Take A Number: A Fake Dating Romantic Comedy

by Amy Daws

  I scramble off the pillowy-soft mattress and jump on his back just as he reaches my bag. Before I can stop him, he flips it open, and I die a thousand deaths when the pink object comes into full view for both of us to see.

  “Holy shit,” Dean says, his voice full of awe as he reaches down and picks up my pretty in pink bullet that, hours ago, was stashed safely away in my bathroom drawer.

  I slide off his back and shove his stunned body away from my bag to snatch my vibrator out of his hand. “I’m mortified. Are you happy now?” I turn and tuck it away in a zippered pocket inside my suitcase. Rachael could have at least put it in its matching pink travel bag.

  She is so getting dumpster duty next week.

  Dean stares at me, his bearded jaw dropped as he struggles for words for the first time in his life. “Norah, that was a vibrator.”

  “No shit, Captain Obvious.”

  He runs a hand through his dark hair and hits me with a disbelieving look. “Norah, if you were so hot for an orgasm that you needed to pack a sex toy for the weekend, we seriously need to revisit this no sex policy you have.”

  “I didn’t pack it,” I snap, pushing back my hair and scrubbing my hand over my forehead. “Rachael did because I was working and struggling with what to wear, so she came in and took over because she’s a monstrous human being who will be dead very soon.”

  Dean hits me with a flat look. “Seriously?”

  “Yes! God, I’m not that desperate for an orgasm.”

  “But that is your toy?” he replies, watching me expectantly.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes.” I drop onto the couch and cover my face in humiliation.

  After a moment of silence, the cushion dips beside me, and I can feel Dean’s heat on my side. “I’m going to ask you a serious question, Norah, and I want you to reply honestly.”

  I pull my hands away from my face to look at him, my hands clenching into fists because I’m certain there’s a horrible joke coming my way.

  His eyes rove over my face before he tilts his chin and says, “When was the last time you were properly fucked?”

  My entire body erupts with pins and needles, and I look forward, the heat of my blush rushing to the surface of my skin. “Dean, we are not talking about this.”

  “Why not?” he laughs.

  “Because this is embarrassing.” I cover my cheeks with my hands, and my insides clench with feelings I don’t want to own up to right now.

  He nudges me with his elbow. “It’s not embarrassing. It’s something friends talk about.”

  “You’re on your way to a no-friend zone if you keep pushing me on this.”

  Dean rolls his eyes, not the least bit taken aback by my scathing tone. “It’s been a month for me, which is actually a bit of a dry spell.”

  I huff out an incredulous noise. “It’s been a year for me, so I don’t remotely feel sorry for you.”

  “Jesus Christ, a year?” Dean barks and begins pacing in front of me. He takes his glasses off and pinches the bridge of his nose. “You haven’t been fucked in a year? That’s criminal. It’s wrong! It’s…I mean, look at you.”

  “Oh my God, shut up,” I snap back and stand to face him, crossing my arms over my chest. “I can’t sleep with random people I pick up at a bar. I need to halfway know the person before I can have sex with them. And clearly, I’ve been a little busy with work, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to you.”

  Dean shakes his head like I’m a sad, sick puppy in need of life-saving surgery, and he’s the vet who’s going to give it to me. He steps closer, his hands cupping my arms as he gazes at me. “Look, I was kind of joking in the car before, but now I’m serious, Norah. We need to have sex. We’re both single, and we’re both uninterested in a long-term thing. We’re both using each other for the next few weeks, so why not take it a step further and make the most of this situation? I mean…are you not even remotely attracted to me?”

  I bark out a really un-sexy laugh and shake his hands off me. “Do you know a single woman in all of Colorado who isn’t attracted to you?”

  He licks his lips and crosses his arms over his chest, causing his shirt to tighten around his sculpted arms. “The jury is still out on you. I’ve made my attraction to you very clear for a long time now. But I can’t get a read on you. Are you just uptight or are you genuinely not interested in changing this fake relationship into a friends-with-benefits arrangement?”

  “I’m not uptight,” I volley back, hating how he calls me out every time I don’t fall to my knees and do what he says. “I don’t think it’s wise for us to blur the lines. I have two bakeries to run right now, and my life is only going to get busier once the franchise options open. My mother is breathing down my neck for grandchildren I’ll never give her. My father is making me feel guilty for upsetting her. I don’t have time to pee, let alone have sex.” I point at my suitcase and stomp my foot. “That pink vibrator gets the job done in less time than my twenty-minute croinut recipe, so excuse me for preferring efficiency.”

  Dean’s stunned as he blinks back at me. “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, Norah.”

  My hands ball into tight fists. “Choose your next words carefully, Moser, or you’ll be sleeping outside with the sprinklers tonight.”

  “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” He steps back and lifts his hands up in surrender. “If pinkie in there is all you need, more power to you. I just thought you could use a little more fun in your life.”

  “I have fun,” I mumble and cross my arms over my chest to pout.

  He lifts his brows and offers me a wry smile. “Well, just know the offer is out there. I can accomplish a lot in twenty minutes.”

  He shoots me a dirty wink, and my nostrils flare as I point at the door. “Just get out so I can get ready for the night, please.”

  He laughs and turns to leave while I head into the bathroom for a cold shower. Very, very cold.

  “You guys,” Lynsey slurs, her eyes hooded as she clutches her tropical drink to her chest, and we all sit around the enormous outdoor firepit. “I’m terrified that sex isn’t as good for Josh anymore.”

  “What?” we all coo back soothingly.

  “Why would you say that?” Kate asks, pinning her friend with a serious look that is at complete odds with her drunkenness.

  Lynsey cringes and points at her groin. “A baby came out of here…a big baby.”

  “A beautiful baby,” Maggie trills with her sweet, perky voice. She’s the youngest of this group, and her innocence is kind of adorable.

  “The most beautifulest baby ever.” Lynsey takes another drink. “But…a human being was extracted from that small orifice.”

  “So, what?” Kate slaps her hand on her thigh and leans forward so the fire illuminates her face. “What’s the problem?”

  “The problem is that I’m worried when Josh and I have sex it’s like a hot dog down a hallway down there.”

  Kate erupts into a full-on belly laugh while I glance nervously over to Henley, who’s an outsider like me. We both look around, not sure if we join Kate in the laughter or give sympathetic eyes to Lynsey. It’s a sticky situation.

  The catered dinner on the veranda was beautiful and civilized. We drank wine and chatted about the upcoming wedding and honeymoon Miles and Kate are going on afterward. Lynsey even had Miles fill out this adorable little quiz about Kate that showed how much he knows her. It was really sweet.

  Now we’ve moved to the fancy firepit and downgraded to ice buckets of whatever drinks Kate found in Max’s fridge, and the conversation has taken a turn for the worst if we’re using the phrase “hot dog down a hallway.”

  “Why are you laughing, Kate? I’m being serious!” Lynsey whines, setting her drink down and crossing her arms into a pout.

  Kate attempts to regain control of herself and reaches into the ice bucket for another drink. “Let me ask you a serious question, Lyns.” She cracks a White Claw. “Have you been having G-spot orga
sms with Josh since you had Julianna? Not just clitoral orgasms…but the inside magic tunnel Os.”

  “Yes, those are my favorite,” Lynsey replies back quickly.

  Kate gestures with her can knowingly. “Then there you have it. Women with big vaginas would never have G-spot stimulation…that’s just science. Trust me, I write erotica for a living…I’m basically a doctor of boning.”

  “Can you not say things like that?” Maggie murmurs and sips her beer with a disgusted look on her face that makes me giggle. “You’re marrying my brother, and this is going to give me nightmares.”

  “Do you do Kegels?” Henley asks, breaking the outsider silence pact I thought we had. Up until this moment, the whole evening was feeling like a dinner theater. Now if Henley is going to participate in the conversation, I suppose I should too. Her blue eyes flit toward the fire. “My older sister has had three kids so she’s been doing Kegels for years. She says her sex life is great.”

  Lynsey exhales and nods. “I was doing them for a while, but I quit. I’ll start them back up.”

  “Smart.” Kate taps her temple. “I’ve heard good things about Kegels. I, on the other hand, am really hoping for a C-section situation for our future children so I can keep it all high and tight down yonder. I’m not a fan of cardio, and Kegels seem dangerously close to cardio.”

  “This is the strangest conversation I’ve ever had with you two,” Maggie says, shaking her head as she glances back and forth between Kate and Lynsey. “And that’s coming from someone who heard you two talk about how it doesn’t matter if you shave your crotches because every time a man enters a woman’s vagina, he’s won the lottery.”

  “It’s true!” Kate and Lynsey shout in unison, and it causes all of us to burst out laughing.

  God, these girls are fun. Crazy and completely unfiltered. But fun.

  “So…Norah,” Kate says with a flourish and turns her terrifying eyes to me. “You’ve been quiet this evening.”

  I take a sip of my drink and shrug. “I’m just enjoying the show.”

  “Well, it’s your turn now to spill the tea. You and Dean in a relationship. Gosh, I still can’t believe it.”

  I shrug and offer a weak smile. “He’s a persistent guy.” Which became very evident when he propositioned me for sex again in our room earlier tonight. Thank goodness I never saw him before he left tonight because I have no clue how I’m going to act around him.

  “Have you guys done the nasty yet?” Kate asks, waggling her brows at me.

  “No,” I reply honestly because it’s the first thing that pops into my mind. Seriously, these girls are relentless. I had no idea this weekend was going to be consumed with so much sex talk. I should have seen it coming, though, because this is a bachelorette party for a bride who writes sexy books for a living. I clear my throat and add coolly, “We’re taking it slow.”

  Kate and Lynsey look dumbfounded.

  “Dean Moser is taking it slow with a girl?” Lynsey asks, clearly not buying it. “He must have serious feelings for you.”

  I flush, wondering if I’ve revealed too much, so I decide to hit them with more honesty. “Well, the slow thing is my idea. I’m not really into relationships. No offense to you guys who all seem blissfully happy, but I don’t think I’ll ever get married.”

  “Then you’re a perfect match for Dean.” Lynsey hiccups and then covers her mouth like she said too much.

  “Why do you say that?” I find myself asking.

  She glances at Kate nervously. “Just that…well, his parents weren’t exactly picture-perfect when he was a kid. And he took their divorce really hard.”

  “Interesting,” I reply with a frown. “I got the impression he was glad they split up.” Lynsey and Kate exchange a weird look, and then Maggie’s voice interrupts me before I can pry further.

  “Why don’t you want to get married? Did your parents have a messy divorce too?” Maggie asks, her brows furrowed with genuine interest, not judgment.

  I shrug and sigh heavily because it’s the million-dollar question I get from everybody. “I just worry I’ll have to give up my dreams. My mother was a huge sales rep for Mary Kay cosmetics before she had me. She was one of those ladies who was so successful they gave her a pink Cadillac.”

  “Oh yeah, I’ve seen those. I want one!” Lynsey laughs.

  “Right! It’s amazing. She was a big deal and a top rep nationally. I’ve seen the awards she’s earned tucked away in her closet. It’s impressive and she made women feel good and earned a crazy-amazing living doing it. But once she had me, she gave it all up. I don’t want that for myself. I have big goals for my bakery, and if I get married, I’m scared those goals will change. Marriage almost always leads to babies, and I can’t do what I want to do with a kid.”

  Lynsey leans forward and frowns at me. “Lots of married couples choose to never have kids. And lots of women don’t give up careers for their children. I’m a perfect example of finding a balance…even if I have a wide-set vagina now.”

  Everyone bursts out laughing because she said it so seriously, like she wasn’t trying to be funny, which just makes it that much funnier.

  When we all recover, I hit her with a meaningful look. “I know it’s possible, but gosh, you and Josh are such an amazing partnership. You literally share a medical practice. That’s a unicorn kind of guy you found there.”

  “Max said Dean’s an investor in your franchise, right?” Henley states out of nowhere, turning all of our attention to her. “Isn’t that kind of a partnership?”

  My brows furrow. “Well, he’s really a silent investor.”

  “That sounds even better,” she replies with a bitter laugh. “To find a man who believes in you so fully he doesn’t try to force his opinion on your business. Does it get much more unicorn than that?”

  Everyone goes quiet for a moment as we process the sort of monumental truth Henley just dropped out of nowhere.

  “Dean basically offered to be my baby daddy too,” Lynsey adds with wide, sweet eyes. “When things were weird with Josh and me, he was willing to change his whole life to help me out. He’s a total unicorn.”

  Kate nods. “Yeah, he may be a mountain manwhore, but even under his whorish ways, he’s got magic in the horn of his.”

  Everyone nods in agreement, but my mind wanders back to our talk in the bedroom earlier tonight. I don’t know if it’s the firelight or the wine flowing in my veins, but I’m starting to ask myself why I was resisting Dean’s idea so much? Yes, obviously, I’m busy. But if it’s not a real relationship, how much more time could hooking up occupy? And clearly, Dean is a good guy, so I could do a lot worse as far as casual sex goes. And if there was a chance I could see him naked in that sexy shower, I don’t know if I could live with myself if I didn’t take it.

  My body shivers when I remember what he said. “When was the last time you were properly fucked?”

  Suddenly, Kate raises her glass, and I’m snapped out of my internal reverie. “A toast! To unicorn dicks…may they be much much bigger…than a hot dog.”

  We all laugh heartily, but Lynsey gasps as she squints at her watch. “Oh my God, I lost track of time.”

  “Why does it matter what time it is?” Kate asks, still holding her drink up mid-toast.

  Lynsey smiles and glances toward the house that has a few more lights on than it did before. “I have a surprise for you, Kate, and it’s so very you!”

  “What do you mean?” Kate asks, lowering her drink. “There was nothing else on the itinerary for tonight.”

  Lynsey smiles. “Come inside, ladies. This is going to be fun!”

  “This is a bachelor party. We gotta take this dude to a strip club,” Max slurs at the table we’re all seated around inside the brewery Kate booked a reservation at.

  Miles, Sam, Josh, Max, and I have done three beer flights each and are about five pizzas in and feeling like a million bucks. Onto the next stop.

  I slap my hand on the table. “I’ll hit
the ATM.”

  Miles gets an uncomfortable look on his face. “Do we really have to go?” he asks with his voice rising at the end. “’Cuz if I’m going to be honest, you guys, I hate strip clubs. I always feel awkward ’cuz I don’t know what to do with my hands. You’re not supposed to touch the strippers but they are literally in your lap…so what…I just…hold my hands up like I’m under arrest?”

  “We’ll get you a police stripper,” Max drawls, waggling his eyebrows excitedly. “Or a dominatrix who can tie your hands behind your back.”

  Miles groans and looks over to Sam for a rescue. Sam’s deep voice says, “Why see strippers when my girl is hotter than all of them and will strip for me for free?”

  Miles’s head jerks back in horror, and he leans forward, thrusting his finger in Sam’s face. “Bro, you can’t say stuff like that…we talked about this, remember? I know you’re fucking my sister, but I can’t know you’re fucking my sister. You guys are saving yourselves for marriage in my mind. Scratch that…you’re not even going to have sex when you’re married. If you have a kid, it’s going to be an immaculate conception.”

  Sam bows his head in shame. “Sorry, man. It slipped.”

  “You can’t use the word slipped around me anymore. Everything you say sounds dirty now and I’m going to vomit up all that gross IPA beer that Dean made us drink.”

  “You get used to the hops,” I exclaim and shake my head in frustration. This crew cannot appreciate the delicacies of a good IPA.

  “So, what? We’re just…going back to the house?” Max groans like someone just kicked his puppy.

  “No, we’re going back to your mansion,” Miles corrects, holding his fist out to Max for a bump. “Thanks for hooking us up, by the way. I know Kate is a lot, but fucking hell, I love her.”

  Max smiles. “Someone has to.”

  It’s nearing midnight by the time the chauffeured van pulls up to the house to drop us off. The inside is lit up like a Christmas tree so the girls are clearly still awake. I’m actually kind of nervous to see Norah since I basically propositioned her in our room mere hours ago and we haven’t spoken since.