Take A Number: A Fake Dating Romantic Comedy

by Amy Daws

  When we’re in the safety of my car, Norah exhales heavily. “Oh my God, my lip is sweating.” She jerks down the visor and eyes herself in the mirror before dabbing at the skin above her lip. “I have disgusting lip sweat.”

  I start the car and pull out of the parking spot. “That’s not normally where I make women wet.”

  “Shut up, Dean,” Norah snaps, pressing her hands to her flushed cheeks. “I just…I lost my mind in there.”

  “You did skip a couple of steps.”

  “I just tongued you in front of my parents and their friends…and Nate!” She bows her head and runs her fingers through her hair. “What was I thinking?”

  “Nate’s a douche.”

  “He’s not a douche,” she bites back crisply. “He was very nice. Nicer than I expected. And oh my God, he looks nothing like what he looked like when we were kids.”

  “You want me to take you back so you can tongue rape him too?” I snap, my tone harsher than I intended, but the idea of her kissing that douche wagon makes my hands tighten around the steering wheel.

  Norah shakes her head dismissively. “No, God. I’m just saying…he wasn’t as bad as I remembered. I don’t remember him being that tall. And he must be taking anabolic steroids because I know he didn’t have those muscles in high school.”

  “Norah, would you please stop talking about your childhood crush right after you just kissed the life out of me?” I want to kiss her again just to make her shut up and forget he was ever there.

  Norah’s head snaps to look at me, but I refuse to look back. Her commentary about Nate Douche Wagon is irritating me for some ridiculous reason. Am I acting like a jealous boyfriend? Jesus, I need to get a fucking grip. This is all a ruse. I know that. But what the fuck was that kiss about? And why the hell are my slacks really fucking tight in the crotch right now?

  “I never had a crush on Nate,” she says softly, and I hear her inhale sharply before she adds, “Did I really kiss the life out of you?”

  I glance over at her, and my body tenses as the blue hue of the dashboard illuminates her features, making her look good enough to fucking eat. I swallow the lump in my throat and shift in my seat. This is going to be a problem.

  “That was…a really good kiss. Even if it was ill-planned. What the hell made you go off script like that?”

  Norah growls and balls her hands into fists on her lap. “She was just being her normal self, and then she accused me of bringing you to spite her, like the idea of you wanting to date me is unbelievable. Ugh! She always does this. She always sees right through me. When I was a kid, she could tell whenever I was lying to her. Her mother’s intuition is completely insane. I think she’s a freaking witch. A demon witch who can read people’s minds.”

  “Norah, take a breath.”

  She does as I say and then crosses her arms over her chest, making it hard to avert my eyes back to the road. “God, I told her you were my boyfriend, and to prove it, I kissed you in front of all those people. I charged you like a bull in front of Nate.”

  “I actually liked that part.”

  “I wasn’t thinking,” she rushes out. “My mother is going to be so pissed at me.”

  “Why would she be pissed at you for kissing your boyfriend?”

  “’Cuz she knows you aren’t real.”

  “She doesn’t know. She thinks she knows.”

  Norah nods thoughtfully, and the car goes quiet for a long moment. When I glance over, I see she’s chewing on her lip and looking dejected. I fucking hate it. Norah is my friend now whether she likes it or not, and I can’t leave her high and dry. We can fix this.

  I exhale heavily and decide to drop an idea that’s been stewing in my mind ever since we started dancing earlier tonight. Actually, this idea occurred to me when she first asked me to be her fake date in the alley, but I wasn’t sure it would work. With tonight’s sudden change of events, it might be our best option.

  “What if we stay together in this fake relationship for a few weeks…pretending obviously…but we do it long enough for you to be my fake date to Kate’s wedding?”

  I glance over to see Norah’s reaction, and she’s staring at me like I’ve spoken in tongues. “Are you being funny?”

  “No,” I reply with a bitter laugh. “Hear me out. You told me you’d owe me one for helping you tonight…well, I need a date for Kate’s wedding, and you need to prove your mother wrong so she stops riding you about Douche Nozzle Nate. So…we stay together. It’s only three weeks…I can totally be your fake boyfriend for that long.”

  The word is foreign and strange on my tongue because I can’t remember the last time I was someone’s boyfriend, let alone dated the same person for three weeks straight. I’ve been doing casual flings for a long damn time now. But hell, being a fake boyfriend can’t be that hard.

  “How do you honestly expect us to pull this off?”

  I shrug. “We tell everyone we’ve been dating in secret because of our business connection, and it’s now become serious. I’ll play the dutiful boyfriend one more time for your parents. We can do dinner or something. I’m pretty sure your dad likes me, though after I slipped you the tongue in front of him, he might like me a bit less, but I can handle him. Otherwise, if I disappear now, your mother will know she was right. But if you double down and we go to Kate’s wedding together, maybe she’ll shut up about this guy and leave you alone.”

  Norah huffs out an incredulous laugh. “What about your social life? Don’t you go out every weekend? Are you going to keep sleeping with other women while we’re in this fake relationship? That would make me look really stupid.”

  I roll my eyes. “I can keep it in my pants for three weeks, sugar lips.”

  Norah gapes at me for a long while, and then finally says, “Why would you do this for me?”

  I exhale heavily to drop her with the real truth. The selfish truth. “So earlier I told you Kate and Lynsey are trying to set me up, right? Well, it’s because they think I’m depressed or that my penis is depressed or some shit. They called it a peen-tervention…which is not a thing.” My neck cramps as my muscles begin to tense with annoyance. “It’s ridiculous and annoying, and Kate thinks I’m going to ruin her wedding if I don’t bring a nice girl—not that I’ve been dating not nice girls…they’ve just been…a little young? It’s all so fucking stupid, and it’s making me question my taste in friends, but the truth is, I don’t want Kate to worry about me on her wedding day. I don’t want her to think about me on her wedding day. I want to look like I’m having the best time ever because, despite the fact I had feelings for her and they weren’t reciprocated, I’m good. I’m over her, for real.”

  “Jesus, Dean, are you nervous right now?” Norah asks, and I hear fucking laughter in her voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you nervous.”

  “I’m not nervous. It’s just, their concern bugs me. Kate deserves to have the perfect day, and if you and I are together, I think that’s about as perfect as I can get. It’ll totally put her mind at ease.”

  The car goes quiet for a while, and I briefly wonder if I sound like I’m pining for Kate. Which, I’m not. But fuck, I don’t like being pitied by my friends. And I had fun with Norah tonight, so being in a fake relationship with her for a few weeks won’t be a hardship. In fact, the thought of being tied to her for a couple of weeks doesn’t even make me feel cagey like it has when other women have brought up the relationship thing. It’s probably because I know it’s going to be a fake arrangement. Definitely.

  And actually, maybe it’ll be the break I need from fooling around with random women to figure out why the fuck I have been so out of whack lately. As much as I hate to admit it, Kate and Lynsey weren’t wrong in that assessment.

  Norah’s quiet voice breaks the silence. “Wouldn’t you feel weird lying to your friends?”

  I shrug dismissively. “It’s not really a lie. I mean, we can even be official on social media. Just because we both know it’s going to end after
Kate’s wedding doesn’t make it any less true.”

  I glance over to see Norah chewing nervously on her lip. “So, does that mean more dates?”

  “Not necessarily,” I reply with a shrug. “I mean, if something comes up, great. We can be there for each other. But I’m guessing our daily lives won’t be impacted from now until Kate’s wedding.”

  Norah clears her throat and tugs at the hem of her dress. “I feel horrible that you’re jumping through all these hoops because I lost my temper and called you my boyfriend.”

  I exhale heavily, still not quite used to the sound of that. “You’re my friend, and this is the kind of shit I do for friends. Hell, I offered to be Lynsey’s baby daddy if Dr. Dick didn’t get his head out of his ass. Faking a relationship with you for three weeks will be nothing compared to almost becoming a father.”

  Norah barks out a nervous laugh, and I look over to see she’s staring straight ahead, shaking her head back and forth in disbelief. “I think I had you pegged wrong, Moser.”

  “Let’s not make this a big, emotional thing. You and I can go steady for a few weeks so you can stick it to your mother. And that Nate Douche Stick guy can go find some other tree to pee on.”

  “Nice,” Norah replies flatly.

  I shrug. “You know what I mean. You wanted to get out of seeing him because he’s clearly the worst, right?”

  “Yeah, but I mean…he wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.”

  I glance at her before returning my eyes to the road, agitation coursing through me at her comment. “Did you miss the part where he called your bakery little? And he barely let you say two words about it before he started going on and on about a fucking CPA firm. Like seriously, who the fuck cares about a place that does taxes for a living? I felt myself slowly dying while listening to him. Your kiss brought me back to life.”

  Norah giggles, clearly pleased with my analogy. “I didn’t think he seemed so bad, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t want a relationship right now.”

  “Right now,” I repeat curiously. Our discussions before made it seem like she never wanted a relationship. Did that fucking smug, D-list Ken doll really turn her head that much?

  “If ever,” Norah adds flippantly. “I don’t know. I drank too much champagne tonight.”

  My eyes narrow as I turn down Pearl Street and approach Norah’s apartment. “Well, think about it. I don’t want you making any decisions before making one of your precious pros and cons sheets.”

  She frowns at me, and I can’t help but smile because I bet that’s exactly what she plans to do tonight after I drop her off.

  I park the car in front of her building, and she turns to face me, her eyes blinking rapidly as she appears to be processing a lot. “Thank you for doing this, Dean. I know it was kind of a mess at the end there, but it was fun for a while, which was…unexpected.”

  I shoot her a wink. “Fun looks good on you, Norah. And hey, we made it out of there alive at least.”

  “Very alive,” Norah adds, a smile growing on her face. “Actually, I feel more alive right now than I have in a very long time.” She smiles sweetly, and suddenly, this feels like a real date, and I get the overwhelming urge to kiss those soft lips again.

  I lift my arm to rest on the seat behind her. “You know, Norah.”

  “Yes?”

  “If you wanted to feel alive again, all you have to do is ask.” I lean in a little closer and waggle my brows suggestively at her.

  “Stop,” she says and gently shoves me away. “The king of too-far strikes again.”

  I hold my hands up in surrender. “You can’t blame me for trying. That kiss awakened my dark passenger.”

  A girlie smile spreads across her face that I seriously want to kiss. This is going to be a problem.

  “Well, it’s late. I should go inside.” She smiles and hesitates for a second before leaning in and kissing me softly on the cheek. Her sweet scent engulfs me, and I want to take a fucking bath in it right then and there. “See you at the bakery on Monday?”

  I nod. “I’ll take a number.”

  She huffs out a soft laugh and says good night while sliding out of the car.

  As she unlocks her building door, I roll down my window and call out, “Just be sure to put paying back Dean in the pro column. I think we’d have fun at that wedding together.”

  “Duly noted.”

  I shoot her a wink. “Sleep well, sugar lips.”

  The look on her face as I drive away isn’t one that looks like she wants to flatten my balls. Not at all. I think Norah likes being called sugar lips. In fact, with the right encouragement, I think she could get used to the sound of it.

  Kate: Bachelorette party this weekend in Aspen is now a couples thing. A suitable date is required. Consider this as a test run for the big day.

  Kate: Have you selected one of our girls yet?

  Me: Go away.

  Kate: DEAN…Lynsey and I know what’s best for you! Submit to our love!

  I pause as I reread the crazy-town texts I received this weekend from Kate while sitting in my favorite booth at Rise and Shine Bakery. I swear to God, Kate must be some sort of evil witch like Norah’s mother because it’s way too coincidental that she’s making changes like this to our Aspen trip right after I offer to be Norah’s fake boyfriend for the next few weeks.

  Speaking of which, I haven’t heard from Norah all weekend, and it’s making me fucking nuts. She kissed me, I offered to go steady with her, and then crickets. I’m not used to this type of delayed gratification. In fact, I jacked off three times this weekend just to release some of the tension. How long does it take to make a fucking pros and cons list?

  If it were up to me, Norah and I would be Facebook official already because the text messages I’m getting from Kate and Lynsey are getting more and more erratic.

  Lynsey: I know Kate is coming on a little strong, but I do really think you’ll like Natasha. Her family is equestrians!

  Me: Horses, Lyns? Seriously?

  How do they know so many single women in Boulder?

  I glance at the clock on my phone. Rachael said Norah had a meeting with Max and would be in around ten. It’s now 10:10. Where the hell is she? If I have to find a different girl to take to Aspen, I’m going to need to get my ass in gear, or I’ll be stuck with one of Kate’s picks. And I wouldn’t touch any of her recommendations with a ten-foot boner.

  “Your friend Kate needs medication,” Max states, jerking my focus away from my phone as he slides into the booth across from me.

  I glance around and deflate when I see there’s still no sign of Norah. “Where did you come from?” I ask, trying to play it cool.

  Max frowns at me. “My office, why?”

  I shake my head, realizing I’m being an obsessive tool. “With Norah?”

  Max’s frown lines deepen. “Yes, how did you know that?”

  “Rachael mentioned it,” I reply and realize I sound fucking nuts because she’s probably just stuck in traffic. I close my laptop and push it aside to give Max my full attention. “What’s going on with Kate?”

  He flattens his palms on the table and exhales heavily. “You knew she booked one of my rental properties in Aspen for this weekend, right?”

  “Yeah, for her bachelorette party.”

  “Yes, well, apparently now she said it’s going to be a joint bachelor and bachelorette party with all couples, so she needs a nicer place.”

  “She mentioned she might do that,” I grumble. “Their bridal parties are kind of unique. Miles is having his best friend, Sam, and his sister, Maggie, stand on his side, and Kate is having me and Lynsey stand on her side.”

  “Do you have to wear a dress?” Max chuckles and winks at me.

  “Not as long as I don’t piss Kate off,” I reply, only halfway kidding. “Everything about this wedding is unique, so I’m not surprised she’s shifting the bachelorette party into a joint thing. Surely, it’s not a big deal, though. You have several properties
in Aspen, right?”

  “It’s apparently a very big deal to Kate because none of my rental properties are good enough, so she asked if she could have my personal property instead.”

  I bark out a laugh. “That sounds like Kate.”

  “She didn’t really ask. She just…told me.”

  I nod slowly.

  “Like I was a child.”

  I press my lips together. “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

  “Yes! Does she have testicles in those yoga pants she’s always wearing?” He rakes his hand over his short blond hair, and his lips puff out with a heavy exhale.

  I have to fight back a laugh. Kate’s pen name is Mercedes Lee Loveletter, and she uses it as her alter ego all the time. It’s amusing to watch people get Loveletter’d. I lean forward and hit him with a knowing look. “She doesn’t need balls, Max. She has a super vagina that writes dirty books and crushes any balls that don’t submit to her.” I sit back and lift my coffee to my lips. “I assume you caved, right?”

  “I don’t think I could say no if I wanted to. Now she’s inviting me and told me to bring a date. Can you believe the nerve? She invited me to my own place this weekend.”

  I laugh at that. “She is a woman who gets what she wants. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there. It’ll be fun.”

  Max takes a sip of his coffee and curls the croinut number I grabbed for him in his hand. “Who are you bringing?”

  “Umm…I’m not sure yet,” I reply awkwardly. Seriously, where the fuck is Norah?

  Max hits me with a terrified look. “Kate said no singles allowed. Couples only. Apparently, she’s writing some swinger erotic novel and wants to use the entire trip as a write-off. She mentioned making us put all our keys in a bowl.”

  “Shut up,” I bark, jerking back. “That’s fucked up, even for Kate.”

  “Yeah, I think she was joking about that part. But she seems dead serious about bringing a date. That girl is scary.”