Determine the Future (The Exceptional S. Beaufont Book 10)

by Sarah Noffke

  Feeling the tension headache from dealing with Rudolf earlier returning, Sophia rubbed her temple. “Yeah, let’s not split hairs on that when there are so many other things I know that you’ll want to do that with.”

  “Damn straight.” Lee waved her fist in the air. “Like, let’s discuss people who say the word ‘fix’ when they mean ‘make.’ I had a guy in here ask me if I’d fix him a cup of coffee. I asked him if afterward, he’d like me to build him a cake or something.”

  Sophia realized that the tension headache would probably require two hands as she put fingers to both of her temples and pressed. “Can we focus, please? Why are you mad at me?”

  “The list is long and the reasons varied,” Lee began. “But presently, it’s because you enlisted my help to fix the water supply in Scotland. And please note that’s the proper use of the word fix. It means to repair.”

  “It can also mean ‘dose’ such as a shot or an injection,” Sophia decided to argue. If she couldn’t beat them, she’d join them.

  “I need you to focus, Sophia. We’re discussing the solution definition of fix, so stop with your drug obsession for a while.”

  “You know me,” Sophia said dryly.

  “I mean, you wouldn’t say, ‘hey go remedy me a cup of coffee,’ would you?” Lee asked and paused as though truly interested in Sophia’s answer.

  When she didn’t supply one, Lee nodded, as if she’d gotten the reply she wanted. “Yeah, so the moral is to use words the way they were intended. We make coffee and fix water supplies, except me. I’m not doing anything to help you again so don’t even ask.”

  Sophia held up the blue box from Ticker. “Oh, good. That’s not why I’m here.”

  “Why did you bring special and rare ingredients from the Brownies? Who gave those to you?”

  Sophia blinked at the assassin baker. “First, how do you know what they are? And unsurprisingly, I got them from a Brownie.”

  Lee pointed at the box. “I know because I could smell it before you entered the shop. Why did you portal right in front of the door? You know that portals are supposed to be used on Roya Lane at the far end to preserve the flow of traffic.”

  “I was deterred by an angry mob.” Sophia shook her head. “Can we stay on track?”

  “There’s never any fun in that,” Lee argued, cutting her off. “Do you know where a train goes? Of course, you do because the track leads straight there. Talk about the worst type of getaway vehicle. If you want to have fun in life, you have to go off the tracks and off-road.”

  “Is that quote a Lee original?”

  She nodded. “You can borrow it, but I want credit. And royalties.”

  “What sort of delusional world do you live in?” Sophia feigned seriousness.

  “A good one,” Lee answered at once. “It used to be quiet. Then people found out that I could fix water supplies and whatnot. Now the phone won’t stop ringing.” Her face pinched suddenly. “Lee, help us, our well is poisoned. Hurry Lee, can you save the fish in the oceans? There was an oil spill. The calls are incessant.”

  Sophia lowered her chin and let out a long breath meant to relax her. “So you’re mad at me because I painted you out to be a hero, and now you’re sought after for your skills. Is that right?”

  “Exactly!”

  “I thought we talked about this,” Sophia began. “Now you can charge a premium to save the world a little at a time, and it’s a win-win for everyone. You get to take advantage of people who have problems, and they get clean water and prosper.”

  “I’ve had time to think about this, and there are a lot of problems with it. First, preserving the world at large and making it a better place goes against my core values. It contradicts the mission statement, which makes me look like a hypocrite.”

  “What mission statement?”

  Lee pointed at the back wall that was mostly covered in smoke stains and flour, but Sophia could make out a small sign with fairies dancing in the air around it. The sign read: Our mission is to change the world into something that benefits us.

  “That’s your mission statement? And you put it right there for all your loyal customers to read?”

  “It’s better than our last one, which was, ‘We put the ‘w’ in ‘qwality.’”

  “How charming.” Sophia chuckled.

  “Anyway, after I got to thinking about it, this ‘save the world’ business isn’t really for me even if I make lots of money because it goes against my other mission.”

  “Which is?” Sophia had to ask.

  “To diminish the population,” Lee replied proudly.

  “Right.” Sophia drew out the word and shook her head.

  “Then these losers who need clean water keep bugging me. Do you know how hard it is to sleep sixteen hours a day with the phone constantly ringing?”

  “Have you tried turning it to silent?” Sophia offered.

  Lee shook her head. “Then I’d miss the call from Portia De Rossi. I gave her my number years ago, and I’m still waiting for her to return the call.”

  “Seems like a good use of your energy.”

  “It is,” Lee stated. “Cat knows that when Portia calls, she’s getting kicked to the curb.”

  “I admire your tenacity and unwavering devotion to this goal.”

  “I’m a true inspiration,” Lee remarked plainly. “Anyway, it’s too much. Using my powers for good only sounded nice in theory.”

  “Well, I think maybe you need some infrastructure to help you manage things because your talents can’t be kept all to yourself.” Sophia pulled a business card from the pocket of her cloak and offered it to Lee. “I recommend this guy. He could help you set up the business, possibly manage it for you and all you’d have to do is the bare minimum. So max profits and little work.”

  “Now you’re talking my language.” Lee took the card but didn’t look at it. “My other, other motto is how to do the least amount of work to get the most amount of money.”

  “You really should be teaching ethics classes,” Sophia joked.

  “I really should.” Lee glanced at the card, and her face shifted with annoyance. “I know this guy. I’ve almost killed him several times. Why didn’t you say I should call King Rudolf Sweetwater and or get a lobotomy?”

  “Because you would have rejected the idea right away,” Sophia stated. “But I can attest that he’s a surprisingly excellent business partner. It’s really strange, but I can’t imagine having gone into business with anyone else and having a better experience. It’s almost worth the headaches…”

  “So you’re proposing that I bring him on board to manage the day-to-day of my new water treatment business?” Lee asked. “I’ll remind you that again this goes against my whole thing about taking out most people, not saving them.”

  Sophia shook her head. “You’re simply giving them a fighting chance. The idiots and parasites of the world will filter through, and you can take them out with your assassin business. Think of this as a way to maximize both businesses. One keeps them alive, and the other gets to take them out.”

  Lee ran her hand over her chin while thinking. “That’s pretty good. I mean, I do like children and want them to live. I also like people with a healthy level of sarcasm and a propensity to sticking it toward bullies. So I wouldn’t want anything to happen to them. I guess a more handpicked assassin approach is my style.”

  Sophia nodded. “I agree. That way you get to choose who you take out rather than blindly letting a whole population wither away.”

  Lee slipped the business card for King Rudolf Sweetwater into her pocket. “All right, you’ve survived to live another day. For your helpfulness, I’ll do you the favor you’re no doubt about to ask for. So go ahead and tell me how you got hold of three of some of the rarest and sought-after magical baking ingredients in the world?”

  Chapter Eighty-Five

  “Like I said,” Sophia began and handed the box of apparently prized magical baking ingredients over to Lee, “I
got them from a Brownie.”

  Lee opened the box and gave the supplies a discerning look before glancing back at Sophia. “You do realize that’s not a statement most…nary anyone can say.”

  “Well, my sister Liv works with the Brownies, and she introduced me,” Sophia explained.

  “You two are very strange with giant friends and partnerships with the king of the fae.” Lee didn’t sound impressed as much as paranoid. “What sort of favors do you do for these people?”

  “Usually we save their butts, and they save ours, and we go back and forth like that.” Sophia pointed at the box in the baker assassin’s hands. “Anyway, I got that from the Official Brownie Headquarters just now, so I know it’s real.”

  Lee slid the blue box onto the counter and shook her head. “You’re probably the first magician they’ve allowed in there. Brownies don’t like to work with magicians. They don’t usually work with anyone because it compromises their servitude to the mortals. I wonder how the old fogies feel that a magician has been mixing with one of theirs. You say they help you?”

  Sophia suddenly thought about the union problems that Mortimer faced. Could it be caused by the Brownies helping her and Liv? She hoped not. Things were in flux in the world right then, and there might be several reasons that the coalition was having issues. She’d look into that when she didn’t have a billion problems of her own.

  “Anyway, the point is that I got these ingredients for Bep at the Rose Apothecary or she won’t help me,” Sophia explained. “I need it made into something, but I didn’t have a chance to ask the Brownie what it would be best to make.”

  Lee peeked into the box again, studying the contents. “Easy. Imposter dessert.”

  “Say what?” Sophia questioned.

  “Im-post-er de-ss-ert.” Lee sounded out each syllable as though Sophia was suddenly hard of hearing. “It’s a dessert that looks like something else. Usually, it resembles a savory entrée like a pizza, burger, pot pie, or fried chicken. Lots of work goes into appearance or rather deception. You can guess that I’m bloody great at these types of things.”

  “I guess that does make sense. So then when you bite into it, you get sweet instead of what’s expected, right? Your brain tells you that you’re going to get a meaty burger, but instead it’s a doughy cake with sweet frosting?”

  “Yep,” Lee affirmed. “It’s pretty clever, and as you said, it’s more of a mind game than anything. You’ve heard the phrase about how we eat with our eyes, right?”

  Sophia nodded.

  “So this plays with that part of our brain.”

  “These ingredients,” Sophia began, indicating the box on the counter, “they’re right for this kind of dessert?”

  “They’re ideal for it. I’d guess that if you’d asked this Brownie friend of yours, that’s what they would have told you. As I said, these are rare ingredients and will make the most convincing imposter dessert I’ve ever attempted. I’m guessing I can even get the burger to smell like fried meat and pickles. It will convince the person that it’s a burger down to the moment they take a bite of it. Then bam!” She slapped her hands together as excitement made her eyes widen. “It’ll not only not be the burger their brain expected, but it will be the best cake wrapped in fondant they’ve ever had.”

  “Wow, that’s great.” Then Sophia wondered why Bep wanted something so complicated. But the potions expert had been right when she suspected that Sophia could get these magical ingredients from the Brownies. A strange mind-game dessert was probably right up the potions expert’s alley. Sophia didn’t see her eating anything simple. She wasn’t only craving a dessert but also an adventure.

  “So you don’t mind making this dessert for me?” Sophia asked.

  “No, not at all,” Lee stated. “Don’t tell yourself this, but it will be an honor and so much fun to have the opportunity to work with those ingredients. Should be a total breeze too. Oh, and I won’t need all of the ingredients for the dessert and will nick the rest for my use.”

  Sophia blinked at the baker assassin. “You do realize that you told me that?”

  Lee waved her hand in a circle. “Shush, you’re getting very sleepy. You’re forgetting everything that I’ve previously said in the last thirty seconds.” She snapped her fingers. “You can wake up now.”

  After drawing in a breath, Sophia shook her head. “Do you think you hypnotized me?”

  “I know I did,” Lee said sneakily. “And yes, I can make the dessert, but it will be arduous and no fun. However, I’ll do it for you. Oh, and it will require all the ingredients. None will be left over.”

  Sophia sighed. “Okay. Sure thing.”

  “Now, I only have one remaining question.” Lee glanced over Sophia’s shoulder.

  “What’s that?”

  The baker assassin pointed at the front window. “Why is that guy lurking at the front of my shop and looks like he wants to murder one of us? I don’t remember trying to kill him or anyone he knows.”

  Chapter Eighty-Six

  “Oh, it most likely wasn’t you,” Sophia said with zero inflection as she gauged the guy who wore a mean expression and brandished a fist that looked ready to assault her as he stared through the bakery window. Sophia was surprised that the bold gentleman, who was anything but gentle, stood there in such a threatening fashion.

  She turned and gave Lee an apologetic look. “I think he’s here to see me.”

  “Oh, did you try and murder his wife?” Lee pointed her finger at the door and bolted it shut.

  Sophia shook her head. “No, I don’t murder people.”

  “Poor you. Maybe one day you’ll know that joy of ridding the useless from this planet.”

  “Maybe,” Sophia remarked. “I think he’s here because I have a new set of enemies.”

  “Welcome to Wednesday morning for me,” Lee sang. “Some have new music Friday, but I get to wake up to new enemies Wednesdays. It’s delightful. Always a new list. New skills. I have a ton of fun hunting them down and taking them out—or letting them go depending on what they can offer.”

  “I think that makes you the worst assassin ever,” Sophia remarked.

  Lee shrugged and pulled a carton of ice cream seemingly from thin air. “So why is murder face after you? Did you make eyes at his girlfriend? Make an inappropriate joke about his momma? Tell him that he’s incompetent and show him a detailed bar chart that explained why?”

  Sophia shook his head. “No, none of those things. There are these evil dragonriders who have taken power who are sort of being mistaken for the Dragon Elite. They’re pillaging mortals and magical creatures, but everyone thinks it’s us. Anyway, no one knows about the Rogue Riders so we’re the target.”

  Lee smiled brightly. “If I were them, I’d up my game and make the most of this confusion. Really pillage until the Dragon Elite was waist-deep in slander.”

  Sophia lowered her chin and glanced at Angry Pants, who started to beat on the glass as if that would gain him access. “You’re not helping.”

  “Let the record show that I’m trying,” Lee stated.

  “Because you say, ‘let the record show,’ it doesn’t make it true,” Sophia imparted. “Also, we have no record. It’s merely a conversation between you and me.”

  “Okay, but we have to figure out how to deal with Angry McAngrysons.” Lee indicated point-blank the red-faced jerk who was still outside and now banging on the window like that might grant him entry.

  “Well, I can’t portal from a place on Roya Lane,” Sophia mused. “Only the Lane itself, which means I have to leave your store. And I’d also want to draw him away.”

  “Unless I murder him,” Lee said with delight.

  “You said that out loud.”

  “That I did,” Lee rejoiced.

  “So that means I need to leave here and Gots-It-All-Wrong is going to come after me,” Sophia stated.

  “Murder him, and we’ll put him in tomorrow’s meat pie,” Lee suggested.

&nb
sp; “Remind me for the tenth time never to eat here.”

  “Don’t eat here unless you like a little gristle in your cake.” Lee smiled.

  “Anyway, I can’t murder Mr. Murder Face because that will draw undue attention to me and everyone will think that the Dragon Elite are bad.”

  “Aren’t you?” Lee appeared confused.

  Sophia shook her head. “No, we’re the good guys.”

  “Ohhhh!” Lee exclaimed. “I get confused because I usually align with the bad guys. But okay, you’re good. I get it. If you attack the deranged idiot who’s confused you for a bad guy, then you’ll look like the bad guy so it’s better if you deflect until you clear your name, which will take bringing down the actual bad guys.”

  Sophia stared at Lee with utter disbelief. “You did get it…for once.”

  “It’s all the drugs,” Lee stated. “They help me to think clearly.”

  “Said no one, ever.” Sophia laughed.

  “Okay, so we need to get you out the door, wrestle down Got-It-All-Wrong Face, and you can bring him in and help to clear your name.”

  “Wait, what?” Sophia wondered about this new direction.

  “Well, you can wait to clear your name after you take down your enemy, but that might take a while,” Lee began. “So how about take down someone who got it wrong? Bring them in, set them straight, and broadcast. That way you can explain to everyone who they’re dealing with and do the do-gooder thing and warn them of the new menace on the streets.”

  Sophia was speechless for a moment. “That’s genius.”

  “I know,” Lee stated proudly. “That’s why I get paid the big bucks.”

  She pointed at the door to the bakery where Mr. Persistent wasn’t giving up, continuing his tantrum. “So tell me when you’re ready. I’ll open the door, and you can play the hero, but you have to do it all on your own because I have to go bake a dessert for a friend.”

  “I appreciate you helping me out with the imposter dessert.” Sophia smiled at Lee.

  The baker assassin shook her head and frowned. “I was referring to my dog. It’s almost Hash’s dinner time.”