Save Me

by Brisa Starr

  Ash: Hi. :)

  Me: You make me smile.

  Ash: That’s what friends are for. ;)

  Oh boy. Well, if I wondered where I stood before, I know now. Friends. Well, it is what we agreed to. It is best. Though we should talk about that kiss.

  My god… that kiss. The memory still lingers on my lips.

  Me: Hey, I was wondering if I could stop by later and we could hang out. I could bring pizza for us, your dad included.

  Ash: Sounds good. Wanna say 6? My dad goes to bed early.

  Me: Great. Any special requests for toppings?

  Ash: Dad loves anchovies. For me? Anything goes, but I’m happy with meat on top.

  Me: You got it. See you later.

  Ash: Bye.

  Cool, I get to see her later. And with her dad there, I’ll be on my best behavior. It’ll be a good way to ease back into being together. Tomorrow morning, we can run, too.

  I finish getting settled in, and I turn my parents’ den into my temporary office. It’s a cool setup. The room has a view out the front, so I can see Ash’s house from here. I rearranged my dad’s stuff, helping Mom go through it all, and we cleared the desk to set up my dual monitors.

  My mom gives me a hug. “Thanks for staying, honey. It means so much to me.”

  “No problem, Mom. I know, and I’m glad I could help. How’s Maggie doing?”

  “She’s doing fine. I expect she’ll go into labor in the next couple of weeks. I can’t wait to be a grandmother!” Her eyes shine with delight. “I’m going to spoil that baby with love. And one of these days, I’ll do the same for your children.”

  “Whoa, slow down, Mom. I should probably meet someone first, and then maybe marry her?” She laughs and I wink, but I know nothing would make her happier than a house full of grandkids.

  “Alright, I’m gonna take a shower and then do some work. Hey, I’m taking pizza over to eat with Ash and Carleton tonight. How about you join us?”

  “Oh, that sounds lovely. I suppose I should be more neighborly, so that when you’re gone, I’ll feel more comfortable going over there if I need something.”

  It’s a good idea, but it feels like a punch in the gut. I don’t want to think about leaving. I’m not ready to deal with that. It’s true though, I will leave eventually. I don’t want to leave Ash, but there’s my work, the ocean… my life.

  My mom leaves me in the den to do my work, and I sit down in the desk chair. My dad, a lawyer, spent a lot of time in here, so he bought a rad, salmon-colored, ergonomically correct chair for himself. It’s super bright and matches nothing, but it makes a statement, and that makes it cool. His den also has walls with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, and they’re filled with so many books that some shelves are double-stacked. There’s everything from books on law, to the various genres of fiction he read, plus biographies, travel memoirs, and golf books.

  I grab my phone to text Ash again. I’m sure it’s fine if Mom comes with me tonight, but I want to let Ash know.

  Me: Hey, it’s me again. Mind if my mom comes with me tonight for pizza?

  Ash: Great idea! I would love to get to know her, and Dad will appreciate the company, too.

  Me: Cool. See ya.

  Ash: Bye

  I take a shower and then dive right into work. It’s been almost a week, and I’ve done very little. I’ve let my partners handle my workload while I worked things out here, but I’m feeling pretty damn good, and I’m ready to set up some client meetings remotely.

  I check my email, and I’m pleased to see another update from LyfeSense. They’re moving ahead and hiring more software developers. Things are progressing, and they’re hopeful they’ll be far enough along to set up a meeting with Apple by first quarter next year.

  Excitement jolts through me. This is significant news!

  My mom and I hop in the car and drive the short distance into town to pick up the pizzas. Overall, my day was agreeable, and I’m getting used to this uplifted feeling I’m experiencing on a regular basis now.

  We ring the doorbell at Ash’s house, and she opens the door. Her radiant smile ratchets up my good mood even more, and I feel a craving run up and down my spine. God, I want to kiss her again so bad.

  “Hi guys,” she says and smiles at us. “Come on in. Mmmmm! The pizza smells delicious!”

  “I opted for the deep dish with garlic salt crusts,” I say, and Ash grins her approval.

  We walk in, and she guides us into the kitchen, where Carleton is filling four glasses with ice water. “Is water OK for everyone? That’s all Ash lets me drink,” he chuckles.

  “What can I say?” Ash replies and shrugs.

  “Water is fine by me. Between that and coffee, it’s all I drink, too,” I say, backing up Ash’s decision.

  “Water is great by me,” my mom adds.

  We sit down to eat, and we decide to play cards after dinner. I know Ash likes playing games with her dad, and it’s a nice thing for my mom to do as well.

  We play UNO, and the time flies by, full of laughs, teasing, and joking. I love when Carleton tells stories about Ash in high school. It gives me a glimpse into her younger life, and I like what I see. She’s an exceptional woman, but that’s nothing new. Still, I enjoy hearing it from her dad how smart, loyal, and amazing she is. I damn near match his beaming pride.

  And every time I look across the table at her, I feel an ache in my core. An ache of need and desire that needs releasing. What am I going to do?

  As we leave, Carleton says to my mom, “Rhonda, you come over for a game of UNO anytime you want. And remember, if there’s anything you need, or any help around the house, you just call. You have our phone numbers.”

  My mom smiles kindly toward him, and I know that means more to her than anything.

  I turn to Ash and say, “I’ll walk my mom home and come back. We can hang out longer if you want.”

  Ash smiles and nods energetically.

  My mom gets her purse from the couch, and I see her and Carleton exchange a glance. Is it that obvious?

  “See you in a few minutes,” Ash says, walking us to the door. My eyes flick to the living room, and see the I Spy Luke spot, with the rug by the window, and I chuckle.

  “What’s so funny?” Ash asks, and my mom looks at me, too.

  “Oh, nothing,” I say, and wink at Ash as I raise my eyebrows and flick my eyes to the spot by the window. Her cheeks turn pink, and I smile as we head out.

  After I take my mom home, I run back over to Ash’s, and she’s waiting on the porch. We sit on the steps, and she’s holding her cat, Honey, in her lap. Our legs are touching, and I like being so close to this woman.

  “That was quite a whirlwind trip. How is it being back already?” she asks.

  “It’s great. I have my office set up in my parents’ den, and I got some work done today. And Blitz has been chill. It hasn’t really been disruptive at all.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.” She smiles warmly. “So, we can go for a run tomorrow?” she asks. She’s not looking at me. I think she might be avoiding making eye contact, like she’s shy, and knows we need to talk.

  About the kiss.

  Let’s get this over with.

  “I guess we should talk,” I say.

  “Yeah, I know,” she says. “I was hoping we could just forget it. The friend kiss.” She stands up and turns around to put Honey inside the house. She comes back and sits down, now turning to face me.

  I start. “Normally, when someone says, ‘we should talk,’ it’s not a good thing.” I laugh and continue. “But I don’t know, Ash. I’m confused. That kiss...” Her eyes widen with her inhale, as she waits for me to finish the thought. “Did you feel what I felt?”

  She waits a heartbeat, and then says, “Nah. I felt nothing, which was a relief. It was no big deal.”

  My eyes widen in shock, and my heart drops. But then she smirks, and I realize she’s teasing me. Fuck, she got me. We laugh, and I’m relieved for the lightness she inject
ed into the conversation, but it doesn’t relieve the ache I have for her in my heart.

  “Luke,” she says, in all seriousness this time, “you don’t live here. I’ve got my dad to take care of. And, heck, we know you’re working through some emotional stuff right now yourself. Your dad just died. And it seems like you’re finally allowing yourself to heal some regarding Jeremy’s death.”

  There.

  She said it.

  Jeremy’s death.

  And those words... they don’t hurt as bad as they have every other time I’ve thought them, or someone else said them. My breathing is calm, and my gut doesn’t knot in pain.

  I take her hands, and she lets me hold them for a minute, but I can feel the tension in her fingertips. I want to relax her, so I turn her palm up and start drawing an infinity sign on it.

  “I know,” I say. “And, well, it wouldn’t be fair of me, for either of us, to pursue something that doesn’t seem like it could go anywhere. We’d both just end up hurt in the end.”

  I don’t know what she was hoping I would say, but despite her acknowledging my words, there’s still a look in her eyes like she’s hurt from rejection. I feel the same way.

  “Yeah. Just friends,” she says and pulls her hands from mine, and some of the breath in my lungs goes with her. “But I’m glad we can still see each other while you’re here. It’s the best thing for us,” she adds. Her words are one thing. Her expression says another.

  I can’t let it go yet, and a smirk plays on my mouth. “That kiss was epic though.”

  “Yeah,” she says, and a dreamy expression blankets her face.

  I stand up and stretch, offering my hand to pull her up. I’m eager to touch her as much as I still can, and that same concentrated electricity that I always feel in her presence shoots through me from head to toe.

  “OK, see you tomorrow at the crack of dawn. I’m gonna bring Blitz, if that’s cool with you.”

  “Absolutely! I can’t wait to meet him.”

  I turn and walk away, and there’s a part of this that feels right, because she’s in my life. But there’s this other part that feels dead wrong, like I should be holding her again and feeling my lips on hers, breathing her breath. It’s like I left a piece of myself on the porch with her.

  I turn around, and she’s watching me walk away, and I wave. Fuck, this is hard.

  17

  Ash

  Relaxation and disappointment spin around me like the stripes on a barber’s pole as I watch him walk away. I’m not sure what to think anymore, because my heart and mind zigzag in confusion every time he’s around.

  I don’t know what I was hoping he would say tonight on the porch. What if he’d suggested we sleep together? It’s not like I would’ve gone along with the idea. And, what, be “friends with benefits”? The throbbing between my legs demands attention, but I know relieving those issues with Luke will burn me.

  Trading one problem for another.

  I can imagine how crazy my head would be, if I allowed us to take it further than just friends. If I think my mind is a shit-storm now, imagine what it would be like if we were to become intimate. I would be a total hair-brained wreck.

  My confidence builds as I process this, acknowledging that it’s true, and knowing I need to keep calm and stay the course. I hold my head up and pull my shoulders back. I turn around and go inside the house.

  Yes, this is the better way. To protect myself.

  My dad is still awake when I go inside the house.

  “Hey darlin’,” he says, as I sit down on the couch next to him. He pats my knee.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  “That was a nice evening,” he says. “I’m glad Rhonda came. It’d be great to have her over for dinner on occasion and play cards, even if you’re not here.”

  “I agree. That would be great for both of you.” I make a mental note to invite her over next week, so we can start a weekly dinner and game night.

  “So?” he says and flashes his eyebrows at me.

  “So what?” I reply, ignoring the eyebrows.

  “Ahem, Luke?” he says again, and his eyebrows dance even more now, like they’re on Dancing with the Stars.

  I’m not biting.

  “What about him?”

  “Oh. So that’s how you want to play it with your ol’ man?” He nudges my leg with his.

  I love my dad, and he knows me so well. All my life, it’s been just the two of us, so there’s no use hiding my emotions.

  But I don’t know what to say about Luke because I don’t even know what to feel myself. Surely, he sees my confusion like it’s stamped on my forehead.

  “What? He’s just ridiculously handsome,” I snort.

  My dad laughs, a hearty guffaw. “I think it’s a little more than ‘he’s just handsome.’”

  “What do you mean?” A blush sweeps across my face.

  “You’re funny, Ash. Let me put it to ya straight. The two of you didn’t take your eyes off each other the entire night. And don’t think Rhonda didn’t see it, too.” He scratches the top of his head. “He seems like a decent fella. Impressive, too. Why don’t you go for it?”

  “He is great, Dad. He’s smart, and handsome, and athletic, and kind, and...” I stop myself. I sound like I’m reading straight from my hearts and sticker-slathered journals from sixth grade.

  “But we’re just friends, and he lives in California.”

  “So?” he asks.

  “What do you mean ‘so?’ I’m not interested in a long-distance relationship.”

  “It’s not like you live that far. Besides, you’ve always wanted to learn to surf.”

  “Dad! I would never dream of leaving Prescott, or you! You need me here. I don’t want to move to California.”

  I don’t know why I’m having this conversation. It’s not like Luke even wants me in that way. Just because we kissed. Correction: Just because we had a heart-melting, toe-curling, epic kiss.

  I shake my head. It meant nothing.

  He holds up his hands, “Honey, you can’t live with me forever.”

  I flinch, and my voice jumps an octave when I say, “What do you mean, Dad? Of course I can!”

  “I mean it, Ash. You can’t live here forever. You’re a grown woman. I would never forgive myself if I knew you were putting your life on hold to take care of me.”

  He stands up. “How many times do I have to tell you, I’m fine? Sure, I get forgetful sometimes, and we had that scare a year ago, and the doctor thought maybe I was headed down a certain road. But after everything we’ve done since then, well, I feel great most of the time. You’re doing an outstanding job of taking care of me, but I can start doing it myself.”

  He sits back down next to me and grabs my hands. “You do too much for me, Ash. You need to start thinking about you.”

  A tear runs down my cheek. “Don’t even go there, Dad. I have no plans to leave anytime soon. Maybe ever! So just deal with it.”

  “Ash, y…”

  I cut him off with my hand. “Dad, I’m not talking about this. I love you, and I’m staying right here. End of conversation.” He just shakes his head and sighs.

  I stand up and walk toward the stairs. I turn around and put a smile on my face, “Hey, let’s go to Sally’s tomorrow morning! I have to work, but you could take my car home, and then come pick me up when I’m done. It’ll be good for you to drive more.”

  “Fine. That sounds great.”

  “Cool. I’ll see you in the morning then. I’m gonna run with Luke first, and when I get back, I’ll wake you u…”

  He interrupts me this time. “Ash. I can wake myself up. You just have to teach me how to use the alarm clock on my phone. In fact, what would you think about teaching me how to use that silly watch and my phone? You know, the different apps and things. It’ll help me start doing more for myself.” He smiles, and then adds, “And by the way, I’ll make dinner tomorrow.”

  My eyes fly wide open. “Dad, you don’t need to
make dinner!”

  “What? Are you too good for cream cheese and carrot sandwiches?” he says with a lopsided grin. He made them for me all the time when I was growing up.

  I laugh. “OK, Dad. It’s a deal. You can start making dinner sometimes.”

  The next morning, we’re at Sally’s café, enjoying coffee, and my dad’s old buddies are there, as expected. He goes off to join them, and I read my book. Well, I try to read… I’ve read the same paragraph three times now. It’s hard to avoid thinking about how sexy Luke was this morning when we ran, but I try anyway.

  Fresh cheesecakes are coming out of the oven, and the whole place smells like delicious, sweet cream cheese. I’m highlighting the names of new supplements in my book I want to order for Dad, when Sally walks over and sits at my table.

  “Sooooo,” she says, tilting her head and narrowing her pretty blue eyes at me. “Tell me about this hot, handsome, beautiful man you’ve been spending time with.” She pretends to fan herself like she’s overheated thinking about him. “I mean, I know who Luke is, of course, but what are you doing spending so much time with him?” she says with a big grin.

  “Talk sure gets around town fast, huh?”

  “No, I’ve seen you two together. It’s obvious there is something going on. And you need a man in your life. Well, I don’t mean you need one. Of course you can live without a man and survive, but who would want to? Besides, he is one handsome devil.”

  “Yes, he’s ‘one handsome devil,’ but we’re just friends.”

  Why do I have to keep telling people this? I shift in my seat and continue, “Anyway, he doesn’t live here, and I’ve got my dad to take care of. Frankly, I’m not interested in a relationship right now. Definitely not a long-distance one.”