To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  “I wanted to ask you out.”

  “Very funny,” I muttered, not impressed. “Knock it off Chris!”

  I walked towards the exit but he didn’t move.

  “I’m serious,” he said.

  I didn’t know what to reply. My answer was obvious, wasn’t it? I hated the guy! Surely he was trying to trick me. I decided to go along with his prank…

  “How romantic, asking me out in the ladies’ bathroom!”

  “At least it’s private,” he said.

  “Are you kidding?” I asked, feeling awkward.

  “No.”

  There was a breathless silence. His attitude scared me. I never knew what to expect with him.

  “I have a boyfriend,” I said to break the silence.

  “Really? What’s his name?” he asked suspiciously.

  “…Geoffrey.”

  Wow, that was an amazing lie! Why on earth did I say that? Geoffrey wasn’t my boyfriend; I had pushed him away just a few nights ago. I guess that the fib seemed like an easy way out.

  “Besides, you have Jessica!” I finally said.

  I probably should have mentioned that from the beginning, instead of being dishonest.

  “Why do you think I wanted to see you in private?” he asked me.

  I didn’t know what to answer to that either. His behaviour was mind-boggling. Nothing made any sense to me.

  “You said you needed to pee…” I replied, confused.

  “I don’t need to pee, I just wanted to talk to you in private.”

  “By private, you mean behind Jessica’s back.”

  “Something like that.”

  “What a lucky girl! She has such a wonderful and faithful boyfriend!” I sneered.

  He stared at me for a little while.

  “What the hell are you playing at?” I asked him.

  “What’s wrong with inviting a girl out to dinner? You obviously said yes to this Geoffrey guy, why not give me a chance too?”

  “Because he’s not like you! He’s kind, creative, thoughtful and funny.”

  “Boring…”

  “You are impolite, irritating and disrespectful! Look at you, you’re in the ladies' room, what does that say about you?” I asked, defensive.

  “And you are still standing here talking to me and you haven’t given a negative answer to my question yet… what does that say about you?” he stated.

  “I’m not jealous of your girlfriend!” I shouted.

  Chris smiled and gave me a cheeky wink. At that point, I was fed up with his assumptions and I left the room, slamming the door behind me. I returned to Olivia without looking back.

  “You’ve been in there for a while!” she noticed.

  “I… I… couldn’t get the dryer to work.”

  “There is no hand dryer,” said Olivia, sceptical.

  “Yes… yes, I mean, there were no paper towels left, I had to find some tissues in my handbag.”

  I didn’t mean to lie to my friend, I was still very confused. In the corner of my left eye, I saw Chris sneak out of the toilets. He caught up with Jessica and put his arm around her. She kissed him and they began chatting. They looked happy. Chris was surely pulling my leg earlier on... He could not have been serious at all.

  “Mandy?” Olivia asked impatiently, dragging my attention off of Chris.

  “Yes?”

  “So? Which one do you want? Tuna or cheese?” she asked in an angry tone.

  She must had already questioned me two or three times before without getting an answer.

  “Sorry… Cheese this time, I think,” I finally replied.

  Chapter 10

  The first weekend of May had arrived, and although it had felt like the hot season had begun in March, everybody in town was celebrating the start of the summer. The thermometer hanging outside my bedroom window showed twenty-five degrees at ten o’clock in the morning. It was going to be another scorching day. I slowly crawled out of bed and dragged my feet all the way to the kitchen. Michael and Hannah were already up and about, working on their dissertations in the living room. I smiled at them to acknowledge their presence and made my way to the fridge with my eyes half shut. I hadn’t slept well, too busy thinking about rejecting both Geoffrey and Chris in the same week. What was wrong with me? I could easily understand why I declined Chris’ invitation to dine. He is, after all, the most selfish annoying man on the planet. But why didn’t I enjoy Geoffrey’s signs of affection during Michael’s birthday party? Weird. Very weird. I was looking forward to seeing him that night, and yet when he made a move, I backed down.

  I poured myself a big glass of fresh orange juice to wake me up and to help me think straight about all that had happened. It turned out orange juice didn’t have the ability to make me see clearer on the matter. It was time to take my mind off my doubts and get on with something useful for the day, like clearing my desk. My boxes were still piled up on it like a crooked castle. As soon as I was dressed, I got cracking on them and chucked away many gizmos and gadgets; I didn’t even know what they were for. They must have been gifts because I couldn’t remember buying such impractical devices. I managed to find a little space in the kitchen for my extra plates and glasses, and I gave most of my beauty products to Hannah. When I came across some photos, my tidying started to slow down considerably. I spent ages smiling at pictures of my big sister’s wedding day. She had two children now, so I didn’t get to see her as much as I would have liked. She was very busy and her children always interrupted our rare conversations on the phone with their screams and giggles.

  As I flicked through my heavy packet of photos, I saw Olivia’s face pop up on one of them. We were eighteen years old and we had proudly taken the picture in front of our university on our very first day. While inspecting it, I noticed that my friend seemed to have lost a little bit of weight over the past two years, and her hairstyle had also changed. She used to have short dark curly hair; now she had long hair with blond streaks that she always tied up. I, however, didn’t look much different. My light brown hair was still long and the outfit I was wearing that day was still what I regularly wore to go to Uni. Goodness me, I needed to do some shopping! Olivia was the perfect friend to help me out. She loved fashion, especially those jumpers that had funny sayings written on the front such as I’m only a morning person on Dec. 25th, or All I need is mascara and caffeine, or Gosh, being a princess is exhausting!

  I finally got round to sorting out my collection of desk diaries. It broke my heart to throw them away. They represented years of school work, love notes from boys I went out with and little comments from friends who also added funny stickers on the pages here and there. I tore out the most memorable ones and put them in one little box. That was all I kept.

  ***

  Later that day, Michael, Hannah and I ventured out into the heat. Children were running under the city fountains and everyone was carrying bottles of water. Elderly people were sitting under trees in the local park and some used umbrellas to create more shade. We decided to walk down the little artists’ cobblestone streets that were particularly narrow and surrounded by tall buildings. They allowed us to stay out of the sun during our stroll. Most art shops and exhibitions were open and my roommates took a look at every one of them. As we walked down an old brick road, I saw Geoffrey standing at the entrance of his workshop. He was smoking a cigarette while talking to someone on the phone. He seemed deeply upset. He kept fidgeting and his hand trembled every time he took a puff. When we arrived closer to him, he noticed us, waved and quickly finished his conversation. As he put his phone away in his trouser pocket, his hands stopped shaking and he began to smile.

  “Hello there!” he shouted.

  He shook Michael’s hand and gave a friendly hug to Hannah. As for me, he didn’t know what to do. Handshake? Hug? Kiss? Wave? Wink? He ended up kissing my cheek very briefly.

  “Many customers?” asked Hannah.

  “No,” Geoffrey rep
lied, “it’s too hot.”

  It was indeed. He had drops of sweat running down both sides of his face. I couldn’t gather whether they were caused by the combination of the heat and his thick frizzy hair, or by his troubling phone call.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked him kindly.

  “Yes,” he said while wiping his face with the short sleeve of his t-shirt.

  I felt sorry for him. I had a strong feeling he was lying.

  “And what are you guys up to today?” he asked us.

  “The usual,” said Michael, “checking out new exhibitions.”

  Geoffrey’s ringtone interrupted our discussion. He glanced at his mobile’s screen and his hand started to shake again.

  “Sorry, an important call... Catch up with you soon?”

  “Of course!” said Michael.

  Before we even had time to say goodbye, Geoffrey had already picked up and had stepped into his workshop.

  “He was in a hurry!” noticed Hannah.

  My roommates walked away. I watched Geoffrey pace in his workshop for a short while. I couldn’t hear what he was saying but he looked petrified. He grabbed another cigarette from his coat and searched for his lighter. As he walked towards the entrance, he saw me standing there. I realised I was being rude and whispered “sorry”, hoping he would accept my apology. He quickly slammed the front door without giving any sign of forgiveness.

  Chapter 11

  I wasn’t sure how to react when Chris sat next to me in Mrs Auteberry’s class on Monday morning. What was he trying to do, make me uncomfortable? Make Jessica jealous? Oh god, she most certainly hated me already… I hoped she wasn’t going to kill me. She was staring at me from the next row with her ruler in her hands. A ruler could probably do some serious damage, couldn’t it? I had to get Chris to change seat before the professor started her lesson.

  “That’s Olivia’s seat,” I told him.

  “Not today, it isn’t!”

  “Can’t you see that Jessica’s waiting for you over there?”

  “I don’t always have to sit next to her,” he said.

  “It doesn’t look like she agrees…” I mentioned.

  Jessica now had a black marker in her right hand and checked on us every ten seconds. Could a marker also be a potential weapon?

  “So, did you find out who was having sex?” he asked out of the blue.

  “What are you on about?”

  “You know… strawberry jam, stained t-shirt, bathroom, corridor, noises coming from the bedroom, your ear pressed up against the door...”

  “Okay, I get it!” I said, disturbed by that memory. “No, I didn’t find out.”

  “I did,” he replied.

  “I’m not interested.”

  “Yes you are,” he pestered.

  “No, I’m not,” I repeated.

  “It was Jim and Kelly,” he told me.

  I tried not to show that I was surprised. Jim, the teaser who tickled my leg with a ruler the day I was labelled The Rat Woman, and Kelly, that I always thought of as Sporty Spice because she played football with the boys at every game, had a thing for each other. I would have never guessed! I simply never saw them hang out together.

  “After running into you in the corridor,” Chris explained, “I discreetly opened their bedroom door and saw them–”

  “I don’t want to know!” I insisted.

  “They were...” he continued.

  I covered my ears knowing that he wasn’t going to shut up. Mrs Auteberry stepped up onto the little stage in front of the blackboard and started talking about what we were going to study. Consumer Research was the subject of the day. I was forced to expose my ears to Chris’ balderdash again, but thankfully he had given up on sharing his inappropriate information. Mrs Auteberry began by drawing a diagram on the board, presenting what consumer research would allow us to do: develop advertising materials, measure performances of products and services, optimize marketing strategy, etc. Just like every student, I decided to copy her clever summarisation. As I looked down, I noticed with consternation that Chris had drawn on my notebook. He had made an obscene little sketch of what Jim and Kelly were doing together in the bedroom! It looked like a simplified illustration taken from a pornographic storyboard with two arrows indicating who was Jim and who was Kelly. I tore it up and screwed it into a little ball that I placed in his pencil case.

  “That’s gruesome!” I whispered.

  “Prude!” he mumbled in return.

  DO NOT ANSWER THAT, I told myself. It wasn’t worth it. I had already missed Mr Hutchins’ lesson because of Chris, I didn’t want to be dismissed by Mrs Auteberry too.

  “I’ll show you how it’s done if you go out with me,” suggested Chris.

  How could this appalling proposal come out of his mouth? Didn’t he have any kind of sense of respect, privacy and decency?

  “I’ve already tried that position a couple of times with Jessica, she enjoys it,” he added.

  Nope, no decency whatsoever.

  “I wouldn’t dream of it even if you were the last man on earth!” I said.

  “Oh I see,” he muttered, “you’re more of a conventional kind of girl. Boy on girl action, nothing else, am I right?”

  I sighed and wished he had never sat next to me. Concentrate on Consumer Marketing Research, I told myself. Don’t listen to him anymore.

  “Is Geoffrey good at it?”

  “That’s none of your business,” I told him.

  “You haven’t had sex with him yet...” he supposed.

  “Shut up!”

  “How long have you been going out with him?” he asked.

  “Shut up!” I repeated.

  “Does he make you come?”

  “SHUT UP!” I mumbled forcefully.

  Mrs Auteberry turned round and looked in our direction. We kept our heads down and pretended to focus on our diagrams. Jessica stared at us as well but with a devilish and scary look on her face.

  “Please concentrate!” said Mrs Auteberry, not quite sure who she was meant to scold.

  She picked up where she left off. As soon as Jessica looked away, Chris began to murmur again.

  “Jess doesn’t let me come before her.”

  How could I make him keep quiet? He was unstoppable!

  “I don’t want to know,” I said, with desperation.

  “You know what I do before I come?”

  I tried to ignore him.

  “…I think of you,” he finished.

  I froze on my chair, abashed and flushed. I even felt feverish when I looked into his brown eyes. His undisciplined blond hair slightly fell in front of them, making him look very appealing. How could a man be seductive and sickening at the same time? I couldn’t handle the situation anymore.

  “Mrs Auteberry?” I quivered.

  “Yes, Miss Bell?”

  “Do you mind if I change seat? I can’t see the blackboard very well from here.”

  “Of course, go ahead,” she replied.

  I gathered all of my effects and walked away from Chris. I found a seat right at the front of the classroom where I wouldn’t be distracted by him or by Jessica. My heart was beating fast and it took a while before the feverish feeling went away.

  Chapter 12

  I don’t run.

  And if you ever see me running,

  you should run too

  because something is probably chasing me.

  I was crying with laughter when Olivia came out of the changing room wearing that good-humoured blue jumper.

  “Witty, isn’t it?” she smiled.

  I concurred; it suited her well. That was the fourth sweatshirt she had tried on and she was going to buy them all.

  “Surely it’s too hot for jumpers though,” I commented.

  “I love wearing them any time of the year.”

  In fact she was wearing one while we were shopping and she didn’t seem bothered by the heat at all. As for
me, I was dressed in shorts and a light t-shirt, and I was sweating!

  Olivia helped me find some new clothes to refresh my cupboards. It was about time. We had a look at a little bit of everything: pyjamas, trousers, t-shirts, jumpers, underwear, shoes and hats. (The hats were a big mistake.) While waiting in line for the changing rooms again, I suggested to Olivia that she tried the rest of the jumpers she had picked out while we were queueing. After all, there was no harm in trying on jumpers; it wasn't as if the customers were going to see her underwear.

  “No,” she said, “I’ll wait until a changing room is available.”

  “But it would save a lot of time, people are taking ages!”

  She ignored me.

  “Nobody will notice…” I added.

  “No, I won’t take my jumper off!” she insisted in a bullish tone.

  I must have said something wrong. Whenever I upset Olivia, I would always think of some gossip to tell her, just to move on to something else without an awkward silence setting between us.

  “Guess what… Jim and Kelly hooked up at Jessica’s party!” I told her.

  “Really? How do you know that?”

  “Chris told me.”

  She looked surprised.

  “I didn’t realise you were friends,” she said.

  “We’re not,” I affirmed, “but he sat next to me in Marketing.”

  “And he just told you that?”

  “Well…”

  I wondered how to explain why the conversation came up, but telling the whole truth wouldn’t have made me look good in front of my friend. By the time I had found an appropriate excuse, it felt like several minutes had gone by.

  “I guess Jim must have told him and he thought it would be fun to tell me… Chris doesn’t keep things to himself, it seems.”

  “I wouldn’t know, would I,” Olivia answered miserably.

  For the first time, I actually believed that my friend was truly envious.

  “Is something bothering you?” I asked her delicately.

  “You hate the guy, why does he tell you secrets?”