Honeymoon for One

by MacIntosh, Portia

‘Amazing,’ Freddie tells her. ‘This one is just something else.’

  As he squeezes me I feel emboldened.

  ‘It’s just a shame we’re not doing any of the activities we fancied doing,’ I say. ‘We just seem to struggle to leave the villa.’

  ‘Us too,’ Daniel quickly adds. ‘We had to make ourselves come here today. If you hadn’t given up your seat, we would’ve gone back to bed.’

  Ha! I find that hard to believe. Daniel Tyler isn’t exactly Mr Boombastic in the bedroom.

  I would never have said our sex life was up to much, but I thought that was just something that came with settling down. If you sleep with the same person for long enough, you’re bound to get into a bit of a rut, right? But who cares? I’d rather be happy with someone I love than sexually satisfied by someone who is otherwise a terrible person, who I don’t feel anything else for.

  We just never had a spark in that respect – perhaps he does with Eva? Although I seriously doubt his lack of staying power and inability to light the fireworks is anything to do with me specifically… I don’t think… I don’t know if it’s preferable, that the sex drove him elsewhere, otherwise it’s a problem with me – how I look or, worse, my personality. I never professed to be a porn star, but I do like to think I’m a good person.

  ‘Oi,’ Ali says to me, yanking me from my thoughts – it’s as if she knows! ‘Fancy a double-date later?’

  ‘Yes,’ Eva squeaks.

  ‘Not you two,’ she replies. ‘Freddie, Lila, me and my bloke. Double. What would a date with five people look like?’

  ‘I’m sure you’d know,’ I tease.

  Ali wiggles her eyebrows.

  ‘Ciao, bonjour, hola, hello,’ a man says. He’s a twenty-something guy, with olive skin and dark hair, the ends of which are frosted. It reminds me of when I was at school, and a bunch of the boys tried Sun-In spray, to give them that boy-band look all the girls were on the hunt for. He’s wearing a bright red San Valentino T-shirt, as is the tall blonde woman next to him.

  ‘Hey,’ she addresses us, revealing an American accent. I feel Freddie squirm awkwardly, but she doesn’t seem to recognise him – I don’t mean recognise him because they went to the same school, I realise America is a big place, but she could be a fan. Her gaze does linger over him, for maybe a split second longer than it does with everyone else, but that could just be because he’s so beautiful, so easy to admire. With his messy hair and his sunglasses, he still looks like someone… it’s just not always easy to tell who.

  ‘I’m Matteo, this is Zoey,’ the man starts, enthusiasm surging through his veins, causing his limbs to flail around in all directions. ‘And it’s our job to make sure you guys have a good time.’

  Eva shuffles excitedly in her seat but the rest of us are otherwise indifferent. We didn’t come here expecting Disney World, with Mickey and Minnie entertaining us throughout our stay. Like most people, I imagine, we came here to relax.

  ‘You guys have come at a very special time,’ Zoey says. ‘Tonight is the start of our Mr & Mrs Valentine.’

  ‘Mr & Mrs Valentine?’ Ali says, practically spitting the word back at her. Ali has absolutely zero time for corny stuff. ‘Like the naff TV show?’

  ‘Yes,’ Matteo continues, his enthusiasm not waning, not even for a second. I’m not entirely convinced he’s heard of the show from his reaction, but he seems excited. ‘It’s our job to find couples to take part. You guys want to play some games and maybe win some prizes?’

  We don’t all rush at once.

  ‘Prizes?’ Ali prompts.

  ‘Yes,’ he replies. ‘Surprise prizes.’

  ‘Hard pass,’ Ali says, as she pours the remainder of a bag of crisps into her mouth. ‘Surprise prizes are probably not worth it.’

  Matteo and Zoey stare at us expectantly.

  ‘What kind of games?’ Eva asks.

  ‘Fun games,’ Matteo replies.

  ‘Some rounds are about how well you work together as a couple, doing physical tasks. Others are based on how well you know each other – it really is a lot of fun. It’s a big event – not everyone wants to take part, given that it takes place with an audience, but everyone loves to spectate these things.’

  ‘Let’s do it,’ Eva urges Daniel, yanking on his hand like a little kid.

  ‘Ha,’ I can’t help but blurt.

  ‘What?’ Daniel asks.

  ‘Sorry, I just… I’d be interested to watch you two taking part in something that required knowledge of each other, given the, erm, underground nature of your relationship.’

  Zoey shrugs and smiles. She clearly has no idea what I’m getting at.

  ‘So shall I put your names down?’

  ‘Yeah, put us down,’ Daniel says. ‘We’d do better than you two ever could. You’re basically strangers.’

  ‘Ooh, fighting talk,’ Zoey says. ‘Are you going to take that from them?’

  I realise she’s talking to me directly. I’ve taken much worse from them.

  ‘Sign us up,’ Freddie says.

  ‘Really?’ I squeak.

  ‘Really,’ he replies. ‘I think we’ll be good at it.’

  Daniel wasn’t wrong, Freddie and I are basically strangers… but, I don’t know, I suppose it could be fun?

  ‘Yes, sign us up,’ I say.

  ‘All right! A friendly rivalry,’ Zoey says. ‘So, the first round is tonight…’

  As Zoey explains how the competition works, and takes our details, I almost feel sorry for her. With myself and Freddie, and Daniel and Eva taking part, this rivalry is going to be anything but friendly.

  21

  It turns out that everyone is pretty excited for Mr & Mrs Valentine. Participating couples will be taking part in a series of events over the course of this week. It seems as if there’s always some kind of event going on here, to keep guests entertained. I’m not sure if there was a better or worse time to be here, but it doesn’t sound too bad. Only a certain number of couples progress to the next round, which means that by the time you get to the final event, only the best of the best are left. I can’t imagine Freddie and me, or Daniel and Eva being crowned the best, not when we’re competing against conventional/real couples, but if we can just get further than our rivals…

  Freddie seems excited. He says he’s been so bored and lonely, after being holed up in his apartment so long, before coming here to be even lonelier. I suppose, at least when you’re feeling lonely in your own home, you’re surrounded by your own things. Not that things can keep you company, but familiarity can, to an extent. Here, though, surrounded by no one he knows and nothing he recognises, Freddie must feel it even more. I think that’s why he’s clung onto me as tightly as I have him. I’m like a project for him, someone he can take care of. And now we’ve got this competition.

  ‘I just want to win this one round,’ I tell him. ‘And then we’ll bow out, because we’re ill or shy or something. So long as we kick their butts once.’

  ‘Kick their butts once and then don’t give them a chance to equalise?’ Freddie asks.

  ‘Exactly,’ I reply. ‘All is fair in love and war.’

  Freddie just laughs.

  The beach bar is a wide, circular open space. There is a large stage at one side, with an open space for a dance floor in front of it. Tables and chairs are set up everywhere else, all facing the action.

  Fairy lights hang around the edge of the space, creating the illusion of a sort of wall around us, and at the centre of each table is a clear glass wine bottle, with even more lights packed inside. I think my favourite thing about Valentine Island might be the recurring theme of twinkling lights and leafy green plants. I definitely feel as if I’m in some sort of dreamy utopia, a million miles from my usual life in the big, polluted city.

  It still feels so warm, but without the sun beating down on us, it’s a more pleasant heat. I’m wearing a strapless dress, but now, after a day sunbathing, my shoulders have white strap marks from my bikini, which just scream
‘Brit abroad’. I think perhaps Freddie has been working on his tan for longer than I have, or perhaps because he’s almost always shirtless he’s just colouring more evenly than I am. Tonight he’s wearing a muscle-hugging, V-neck T-shirt and a rather tight pair of chinos. I don’t know if his clothes are supposed to be tight, or if he’s just up against it, muscle-wise. I tick myself off every time I catch myself staring at him, admiring him.

  Ali decided not to come along and watch, because it ‘sounded lame’ and ‘might make her sick’ – she also told us that, if I was going to make out as if she was ‘banging a barman’ then she ‘may as well be banging a barman’ so she’s gone off to find the one from the restaurant last night.

  It’s absolutely packed here, so I can’t see Daniel and Eva – perhaps they’ve chickened out.

  Matteo and Zoey take to the stage. They’re both wearing radio mics that poke out in front of their faces, which makes me wonder what the hell we’re going to be doing that they need both hands for. Zoey takes the lead, saying everything in English. Matteo is only a few moments behind her, repeating everything she says in Italian.

  ‘It’s time for the first round of Mr & Mrs Valentine Island,’ she announces to an ocean of applause. ‘So, let’s get our couples up here and find out just how much they know about each other.’

  ‘Crap,’ I say quietly. ‘We’re not exactly going to smash this round, are we?’

  ‘Let’s give it a shot,’ Freddie says. ‘If we don’t go first, and it sounds difficult, we can bail.’

  We reluctantly make our way to the stage, with all the other couples. I finally notice Daniel and Eva. They might not know each other all that well, but it’s bound to be more than Freddie and I know one another. Why couldn’t it have been something I’m better than them at, like comma placement or not being an adulterer?

  Matteo removes a large red velvet sheet to reveal a box. It’s sort of like a wide telephone box, divided in two with a little window at the top. It’s all red and sparkly, which makes me think it is made for purpose. In which case, they really do take this seriously.

  ‘So, for the first round, we’re going to find out just how well our couples know each other – the ultimate test in any relationship. For some rounds you need to be strong, but for this one, your relationship needs to be ironclad. Couples will sit in separate sections of the booth, with one person answering questions about the other. If the answers on the cards match, it’s a point. It’s time to see who is hopelessly in love, and who is just plain hopeless…’

  Freddie and I watch the first few couples go through the questions and answers. It’s incredible, just how many couples get the answers wrong for some of the most simple-sounding questions. And these are real couples, not fake ones who have only known each other a few days.

  Next up, it’s Daniel and Eva. The two of them take their seats in the booth, with Eva opting to answer questions about Daniel. That makes sense; Daniel is so self-involved, I doubt he’s ever asked her a personal question.

  ‘Question one,’ Zoey starts. ‘What colour is your partner’s eyes?’

  Well, that one is easy: his eyes are brown. You don’t need to know Daniel all that well to know that one – even Freddie could’ve answered that one about him.

  ‘And your answer,’ Zoe prompts Eva.

  Eva holds up her dry-wipe board. She’s written ‘brown’ on it, in impossibly swirly, girly handwriting. She bites her lip as she waits to hear if she’s right.

  ‘And your answer,’ she says to Daniel.

  Daniel flips his board around to reveal that she has the right answer.

  The audience dutifully applauds, as they do to each question that is answered correctly. Oh, she knows what colour his eyes are, big whoop.

  ‘Question two,’ Zoey continues. ‘What does your partner keep on their bedside table?’

  ‘Obviously I know this one,’ I tell Freddie, under my breath. ‘Because it’s my bedroom too. He has this moon that lights up.’

  My side of the bed is messy. I always have a couple of books on the go, squashed on there with my light, my chargers, and whatever I’ve left on there like lip balm or a water bottle. Daniel’s side is always tidy – the only thing on his bedside table is his moon lamp.

  Eva lifts up her board, which says ‘moon’ on it, and I feel as if I’ve been punched in the face. Freddie wraps a supportive around me, which I appreciate more than he can imagine. I feel as if I’m going to pass out.

  She’s been in my bedroom. Eva has been in my bedroom. My bedroom. I don’t know when, or where I was, but I know I’ve never taken her in there. I knew she’d been sleeping with my fiancé but, call me naïve, I never actually believed they’d done it in my house, in my bedroom, in my bed.

  Daniel holds his board up, and their answer is a match.

  I touch my cheek with the back of my hand. I don’t know if it’s just warm tonight, a touch of sunburn, or because I am fuming, but I feel as if my face is radiating heat.

  ‘Question three,’ Zoey says.

  At this point, I don’t even want to be here any more. Not just taking part in this competition, I don’t even want to be on the same island as them.

  ‘Where were you the first time you said you loved each other?’

  Freddie squeezes me tighter.

  I suppose this serves me right, for thinking I could get one up on them by playing some stupid game.

  If I were answering this, my answer would be the park. When we were dating, as he started to open up a bit more, Daniel said he wanted us to go for a walk. We’d never been for a walk before, that wasn’t really something we did for fun, but I was just so happy to be spending time with him, I didn’t care where we were or what time it was. I was pleasantly surprised, during out first sunset walk together, when he just blurted out that he loved me. I immediately knew I loved him too.

  Eva holds up her board, which reads ‘park’.

  Are you fucking kidding me? Is this what he does? He takes girls to the park, walks them around a bit and then tells them that he loves them? Oh, he must think he’s so smooth, strolling woman after woman through the trees, before sitting them down on the grass, facing the sunset, tucking their hair behind their ear before whispering his phoney declaration of love into their ear. At the time, I thought he was wonderful. Now, I think he’s a massive creep, and as for Eva… She isn’t just intruding in my relationship and my bedroom, she’s invading my memories now, tainting them, claiming them for her own, just as she’s doing with everything else.

  Of course, her answer is correct.

  Zoey is pulling questions out of a box, so she has no idea what’s coming. I wish I knew; this is torture. Each question seems to wind me up even more than the previous one.

  ‘Question four… what was the first thing you argued about?’

  Eva dances in her seat excitedly. She knows this one.

  For some reason, it upsets me even more to know that they argue; it legitimises them as a couple. It’s normal for couples to argue, and it bothers me that they do, even more than the idea of them exchanging ‘I love you’s’.

  ‘Well, I can’t imagine the two of them arguing about politics,’ Freddie whispers to me.

  ‘No. I can’t even imagine them conversing,’ I reply. ‘All he talks about is football, and all she talks about is herself.’

  Eva holds up her board, which says ‘missed first Valentine’s Day’ along with a sad face. As Daniel reveals that his answer matches, the audience playfully boo him.

  ‘Oh, no,’ Zoey says. ‘I hope you had a good excuse.’

  ‘He spent it with his fiancée,’ I whisper to Freddie. ‘That’s his excuse.’

  ‘Well, Daniel and Eva are currently on four out of four, which is our joint highest score so far. If they can get this one right, they’ll be our new leaders. So…’

  So far, no one has answered their fifth and final question right. The final questions come from a separate box and are supposedly harder than the previo
us ones.

  ‘What was Daniel scared of when he was younger?’ Zoey asks.

  Eva scratches her head theatrically before writing something down. She holds her board up to reveal the word ‘clowns’.

  ‘Ooh, clowns,’ Zoey says. ‘Shall we see what Daniel wrote?’

  ‘It’s dogs,’ I tell Freddie.

  When Daniel was seven years old, he and his cousin were playing on the street where Daniel lived, when a dog approached them and bit his cousin. Daniel remembers the dog biting him, but his mum insists it was his cousin who got bit. This left Daniel with a crippling fear of dogs, which I helped him overcome when we met, by introducing him to my parents’ Pomeranians. Well, who could be scared of a Pomeranian? They’re basically small clouds that bark if you don’t give them enough attention.

  ‘Oh, unlucky,’ Zoey says. ‘The answer was dogs. But, the good news is that you’re still our joint leaders, so you’re definitely through to the next round.’

  ‘I’ve got an idea,’ Freddie whispers to me. ‘You answer questions about me. No one will be able to see what you’re doing in that booth – you can only see faces. Just pretend you’re writing your answer down, and quickly look it up online.’

  ‘Look it up online?’ I reply.

  ‘It never ceases to amaze me, how much random but accurate information there is about me on the web,’ he says with a bemused chuckle. ‘So look it up online.’

  Daniel and Eva exit their booths and hug each other victoriously. As Freddie and I make our way over, we pass them on the stage.

  ‘Good luck,’ Daniel whispers to me with a smarmy grin.

  There’s no way I could possibly know as much about Freddie as Eva knows about Daniel. No matter how long their affair has been going on, they’ve known each other for years. I’ve known Freddie for days, and our relationship is entirely fabricated.

  ‘Our final couple of the evening is Freddie and Lila,’ Zoey tells the audience, reading our names off a card.

  Freddie is still wearing his sunglasses, which seem to be doing the trick, preserving his anonymity. He looks like a bit of a poser though, given that it’s definitely dark now.