Barber Shop Ink: Always Blue in Memphis

by Penny Blush

  Like a boat with a broken rudder floating aimlessly on the ocean, I had no direction or purpose. Adrift, I felt like I was just bobbing around, just existing, just letting everything happen around me, and I didn't care. There was a silver lining, though; even in the darkness there is always a tiny light and mine was my family, specifically my brother. Through my all-consuming grief, I knew that I was not alone. I had my aunt and uncle who loved me like their daughter, my cousin who loved me like a sister and my rock, my anchor, my big brother. Davan, my amazing big brother, was my great protector who would never let anything happen to me, and who always had my back and made me smile.

  I might have been sad and irreparably heartbroken, but I knew with Davan around, that I was safe, supported and loved. With Davan around, I would survive. Slowly piece by piece my shattered heart would start to mend, I would heal, start over, and I would be okay.

  Then the other shoe dropped.

  *~*~*~* Hit Three *~*~*~*

  Davan was the big brother that all the other kids wished they had. He had a legion of fans in our old neighbourhood. When he was home, he would spend time with the kids who had siblings who were away. It didn't matter if they were away at school or on deployment or even serving time; he didn't want any of the kids feeling like they didn't have someone that they could go to or talk to if they needed anything. It didn’t matter what he was doing, he always made time for me, cared for me, loved me. He was my hero. That was until he decided he needed to be everyone else’s hero too.

  For three weeks, after we moved in with our aunt and uncle, he slept on the floor in my new room. Davan said that he couldn’t sleep in his new room because it smelt differently, sounded different, it didn't feel like home, and if he slept on the floor in my room, it made him feel better. I knew that really, he was doing it for me so that I would feel safe and so he would be close if I needed him.

  I should have known that something was wrong when Davan had yet to unpack his things. He kept telling me that he didn’t have the time or there was no rush that he wanted to make sure that I had my room set up the way I wanted first. He even offered to let me help with his room. That should have been a dead giveaway, he would never have let me organise his room, but I was just so happy that I overlooked the obvious.

  “Don’t worry Little Bug, everything is fine, there’s no rush. I’ll get to it eventually,” he would say giving me a reassuring hug anytime I questioned why he hadn’t unpacked.

  I soon realised that he was a BIG FAT LIAR!

  Davan woke me up one morning announcing that I didn’t have to go to school and that we were going to have a special brother-sister day. I scrambled out of bed buzzing with excitement not questioning him and ignoring the nagging voice in the back of my mind that was telling me that something wasn’t right.

  The day was perfect. It was the first good day that I had since our parents died. Davan went big. He made sure that the day was special and filled with all our favourite things. Pancakes for breakfast, pizza for lunch, a bike ride around the duck pond in town followed by swimming at the public pool that had the high diving board and the waterslide. After dinner of homemade cheese toasties, Davan let me pick the movie, and he didn’t even complain when I wanted to watch ‘The Labyrinth’ for the millionth time. I’d had so much fun hanging out with my big brother, just the two of us, that I pushed the sense of unease that had been relentlessly knocking on my nerves all day to the side, choosing to ignore it rather than ruin our perfect day.

  Davan made me feel like a princess, and for the first time in months, my heart was bursting with love and joy, instead of despair and sadness. I didn't think that I could have been happier. I sighed as he tucked me into bed, snuggling down to drift off towards dreamland with a smile on my face.

  “Little Bug, you know I love you, right?” he asked quietly, giving me a kiss on the forehead.

  "I love you too Dav. Thank you for making today so much fun and hanging out with me, and thanks again for my boots," I replied yawning tiredly but happy.

  “I’m so glad you had fun,” he whispered lying down on my tiny single bed beside me, wrapping me up in his arms. “You know no matter what I'll always be here for you, and I love you. You know that, don't you?”

  There was something in his tone that had me worried.

  “Dav what’s going on?”

  “Why would you think something’s going on?” He asked looking down at me.

  “Well, I didn't have to go to school today, and I haven't missed a day since we moved here. Even when I was upset or had had a difficult day, you would make me go to school because you said that education was important,” I said laying my tiny hand over his large one. “Then you let me decide what we did today, and you let me eat anything I wanted, even if it was junk food, plus you bought me the sparkly silver shoes I've wanted for ages."

  “So?” he replied. "You're my baby sister, my Little Bug. I'm allowed to buy you things you know. It says so in the big-brother handbook."

  "Well, this is not normal, and this was way more than one of our regular special days." I sat up so that I could look straight into his deep brown eyes so that I could tell if he was going to lie to me. “What’s going on?”

  That was when Davan decided to drop the bomb that he had been holding. The life changing announcement that I subconsciously knew was coming, breaking my twelve-year-old heart.

  Davan reached out and took my hand rubbing small circles on my palm with his thumb as he sorted through what he was going to tell me. “Little Bug, I'm being deployed again," he murmured deciding to just say it to me straight.

  “What! No, you can’t!” I cried scrambling over him to get off the bed. “You said that you wouldn’t have to go again, not for months. You said that’s why you were transferred to the base near here so that you could stay close and wouldn’t have to leave me!” I couldn’t make out his handsome face through my tears as I paced angrily around my room.

  “I know I promised that I wouldn't be deployed again so soon. You have no idea how sorry I am that I have to break my word, but my unit needs me."

  “I need you!” I yelled at him thumping my chest over my heart with my fist. “You should have gotten out of it. You should have told them that you couldn’t leave me!”

  “I tried Little Bug, I tried so hard,” he said, stopping me mid pace hugging me tightly. “I told my C.O. that it was too soon and that you needed me. I told him that he needed to find someone else because I couldn’t leave you and that you needed me here so that I can be strong for you when you couldn't be."

  “I’ll be good Davan; I'll be strong!" I promised, swiping at the tears that had started to fall, “just please stay!” I buried my face in his chest, sobbing as I let the grief, shock, and fear of my big brother leaving wash over me until all that remained was anger and I let that anger come crashing down. “If you leave, my family is all gone," I snarled pushing at his chest. I looked him in the eye hoping that my uncontrollable hurt and anger shone through, “if you leave me, I’ll be all alone. I’ll be on my own.”

  I looked down at my socked feet, as I couldn’t look him in the eyes any longer. At that moment, I didn't care that I was acting like a brat. I didn’t care that I was supposed to be a big girl and be brave and not throw a childish tantrum. I didn’t care. Screw him!

  If he wanted to abandon me, then the least he could do was feel a fraction of the pain I felt, pain that he was causing. I was feeling proud of myself, that I had stood up to him and hadn’t kept what I was thinking and feeling to myself. I had made him feel like shit, and it felt good. That was until I looked up again and saw the soul crushing hurt in his eyes. Instant regret flooded through me. Looking up into Davan's expressive eyes, I could see the exact moment; my hurtful words pierced his heart, shattering it into a thousand pieces.

  “I’m so sorry Dav," I whispered. Tears were welling up in my eyes again.

  “Oh, Little Bug, don’t be,” he said, tears glistening in his own eyes, pulling m
e back into a hug, crushing me into his chest. “I know you’re angry,” he whispered against my hair, “You have a right to be.” I looked up at him again, and he added smiling sadly, “I am.”

  “You are?”

  “Hell yes!” He said letting a little of his anger and frustration seep into his voice. “All I want to do is to stay here, with you, but if I don’t go, I’ll be in trouble.”

  “I don't want you to go,” I said squeezing him tightly, “but I don’t want you to be in trouble Dav,”

  “We’ll make a deal okay.” Davan held me at arm’s length so that he could make sure that I was paying attention to what he was saying. “You will be strong for me here, and I'll be strong for you there." I gave him a confused look then he explained further. "Whenever you feel that you're not strong enough to cope with something, know that I will always be thinking about you, loving you and cheering you on, so you can draw on my strength. If I ever feel the same when I'm away, then all I need to do is remember that you're here, being so strong and brave and that you're waiting for me to come home and that will make me stronger."

  I knew enough about war to know that it wouldn't exactly be a party for Davan. Where he was going, it would be dangerous and scary, and if having him know that I was okay would give him extra strength so that he could come home safe, then I could do that for him.

  “Okay, Dav. I can be strong. I promise,” I said determinedly, once again wiping tears that wouldn’t stop, off my cheeks.

  “I promise I’ll contact you all the time,” Davan promised, giving me a squeeze. “It will be like I never left. I’ll email you all the time and even Skype whenever I can, so you’ll never be alone.”

  I nodded my agreement, too afraid that if I spoke, I would start blubbering again. I wanted to prove not only to Davan but also to myself that I could be strong and brave and keep it together while he was gone.

  “Besides you know you’re with me wherever I go,” he said a small smile teasing his lips. “You know I carry you in and on, my heart wherever I go.”

  He was talking about the tattoo he got before his first overseas deployment. It was our parents and my name over his heart.

  “I have you in my heart too Davan,” I tapped my fingers over my heart. My poor damaged, bruised and beaten all to hell heart that was once again breaking.

  A week later I was standing on the base with my aunt and cousin saying goodbye to another piece of my heart. Davan, my indestructible big brother, was so handsome in his uniform. To me, he looked like a superhero. So tall, strong, unbreakable. No matter how selfish I wanted to be, no matter how badly I wanted him to stay, he had an incredibly important job to do, and I was so proud that he was my brother and that he wanted to serve his country.

  Davan crouched down in front of me so that he could look me in the eye. “I got you something so that you know that I'm always with you and you remember to be strong and courageous.” I looked down to see that he had placed a set of dog tags around my neck. “They’re just like mine,” he said smiling at me. He had given me a set of dog tags that matched his, but there was also something extra.

  “What’s this one?” I asked picking up a tag ringed in pink.

  “That’s for you. See I have one too.” He said pulling the dog tag out of his pocket. “I can’t hang mine with my other dog tags because it’s against regulations, but I’ll always have it with me. I promise.”

  I looked down, picking up the tags to read what it said.

  Name: Little Bug

  D.O.B: 7/8/1988

  Rank: Best little sister in the world

  Job: Stay strong happy and keep sending positive vibes

  “I love it," I murmured as I flung my arms around his neck, hugging him so tightly not wanting to let go.

  "There's more to it," he said untangling my arms from his neck but keeping my hands in his. "It's supposed to say ‘Job: to stay strong, happy and keep sending positive vibes out to the universe, especially to your big brother who will be able to feel you here,” he thumped his fist over his heart. "No matter where I am in the world, I will always feel you in my heart, and you’ll always be able to feel me and my love for you, in yours.” He pulled me in for another tight hug, “it’s just that all of that wouldn’t fit.”

  Laughing, I pulled back, taking his face in my tiny hands. I took in every inch of his handsome face, concentrating extra hard on all his features so that I could memorise every little detail.

  "Thank you Davan I love it, truly I do. Please stay safe and come back home. I love you, big brother.”

  “I will. I promise, just you try to stop me." Davan hugged me for a final time before walking towards the transport that would take him away from me. He stopped short of the entry ramp, before turning and calling back, “don’t forget to say goodnight to the moon.”

  That evening after getting ready for bed and saying my prayers, I walked to the window opened the curtains so that I could see the moon shining brightly.

  "Good night moon. Good night mum and dad. Night Dav, I love you.”

  I smiled climbing into bed feeling a little better and a little less alone knowing that wherever he was, Davan was sleeping under the same moon.

  Chapter 2 Hedge

  I was at school a few weeks later lamenting on the tragedy that had become my twelve-year-old life. I was missing my brother like crazy when my friend Lizzy gave me the book on the Law of Attraction.

  “Read this. You need this book," Lizzy said handing me the well-worn book. “This book will seriously change your life.”

  I took the book from Lizzy to be polite. Turning the book over in my hands I looked at the cover sceptically. I couldn't help but wonder how was it possible for a book to make me feel any better? How can a book mend my broken heart? What magical power did the pages hold that could make everything okay again?

  Lizzy had sworn by it saying that it helped her get through her parents’ divorce. Sensing my reluctance, she added “Trust me. It will make things better.”

  With nothing to lose I read the book, then re-read it and then read it again. Lizzy was right. The book did make me feel better. The first thing I learnt was that by ignoring and not dealing with everything that had happened to me was changing me, and not in a healthy way. I was essentially an emotional black-hole sucking the fun and joy out of everything and everyone around me. Acknowledging my unwillingness to deal with my life was a turning point, and I decided that I didn’t want to be stuck in this funk any longer. I was moping around and sighing all the time. I was a black cloud, blocking all the fun, happiness and light out of my life. I was sick of feeling like the human version of Eeyore.

  The book made me realise that the way I had been acting was not living up to the promise that I made to Davan to be strong, brave, and happy and send positive vibes into the universe. No, at that moment I was acting weak, sad and emanating negativity. I was so angry at myself for breaking the promise that I had made to my brother that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without being hit with an overwhelming feeling of self-loathing.

  That night everything changed. I locked myself in my room making lists of everything I wanted out of life, and everything I wanted to change. With my vision board and my list of goals completed, I sat down to plan my amazing new life and how I was going to get there. Nothing was going to stop me. I would make my family proud of me. I would be proud of me, and I would keep the promise I made to Davan.

  I sat on the floor in my room, and for the first time, I acknowledged everything that had happened. I said it all out loud, which somehow made it more real. I allowed myself time to grieve, to really grieve, and cry. I cried harder than I had when my parents died or when we sold the house and even cried harder than when Davan was deployed, and I felt abandoned, because back then I hadn't allowed myself to feel, really feel.

  After my tears dried up and by breathing returned to normal I was surprised by how much better I felt. Why hadn’t I done that before now? I felt so much lighter a
nd happier and finally felt like I could start moving forward.

  So, with that in mind, I planned. I set goals, studied hard and refused to let anyone tell me, ‘no’. I decided that I had no time for negative, drama-filled people and made sure that they exited my life as quickly as they entered. I got rid of everything negative in my life which at the age of twelve was surprisingly, quite a lot.

  I stopped feeling upset about my parent's death and chose to only focus only on their life, love and the happy times we had together. I ceased to feel sorry for myself. So, what, I had to move and change schools, plenty of people did it every single day. My new school was fantastic, and I had made some awesome new friends. I had my very own room that my aunt and uncle had let me decorate however I wanted, and Jaxon had become more of another brother than just my cousin.

  I took control of my life and surrounded myself with happiness, love, laughter and positivity. I became the Queen of Positivity. I was by no means some crazy robotic Stepford Wife all smiles and sunshine all day, every day. I still cried, got angry, felt sad and overwhelmed by all the crappy things that had happened.

  However, now I would limit the amount of time I would spend on those emotions. I would let myself feel the hurt and pain of the negative feelings. I would acknowledge them. I just wouldn’t allow myself to dwell on them. I changed my attitude and the way I viewed the world and took life by the balls. The slight detour from my path after finishing school notwithstanding, by the time I was twenty-eight, I was sure that I had this adulting thing down.

  I used to think that I was slightly superior to those people who were of the same age who didn’t have their shit together. I would feel sorry for them believing that they hadn’t managed to grow up and mature into adulthood.