All That Matters

by Sadie Rose

  I've been up all night I couldn't sleep for shit. but I can't stop thinking about Ava. That's when I get the idea. Is it a good idea? No, probably not. The more I try to talk myself out of it the better it seems until I really can't find any flaw in my plan. Ok, plan may be a little bit of a stretch it’s not really a well thought out plan. It's more like an idea, probably a bad idea with a few details added. I’m going to sneak into Ava's room. I'm going to find out for myself how she is and what's going on up there. The trouble is I don't know if she's alone or if someone is sitting with her. It was pretty clear Dad and Kate didn't know what to do about the motorcycle ride. I didn't get grounded or even a real lecture. They seemed mostly; I don't know confused maybe? Weirdly scared and hopeful at the same time? I don't fucking know. Which kinda blows up my idea that there is something sinister going on. I'm past being logical, I'm past the point of reason.

  I only need a few minutes, just long enough to get into her room and make sure she's ok. Make sure she’s not like tied to the bed begging to be released or some shit. I look at the clock by my bed it's three in the morning. Maybe I could go up there now? Slip in and out while everyone is asleep? I've never been in that wing of the house let alone in her room. I don't even fucking know where it is. I know that Anson's room is up there too. What if I open his door by mistake? What if he's with her? This plan has so many holes in it I'm pretty sure it's doomed from the start. I need help if I'm gonna pull it off. I’m pretty sure, Anson isn't going to help me. That fucker wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. But maybe Erica will help? I play with the thought a while longer and it seems like my chance of success is slightly better with Erica than my chances without her. Fuck it at this point I need every advantage I can get. Not one to procrastinate once I make my mind up about something I get up and dress in black jeans, long sleeve black shirt and black socks I leave my shoes off for the sake of stealth. As I'm dressing, I think of all the times I've been lectured about my lack of impulse control and I gotta admit that Ok people may have a valid point. I shrug as I quietly open my door and walk out into the dark hallway.

  Chapter 19

  Mason

  I walk across the hall and to Erica's room, I don't bother being quiet. There's no reason to. I turn on her light as I walk into her room. She sits up and blinks at me all dazed and confused.

  "What the fuck Mason? Why are you in here? What's going on?" she asks sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

  "I have a plan and I need your help," I say. She groans and rolls her eyes.

  "Seriously? Go back to bed. It's the middle of the damn night!" Erica flops back down and throws a pillow over her face. I pull it off.

  "Come on Erica I'm not fucking around get up I need your help" She groans. "Oh my God! What Mason? What do you need at three in the morning?"

  "So, you been in Ava's room, right?" I ask. I think I remember hearing the twins saying something like that awhile back.

  "Yaaaaaa," Erica says slowly. "I need to check on Ava, I gotta make sure she's ok," I say. "No way Mason! I'm not helping you go into her room. I mean it!" Erica whisper hisses at me.

  "Dammit! I'm worried about her Erica!"

  "You're gonna make it worse Mason! Listen to me It's a really bad idea!" Erica seems so sure it's a bad idea that I start to kinda doubt my plan. Maybe she sees my doubt because she goes on.

  "Look Mason talk to Dad or Kate. Tell then you are worried. Just ask how she's doing" I yank my hand through my hair frustrated as hell.

  "Do you really think I haven't asked? I have! Over and over! Hell, I even asked Anson! All they say is she's sleeping!" I start pacing back and forth in front of her. "Aren't you worried about her Erica? I thought we were all friends. We gotta find out what’s going on. We gotta make sure she's ok. What if she needs our help?" Erica is quiet and chewing on her lip. She looks scared and like she's gonna cry. I feel like an asshole for pressuring her so much but I've gotta see Ava. "Could you just show me which room is hers? That's it? Just point to her room and you can come right back down here? Please, Erica?" I gave her my saddest most desperate look.

  "Dammit! Fine Mason!" I wait in the other room while Erica gets dressed. She comes out all dressed in black too. It occurs to me that we may watch too much TV.

  I open her bedroom door and she follow me out into the dark hallway. This place is creepy as fuck at night. Everything is dark except dim lighting here and there. There isn't enough light to really show the way just enough to cast long shadows against the walls. I'm surprised how empty the place feels. My heart is pounding, and I can hear Erica breathing behind me. We reach the end of the hallway and turn a corner. I feel Erica's hand slip into mine and I glance back at her. Her eyes are huge and scared looking. I think she's even holding her breath. I squeeze her hand reassuringly. It's several twist and turns before we reach the west wing.

  Erica takes over the lead here and we go down a hallway I've never been in before. We are tiptoeing, walking as quiet as we can. there is a long hallway in front of us with doors all down either side. Honestly it looks like the hallways on our side of the house. Erica points to the door all the way at the end. Then she points to the door right across from it and mouths Anson. Great. I knew he would be close, but I hadn't counted on him being right across the fucking hall.

  "I'm too scared to go back alone." She whispers looking at me with teary eyes.

  "Just wait here I won't be long" I start to walk towards the door, but she holds my hand tighter, shaking her head. If we were in a horror movie right now this is where the audience would start shouting to turn back. But I've come too far now not to see this through. I take a few steps when a door in front of me opens. My heart stops and I hear Erica make a strangled noise behind me. Oh, fuck! There's nowhere to hide, nothing to do. We are fucking caught! I'm panicking, about to shit my pants. I think at least it's not Anson!

  "It took you longer than I expected," a voice says quietly. I peer into the darkness; I fucking swear it's a ghost standing there in a long white robe. I think I recognize the voice; I can't really place it, but it sounds familiar. I have the sudden irrational thought that it's Ava's voice and for some reason, the idea that it could be Ava doesn't make me happy but fills me with inexplicable terror. Erica is crying, I can feel her quietly shaking behind me. Then May steps quietly into the hallway. Holy fucking hell! I'm so relieved I swear I almost piss myself. Erica lets out the huge breath I hadn't realized she was holding.

  "Come on let's go down to the kitchen I'll make you two some hot tea or cocoa" May says.

  "Let me see Ava? Please May, just for a minute?" I whisper.

  "You know I can't do that Hun." May answers. "What I can do is give you some answers" It's not what I was hoping for, but I'll take it.

  Chapter 20

  Ava

  I'm at the park with Isabella and her nanny. Her nanny isn’t paying attention to us. She's playing on her phone. Isabella wants to play hide and seek. We laugh and run hiding behind the slides and in the tunnels. She's too good though she always finds me immediately. It always takes mommy and daddy a long time to find me. I look around, determined to find a place Isabella can’t find me. The trees edging the park! She won't ever look there! I'll win for sure. I hesitate. May always says I'm not allowed in the trees. But May isn't here today. I peek over at Isabella's nanny. She's still looking at her phone. I hear Isabella counting 80,81,82...... I giggle and run across the park ducking behind a fat tree. Isabella looks and looks for me. She looks in all the tunnels, she looks behind the slides. She looks in the wooden playhouse. I knew I would win with this hiding place! I'm waiting for Isabella to say she gives up before I come out. I like Isabella but she cheats sometimes and if i come out before she gives up, she will say I didn't really win. Suddenly I feel hands grab me! A big smelly hand covers my mouth and nose! I can't breathe! I kick and cry but he's holding me too tight. I'm being carried away, deeper into the woods.

  I'm trapped in nightmares, nightmares filled with blood and hung
er, pain and humiliation. I try to fight my way to the surface but I'm drowning in them. I drift in and out of sleep.

  Chapter 21

  Mason

  We follow May downstairs and into the kitchen. She turns on the light and asks if we want tea or hot chocolate. I swear she acts like we are still 8 years old or something. Right now, I don't give a fuck I'll drink whatever she wants me to if it will give me the answers I want. Erica suggests coffee and May tssks like she’s disappointed with our choice of drink. No one speaks until the three of us are sitting at the little breakfast table tucked into the corner of the kitchen. May spends a long time blowing on her coffee and I get the feeling she's gathering her thoughts. Finally, she says

  "I'm not sure how little or how much you know or how much to tell you. But I've never agreed with the secrecy that Katie insists on surrounding the whole thing. You need to understand what this was like for her though. I've taken care of Katie since her momma brought her home from the hospital. I've been through ever pain and heartbreak in her life since the day she was placed in my arms and nothing broke that girl like losing her baby did. When Ava went missing Katie cried like no woman should ever have to cry over their child. She didn't eat, she didn't sleep, and she never gave up hope that Ava would be found. I'm telling you this first because I want you to try to understand why she doesn't want to talk about that time in her life, so maybe you can understand. Ava had gone to the park with one of her little friends, usually, I would go too but it was my day off. I was with Katie when she got the call from the child's nanny saying she couldn't find Ava. No one panicked at first. We were sure we would find the child hiding somewhere, Ava loved to play hide and seek. It was her favorite game and we were all just sure she was at the park hiding somewhere. I remember Katie saying maybe she had crawled into a hiding spot and fallen asleep. It wouldn't be the first time that had happened. Katie, Anson and I drove to the park and that's when we began to realize the situation was more serious than we thought. We pulled up to several cop cars already there, the nanny was standing there crying. Katie jumped out and ran over to them yelling over her shoulder for me to call John, Ava's Daddy." May paused to take a sip of coffee, Erica and I stared at her wide-eyed, waiting for her to continue.

  "Ava had already been missing several hours before the nanny even called the cops. The silly girl was hysterical, crying that she thought she could find her on her own. So much valuable time was lost though. Hundreds of volunteers combed the area searching for Ava. We searched the woods; we searched the neighborhoods around the park. For days the search went on. We hoped to maybe get a ransom call or note but nothing. It was like the child just vanished in thin air. Days turned into weeks with no leads whatsoever. John offered a huge reward for any information leading to Ava, he hired a private investigator, then another, and another but no one ever found so much as a single clue as to what happened to her. People began to give up hope that Ava would be found alive. As the months went by John even gave up hope that his little girl would come home. He became different than the laughing happy man he was before. This house used to be filled with so much love and laughter but now it was silent and miserable the only sounds were those of crying and mourning. Poor Little Anson, he was only a child himself, not even 12 years old yet. He lashed out to everyone and everything in fits of anger. He used to be the sweetest most loving little boy, but he became filled with rage. John began drinking all the time. He spent every day and night in his office drinking, calling his different investigators and demanding results. He wasn't looking for Ava anymore. He just wanted a body he could bury. He was convinced the child was dead. Katie tried, she tried to pull her family through, to pull John out of his depression, and Anson out of his anger. She told me once 'I can't let this destroy my family' Katie tried to be strong for them, but I could see the strain she was under. She never gave up hope that Ava would be found. She went on to talk shows, radios, to the newspapers, offering rewards, begging for any information that would lead to Ava. Nothing ever came of it though. When Ava had been gone nearly a year John killed himself" Erica and I both let out a shocked gasp. I never knew where John was, I didn't even know he was dead. I thought they had maybe gotten a divorce or something to learn that he had committed suicide I couldn't even get my mind around it.

  "Oh my God May! How awful! That's fucked up!" I say because what the fuck else could I say? It WAS fucked up! She nods her head.

  "It was a week before Ava’s 9th birthday, he left a note saying he couldn't face it. He couldn't stand to have that day come with Ava still gone. I loved John but he was a weak man. He always was. He was a good man, but he never had to face a real challenge in his life. Anson found him in his study." Fucking hell. This fucking gets worse and worse. I almost don't want to hear anymore.

  "Losing Ava and John it just was too much for Anson and for Katie too. Katie blamed herself thinking if maybe she had been home more, she could have saved John. She kept hoping and believing Ava would be found but she quit going on the talk shows, she stayed home terrified to let Anson out of her sight. Terrified of losing him too. Ava's 9th birthday came and went, her 10th birthday came and went. I think even Katie began to lose hope the child would be found alive. Though she would never admit it. Then one day about two months after her 10th birthday almost two years since she had gone missing Katie got a call saying they thought they had found Ava. Katie tried so hard not to get her hopes up but she told me on the plane that she really felt like it was her this time. I went with Katie to the hospital where they said Ava was. We didn't even tell Anson about the call. There had been so many false alarms over the years, a child found that was the same age and description as Ava. Sometimes it was to identify a dead body, other times a child found alive, but they were never Ava. The hospital was in Kansas. What we found there was a little girl so thin and half-dead looking. But it was Ava! We knew the minute we walked into that hospital room it was Ava." Tears ran down Mays's face. She broke down and sobbed for several minutes. Erica grabbed her hand crying too.

  "Katie and I, God we just cried! We ran to the bed and we couldn't stop touching her, her face, her hair! We almost just couldn’t believe our eyes! I can never describe the feeling that day, we were just so amazed and thankful. She was different though, very different! She was nothing but skin and bones. The detectives explained that they had been searching for another little girl an Anna Karrinton, and they had found Ava, Anna and another girl in the basement of a farmhouse in Kansas. The other girl was a little girl they identified at Sharissa Cooper that had been missing for 3 months. They didn't find her in time to save her. She had starved to death in that basement. Ava and Anna were barely alive. We didn't know much then, but we learned more and more as time went on. My god how Ava survived all that time down there I'll never know, it was God. God looking out for my little baby. We were so happy to have her back that we didn't even realize that she wasn't back completely. She was in critical condition. Her organs had been deprived of food and water for so long that they were shutting down. She spent weeks in the hospital then months in another facility before the doctors finally released her to come home.

  We brought Ava back here, back to her room and her home. But day after day she just stared blankly ahead. Nothing snapped her out of it. Katie devoted all her time to taking care of her singing to her, talking to her, brushing her hair and reading her stories. Anson, too he wouldn't hardly leave her side. He spent hours with her to the point that I felt it was unhealthy. I tried to get Katie to make him go see his friends, but she wouldn't listen. Every day after school Anson raced home to sit in that room with Ava. Something worked though eventually over time Ava began to come back to us. The blank look faded and we began to see glimpses of the old Ava. At first, those glimpses were so few and so brief, we thought maybe we just imagined them or it was just hopeful thinking. but they were there, and they gave us hope. The girl you both met isn't the same girl she was even a year ago. She has made so much progress in the past year
, after years and years of almost no progress. Or the tiniest little baby steps all of a sudden, we were seeing huge breakthroughs, major changes. And we don't know why? What suddenly changed? What brought her from an almost catatonic state to laughing, playing, even reading and cooking? Since we don't know what happened to make whatever click into place, we are all terrified that something will happen and click it back out of place. Does that make sense? Can you understand what I mean? We are all just walking on eggshells terrified one day we will open Ava's door and instead of seeing her acting and looking so very much like the child she was before we lost her, we will be faced with the dead blank look we got so used to seeing. That whatever brought her back to us will take her away again." May looks at Me and Erica her eyes were still wet with tears. "Maybe it helps for you to know now or maybe it doesn't but hopefully you can at least understand why we are so protective of her, why we act the way we do."

  Chapter 22

  Ava

  This isn't me. I'm not this girl anymore. I don't have to be her. I miss my mom; I miss my brother. I miss May and Genny and even Erica. And I miss Mason. I really miss Mason. It's hard fighting off the nightmares they seem to pull at me with long black fingers trying to drown me pulling me deeper and deeper down. I try to open my eyes, but they feel like they are glued shut. I try to focus on the voices calling to me and block out the ones saying to sleep, to dream, to be numb. I hear talking in my ear whispering quietly but I can't make out the words or who the voice belongs to. I think it's Anson. Anson is talking to me. His voice is clearer now, but his words don't make sense. I can't understand what he is saying. I try to focus on them to push out the sleep and only focus on Anson's words.

  "Wake up Ava. Wake up and I'll tell you a story" I try, I try to open my eyes to tell him I'm awake! “Wake up Ava. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about the fight" I'm not sure what Anson is talking about, but he sounds sad. His voice sounds choked. I don't want him sad. Anson is always happy. He's my best friend. I don't want him to be sad. "Ava wake up, your kitty misses you. We all miss you. Don't you wanna play? Let's play, wake up so we can play Ava" His voice pleads with me.