“I don’t want to have hormone-induced sex with you. If we both decide the time is right, I want to make love to you. There’s a big difference to me. Do you understand?”
Lynette didn’t understand. Her experiences had been kissing led to bed, led to heartache. End of story. A small twinge of hope began to soften the hardened walls protecting her heart.
Lynette tossed and turned in bed when she got home. Starr never left her side even when she rolled over, and more than once she’d sat up and looked at the window like she’d heard something. But then she’d lain down again, allowing Lynette’s pulse to return to normal. Her thoughts raced between Ruth possibly looking for her and Barb’s declaration that she didn’t want to have sex with her. She didn’t think it was a good idea because she felt it was leading Barb on, but she thought she’d at least want to.
She woke to her alarm and took a hot shower and dressed quickly, anxious to talk to Barb. She checked the area around her carport before getting into her car and took note of any cars following her on the way to the hotel.
“Good morning.” Barb looked relaxed and sexy in black jeans and a T-shirt with a picture of the Cave of the Mounds on the front. She took her omelet to her table with a coffee.
Lynette quit stealing glances at her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. She planned to talk to her after breakfast about the previous night. She’d lain awake for hours trying to figure out what she was missing. Why didn’t Barb want to go to bed with her? There was something she’d misunderstood. She remembered the meeting her group had devoted to relationships. Many of the members had married outsiders after escaping their cult, and it was difficult for them to separate who they had been in the cult from who they were as a free person. She could relate to that with Donna. It had been too soon for her to try to share who she was with someone. She’d needed time to figure out who that was. Was she there yet? She pushed aside any more heavy thoughts and concentrated on making omelets.
“I have a piece of cake for each of us,” Claudia whispered in Lynette’s ear. “Meet me at Barb’s table in five minutes.” She left as quickly as she arrived. So much for a private talk with Barb. She cleaned the area, poured herself a cup of coffee, and went to check out the cake. “I thought we left the cake with Aunt Jen.” She pulled a chair from another table to sit.
“I wanted to, but Jen insisted I take back three pieces for us today. I told her we’d celebrate her birthday again for her.”
Lynette relaxed and enjoyed the conversation, which mainly revolved around the visit to her aunt’s. Claudia finally left to go back to the kitchen.
“Feel like a few minutes on my balcony?” Barb asked.
Lynette stood and followed Barb out.
“Coffee? Or hot chocolate?” Barb asked when they arrived.
“Neither, thanks. I’m full.” Lynette watched the river below and the people walking past, oblivious of being watched from on high. “I need to ask you something about what you said last night.” She turned to face Barb. “Why don’t you want to have sex with me?”
Barb tipped her head and looked at her long enough that Lynette thought she wouldn’t answer. “I’m trying to figure out what you’re asking. I’d have to be straight and stupid to not want to have sex with you. You’re a beautiful, sexy, intelligent, strong woman. You’ve been hurt in the past, and I understand why you’re hesitant to get involved again.” She looked at her watch. “Do you have time to get into this now?”
“Yes. I need to figure this out.”
“Okay. Come on.” Barb tugged her to the bed.
“Wait. What are we doing?” Lynette pulled away.
“We can sit outside if you want, but I wanted to hold you when we talk.”
Lynette sat on the edge of the bed while Barb got extra pillows from the closet.
“There. Now we can be comfortable, and I can hold your hand. If that’s all right with you.”
Lynette settled on the bed propped up by the extra pillows. It was pretty comfy with Barb close to her, but she clasped her hands in her lap.
Barb began talking. “I dated a woman during college, and she was the first one I ever slept with. Okay, had sex with. It confirmed my sexual orientation for me, but our relationship didn’t last. After I graduated from the conservation officer academy, I met Ann. We had a long-term relationship, and she’s the only woman I’ve ever had a loving relationship with. It ended because she got tired of the hours I had to spend on my job. I’ve dated a few other women since, but never felt the emotional connection it takes for me to be that vulnerable again. I need more feelings involved than only attraction to be able to jump into bed with someone. Does that answer your question? Believe me, it’s not that I don’t think about you in the middle of the night.”
“I think of you, too.” Lynette spoke barely above a whisper. She didn’t know what it meant other than she wanted Barb. Her minimal experience told her she wanted to have sex with her. Could it mean she wanted something more substantial? Something more permanent? The thought scared her, but she trusted Barb to be honest with her. “Would you hold me now?”
Barb gathered her in her arms and drew her close.
Chapter 29
The day had been sunny and warm, so Barb wasn’t surprised at the mild evening temperature. She stood by the river with her camera and attempted to capture the sparkles of the late-day sun on the water. She would have enjoyed having Lynette’s company on her outing, but she’d left for the day after dinner. Barb feared she’d scared her away by explaining her feelings about intimacy. She sighed. Lynette was definitely special to her, and she wanted to spend more time with her. Things were quiet at home when she talked to her chief earlier, and he had assured her she could have another week off. Would one more week be enough time with Lynette? It was strange to be dreading the trip home. She headed back to her room to do some reading before bed.
The knock on the door startled her, and her first thought was of Lynette, but Claudia stood at her door smiling and holding a plate of cookies. “Hi. Would you be my taste tester?”
Barb ushered her into the room. “They smell great. A cup of coffee to go with them?”
“Decaf, please.” Claudia took the plate to the balcony. “Wow. I see why Lynette talks so much about this view.”
Barb set their coffees on the table and joined Claudia at the railing. “Yeah. I’m glad I chose this room. This is a nice surprise.” She reached for a cookie.
“Lynette went to a meeting tonight, so… Oh dear. She did tell you about her meetings, didn’t she?” Claudia looked concerned.
“Yes, she did. No worries.”
Claudia let out a small sigh of relief. “She left a little early today, and I think these turned out great, but I wanted another opinion.”
“They’re excellent. You’re extremely talented, you know.”
“Thanks. I love cooking. Anyway, I wanted to tell you something.” Claudia seemed to be collecting her thoughts before she continued. “When Lynette started working with me, I thought she was weird. She was nice enough but had few social skills. I liked her but felt her pushing me away.” Claudia took a bite of cookie before continuing. “It took a while, but we became close friends. She told me about the cult and her previous lovers. She was like a kid discovering a new world, and I became protective of her.”
“I know she considers you a good friend. I imagine it took time for her to trust you.”
“Oh yes, and I would never do anything to jeopardize that trust. So, with that in mind, I’d like to know what your intentions are with her.”
Barb smiled slightly at the old fashioned phrasing. “I have no intentions, Claudia. I like her a lot, but I would never take advantage of her or push her into anything she didn’t want. I’ll be going home in a week or so, and it’s tough to keep up a long-distance relationship. I’m taking things a day at a time, just like she told me she does. We talked this morning, and I’m worried I might have scared her away.”
“Hm
m. You didn’t have sex, did you?”
“No. No sex.”
“Once Lynette became more comfortable with me, we talked about our sexuality and the fact we were both lesbians. She surprised me by automatically expecting us to have sex. To her, that’s what being a lesbian meant. What love means, too. She told me stories of the abuse that went on in the cult. I’m talking statutory rape. Fifteen-year-olds having babies, but thankfully she wasn’t one of them.”
“Now I understand. It’s what we talked about today. She couldn’t figure out, the way she put it, why I didn’t want to have sex with her. And it’s not that I don’t want to, but there are bigger things at stake. It’s way more complicated than a simple vacation tryst, you know?”
“I know she cares about you, but she’s unsure how to proceed. I remember you’re all about strings, but I’m here to let you know you’d be in big trouble with me if you hurt her.”
“Duly noted.” Barb grinned. She had no intention of hurting Lynette but hoped she could protect herself, too. “Believe me when I say I’m thinking everything through.”
“I guess I’ll head home. Thanks for helping me test the cookies. There’ll be a few extra for you and Lynette tomorrow.” Claudia stood and hugged her good-bye.
Barb finished her cookie while she watched the sunset. What on earth was she going to do?
She spent an hour reading before shutting off the light and going to sleep.
The dining area was full by the time Barb arrived for breakfast. She’d slept past her usual time without regrets. The dream involved her and Lynette making love on a sailboat in the middle of a calm lake, their naked bodies warmed by the sun. It was no wonder she wanted to linger in the afterglow. She sat at the only available table in the corner.
“Good morning.” Lynette’s smile eased the tension in her gut.
“Good morning.” Barb didn’t want to take her omelet and leave, but she didn’t want to invade Lynette’s privacy by asking about her meeting. “Claudia has cookies for us. Want to share on my balcony after breakfast?” Barb asked.
“I’ll be there.” Another smile helped ease Barb’s uneasiness. Things would be okay. She ate her omelet glancing at Lynette, catching her eye several times. She finished her coffee and took a brisk walk outside on her way to her room. She’d only waited half an hour when she heard the knock at the door.
“Glad you made it.” Barb took Lynette’s hand and guided her into the room. She surprised her by moving into her arms and kissing her quickly. Barb wanted more kisses, but that was for Lynette to give.
Lynette took her hand and walked to the balcony. “Yum. Claudia’s cookies.” She grabbed one and took a bite.
“Yep.” Barb copied her by picking up a cookie and taking a bite. “Do you want a cup of coffee to go with it?”
“I’m coffee’d out, I think. But thanks.”
“Are you doing okay after our talk yesterday morning?”
“I am. I can’t say I’ve figured myself out yet, but I think I’m making progress. I’m sorry if I sort of melted. I’m not used to dealing with feelings, but what I know for sure is I like you, and I like how I feel when I’m with you. That’s new for me because I think I’m learning how to feel the important things.”
“I sure don’t have all the answers, but I know you are the most interesting, sexy, beautiful woman I’ve ever met, and I want to get to know you and get as close to you as you’ll allow me to.”
“How much longer are you going to be here? It’s been three weeks, hasn’t it?”
“I’m going to take another week. I wouldn’t mind doing the cave tour again.”
“I’d like that, too.”
“I don’t mean to be nosy, but did you talk to your aunt about who called looking for you?”
“No. It was her birthday celebration, and I didn’t want to make it about anything else. I’ll ask her the next time I talk to her. Aunt Jen has lived in her house for forty years. She refuses to move, and she shouldn’t have to, but my mother, if she’s still alive, knows where she lives. It worries me sometimes.” She shook her head and set the half-eaten cookie down. “Lately I’m jumping at shadows, convinced there’s someone watching me. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t seem to help it.”
“What if your mom isn’t dead? Would she try to contact you?”
“I can’t imagine why,” Lynette said. “She didn’t give two hoots about me then. I doubt she’d want me now. I think Aunt Jen would have recognized her voice, if she’d called. I do worry if she’s still alive that she may have given my aunt’s number to someone. Maybe Ruth.” Lynette rested her head in her hands and took a deep breath.
Barb wound her arm around her in support and didn’t ask more questions, but whatever happened between them, she vowed to find a way to help Lynette if she needed it.
Chapter 30
Lynette couldn’t get the caller out of her mind. She’d spent so many years putting her life in the cult behind her and trying not to dwell on it that she had a hard time remembering if she’d told anyone about her aunt. A female voice, her aunt had said. Her rambling thoughts were giving her a headache.
She rinsed dishes and pans and loaded the dishwasher trying to keep her mind from wandering to Barb and their morning talk. It made her realize she still had a lot to learn about relationships, and how much she wanted to. She concentrated on her job. She’d figure out her love life later. That thought reminded her that Barb’s three weeks would be up soon. Did she extend her vacation for her? She tossed that thought away and started the dishwasher.
“Hi there,” Claudia said.
“Hey, Claudia. Thanks for the cookies. They were awesome.”
“You’re welcome. Tonight will be boring pumpkin muffins.”
Lynette chuckled. “I’ve got all the pans ready to be filled.”
“Cool. We should be in good shape.” Claudia went to the kitchen to get the dinner menu finished.
Lynette walked through the dining area, using her need to check the tables as an excuse to look for Barb. She found her at her usual table smiling at her. She carried her cleaning towel and spray bottle to her table.
“Hi there. Do you have time for dessert on the balcony tonight?” Barb asked.
“Would you like to bring it to my place? Starr would love to see you.”
“Sounds perfect. I’ll follow you home when you get off work.”
Lynette was still grinning when she went to the kitchen.
“Barb doing well?” Claudia asked.
“She is. We’re going to enjoy those boring pumpkin muffins later, at my place.”
Lynette filled food pans and kept an eye on them as they emptied. She couldn’t remember ever seeing so many guests for dinner. She supposed it would only get worse as summer continued. She made note of the groups at the tables and kept an eye on the single individuals. Just because it was a female who’d called her aunt didn’t mean that was who might show up. She took a deep breath to calm her fluttering gut and reminded herself she was safe in the middle of a busy hotel dining area. And Barb was only a few feet away.
The busy dinnertime kept her mind off the fact she’d invited Barb to her home and had no idea why. She wanted to get closer to her, but how close she wasn’t sure. She recognized a shift in her comfort level with Barb. She fought a losing battle against eagerness to let her past her defenses. She finished loading the dishwasher and made a final pass through the dining area before getting her purse and going to look for Barb.
“Ready?” she asked when Barb stepped next to her in the doorway.
“Yep.” Barb grinned and Lynette’s anxiety eased.
She couldn’t keep from checking the area before locking the car doors before starting the car.
Lynette pulled into her carport with Barb behind her. Starr wiggled her whole body when she saw Barb. “It looks like you made an impression on Starr.”
The dog raced past them to her potty place and raced back by the time they were in the kitchen
.
“That’s important to me,” Lynette said. “Starr’s a much better judge of character than I am.”
Lynette set the muffins on the kitchen table and filled Starr’s food bowl. “Hot chocolate with the muffins?” She put two cups of water in the microwave. She was reaching in the cupboard for the hot chocolate when Barb stepped behind her and slipped her arms around her waist.
“Thank you for inviting me over. This is cozier than my balcony.” She squeezed gently and stepped away.
Lynette caught her breath and turned to face Barb when she spoke. “But the balcony has a better view.”
“I don’t think so.” Barb held her gaze. “I like this one a lot.”
Lynette leaned toward her, certain of Barb’s kiss and wanting it desperately, but Barb stepped back and sat at the kitchen table. She swallowed hard and retrieved the cups of hot chocolate, trying not to feel rejected. “Let’s sit in the living room. It’s more comfortable.”
Barb laughed when Starr settled between them on the couch. “She’s special.” Barb scratched behind her ear and smiled when she pushed against her hand.
“Oh, yeah. You’ve made a friend for life,” Lynette said. She didn’t want to move Starr, but she would’ve preferred to be the one being touched by Barb. She rested her hand on Starr’s back and felt the calmness it brought.
Lynette slid closer to Barb and rested her feet on the coffee table. “That’s better.”
Barb set her cup down, copied her position, and rested her arm over her shoulders. “This is even better.”
Lynette leaned into her and Barb tightened her hold. She set her cup next to Barb’s and turned in her arms. If Barb didn’t kiss her this time, she planned to take control and make it happen. She respected Barb’s desire for no sex and decided she wasn’t ready either, but her body and soul screamed for more of her kisses. She didn’t have to wait long.
Barb parted her lips slightly and pressed her lips to Lynette’s. Lynette’s body burned with desire, and thoughts of restraint fled. She wound her arms around her waist and lost herself in Barb. Her firm, warm lips held a slight taste of hot chocolate, and Lynette’s heart pounded and her center pulsed with need. She leaned on Barb, forcing her to her back underneath her on the couch. Barb’s quiet whimpers might have been words of pause or consent. Lynette hesitated for a moment to catch her breath, and Barb sat and turned to a seated position with Lynette straddling her lap. Lynette’s desire smoldered. She leaned her forehead against Barb’s.
Love's Truth Page 13
