All That Matters

by Sadie Rose

  "It doesn't just sound great either." Anson returns. I glare at him cuz I don't want him upsetting Ava. He laughs "We can watch how it goes with y'all then know whether or not Erica and I need to keep our mouths shut." He winks over at Erica as Ava picks up a shoe and tosses it at his head. Anson ducks laughing. He flips Ava the bird and she glares at him. I look down at my feet. Damn, when the hell did that come off? I wonder as I look at my shoeless foot. I reach down and take the other shoe off and hurl it at his head. I don't miss. Stupid fucker.

  "Ow! Fuck man!" Anson yells at me but we all laugh as we get up off my floor.

  Chapter 45

  Mason

  Anson and I show up for dinner bloody and battered. I think he looks worse, but he denies it. Whatever. He has a huge black eye AND a split lip. Clearly, I'm the winner in this battle. I gave Ava a little lecture about having more confidence in her man and she agrees with me I'm definitely the winner. Of course, I heard Erica say the same thing to Anson so maybe that's just what girls say when looking into a guys mangled face.

  "What the hell happened to you two!" Dad yells when we walk in.

  "Mason badmouthed the Cowboys one too many times" Anson jokes sitting down. Kate laughs, because she knows Anson can't stand the Dallas Cowboys. Dad looks between me and Ava and me and Anson and it's pretty clear he's pieced the puzzle together. Plus, the looks him and Kate are shooting each other are pretty telling. Thankfully nothing else is said during dinner. After dinner Ava and I are upstairs in my room, the door is open, and we are playing my Xbox. Dad appears in the doorway,

  “I need to speak to Mason alone please, Ava." Dad says. Ava looks at me wide-eyed, but she gets up and leaves. Dad strides in and shuts the door harder than necessary. He doesn't waste any time.

  "This can't happen between you and Ava" he says.

  "Too late." I answer.

  "No, it's not too late. End it. End it now!" Dad is really pissed. I'm surprised, I didn't expect him to be so mad.

  "I'm not ending it, Dad." I say.

  "Yes, you will. I warned you before you ever got here that you had one chance Mason." His jaw tics. "I warned you about Ava. This isn't a joke. This isn’t some damn game!" I don't know why he's acting this way. I'm trying to stay calm and not lose my temper.

  "I know it's not. I'm serious about Ava." He freaking explodes,

  "You're serious about Ava? You're serious about Ava! Mason she's barely fifteen! She's fifteen fucking years old she hasn't left her house in over 4 years! She hasn't fucking spoken in 5 years! And you think she can handle a relationship! Being in love?" Dad is pacing in front of me, waving his arms around and yelling. "Have y'all had your first fight yet? What about when you leave for college? How the hell can you say that you love her and then think to put all this extra stress on her? You are smarter than this Mason!" I look away because in some ways I know he's right. But he's also wrong. I won't hurt Ava.

  "I'm not going to hurt her," I say, but it sounds weak even to my ears. Dad takes a deep breath it's obvious he is fighting for control. He sits down beside me.

  "Yes, you will. Relationships hurt. You are going to hurt her and she's going to hurt you. The difference is when you hurt her, she's going to relapse. What if she goes back into her shell? What if she has one of her fucking episodes and this time, she doesn't come out of it?" Dad looks me in the eye. "How will you feel then son? She's too damn young and too damn immature and Jesus Mason she's too fucking traumatized for a fucking teenage romance." I look down, fuck he makes too much sense.

  "Ending it will hurt her worse" I say weakly.

  "Better now than later Mason."

  When he leaves, I lay on my bed thinking? Maybe Dad is right. Fuck, I know that he probably is right. Tears sting the back of my eyes, but I ignore them. I took advantage of her; she hasn't really had many options, has she? Every doubt I've ever had circles around and around in my head. But how the hell can I end things with Ava? Without hurting her. I'm not even thinking about how I'll feel. I'm thinking about what my dad said. He's right. She is too fucking young. And too inexperienced. I'm an asshole, I should have just stayed friends with her. Dammit, it's not like I didn't try though. I know I should go upstairs and face her, but I don't know what to say. So, I stay in my room. I can't sleep. I feel like a fucking coward, avoiding her. All I can do is replay my dad's words over and over in my head. I hear a knock on the door. I know it’s Ava.

  "Ya" I answer. She walks in and looks at me.

  "What happened" she asks, sitting on the bed. I don't answer her for a long time.

  "He says we need to break up" I tell her.

  "But we aren't going to, right?" Ava says quietly.

  "I don't know Ava, maybe they are right." I can't meet her eyes.

  "Why? Why are they all of a sudden right?" She demands. She sounds angry. I expected hurt, but not anger.

  "What about all the reasons your mom said Ava? And honestly, I'm not sure you are ready for a relationship, for sex, and all that. I should have waited" I try to explain.

  "I can't believe you’re saying this! I can't believe all it took was one conversation and you are just giving in!" I look at her she doesn't look hurt or fragile. She looks like she's about to kick my ass. I press her harder.

  "What if we do fight? What if we break up? Fuck Ava! What do you expect me to say here?" I ask.

  "I expected you to say what you have said all along, that they can't make us do anything! I expected you to fight at least a little bit!" My mouth twitches a little as she glares down at me.

  "What if I hurt you? You know that I will eventually! I'm going to fuck something up! I'll forget a birthday or anniversary? I'll say something stupid." She glares at me and jumps up off the bed, standing over me, with her eyes blazing

  "You're already saying something stupid! And we are already fighting! You know what we aren't doing? We aren't breaking up! You're being a jerk, Mason! I'm going to my room! When you are done being a jerk come get me!" she marches to my door, all fire and ice huffing under her breath about "Stupid freaking boys." As she walks out of my room and she slams the door so hard I swear Dad feels it two flights up.

  She's only gone about two seconds before whatever fog I've been in since my dad walked in the door clears and I jump up and run after her. I yank the door open and take a few steps and grab her hand. I drag her back into my room and shut the door.

  "I'm a fucking asshole Ava. I don't know what I was thinking. He got to me." She glares at me but doesn't say anything.

  "It's because of my past isn't it?" She hisses at me. I don't want to admit it, but I know that's a big part of it. "I'm sick of people acting like I'm so damn weak!" she says.

  "You are not weak Ava," I say.

  "Then why are you treating me like I am!" She yells. I run my hand through my hair.

  "It's scary ok! It's scary worrying about you. About hurting you!" I finally admit. I don't know what else to say.

  "I don't want to be with someone who thinks I'm too weak to even have a boyfriend," Ava says softly and I see that she's right, but can't she see I'm right too? She turns around and walks out the door. She doesn't slam it this time, just lets it click softly behind her. I don't go after her.

  Chapter 46

  Ava

  I stomp upstairs to my room. Anson is standing in his doorway. "What happened?" He asks.

  "We broke up." I answer.

  "Ava wait." He tries to grab my arm, but I shake him off.

  "Leave me alone." I yell at him and shove him away. I go into my bathroom. I don't bother locking the door because I know Mom has the key, so it wouldn't do any good. I stomp around the bathroom and start taking off my clothes, I'm so angry! So damn angry! I want to throw something, and I want to yell! I want to scream. It's not fair! I feel like being punished! I run a bath and put bubbles in it. I climb into the bathtub and cover my face with my hands. I'm angry but I have to admit I'm hurt too. I'm more hurt that my family sees me as this weak fragile creature. I f
eel like they have just been lying to me all along, saying that they believed in me but really, they don't. I thought Mason saw something they didn't see but all he sees is a broken girl. A stupid, broken, little girl! I wrap my arms around my knees and cry. I'm strong. I'm stronger than they think. I know that I have a hard time coping sometimes. But I survived and I'm ok. Then I start thinking. Am I ok though? It's true, I spend 90 percent of the time in a bubble in my room. I still play with dumb dolls; I sleep with a stuffed animal. Jesus, I even suck my thumb some nights. I cry harder. No wonder he sees me as weak. I am weak.

  I get out of the bath and dry off. I dress in my pajamas and stand in front of the mirror. I'm wearing pink pajamas with unicorns on them. Even my clothes are weak! I yank them off and wrap up in my towel. I stomp to my bedroom and fling myself in bed. I keep going from angry to sad. I bury my face in my pillow crying. There’s a hesitant knock at the door and Mom pops her head in.

  "Ava, honey are you ok?" She asks softly.

  "Go away!" I yell. "I never should have told you about Mason! Leave me alone!" Mom walks over to my bed.

  "Ava, baby, I'm sorry. I just don't think you're ready." She sits on the bed and rubs my back.

  "Fine! I'm not ready! But I don't want you here just leave me alone. I'm fine!" I yank away from her.

  "I'm not having an episode, but I'm allowed to be sad and I'm allowed to cry. Go away! Let me cry in peace!" I turn back over and put my face in my pillow, after a few minutes she gets up and walks out of my room, shutting the door quietly.

  I cry all night. Finally, I fall asleep as the sun is coming up. I only sleep a couple of hours and when I wake up, I feel different. Stronger. I'm not going to let this hold me back. I look around my room. I don't care if it's a bubble. I don't CARE if it makes me immature or a little girl. I like my room. I like my dolls. I like my clothes and stuffed animals. I like sucking my thumb sometimes and if that bothers Mason then to hell with him. And if it bothers my mom or Anson or anyone else to hell with them too. Those things make me feel better and they make me happy. I get out of bed and go into the bathroom. I'm still naked. I go into my closet and find a pair of soft yellow panties with a unicorn on the front and a matching bra with a unicorn over the left breast, I like these clothes. So, I'm going to wear them. I find a pink and yellow plaid pleated skirt and put it on. I know I have a super cute yellow shirt with a cute unicorn on the front in here somewhere and I look for it. What difference does it make if I like happy colors? Erica likes dressing a certain way. She's very into the latest fashion and newest trends, she works hard for her body and likes clothes that are fitted and shows it off. Mom likes blue jeans and boots. She doesn't care at all about fashion or trends. Why is it ok for them to dress in ways that make them happy but not ok for me? I find the shirt and pull it on. The skirt has matching plaid suspenders with unicorn snaps, so I dig around until I find them. I accept Mom and Erica how they are. Mason dresses all in black and he has a lip piercing and eyebrow ring. He even has tattoos. Why is that ok? I think as I march around my closet tossing clothes here and there.

  But I'm immature and weak because of how I like to dress and act? I don't act like he's a thug, or like Erica's shallow. Anson plays football but no one treats him like a dumb jock. I'm getting angry again. I yank on some yellow over the knee socks and go brush my hair. I part my hair down the middle and French braid each side. I tie pink ribbons on the ends and do my makeup. I look in the mirror. I think I look cute. I lean forward and look into my eyes. I remember doing this a few months ago and wondering what people saw when they looked into my eyes. My eyes are wide and clear, ok they are a little red still. I see the same girl I saw a few months ago. Only stronger, braver, healthier. If that's not what others see, then that's their problem. I know I'm not healed; I know I may never really be healed or normal but I'm better. And I've worked really hard to get better. I'm not going to hide in my room. I'm not going to change one damn thing about myself either. If this isn't the version of me that Mom or Anson or Mason wants than too bad because this is the only version I know how to be. It's the only version I want to be.

  Chapter 47

  Ava

  I sit at the bar eating my breakfast it's almost noon, so no one is home. I mean obviously people are here but Erica, Mason, Anson and the twins are all at school. I guess Andrew is at work. And Mom is somewhere. I'm still pissed at my mom, but I feel bad for talking to her like I did. I know that I need to apologize to her. She has been too good to me to be treated that way. I'm still mad at Mason too but I'm not apologizing to him. He's a jerk. I really expected more from him, maybe I shouldn't have but I did. And he let me down. He let US down. As I'm eating Mom walks in. She looks surprised to see me dressed and sitting there.

  "Ava, you're up." She says, confirming my suspicion that she thought I would be up in my room. I'm still so mad at her that I don't even want to look at her.

  "I'm still mad at you and I still wish I hadn't told you about Mason but I'm sorry I was mean to you. You didn't deserve that. You're a good mom and I shouldn't have spoken to you like that." She nods her head.

  "Thank you, Ava" she says quietly. "I know you're mad and I know you and I don't agree on this, but I love you I'm trying to do what I think is best" I know she means it but I don't care.

  "I love you too. I'm going upstairs" I walk out because if I stay, I may say things that I shouldn't.

  When I get upstairs, I find my phone and go into my playroom. I sit down in front of my dolls just looking up at them. I remember how happy I was when my dad had this dollhouse made. I still feel that looking up at it. Even as mad as I am, I remember that day and it makes me smile. I scroll through my phone and see two messages from Mason. The first one was from last night.

  Mason: I'm sorry

  The second was from an hour ago

  Mason: I think we should talk.

  Me: I agree.

  I spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in my playroom, brushing my dolls hair and dressing them up in cute outfits. When I get bored of that I stretch out on the floor in front of my bookcase with my colors and books and markers all around me. Kitty lays beside me purring. When Mason knocks on the door I call out to come in.

  "We need to talk Ava." He says quietly watching me. I get up.

  "Ok. But not here. Let's go to your room"

  Chapter 48

  Mason

  I fucked up. I know I should fix it, but I also know it may be best not to fix it. I remind myself that it's better for Ava to hurt her a little now rather than wait a year or two down the road and hurt her worse later. Maybe this was inevitable all along. I thought about it all night last night. I couldn't sleep, I know I hurt Ava. But this is hurting me too. Still, I sent her a message last night saying that I was sorry. She ignored it. Anson came into my room. He was pissed but he agreed that it's best to end things now. I know Kate went to talk to Ava and she said that she's upset but at least she's talking and ok. So, I know that she didn't spiral into an episode or anything.

  School is fucking miserable. Ever since I got here, I've been so focused on Ava I haven't bothered to make friends. I've spent months pushing everyone away and so now I'm sitting here alone. I can't believe how much has changed in one day. In a few hours. My phone dings and I look down at it. It's a message from ava.

  Ava: I agree

  That's it. I don't even know what that means. I ride home after school and go up to Ava's room. When I walk in, she is stretched out on the floor coloring with Kitty lying beside her. It's exactly like I've found her dozens of times before. She looks so fucking adorable, my heart physically hurts just looking at her. Her skirt is so tiny my cock hurts a little too. She looks up but instead of smiling or jumping up to kiss me she just sits up.

  "We need to talk, Ava" I say. She nods her head.

  "Ok but not here. Let's go to your room." She answers. The fact that she doesn't want to talk here is bad, I know. We walk back down to my room and I swear it feels like a fucking de
ath march. When we get to my room, I close the door behind us. We stand there awkwardly for a few minutes before I take her hand and lead her to the bed. We sit down facing each other. I remember all the other times we have been here in this room and I kinda wish I had said not my room either, but we are already here now.

  "I'm sorry Ava" I say still holding her hand. "I never meant to hurt you." She nods her head.

  "I know you didn't. I didn't mean to hurt you either." Neither speaks for a while. I don't know if it's because we don't know what to say or we just don't know how to say it.

  "You were right though." She finally says so quietly that I can barely hear her but the tears I hear in her voice breaks my heart. "It's better to end things now I'd rather be your friend than for us to end up resenting and hating each other."

  I nod still holding her soft hand. I remind myself that she's right, but this hurts so much more than I thought it would. I knew it would hurt but I feel like my heart is being squeezed. I tell myself I gotta man up this isn't about me; it's about protecting Ava.

  "I didn't realize how scary it was for you to be with me. How much worry and pressure you felt? I should have but I didn't. I'm sorry." Tears spill over her eyes and runs down her cheeks, she wipes them away. I hate myself for saying that to her. I meant it but still, I hate I said it. I did worry about her but only because I love her, and I want to protect her. I don't know what to say though.

  "It's only because I love you Ava, not because I see you as weak." I whisper quietly.

  "I know." She chokes out not looking me and swallowing hard. I'm not sure she believes me.

  "You're not weak Ava" I repeat firmly. She starts crying very softly and nods her head.

  "I know." She repeats. And I realize that it doesn't matter what I say. That just like I'm doing this to protect Ava, she's doing it to protect me. Because she sees herself as a burden to me. And I see how that one comment changed things between us. She doesn't believe me. She thinks I see her as weak, as broken. Tears burn my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. She gets up and goes to walk out but I'm still holding her hand and I want to pull her back. I want to tell her I was wrong and I'm sorry. But I can't. I can't say the words. I want to hold her in my arms and cry and wipe her tears away. I know that whatever I say doesn't matter anymore because whatever was between us is broken now. I let her go. When she leaves, I decide fuck it? And let the tears fall.