To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  “What do you think you make me feel like, Amanda?” he blurted out. “You rejected me at the foot of your tent the first day I spoke to you, and you have acted like I’m the devil ever since!”

  “So, this is all about your ego getting shattered at Jessica’s party, is that it? All because I didn’t want to sleep with you, unlike all the other girls who would do anything to be in your home right now.”

  “You pushed me away when you hardly knew me!”

  “You called me a prude!”

  “You just called me a dick, and yet I haven’t thrown you out of my house!”

  “I really hate you, Chris!” I shouted.

  “What are you doing in my house if you hate me?” he pointed out.

  I didn’t know what to answer. I put my head down and avoided eye contact. Why am I here? Why am I here? Why am I here? Shit! I had no idea why I had come.

  I was, of course, lying to myself. I knew exactly what had brought me to his home. It was to maintain his wish to go out with me. He had said it at multiple occasions: he liked me. And I liked that he liked me. I was getting accustomed to his attention – good and bad – and it was thrilling for me to be the subject of his interest. Out of all the girls at Uni, he had chosen to bother me. A part of me still wanted him to do so every day. So I inevitably started to play cat and mouse…

  Chris came closer to me, looked me in the eyes, and I think, was hoping to hear that I liked him too. But I didn’t say a word. And in that instant, I could sense that he was heartbroken by my silence.

  Chapter 30

  Soon after our disturbing moment, I rushed downstairs, said goodbye to Val and returned home, leaving Chris alone with the tray of appetizers. I felt like a mess in the bus and I could have burst into tears at any second. A little baby lying in a pram in front of me constantly stared at me as if he sensed that I was upset, and was waiting for me to crack. How could I want and need the attention of a guy I hated? I knew I had put myself in a terrible emotional pickle and I had to get out of this sticky situation as soon as possible, in order to preserve my friendships, my reputation – at least what was left of it – and my own mental health!

  As I stepped out of the bus and made my way to my apartment, I had the feeling that my troubles of the day weren’t entirely over yet. And I was right. When I arrived in the living room, Geoffrey was sitting on the sofa with Michael and Hannah. They were having a beer together.

  “There you are, Mandy!” said Michael. “Look who’s come to see you!”

  My roommates grinned at me while Geoffrey got up to give me a kiss. I barely touched his lips and I faked a smile when he said hello.

  “I have been waiting for you all week,” he uttered.

  “Oh, yes… Sorry, I forgot to pass by…”

  “Still working hard on those exams of yours?”

  “Yes…yes, that’s it,” I replied briefly.

  Michael and Hannah stood up and took the empty bottles of beer to the kitchen.

  “We’ll leave you two to catch up,” Hannah told us, still with a broad smile on her face.

  Geoffrey and I sat on the sofa. Forty minutes earlier, I was sitting in the exact same position next to Chris. We started with small talk, and then he suggested that we go to my room for a little more privacy. I agreed, but my attitude was that of a zombie as I followed his lead. We continued our chitchat as we sat side by side at the foot of my bed. We sometimes kissed between random subjects that popped up into our heads, and he would constantly rub my back as if I needed to be reassured about my exams. Frankly, the rubbing was annoying. I soon managed to find a reason to stand up to put an end to it: I shut my bedrooms shutters. It was pouring with rain outside and the sun had already set; there was nothing left to see throughout the windows. We must have spent one whole hour in my room, simply talking about nothing in particular. I struggled to concentrate on a subject for more than three minutes because my mind was only thinking about Chris. I couldn’t figure him out, neither could I figure out my feelings for him. There was no other way I could put it: I wanted to see him again.

  “Geoffrey…” I said.

  “Yes?”

  “Could we see each other another day? I don’t mean to be rude, I just… just… need to rest.”

  “Would you like to rest at my place? I have some wine... A rare vintage that I've been trying to get my hands on for months. That could help get your mind off yours exams.”

  “Another time would be better.”

  “Over the weekend?”

  “I have an assignment to write and a friend to see in hospital. It might be a bit tight these coming days.”

  “Look, Mandy, I like you,” voiced Geoffrey, “but one day you’re hot, one day you’re cold. It’s a little difficult to follow sometimes… I don’t want to chase after you. So, give me a call when you feel available, okay?”

  I nodded, then kissed him tenderly to thank him. And I even rubbed his back. I saw him to the front door and noticed my roommates’ surprised faces, watching us from the kitchen as we said goodbye. “Already leaving?” they must have thought.

  When I joined Hannah and Michael for dinner, I told them about Olivia. They were as disconcerted as I was. In fact, they immediately made plans to accompany me to the hospital over the weekend. I knew I could count on them to help me deal with the shock, and hopefully they could also help Olivia in her battle against anorexia. It was a relief to talk to my friends about her condition, and I didn’t feel quite so alone as I listened to their advice and ideas to improve Olivia’s situation. They suggested creating a grand banner to hang up in her room. Having seen all their artwork, I knew they would design a stunning one for my friend. We began working on it that evening and we had finished it by the time the Saturday visiting hours were open.

  Chapter 31

  Rest... Relax... Recover...

  That was our title for Olivia's banner. We added many big red hearts, shiny yellow stars, swirling summer leaves and our signatures to it. Thanks to Hannah and Michael's drawing skills, our banner was splendid. My roommates didn't know Olivia as much as me, but they had met her on many occasions since my arrival in the flat. My friend would often pop round for a hot chocolate in winter, or more recently, for a refreshment during the hot spring we’d had. Hannah noticed how close Olivia and I were as soon as she met her in September; I had invited her over to discover my new place. My roommate asked on that very day why I wasn't sharing a flat with her. Sadly, Mr Ledford passed away two years before. He had been struggling with lung cancer for many years and couldn't fight anymore. After that, Mrs Ledford had difficulty keeping up with the bills and raising a teenager and a young boy of five. They left London and moved to a little flat in Merseyside. After her nineteenth birthday, Olivia wanted her independence and envied all her friends living on their own or sharing a flat. Mrs Ledford allowed her to leave home, but she could only afford a little nine-square-meter studio for her daughter. Now, Olivia was going to have to be back under her mother's wing for a while, until she would be able to eat properly again.

  My friend was thrilled when she saw us enter her hospital room with our big banner. It was a relief to see her smile, despite having a tube in her nose. It made her look so defenceless. The doctor said it was mostly a precaution, as the nurses were overloaded with work and couldn't always check that Olivia was eating all – or at least some – of the food provided everyday at every meal. I wished I could have stayed longer with her, and maybe even eaten with her at lunchtime, but she had many appointments that day: with her doctor, a dietitian and her therapist. Her mother and brother were also planning on passing by too. So, after hanging the banner up on the wall in front of her, my roommates and I gave her a big collective hug and returned home to make time for our revisions. Only three weeks left before our final exams.

  Chapter 32

  Chris was nowhere to be seen on Monday. And to my despair, neither was he on Tuesday when we were meant to give in our assignme
nt to Mr Hutchins. There I was, standing alone in his office and staring at my feet, waiting and hoping Chris would turn up so that our teacher would set us free. Mr Hutchins was sipping his coffee while reading the final version of our work that I handed in a couple of minutes before.

  “Hmm... This all looks very good, Miss Bell,” assessed Mr Hutchins,” but there is no point in me commenting your work if your collaborator doesn't show up.”

  “I don't know where he is,” I told him.

  Mr Hutchins raised his shoulders and sighed. His attitude meant: “Not. My. Problem.” He returned to his reading and left me in silence. My hands were getting sweaty from anxiousness and exasperation. Why was Chris doing this to me? Couldn't he honour his word, just once? I started to wonder whether I hadn’t truly hurt his feelings over the weekend. Should I have told the truth and said that I loved his attentions? And I dare say, that I liked him?

  As that alarming thought came to mind, the office door suddenly swung open, making the teacher and myself look up. Chris rushed inside the room.

  “Sorry I'm late!” he said out of breath, as he shut the door behind him.

  When he stood next to me, facing Mr Hutchins, I saw that he had dark blue and purple bruises all over the right side of his face and neck. The teacher couldn't help but notice them too.

  “What on earth happened to you, Mr Downes?”

  “I slipped and fell,” Chris replied.

  I didn't believe him, and neither did Mr Hutchins, but we both knew we weren't going to get an honest answer out of him. We stared at his bruises, both curious to know what could have really happened. Chris was aware that we were sceptical, so he quickly changed the subject.

  “How is our assignment?” he asked Mr Hutchins.

  “Erm... yes... Well,” he started, fiddling through our paper, “from what I've read, it’s good.”

  He looked over his glasses and glanced at us for a brief moment.

  “I trust you both worked on this together?”

  Chris and I nodded at the same time, just like ten-year-old children would.

  “Very well.”

  Mr Hutchins lifted our work up in the air and tore it into a dozen pieces.

  “What are you doing?” I shouted, downright disappointed that he had barely read it!

  “The aim of this assignment was for you to learn to work together,” explained the teacher, “not to give me more work. I already have so much to prepare for the exams...”

  Great. Another lecture. Chris and I had to stand through another of Mr Hutchins' speeches. He went on and on about the importance of teamwork and overcoming differences. After two minutes of sermon, I stopped listening and began to worry about Chris' bruised face. Did he get into a fight at Behind the Curtains? Was everybody alright there? Who could have hurt him so badly? Maybe it was Jim! Maybe he was upset after all that Chris had revealed his fling with Kelly to the whole class! I looked over at him. Chris was standing still, most probably pretending to listen to the teacher too.

  “...Thankfully, Mr Downes, you showed up just in time to assist Miss Bell in giving in your assignment,” finished Mr Hutchins. “I hope you will both support each other from now on.”

  We remained silent. Support each other... Support each other... Chris and I? Do enemies support each other?

  “You may now get back to your studies,” he told us. “And you might want to see a doctor about those bruises, Mr Downes,” he added.

  We left Mr Hutchins' office straight away, without saying a word to each other. Chris didn't even bother to wait for me and marched out of the building as fast as he could. After a moment of hesitation, I decided to run after him. Chris reached the closest bus stop and had to wait five extra minutes until the next one arrived, allowing me to catch up with him. He saw me approach as he turned around. We didn't speak for at least one whole minute. Then, I finally built up the nerve to say something.

  “Thank you for showing up. I almost thought you weren't going to.”

  “I didn't want to put you in another sticky situation,” he answered.

  Was the war between us finally over?

  “Don't you want to stay for this afternoon's class?”

  “It would only draw everybody's attention to my bruises,” he said. “I don't need that right now.”

  “Chris, what happened to you?” I asked, sincerely worried about him. “Did it happen at the strip club?”

  “No.”

  “Was it Jim?”

  “No.”

  He raised his left eyebrow, meaning “Don't be silly!” Thinking Jim could have beaten him up must have been a ridiculous assumption on my part.

  I could have continued making suppositions but I detected Chris was truly preoccupied. Any passer-by could see it. He looked so lonely under the bus shelter, sitting in silence, his face covered with bruises, and his arms crossed to protect his chest against the fresh breeze. Although the sun was shining brightly – and it even heated the shelter we were under – another storm was on its way.

  There was a spare seat next to Chris, so I joined him and sat there without asking any further questions. To my surprise, he didn't tell me to leave. He seemed to be thankful for my presence, even though our interactions were scarce. He finally began to speak when the nearest traffic light had turned green and all the cars in the queue in front of us had left the street.

  “My father is a drug dealer. He's been travelling around England for years. Dealing, selling and hiding. Yesterday I almost found him.”

  In a wink, I understood what Chris' life was all about. It all made sense.

  “All those universities... You were travelling around England too? You were looking for your dad?”

  “Yes. Ever since I left Behind the Curtains when I was sixteen, I have been searching for him.”

  “Why? After what he did to your mother, how could you want to make contact with–”

  I couldn't even finish my sentence. I realised as I spoke that he never wanted to meet his father. He was seeking revenge.

  “Shit...! Chris... What did you get yourself into?”

  “Yesterday I had a word with one of his suppliers.”

  “He did this to you?”

  “I threatened to tell the police if he didn't tell me where my father's hiding. He didn't like that.”

  “Oh, Chris... Did he tell you where your dad is?”

  “No.”

  “Are you going to the police?”

  “No.”

  “What are you going to do next?” I asked, worried for his safety.

  “That's no concern of yours, Amanda,” Chris replied, as he looked deep into my eyes.

  At that very moment, I wanted to kiss him. Stupid me.

  “Please don't do something you'll regret,” I begged him.

  Chris didn't react, which didn't reassure me.

  “Won't your father move once again? He probably knows you're looking for him by now. His supplier surely told him that you–”

  “That's why I need to find him as soon as possible. He won't leave as long as his business here isn't over. I believe I still have a week or two. He's usually in one place for a couple of months.”

  “But Chris, the final exams are coming up and you need–”

  “Fuck them!” he exclaimed.

  “What?”

  “Amanda, after all that you've heard about me, do you really think my exams are my priority?”

  “Well, I was hoping that–”

  “Don't hope for anything!” he shouted.

  I didn't like Chris’ inflaming tone.

  “Go study for your bloody exams, Amanda! And go get yourself a fancy office in one of those depressing and snobby agencies!” he said insultingly. “I'm going to do what I need to do.”

  “Do you think Val would appreciate you saying such a thing!” I retorted. “Do you think your mother would be happy to know–”

  “How could I know! She's dead, Mandy! DE
AD! My fucking father beat her to death! HOW COULD I KNOW IF SHE IS PROUD OF ME!”

  He stood up like a shot, faced the street, exhaled his anger and abruptly wiped his eyes. All I could see was the built-up tension in his upper back and shoulders. They looked as stiff as a brick.

  “Face it Mandy, we don't live in the same world,” he said. “Isn't that why you rejected me at the foot of your tent? Because I'm just a bastard!”

  I wanted to cry. I wished I hadn't rejected him that night.

  The sound of the bus approaching the stop pressured me to find the right thing to say before he left. Honestly, I didn't want him to.

  “Please stay here this afternoon, with me,” I asked.

  Chris didn't take any notice of my request. He stepped into the bus as soon as it arrived.

  Chapter 33

  How could I concentrate on my studies when Olivia was in hospital and Chris was putting himself in danger? I barely managed to follow the classes that afternoon and I went home as soon as the day was over. My mind was all over the place. I couldn't focus on one topic for more than three minutes. Chris, Olivia, exams, Geoffrey, Chris, Olivia, revisions, Kelly, Olivia... What a nightmare! Thankfully, I was going home to a joyful atmosphere: Hannah had found a dress for the Art Department's ball and was proudly parading about the flat in it when I stepped through the front door.

  “Isn't it perfect?” she asked me, overjoyed.

  “It certainly is!” I smiled.

  “Michael will be here any minute now, I can't wait to show him!”

  Hannah was swirling about like Cinderella after her fairy godmother transforms her ugly outfit into a beautiful gown. She was wearing a floor-length satin burgundy dress and a shiny gold ribbon around her waist. She looked like an angel. Michael walked into the apartment and found us giggling and gushing over her gown.

  “I see you have been busy!” he joked.