All That Matters

by Sadie Rose

  "Remember when you woke up you thought you had been sick? But you hadn't. Something triggered that episode and caused you to sleep. I think by talking to your doctors and your mom about it you could get better, so you don't have them anymore." I think for a few minutes. I start to feel like I'm going to cry.

  But I don't like my doctors. I don't want to talk to them. And it's scary that I don't remember any of that.

  I try not to cry but a few tears escape. "Hey, hey come here Ava." Mason pulls me to him and hugs me. He pulls me into his lap and tilts my face up to his. "Remember we don't have to talk about this if it's too hard Ok?" He hugs me tight. "Don't cry. If this is scary, we can stop."

  I'm ok. I don't mind talking about things so much with you. But I don't want to with my doctors.

  He reads my words over my shoulder. "Can you help me understand why?"

  The doctors want to talk about what happened when I was away. I don't want to talk about that. It’s too scary. I don't want to think about it.

  "Do you remember what happened while you were away?"

  Yes, I remember some but not everything. And some I only remember parts. I don't want to talk about it.

  "Well can't you just say that to the doctor if they start talking about it? Just say I don't want to talk about that." He asks. I think for a while.

  What if they make me?

  "Can they make you? They haven't been able to make you so far?"

  What if just talking to them about other things makes me remember stuff I've forgotten? And what if the stuff I've forgotten is even worse than the stuff I remember?

  Mason sighs. "I don't know Ava, honestly. I don't and maybe it's not worth the risk. But talking to me hasn't made bad memories come back right? Maybe even if you still refuse to talk to the doctors you could start talking to your mom and Anson? Do you think you could do that?" I think about it. I would like to talk to my mom and Anson. I hadn't ever really thought about it before Mason and I started texting but now there are lots of times that I wish I could say something or tell them something. The idea of talking to them isn't as scary as the idea of talking to the doctors.

  I think I could talk to my mom and Anson.

  "Really!! That's great Ava! I'm so proud of you! I know that's really hard for you! Think how happy it will make them!" He grins down at me and squeezes me again. I laugh too because he's so happy and excited.

  But only them. No doctors. Ok?

  "Yep only them! They are really gonna be happy Ava. When are you gonna tell them?"

  I don't know. How do I tell them? Just hand them my iPad with a message. I can text?

  I laugh at the idea. "That would get the idea across wouldn't it?" the more I think about it the harder and scarier it seems.

  It seems hard and scary and I don't know what to say or how to do it. Maybe it's not a good idea? Maybe they won't be happy?

  "Do you want me to go with you Ava? We could tell Kate and my Dad together then maybe your mom can figure out the best way to tell Anson. I promise you they are gonna lose their shit they will be so happy"

  What if they are mad, we didn't tell them right away?

  "Stop worrying goof head. Let's tell them tomorrow on your birthday. They will be happy, I promise." I laugh then because Mason makes a silly face at me and kinda pushes me away.

  Ok, ok, tomorrow.

  "Actually, I know just how to do it too. We will use that to ask to go for another ride. No way they will say no then" Mason grins.

  Really??? You think they will let us? I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanna go again!"

  "Really? Do you? I'm not sure you do?" Mason laughs getting up from the bed.

  Where are you going?

  "I'm hungry let's get some snacks and find a movie to watch. Deal?"

  Deal.

  Chapter 27

  Mason

  I wake up to Ava landing on the bed beside me. She's tapping me and shaking me and laughing. I grab my pillow and smack her with it "Oh my God what time is it? Why are you up so early?" I groan at her. She holds the iPad up.

  It's my birthday!!! Wake up!!!!

  She's so damn cute. She's all dressed in pink today and her hair is a wild mass of curls hanging down her back and over her shoulders. I freaking love her hair I could get lost in her hair. I yank her down beside me "C'mon Ava, just a little more sleep." She lies still for about two seconds before she pops back up bouncing and smiling. I laugh rolling my eyes. "Ok, ok, but can I take a shower and get dressed?" She sighs like I'm really being unreasonable. But then she laughs to let me know she's teasing. "Ok stay here I'll be right back. I hand her my phone to play on while I gather up clothes and head into my bathroom. I'm trying to teach her about Facebook and Instagram and she's finally starting to get it. That girl is nosy as fuck though so now she’s using Facebook to cyberstalk me. I don't care, I don't have shit to hide. I leave her on the bed scrolling through pictures of me with my friends back home.

  A half an hour later I walk back into the room. I guess she got bored with Facebook because she's playing Words with Friends. I look and see she's playing with one of the guys from my mom's band. "Ok birthday girl what do you wanna do first?"

  Go for a ride???

  We gotta go ask Kate are you ready for that?" She loses some of her smile and huffs out a breath. "Nope, no pouting a deal is a deal" I laugh.

  Fine.

  I haven't quite figured out what I'm gonna say to them I hope it'll just come to me. I grab Ava's hand and pull her off the bed. I take her iPad and delete, or conversation and she looks at me questioningly. I just grin at her as we head downstairs. I figure Kate and Dad would be in the dining room having breakfast. They usually have a long breakfast on Saturdays. They spend half the morning in there drinking coffee and reading the paper. Sure enough, that's where we find them. Dad is sitting at the head of the table and Kate is to his left. Ava and I sit down across from Kate.

  "Good morning birthday girl! Good morning Mason! Y'all are up early for a Saturday" Kate smiles at us.

  "Blame Ava she woke me up at the crack of dawn" I grin. Ava just smiles and rolls her eyes. She looks nervous as hell. I might as well get this over with and put her out of her misery.

  "So, we wanted to talk to you about something." I say. Dad and Kate put down their papers and look at us.

  "What about Mason?" My dad asks.

  "Well, we were wondering if I could take Ava for another ride on my bike" I say.

  "I don't know if that's such a good idea Mason." Kate says quietly.

  "Why not? She really wants to go." She looks at Ava who is nodding excitedly.

  "I'm just worried is all." Kate answers.

  "Ava wants to tell you something Kate and she's nervous about it so I told her I'd come with her." Kate frowns at me and Ava.

  "You want to tell me something?" She looks at Ava as she pulls out her iPad and types out.

  I really do want to go Mom please. I can handle it. I promise.

  "Ava! Oh my God! Ava! When did you start being able to write? This is amazing!" She jumps up and runs to Ava, hugging her. "I can't believe it! Really? Write something else!" Ava laughs.

  What do you want me to write?

  She laughs again and Kate squeals excitedly "Ava! You can TALK! You haven't talked to me in years! I've missed it so much." She's really emotional and crying. Kate covers her face and sobs for a few minutes finally, she pulls herself together and asks. "How are you doing this? When did you learn how to text?"

  It's not that I didn't know how I was just afraid to.

  "When did you stop being afraid? Have you been working on this with Dr. Brinkley? He didn't say anything to me about it. He told me that every time he tried you refused."

  No. Mason downloaded an app and showed me how to use it.

  "Mason did? Really?" She turns and gives me a megawatt grin. "That's amazing! We thought that you had forgotten how to write baby! This so huge! This is amazing!" She hugs Ava again. "Does Anson know? Oh my God, he's goin
g to so happy! I just I don't even know what to say!" No one could ever doubt that Kate loves Ava. I don't know how I could have ever thought she was drugging her or hurting her. She keeps hugging Ava, pushing her hair back from her face and kissing her cheeks and forehead.

  "Is this what you meant when you said Ava told you she wanted to go for a ride? And that she told you she liked it?" Dad asks me quietly.

  "Ya, Dad it is." I answer.

  "What even made you think that she could write?" Kate asked.

  "I guess it never occurred to me that she couldn't?" I tell her. Kate smiles at Ava.

  "Why didn't you ever write before Ava? If you knew how?" she asks.

  I was too afraid. I thought if I did the doctors would make me talk about things I didn't want to talk about. That's why I made Mason promise to keep it a secret.

  Kate frowns. "What happened to change your mind then?" she asks. She doesn't look quite as happy now. I don't think she likes hearing that we were keeping it a secret.

  Mason talked to me last night and told me that even if I talk to you and Anson that doesn't mean I have to talk to the doctors or have to talk about things I don't want to talk about. And talking to ya'll doesn't seem scary. I want to be able to talk to you and Anson Mom. I miss you.

  Kate breaks down sobbing again. She wraps Ava in a hug. "You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to baby. Or about anything you don't want to. I'm just so glad to have you back. To have my little girl back. There are so many times I've wished you could tell me what you need or want and now you can. I love you so much Ava baby so, so much."

  I love you too mom.

  Kate cries some more reading the message, after a few more minutes she sits back and pats her eyes with a napkin. "What a birthday!"

  Speaking of which can I go for a ride with Mason? Please, Mom, please?

  Ava laughs giving Kate big puppy eyes. "Where are you going to go?" She asks.

  The last time we just went up and down in front of the house. Can we just circle the block this time?

  "The block? I don't know Ava."

  Please? He won't stop at all. We won't get off the bike anywhere or talk to anyone. Just a couple of circles and come right back? I can do this mom. I really can.

  Kate looks at Ava for a long time with her hands cupping Ava’s, cheeks as she stares into her eyes finally, she exhales slowly "Ok baby just around the block" Ava squeals bouncing up and down.

  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

  Can we go now?

  Kate laughs "I guess so. You will wear a helmet, right?"

  Yes! I gotta go get my shoes!

  Ava takes off upstairs and Kate turns to me. "Thank you, Mason" She wraps her arms around me and gives me a hug.

  Chapter 28

  Ava

  Mason was right Mom was so happy to be able to talk to me, I feel bad a little bad for worrying about it. And I learned something too. I thought they knew that I could write, I figured they just thought that I wouldn't. I can't understand why they would think I couldn’t. I've been writing since I was 4 years old. I think back to when I first came home could I have written then? I don't remember that time very well. It's kind of fuzzy, a lot like when I was away. Most of the time it was more like I was watching life from far, far, away. Like how you watch tv but from across a big room so it's like you can see what's happening and you can hear what’s going on, sometimes you even realize that the person on the tv is actually you and it's all happening to you. But you're watching from so far away that the picture is kinda blurry and distorted. The voices seem far away and it's like you hear them from under thick blankets or like they are underwater. That's how life was when I first came home. So maybe I couldn't have written then if I'd even wanted to. Gradually over time, it was like the images came closer and closer and got clearer and clearer until it wasn't like I was watching life from a distance anymore. I wonder if I tried explaining that to anyone if they would understand.

  Later that night I'm upstairs in Mason’s room. Erica and Anson hung out with us for a while before Anson said he had homework to do and Erica said she was going to take a shower. "Did you have a good birthday?" Mason asks. I smile and nod at him. "Good you deserve good birthdays" he grins.

  When is your birthday?

  "It's in April" I lift a brow at him, and he laughs "April 12th"

  What's the best birthday you ever had?

  "The best? I don't know. Maybe my 16th? That's when I got my bike. I guess most kids get cars on their 16th birthday but I had told Mom I wanted a bike." She was out touring so she had someone come by and get me and we went to a Harley dealership. That was pretty awesome."

  You weren't sad she wasn't there?

  I frown that seems like that would be sad not having your mom there on your birthday. "Are you kidding me? I was used to her not being around. I threw a huge party at the house. I had way more fun than if she had been home"

  I can't imagine not having my mom or Anson around. It seems like it'd be lonely.

  "I guess when I was little, I would miss her and want her to be home with me, but the older I got I don't know it's just easier when she's not around. Even when she's in town she's never home. She's out partying or recording. You grew up with family around you, but I didn't. Maybe it's like they say you can't miss what you never had." Mason looks away. "She wasn't ever cut out to be a mom. Thankfully I realized that at a pretty young age and I didn't expect her to be"

  Why didn't you go live with your dad?

  "I don't know. I guess at first, he was busy with school and work and then he got married and had Erica. I guess by then I was used to living with Mom. We really didn't have much of a relationship when I was a kid and I guess by the time he was ready to have one I wasn't interested. I was more interested in my friends and things like that."

  What are your friends like? Do you miss them?

  "Nah not really. I probably would if I didn't have you around to keep me entertained" he grins down at me. I text with Jax a lot. He's my best friend back home, I guess. I mean it's only been like what? A few weeks, a month since I left there. Fuck that's not that long. I miss the ocean though. I really fucking miss the ocean. I used to spend a lot of time there"

  Really? I can't picture you on the beach. You don't seem the type.

  I laugh at the image of Mason on the beach in flowered swim trunks. "What’s so funny Brat? Why can’t you picture it?"

  I don’t know you all dressed in black with your bike. Or you in some flowery swimsuit on a surfboard? Neither image really fits.

  I'm really laughing. He grins back at me. "Ok ya, I can see why that’s funny. But no, I would mostly go at night. Usually with a few friends. Sometimes, we would light a fire and just sit around drinking, listening to music and the sound of the waves. It nice, relaxing. Trust me you would love it. The beach at night is way better than the beach in the daytime. Especially if you know where to go. Where to go that no one else goes. Then you have the whole place to just yourself or you and your friends. If you want a party, you gotta know where to go to find the best parties. I knew all the best areas. Someday Ava we will ride my bike out to California, and I'll take you to the beach." Mason smiles at me and picks up my hand. He's been doing that more and more. Picking my hand up, squeezing my fingers or tracing patterns in my palm. I really like it. It's so nice I don't want to pull my hand away to text him. So, I just lay my head on his shoulder.

  After a while Mason puts in a movie and we sit on his bed holding hands staring at the TV. I have no idea what we watch. My mind is still too full of Mason, of the feel of his warm strong hand continually rubbing and stroking mine. Of his shoulder beneath my head the scent that is particular to Mason in my nose. Mason smells different than anyone else, like soap and his bike and I don't know what else. He doesn't smell fake like cologne or whatever. He just smells like a Mason. Even his scent does weird fluttery things to my stomach. I sit staring at the screen, at the people running around on it, but all I see is Ma
son on the beach with his friends laughing, sitting in front of a fire quiet and alone. Or me with him, holding hands like we are now, watching the waves crash onto the sand. And I want that. More than I want so many other things, I want to be there with him exactly like that.

  Chapter 29

  Mason

  I wake up alone on my bed. I don't know what time Ava left. We fell asleep watching some movie. I can't even remember what movie we ended up watching. I know I need to be careful with Ava, but I can't seem to. I tell myself I'm gonna go slow. I'm not gonna fall too far too fast but I know it’s already a lie. This girl gets to me. Every single thing about her gets to me. Her hair, her eyes, her fucking mouth. How the fuck can such an innocent-looking girl have such a dirty fucking mouth? That's the thing about Ava, she's one contradiction after another. She is the sweetest girl I've ever met. All happy and smiles, giggles and cuteness, in a smoking hot body. One minute she seems so young and innocent and the next so wise and smart. Her eyes are wide and honest like they could never lie or hurt you. But then sometimes when I look into them, they are full of pain and there's a brokenness in them that makes me want to wrap her up in soft blankets and hide her away from the world. She stirs this protectiveness in me that makes me want to never let her feel pain or sorrow or fear or disappointment ever again. I'm so fucking gone over her. Even when I try to reel my emotions in, I just fall deeper.

  Which going by the conversation I had with my dad yesterday I guess is pretty fucking clear. While Ava was up talking to Anson my dad came by my room. Now that was a fucking awkward conversation the door was open since I was waiting on Ava. Dad walked in and shut the door.

  "Hey Son, let’s talk ok" He had a serious look on his face, which in hindsight should have tipped me off that I wasn't gonna like this talk all that much.

  "Sure dad, what's up?" I reply scrolling through my phone and reading messages from Jax and few other guys back home. Dad sits on the bed and I toss my phone beside me.

  "It looks like you and Ava are getting pretty close." I just look at him. He doesn't say anything else.