that you need… release." Her hand wandered down between them to wrap itself boldly around him. Andi could barely believe what she was doing, but it felt too good to stop. "I don't mind being a substitute for Liz—"

  "Stop that right there." He emphasized his point with a sharp swat to her behind that had her arching into him. "You are not a substitute for anyone, Andrea. I'm not drunk and I'm not asleep right now. I know who I have in my arms. I know whose bottom I just smacked."

  She wiggled against him, unable to stop herself upon hearing words like that spoken by him, to her. It was too good to be true, and if he did much

  more than that, she was going to go off like a rocket without him ever having really touched her.

  Rory took a chance and said what was on his mind. "You like to be spanked. That's why you weren't upset that I was spanking Liz."

  His fingers had come around front to do for her what she was doing for him, stroking intimately, knowledgeably, listening for sounds of pleasure from her partner. But she didn't answer him until he smacked her again and continued to do so.