by Penny Blush
I wanted out of this bathroom.
I wanted out of my PJ’s.
I wanted out of my depressing life.
I just wanted out.
I needed to get out of the house for a while. I needed a change of scenery and some fresh air. Then it hit me, what I needed what I had been missing; I needed to run. I needed the exertion, the blood pumping rhythm and the clarity I received when running. How long had it been since I’d last been for a run? I didn’t even know. I had lost track of time living like a hermit, refusing to step outside, to get dressed and to move on with life.
I slipped quietly out of the bathroom and into Jaxon’s bedroom where my clothes were being kept in a small gym bag, as I had nowhere else to store my paltry possessions. I grabbed what I needed and returned purposefully to the bathroom. I got changed into my clean, fresh smelling running gear. I put on a bra, on purpose, for the first time in over a week.
What? I’ve been living in a pair of PJ pants borrowed from Jaxon, my brother’s massive hoodie, and not leaving the house. Who was going to notice?
Leaving the bathroom, I felt better than I had in weeks. In clean clothes, having washed my face and brushed my teeth, I bounced down the hall on the balls of my feet in my running shoes. Having shoes on my feet after so long of wearing nothing but socks felt funny, squidgy and bouncy and it made me want to run.
The odd sensation of a smile on my face after such a long time made me happy and caused my smile to widen. I had a small feeling of pride in myself. I’d made a conscious decision. I had a plan. I was determined. Okay, so it wasn’t anything major or epically life altering and it was only a small step, but it was a step. A step that I took, me, I had done that, and I didn't need to be dragged kicking and screaming into it. Even though it wasn't an enormous change and all I had done was decide to get dressed and go for a run, it felt good. It felt good to take charge, to make choices and make decisions. I felt a small spark of something resembling hope twinkling to life.
“Hey Jerk-face, I’m going for a run,” I called out, bypassing the lounge, walking into the kitchen to retrieve my phone that had been charging.
For this girl to run, I gotz to have my running beatz!
“Hedge! Cuz, Is that you?!” Jaxon asked in exaggerated shock, making a big deal about rubbing his eyes and blinking like he was trying to figure out if he was seeing things or not. "You… You actually have clothes on. Are you… Are you planning on leaving the house?!” He asked with fake concern on his face looking at his friend, who was sitting on the opposite lounge with his back to me. Jaxon left the couch rushing forward and wrapping me up in a bear hug. "Hedge, sweetie, I think there something is terribly wrong with you." Jaxon placed his palm on my forehead, checking my temperature. "I think you need to see a doctor. Quick Memph! Call an ambulance; it's an emergency!" Fake worry and panic filling his voice.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, struggling to get out of his embrace, slapping his hand off my face.
“What? I’m just in shock. You’re not wearing pyjamas!” Jaxon laughed shifting his hold on me so that I was no longer in a bear hug but a headlock so that he could give me a noogie, making my hair into more of a bird’s nest than it already was.
“E.A.D jerk!” I yelled, shoving at him, extricating myself from his hold and punching him in the arm. I stepped out of the way of his returning love tap.
“Dude, did she just tell you to eat a dick?” Jaxon’s friend asked incredulously his voice wavering as if he was trying not to laugh. A tattooed arm lay across the back of the couch as he looked over the back of his chair at the two of us shoving at each other like squabbling twelve-year-olds. I couldn't see his face, but he seemed a little more relaxed than fifteen minutes ago when he wanted Jax to kick me out.
“Yes, she did,” Jaxon explained, kicking up his heel to hit me in the butt. “Hedge says E.A.D when we have company or small children around, it’s an attempt at being polite,” Jaxon laughed, ducking out of the way of my fist before it connected with his face.
“Have you seen my sunglasses?” I asked ignoring his ongoing ridiculousness. “My sunnies, I need them so I can get out of here, and away from you!” I said shoving him one more time before pulling the untamed chaos that was my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head in a pathetic attempt to control it and make it look vaguely decent.
“Get out of here, cranky pants!” He retaliated by flicking my butt with a tea-towel. “Your sunglasses are on the table near the door.”
“Cheers,” I said, giving him a fist-bump and gathering my things before heading to the door. “I’m out!”
“Hedge, wait for a second,” Jaxon called out. “Shit, sorry man,” he said to his friend and then turning back to me. “I want to properly introduce you to my friend and boss, Memphis Blue. Memphis this is my cousin,” Jaxon sniggered, “Hedge.”
Hedge!? I raised an eyebrow at him. Did he just introduce me to his boss using that stupid nickname? Ugg! Fine, I’ll be polite. I may have taken the first step to getting my shit together, but hey Rome wasn't built in a day!
I just wanted to go for a run, just me, myself and I, the fresh air and some good running tunes. I wasn't ready to be around people just yet, I kinda hate people at the moment. I especially hated Jax who apparently did not understand the massive amount of mental effort it took me just to decide to leave the house.
“Hi, Memphis pleased to meet you,” I called out over my shoulder not bothering to turn around or correct Jaxon by providing my real name. Stepping onto the front porch and slamming the door behind me I effectively ended the conversation.
What? I said I would be polite, not sociable.
Stepping off the porch, I hissed as my vampire eyes caught the first real rays of sun in days. Shoving my sunglasses on and blasting my running playlist, I took off in the direction of the river.
Jaxon’s small home was in the most incredible town. I say town, but it was somewhere between a town and a city. Not as small as a town but not as large as a city. It was the Goldilocks' of towns, not too big, not too small; it was just right.
The Town was split down the middle by a wide, pristine river. The gentle rambling flow of the water kept me company as my feet steadily pounded the gravel path that bordered the river as I quickly found my rhythm. The crisp, fresh air along with the sounds of nature and the smell of eucalyptus in the air invigorated me, and I felt the fog in my brain slowly start lifting.
When Jax said that he had someone coming over, I was initially planning on just hanging out in his room, watching TV or possibly getting some more sleep until he and his friend left. That was the plan until what Memphis said hit a little too close to home stirring me to action. He was right, though, I was a total freeloader, the worst kind of mooch imaginable. I slept all day, stayed up all night watching TV, ate all Jaxon's food and what did I do to repay his kindness for taking me in?
Absolutely nothing.
My parents would be so disappointed in me and the person I became, someone who just didn’t care about anything and who treated Jaxon like crap. God! When did I become this person?
I increased my speed, pumping my arms and legs pushing harder setting a punishing pace. That was exactly what I was doing; I was punishing myself for becoming this pathetic version of myself. Each hit of my feet on the ground was like a mental slap, snapping me out of it. I pushed my run harder and harder until I reached the bridge spanning the river. My muscles were screaming, and my lungs were burning as I brought my run slowly back down to a walk. Slowing my pace, bringing my heart rate and breathing back under control I stood in the middle of the bridge with my hands on my head just breathing and letting my mind wander as I watched water snake its way down the river.
A light bulb switched on in my head; clarity glimmered to life. Control. That’s what I have been missing.
“Holy crap,” I whispered as the realisation hit me.
That is what my problem has been. I had lost control over everything in my life. I fel
t lost and completely out of control. Well not anymore, I thought mentally berating myself. I was not that little kid anymore, bobbing around on my metaphorical lifeboat, aimlessly drifting, without any purpose or direction. That was not who I was anymore, and I hadn't been that person for a very long time. That is not who I am now! I bellowed in my head getting angry at myself. I’m not this pathetic creature with no drive or direction and no reason to get out of bed. The real-me, would not be sitting around waiting for something to happen, wallowing in a blanket of self-pity. No, the real-me, the authentic version of myself, the person I knew that I was would kick Pathetic-me’s ass. Real-me would be going out and making things happen!
What the hell have I been waiting for?
Standing by the steadily flowing river, one realisation after another hit me. Perhaps the water flowing beneath me as I stood on the bridge held magic powers. As the water slipped past it took with it all the negativity and despair that I had been feeling with it. The cleansing waters were washing away the darkness making way for the light.
Having the blinders lifted from my eyes I was finally starting to see more clearly. Waiting, that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been waiting. I’ve been sitting around waiting for someone else to solve all my problems and fix things for me.
What did I expect? Some spiritual all-knowing universal guidance counsellor to knock on the door and say, “Hey there sweetheart, here is your order of a perfect life! Come let me introduce you to your spectacular new job, here is your loving and supportive husband and last, but not least your super talented but humble, un-obnoxious children.”
Yeah, No! That does not happen outside of fairy tales and cocktail induced fantasies. I can’t keep waiting around expecting someone else to fix my problems and then hand me the perfect life. I fix my own damn problems!
Ever since this disastrous chapter in my life began, I have been putting off moving forward because I’ve been waiting. Waiting for someone else to come along and do all the challenging work for me.
Pathetic-me decided at that moment to chime in. I saw a vision of myself looking tired, bedraggled and hopeless, standing shoulders hunched engulfed by an enormous grey hoodie and red flannel PJ pants. Sad, melancholy eyes emanating disparity, with a whining voice echoing in my head.
"But, I can't buy new clothes because I'm waiting to access my bank accounts. I can't access my bank accounts because I'm waiting for my new ID. I can't move out of Jaxon's and into a place of my own because I'm waiting on my insurance claim to settle. It’s hopeless."
Super-positive-me pushed the snivelling voice of Pathetic-me out of my mind. My God, I’ve wasted a lot of time waiting. I've been misusing my time listening to Pathetic-me droning on and on with excuse, after excuse, after excuse. Pathetic-me is not the real me. Pathetic-me is not the authentic version of myself, and I didn't want to be Pathetic-me anymore.
I saw the real me, the strong, powerfully vibrant me standing in front of Pathetic-me.
"You need to go; you have to leave. I don't need you anymore."
The more Super-positive-me spoke, the smaller Pathetic-me became and the stronger I felt.
"I shouldn’t have let you in, in the first place and I shouldn’t have let you take hold. I am done with being sad; I am done feeling sorry for myself. You need to leave. You are not me. I am not you. I am taking back control, and you no longer hold any power over me."
At super-positive me's final words Pathetic-me, disappeared in a cloud of golden glitter and the gloom I was feeling dissolved, and the warmth of hope spread throughout my soul.
Holy Epiphany Batman!
Suddenly I felt lighter, stronger and more powerful. It was as if admitting it to myself, calling myself out on my own pathetic bullshit, accepting that the cause of all the ‘waiting' was me, lifted an immense weight that I hadn't known that I had been carrying around.
“Well not anymore!” I said aloud, startling some unsuspecting ducks who took off as I looked out over the water steadily moving down the river, progressing, moving forward. I stood up taller with my hands on my hips. In my mind, I could see a superhero cape unfurl from the back of my tank-top and billow behind me in the breeze, patriotic music blasting from unseen speakers lifting my spirits.
That’s more like it! I am a strong, confident person who takes life by the balls and kicks it in the ass! I started chanting to myself the old mantra that I hadn’t had to use since I was a kid.
Acknowledge. Accept. Move on. I am strong.
Acknowledge. Accept. Move on. I am strong.
Acknowledge. Accept. Move on. I am strong.
I acknowledged that the only one who can fix my life is me. I accept that I am going to have to make changes in my life for any transformation to occur. I can now move on and make things happen. I will become stronger for the experience.
Feeling empowered and more like my unicorn sparkly self, thanks to my riverside epiphany, I queued up AC/DC ‘For those about to Rock!’ and took off back towards Jaxon’s home.
Running felt good, I hadn't realised how much I missed my daily runs, being a couch potato was no good for my mind, body or soul. Getting back into running is something that I could change immediately, and best of all it’s free!
My mind and my thoughts cleared as I made my way back to the house. I say house, but really, it’s an old miner’s cottage. When Jaxon had brought me with him for a walk through to provide a second opinion, I fell in love with the place on sight. The house resembled a postage stamp on an envelope, a tiny home resting on a massive block of land. The previous owners were a gorgeous elderly couple, and they had treated the cottage like a palace. A freshly painted white picket fence lined the front of the property, with a little entry gate that opened onto a flower bed lined path to the front porch. Jaxon had added a double carport connected to the porch, which he extended when he moved in. I had convinced him that the porch needed to be big enough to accommodate a swing so that he – I mean me – could sit drink in hand and watch the sun set over the river across the road.
It was the perfect first home for my bachelor-life-loving cousin. The home had two bedrooms. One bedroom, the smaller of the two was currently overflowing with all Jaxon's boxes he had yet to unpack since moving in twelve months ago, hence me sleeping on the couch.
Although the cottage was dated, it was well maintained. The six-foot tall fences were as straight as the day they were erected. The clapboard siding clean and tidy, the kitchen and bathroom both sporting light olive green early 70's fixtures, that were so well maintained they looked brand new. It honestly appeared like the house had been frozen in time and was only months old, not decades.
Jaxon's place was cute, and Jaxon did not do cute unless it was of the female variety. As much as Jax loved his home, he had plans on building onto the house at a later stage, making it big enough for a manly man to live in (his words not mine), but as for right now, it met his needs.
Going for a run had done exactly what I had hoped it would do; it cleared my mind and allowed me to think clearly. Running gave me a mental and spiritual boost, making me happy. An hour later I arrived back at the house, my neglected muscles sporting a welcome ache. Despite being sore, I felt invigorated and full of energy.
I am taking back control of my life; things are going to get better from here on in. I had a plan, and things were going to change ASAP.
I am going to get my sparkle back!
Chapter 7 Hedge
“Jaxon, Jax! Hey Jax, are you home?” I called out, walking into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Closing the fridge door, I saw a note pinned to it, under a snowman magnet.
Hedge,
Memphis and I have gone out for a bit will be back later with pizza.
Try to clean a space on the coffee table for when we get back.
Don’t strain yourself, though☺ Love ya guts
Jax
Sweet, I have the place to myself for a while, but on the downside, he's bringing his super judgy, jerk of a f
riend back with him. The guy had known me for all of five minutes and had already decided that I was a useless, no good, mooching slob, the Jerk!
Hang on a minute I thought, shaking myself; hadn't I just done the same thing? Hadn't I just decided based on a five-minute interaction and a few words that he was a jerk?
Judgy-Pot, meet Judgy-Kettle.
"Okay self, that's enough," I said out loud, looking at my reflection in the glass of the microwave. "You are turning this around as of right now. You are going to shed the drab coat of negativity and self-pity, and you are going to embrace the light of hopeful positivity."
I started laughing at my reflection, “God you sound like some dodgy self-help book.”
Talking to Microwave-me, I laughed harder, “Oh, my God, now you’re talking to yourself. You have officially gone off the deep end!”
Coming down from my fit of the giggles, I thought back on my behaviour from earlier and the conversation between Jaxon and his friend. If I were Jaxon, I would have been embarrassed to introduce my slobby ass to his boss. Based on my behaviour Memphis had every right to judge me. I mean, I was a total brat. I didn’t even introduce myself properly. My parents and then my aunt and uncle had raised me better than that. Instead of behaving like a well-mannered adult, what did I do? I snarled and stomped around the place before storming off to hide out in the bathroom. I didn't even look at Memphis. I barely acknowledged his existence.
All I knew about the man was that he was very tall, broad and his voice was all rumbling, growly and deep and, it made my skin tingle. In hindsight, though, that just could have been the sudden rush of blood to the head due to the change in blood pressure from being vertical for the first time in days.
After re-reading Jaxon's note, I looked around the house with fresh eyes and what I saw was anything but fresh. There was leftover food in bowls and on plates, half-drunk coffee cups, beer cans and shot glasses littered every available flat surface and a few not so flat ones. There was an enormous pile of blankets and clothes on the couch that no longer resembled a lounge but more like an unmade bed.
