A Million Thoughts

by Om Swami

  Someone calls you and you don’t take their call because you don’t feel like it. When you call back that person, you can’t say, “I didn’t want to speak to you.” You lie saying that you were either busy or the phone was on silent mode and so on. The other person knows too that you are most probably telling a lie but they don’t want to hear the truth either. Truth would hurt them more.

  In walking the path of meditation, however, liberation comes from the strength that only truth can bestow. It’s a virtue unlike any other. On January 1, 2011, I vowed to never tell a lie again. It’s been one of the most rewarding and most difficult vows because most people around you don’t want to hear the truth, and you can’t always speak the truth because it hurts them. Sometimes, you have to choose whether you want to speak the truth and hurt the other person or wish to keep quiet and bear the brunt.

  Between truth and compassion, I personally choose compassion.

  That is not to say that I would tell a lie but I would rather hurt myself than hurt the other person. You may think it’s unusual but if you reflect on even your own life, you would find innumerable instances where you chose to hurt yourself out of compassion rather than hurting the other person. It’s not uncommon. Most of us do it. When you make a commitment to lead a virtuous life, you see yourself doing it more often. Putting the other person before yourself, that’s what compassion is. Truth on the other hand is putting your principle before the other person. Sometimes that is more important.

  I once read a quote that said, “Some people are so brutally honest that it almost seems they enjoy more being brutal than being truthful.” Being truthful doesn’t mean that you have to be brutal. Buddha was known for speaking the truth. He put forward six profound conditions that should be evaluated to determine the right time of breaking the truth to someone assuming it should be spoken at all.

  Once, Prince Abhaya asked Buddha if he ever spoke harsh and disagreeable words. At first, Buddha said there was no categorical yes or no answer. However, when pressed by Abhaya, the Venerable One, referring to himself in third person as Tathagata (the one gone beyond) spoke:

  In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be un-factual, untrue, unbeneficial (or: not connected with the goal), un- endearing and disagreeable to others, he does not say them.

  In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, un-endearing and disagreeable to others, he does not say them.

  In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, but un-endearing and disagreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them.

  In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be un- factual, untrue, unbeneficial, but endearing and agreeable to others, he does not say them.

  In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, but endearing and agreeable to others, he does not say them.

  In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, and endearing and agreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them. Why is that? Because the Tathagata has compassion for living beings.39

  It’s hard to find a better and clearer teaching on truth. If our words are true, factual, beneficial but not endearing or agreeable, we should think a million times before stating such truth as it’s unlikely to accomplish anything at all. It’ll hurt the other person and won’t benefit them in any way.

  Imagine you are a coach and your student is about to run the 100-meter sprint in Olympics. Just when the shot is fired, you start telling your student the truth about how good she is and how you are certain she’ll win and so on. Those words may be true, factual, beneficial, endearing and agreeable but it’s not the right time. It’ll distract her, and keep her from winning the race. Sometimes, you have to tell the truth even if it’s not endearing and agreeable (which is often the case). Even at that time, one must consider the time and place. Your child accompanies you to a birthday party where you see some other kid who scored really well in his exams. If you start lecturing your child in that moment, asking him to take inspiration from this other person, it would fall on deaf ears and do more damage than good.

  In that context, truth is not absolute. The nature of truth changes according to circumstances and time. You draw three lines a, b, and c. The line a is the tallest one, it’s the truth. Someone comes along and draws a fourth line, d, making it even taller than a. A statement that was perfectly correct and true before d was drawn is no longer true or factual. The point I’m arriving at is that it’s pivotal to examine the nature of your truth you are about to state. If it’s just a matter of opinion, you may want to hold on until you are absolutely certain that what you are stating is a fact and not your interpretation of a fact.

  When Jesus was asked if he was the king of the Jews, he could have negated and his life would have been spared, but he chose to speak the truth. Next only to compassion, truth is the most potent quality of a true saint, a noble human being. Next time you are tempted to tell a lie, just pause for a moment, reflect on it and choose your words carefully. It’ll go a long way in ensuring that your speech, thoughts and actions are in harmony.

  All said and done, truth in speech, thoughts and conduct is the most potent way to flood yourself with immense inner strength. Meditation will become a child’s play then. For a truthful person is always calmer and less distracted. When you lead a life of truth, you have very little to be afraid of. It is also the most expensive virtue because the world does not take too kindly when they are told the truth.

  Gratitude

  The singular most powerful emotion to set everything right in one’s life, no matter what the circumstances maybe, is gratitude. The practice of gratitude helps you to focus on the light in your life rather than worrying about the darkness.

  Some eight years ago, before I renounced, there was a cold wave in North India. Several incidents of homeless people dying from the cold were reported. My father asked and inspired me to do my two cents worth. Consequently, a senior manager in my company, who was also a close friend of mine, and I decided to distribute blankets to the needy. We did not want to just give them away to some organization. Instead, we wanted to ensure that they directly went to the hands of those in need. We bought about fifteen dozen blankets. We had an SUV that could stock more than 70 blankets at a time. My friend, his sister, our driver and I got in the vehicle at midnight. We started driving around the high streets of a major city, an industrial town.

  The outside temperature was a chilly three degrees centigrade.

  The street lights had a thick foggy halo around them. The roads were deserted, even the stray dogs and the cows were in hiding. It was all painfully quiet and cold. As we drove around, we saw there were homeless people lying on the footpaths at different places. Some had wrapped themselves in jute bags, some in flattened cardboard boxes, quite a few were draped in newspapers. Among these were the aged, the young, men and women, children, toddlers and infants. Not even one person was sleeping with their legs fully stretched, all were lying curled up to conserve body heat. In the car the heating was on, we felt guilty for enjoying this little luxury. I had seen things like that earlier, it was the first time however that I paid close attention.

  We stepped out of the car and woke some people up to give them new blankets. Some were ecstatic, some cried, some thought we were the police who came to remove them from sleeping at a public place, some thought it was a joke. A few were drunk and could not get up, some wanted more than one blanket. No one asked us for money or other things. They seemed very contented to get a blanket.

  Their clothes were soiled and tattered, their hair unruly and mostly matted, their bodies dark and smudged in dirt, years of suffering and sweat had permanently settled on their bodies, but, their eyes had an expression of peace and acceptance. Further, they all bore smiles of gratitude and contentment as they got their blankets. Some im
mediately unwrapped the blanket and donned it. It was gratifying beyond words to see them do so. Some made it their pillow; they either did not want to use it right away because it was new or perhaps intended to sell it in the grey market the following day. That was beside the point. We did our karma, we thought.

  There was one particular scene beyond bear. Some people came running towards our car as they saw from a distance that we were giving blankets. In that group was a girl, she was physically handicapped. She tried to rush like the rest fearing the car might leave or we might run out of blankets. While she was trying to run, she stumbled and fell down. We almost cried seeing her state. As she got up and came closer, we realized she was mentally challenged as well. We could not endure the scene. We did our part and quickly got going. I never went out again to distribute blankets. I did not have the heart to see such suffering. My friend and his sister gave away the remaining on another night.

  We came home and as I lay my head on the pillow, snuggled up in my quilt, I was looking up at the roof. My room was furnished, it was heated and had an attached washroom – everything to make it comfortable. It all seemed like a dream. “Wow! I have a roof over my head,” I thought. “What good karma must have I done to deserve this.” Those people kept flashing in front of my eyes. I could not help but wonder that not having a roof over your head was one thing but what about all the other needs? Where did they go to attend the nature’s call? They had no place to cook, nowhere to store their utensils or stove, no place to even keep the blankets in fact, they had no place to wash their clothes. Where would they generally go to get drinking water? Did they brush their teeth, or could they even afford to do that? They had no place called home. There was no where they could go after a tiring day. These and a million other questions boggled and tired my mind out.

  I thought about how little we need to be grateful. I thought about how gratitude is not dependent on the magnitude of materiality, it is not dependent on what all you must have. Gratitude is simply a state of mind, an expression of the heart, a commitment to tolerance, a resolution to be happy, a feeling of peace, a sense of contentment, an emotion of fulfilment.

  If you believe that in order to be grateful you must have certain things in your life, you will always find it hard to be thankful, because no matter how much you may have, there will still be just as much more you will want to have. Work towards what gives you joy but be grateful for all that you have.

  When you are grateful, an invisible blanket of peace covers you, it makes you glow, it makes you happy, strong, warm. Gratitude puts mind at ease about everything around. Gratitude is not about just about being thankful to God.

  Here are the two types of gratitude:

  Being Grateful to God

  Some people are grateful to God, to the Supreme Soul, to someone they feel is up there. It can give them a huge psychological boost, help them survive difficult phases in life, give them the motivation to stay course among numerous other benefits. Those who believe in the existence of God, regardless of the religion they follow, have someone they can be grateful to. Even daily prayer is a form of gratitude. Being grateful to God is not complete gratitude, though. Imagine being thankful to the mother who is never careless, indifferent or irresponsible towards her children. It is of little use. Far more important than being grateful to God is to be grateful to his children, his creation. This leads to the gratitude of the second type.

  Being Grateful to Others

  Love and gratitude are soulmates; happiness and harmony are their offspring. It is not possible to be grateful unless you accept that someone has done something for you. If you feel, out of ego or ignorance, that it was your right, you will fail to feel grateful. Consequently, you will not experience any happiness, much less peace and bliss. Any relationship with gratitude present in it is bound to flourish. Gratitude is not always about grand gestures, it may range from a sincere thank you to an act of extraordinary compassion.

  The important thing to remember is that you must consciously express your gratitude without any expectations for reciprocation; it is hard but doable. True gratitude makes one generous, compassionate and infinitely loving.

  Practice of gratitude lends incredible emotional strength. If you are emotionally strong, you can succeed at anything, anything at all. Gratitude makes you emotionally pure and such purity in turn allows you to love unconditionally.

  Absence of anything dictates the value of its presence.

  When we express gratitude, when we feel it in our hearts, it helps us value what all we have in our lives. And that is a divine start to a good life.

  Empathy

  Don’t just do something, stand there – this is the basis of empathy. Normally, we do the opposite, we feel tempted to do something and not just stand there. But empathy is about just being there. It is the art of easing the pain of the other person by just being there for them in the most non-judgmental manner. Often we are tempted to give unsolicited advice or tell the other person to be strong when they share their grief with us. That won’t heal the other person. In fact, they may think that you don’t understand them. Empathy is about being a good listener.

  In a small village, a farmer puts up a ‘Puppies for Sale’ sign outside his house. On a Sunday morning, a little boy knocked on his door.

  “How much are they?” the young visitor said. “I want to buy one of your puppies.”

  “They range between 100–1000 rupees.”

  “Please, can I at least see them for a while for this much?” And, he pulled out a ten-rupee note.

  The farmer thought for a moment and said, “That’s alright.

  There’s no charge for seeing them.”

  He opened the door of the doghouse and called out to a dog. Out came a female dog followed by six little puppies nearly rolling down the ramp like balls of fur. They were trying to match the strides of the mother. They quickly made their way to the fence while another puppy, noticeably smaller and slower, emerged from the shelter and limped his way to his mother.

  “Can I buy that one, sir?” The boy pointed at the hobbling puppy. “I promise to pay you ten rupees every month for the next 10 months.”

  The farmer knelt down at his side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. Unlike the other dogs, he will never be able to run and play with you.”

  “This is the puppy I want, sir.” The little boy stepped back a little and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. A steel brace, attached to a custom shoe, ran down both sides of his leg. “Actually, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”

  Nature has bestowed upon us an extraordinary emotion, empathy. It is the seed of compassion. Simply put, empathy is a genuine effort to see the world from the perspective of the other person. It is to step into their shoes to see where exactly it hurts. Empathy requires that we empty our mind and listen to the other person with our whole being. No understanding is possible unless we take in all that the other person is trying to tell us.

  In his book on non-violent communication, Marshall Rosenberg cites a beautiful poem Words are Windows or They’re Walls by Ruth Bebermeyer:

  I feel so sentenced by your words,

  I feel so judged and sent away,

  Before I go I’ve got to know,

  Is that what you mean to say?

  Before I rise to my defense,

  Before I speak in hurt or fear,

  Before I build that wall of words,

  Tell me, did I really hear?

  Words are windows, or they’re walls,

  They sentence us, or set us free.

  When I speak and when I hear,

  Let the love light shine through me.

  There are things I need to say,

  Things that mean so much to me,

  If my words don’t make me clear,

  Will you help me to be free?

/>   If I seemed to put you down,

  If you felt I didn’t care,

  Try to listen through my words,

  To the feelings that we share.42

  When you wish to empathize with someone, just listen. When you do that and do so sincerely, they’ll start making perfect sense to you a while later. You’ll begin to understand their challenges and barriers, their aches and pains. Most of us have automatic response to most things in life. But, with mindfulness, you can pick and choose your emotions. When you dislike something, you can choose from anger, repulsion, empathy, compassion, indifference or any one of the 27 other potential emotions experienced by us. When you continue to practice a certain emotion as a conscious choice, it soon becomes your second nature. It is the reason why some people can be eternally angry or always selfish or mostly arrogant, and why some people are often kind, compassionate or considerate. At some point in time, they had chosen these emotional responses over others and they’d done so repeatedly until it was instilled in their DNA.

  A young priest had never heard confessions before and he was a bit nervous.

  “It’s okay,” said the bishop who had been mentoring him, “I’ll sit in quietly and observe you. Just go with the flow.”

  After hearing many confessions, the young one asked his mentor if he had done it right. The bishop said that much was lacking. He agreed to do a demonstration. This time the bishop heard the confessions while the young priest sat quietly observing. After everyone was done, the bishop said to the priest, “Now don’t you think that saying ‘uh-oh’, ‘I see’, ‘please continue’, ‘it’s okay my child’, ‘carry on’ is better than slapping your knee and saying ‘cool, what happened next!’”

  Empathy is about listening quietly so you may gauge the extent of the other person’s grief. Telling them to be strong or that they are overreacting is the worst form of empathy. In fact, even worse is when we say something like, “That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me the other day.”