by Penny Blush
How had Jaxon let me get this bad? How had I, let it get this bad?! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a clean freak. Oh, okay who am I kidding? I’m a Virgo, so that makes me genetically a total neat freak! But Jesus this was just wrong. Jaxon's bright, cute home felt ugly and depressing.
Why did the place look so dark?
Why did the atmosphere in here feel so oppressive?
Why did everything feel so grimy?
And what the hell was that smell?
Why hadn't I noticed before?
I don't know how Jaxon has put up with me. I totally agree with Memphis; I would have kicked me out by now! I was angry and disgusted with myself.
Right! Time for operation ‘stop being a slob’ to commence.
I mentally removed my coat of negativity and with my unicorn sparkle superhero cape well in place; I wirelessly connected my phone to the house-wide sound system. I pushed play on my ‘Getting my Clean On’ playlist and set to work. Queen’s, ‘I want to break free’ started playing as I made my way around the house throwing open every curtain and window including the back sliding-glass doors to get some fresh air flowing through the musty smelling house.
Singing away, I decided I need to epically apologise to Jax for being such a shitty house guest and cleaning up after myself was a good place to start. I commenced cleaning, determined to have this place sparkling, fresh and clean by the time Jax got back. I hit the place like a Tasmanian devil-style Mary Poppins, just less magical and destructive. It was a good thing that I had the place to myself; if there had been other people here, they would have been caught up in my cleaning frenzy.
Once I started, I couldn’t stop, I was a cleaning machine. Jaxon is not a slob by any means and is quite clean by ‘boy’ standards, but he’s not ‘Virgo’ clean!
Scrubbing the bathroom, I started making a mental list of everything I needed to do to set the derailed train that was my life back on track. That made me think of everything I needed to buy to replace what the fire ruined, which made me think of shopping, which made me happy.
Singing and dancing while working made the time fly and the cleaning easier. Putting the dishwasher on, I set about cleaning the disaster that was the kitchen. I’m one of those weird people who loves, to clean. I find it very cathartic and found that cleaning the house helped to cleanse my soul. The more the house sparkled, so did my soul.
Cinderella had nothing on me as I cleaned the house top to toe. Scrubbing the oven, cleaning out the fridge, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, disinfecting all while singing and dancing as I went. The more I achieved, the more like my normal, happy, accomplished self I felt.
By the time I finished, every surface was sparkling - no longer cluttered.
The home smelled clean and fresh – no longer stale and dank. Every room flooded with light and happiness – no longer dark and full of self-pity.
Once I had made sure that I had put clean towels in the bathroom, I walked into the lounge room looking around at the total transformation. The room that a few hours ago, seemed so tiny and cluttered was now clean, tidy and looked a lot bigger.
I was exhausted but happy, and I had a huge smile on my face and hope in my heart. I stood with my hands on my hips looking up at the now dust-free gleaming ceiling fan thinking if I could fix the unimaginable mess that Jaxon's home was in, I could repair the mess that was my life.
Lifting my hands up to push a wayward hair out of my face I caught a whiff of myself. Good Lord! Between my run, cleaning and just generally being a slob, I had worked up a proper stink.
“Ewww! Okay, time for a shower," I said talking to myself aloud.
I walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower. I stripped off and stepped into the soothing, steamy water and gave myself a thorough clean. I let the hot soapy water wash away not only the sweat and dirt but also the last of my negativity.
Chapter 8 Hedge
Stepping out of the shower I wrapped a soft, clean towel around my body and inhaled the fresh smell of clean laundry. I looked at myself in the mirror and was shocked by what I saw. It had only been a few hours since I had been in this exact position looking in the same mirror except now I saw an entirely different person.
Looking at myself, I was encouraged by the small amount of progress I had made in a few short hours. My dull, lifeless looking skin was now flushed pink and glowed from the hot shower. My messy hair now clean and shiny although a little dry, and my once dull eyes although tired, were now bright and full of life.
It was not exactly a movie-montage makeover, but it was a vast improvement. I could see the outline of my former self-starting to peek through in the person I saw in the mirror. Now that I had started to rediscover who I am, it wouldn't take long to start to colour in the outline, bringing to life the person that I wanted to be. I wasn't entirely sure who that person was going to be, but I was excited to find out.
I looked again at my hair, and I decided to take the first step to rediscovering my new fabulous self. Moving forward didn't need to be a big bold, dramatic statement that everyone would notice; after all, I was doing this for myself and no one else. The only person I had to impress was me, and I don't impress easily. I had to pull out all the stops to woo myself and sweep me off my feet. I have to make me fall in love with myself all over again. Wrapped in a fluffy towel, I wondered into the kitchen to gather the ingredients needed to make a treatment for my poor neglected hair.
I mashed up an avocado with an egg in a bowl. The rich vitamins in the avocado along with the essential fatty acids and minerals will help to restore the lustre and softness to my hair. While leaning against the kitchen bench mixing the egg and avocado together into a smooth paste, I spied a banana. Since I was going to be putting a treatment on my hair, I figured that I would do the same for my face. I split the avocado egg mixture into two bowls and added half a banana to one of the bowls. After digging around until I found the pastry brush that Jax bought that I knew he hadn't used, I gathered everything up and wandered back into the bathroom.
I stood at the vanity, applying the treatment to my hair and brushing the mask onto my face, humming along to the unique sound of Colin Hay singing ‘Waiting for my real life to begin’ that was floating through the speakers.
“Oh-My-God!” I cried aloud as the realisation hit me.
That is what I’ve been doing. I’ve been living in the past. I’ve been letting myself become so consumed by all the shitty things that have happened to me letting the waves of misfortune crash down on me until I felt so beaten down and broken that I couldn’t and didn’t want to get up again.
The last couple of months I’ve been living a life that wasn’t mine. I’ve been waiting for my real life to begin, a life that I could be proud of and that would make me happy.
This afternoon, down by the river I realised that I had been waiting for someone else to step in, take things out of my hands and make things better. It seems that the universe wanted me to sit up and pay attention to the message that it was sending me. Because I was stubbornly ignoring my very special message from the universe, it was left with no choice but to begin beating me over the head with it.
Buoyed by my sudden revelation, I looked up at my reflection, looking myself in the eye. “No more waiting for your real life to begin. Your real life starts now!” I declared aloud, then catching the sight of the bathtub in the mirror, I looked back at my reflection and added, "Nobody said that I had to start my real life straight away, I am sure it won’t mind waiting until after a bubble bath,” I winked at my reflection.
Filling the bath with plenty of vanilla scented bubbles, I moaned happily, as I sank deep into the warm water. Inhaling contentedly, I let the bath salts, hair and face masks work their magic and melting into blissful relaxation.
Real life can start tomorrow.
I must have fallen asleep, lulled by the warm sudsy water because suddenly the water was cold. I rinsed off the treatments and myself, getting out of the bath, dressing again
in some fresh clean but borrowed clothing.
Feeling well and truly relaxed and revitalised, I decided to let my hair dry naturally. Even though it was early evening the sun was still up, and the temperature was still pleasantly warm, it wouldn't take my hair long to dry, and it would have a nice wave to it.
Feeling lighter and happier, I strolled into the kitchen getting myself a well-deserved Spiced Rum and cola, I took up my regular position at the kitchen bench looking out into the back yard. I was sick of being in my self-imposed indoor seclusion and idea crept into my head making me smile. I walked out into the backyard, and took a deep cleansing breath of the early evening air, watching the sun disappear below the horizon. I made the executive decision that when Jax got home, we would hang out together outside having pizza and drinks under the stars and I would apologise for being such a brat.
The evening was still warm but would turn chilly once the sun finally said goodnight. Wanting to stay outside enjoying the fresh air, I busied myself setting up the fire pit and spacing the Adirondack beach chairs out around it. I watched the sun dip below the tree line, the cricket's serenading me with their evening lullaby. The sky glittering to life as the stars came out to play and the moon rose in the heavens.
“Hi Guys,” I said looking at the shadowed face on the surface of the moon, “it’s been awhile, I’m sorry about that.”
I try to make time to speak with my family via the moon a few times a week, but I had been so deeply submerged in my own self-loathing that I forgot what was important to me. Talking to my family was something that I needed to fix immediately.
“I don’t know if you guys know what’s been going on with me but I’ve had a pretty shitty run of it lately,” smiling sadly I wandered back into the kitchen to grab another drink and a spare for good measure.
Settling back into my chair, I continued. "So, the cliff-notes are, my best friend and boss betrayed me, my apartment burnt down and my boyfriend has been fucking my best friend. So, all in all, things haven't been great. I wish with all my heart that you guys were here. I need you."
I sat quietly for a while, slowly sipping my drink, not thinking just breathing. Sighing, I finished my drink crushing the can and dropping it on the grass by my chair.
"Mum, dad I really could use some sage advice right now. I know you guys would be able to help me see the lesson in all of this and help me see my path." A tear slid down my cheek as I admitted out loud to my parents and myself that I was, positively lost. "I've wandered off my path; I need help to find my way back again."
I leant my head on the back of my chair, staring up at the stars, choosing to believe that my family was looking down on me and that they knew that I was here and needing their help. I sat silently for a while tracking a blinking satellite across the sky.
"Dav, I really could use a hug right now."
A sob escaped me. Just one that is all that I would let slip my control, that's all I would allow. I am ready to be finished with feeling sad and crying all the time, and I'm eager to now finally move on.
"Can you guys do me a favour?" I asked looking at the moon.
I smiled at the warm sensation that was spreading throughout my soul. I'd like to think that the warm feeling was the spirit of my family wrapping around me, comforting me.
"Can you guys please send me a sign so that I know that you're around that you're watching over me? That you're still here. Please?" The only answer that came was the cricket’s song. "I love you guys."
I must have spaced out, losing track of time as I sat curled up in my chair watching the dancing flames and listening to the sounds of nature's' Symphony and the crackle of burning wood because next thing I knew my drink was empty.
“Hedge, we’re home,” Jax announced.
“Dude, are you sure we’re in the right house?” I heard Memphis ask.
“Where are you? Did you get abducted by aliens?”
“Out here,” I called back hearing the front door thud closed.
“Thank you, sweet baby Jesus!”
I looked over my shoulder, to see Jaxon standing in the kitchen a look of complete shock on his face. I watched my cousin spin slowly around in a circle, a pizza box in one hand, a beer in the other and huge smile on his face.
"Hey Cuz," Jaxon said, walking out the back door, delivering the pizza box to me and dropping a kiss on the top of my head he took the seat beside me. "I see Hedge is gone and that her mess went with her,” he said smiling at me. “Good to see you’re back!”
"Ha, ha hilarious you ass," I replied, returning his smile.
I dug into the pizza box retrieving a slice. I let out an appreciative moan as my taste buds exploded to life. I think living like a slob had dulled my senses especially my taste buds because this was the best chicken and bacon pizza I had ever eaten in my whole life. Taking another bite, I then found the little extra surprise that I knew Jax had done just for me. I moaned again as sweetness exploded on my tongue.
“Do you and that slice need a moment alone?” Jax asked laughing at me.
“I fink, umm, un lub," I said around a mouth full of pizza.
“What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of you making love to your food."
Laughing, I corrected, "I said, 'I think I'm in love.' Thanks for adding pineapple Jax," I swiped at a wayward string of cheese on my chin.
"See Memphis; you're not the only weirdo who likes pineapple on your pizza. Hedge here would put pineapple on everything if she could," Jax said to Memphis as he came out to the fire with a drink in his hand.
“Pineapple lover hey?” he asked, as he walked past me.
As Memphis walked past his relaxed, carefree walk gave me a view of his spectacular ass and thighs clad in dark denim. My eyes travelled up looking over the broad expanse of his back covered by a tight black tee, his longish dark hair covered by a light grey slouch beanie. I have never seen a sexier rear view of a man in my life. If this is what he looked like walking away, I could only imagine what he looked like from the front.
“Um-hum,” I replied around a mouth full of pizza.
His long legs carried him away from me in a slow, smooth swagger. That was the only way to describe his walk it was a swagger, a beer bottle hanging loosely from his fingertips, a carefree aura rolling off him in waves.
“Hedge is an unusual name,” Memphis said, plopping down into the beach chair on the other side of the small fire pit. “Please tell me your parents didn't hate you that much that they consciously chose to call you Hedge.”
Dragging my thoughts away from his ass, I asked. “What’s wrong with the name ‘Hedge’,” my voice laced with false indignation.
“There’s nothing wrong with the name ‘Hedge’ if that is your actual name. It's just that you don't seem like a ‘Hedge' is all," Memphis replied.
“And what exactly does a ‘Hedge’ look like?” I asked
“About four feet high, thick and green,” Jaxon replied, laughing at his own joke.
“I like the name ‘Hedge’,” I said, feeling defensive towards the nickname my cousin had given me when we were kids.
“No Dude, that’s not her name,” Jaxon laughed. “She wishes her name was as cool as Hedge,” he said, ducking the empty drink can that I threw, aiming for his head.
“I don’t get it,” Memphis sounded confused. “Why do you call her Hedge, if that’s not her name?”
"I started calling her ‘Hedge" when we were little. Whenever she was sad or cranky, she would take off, and I would find her hidden in a tunnel in the hedges. So, whenever she was in a mood I'd call her Hedge," Jaxon shrugged like it was the most normal thing in the world. "Buuut I have been calling her Hedge lately because, for the last few months she’s looked like she has been dragged backwards through a hedge," Jaxon finished cracking up at his joke dodging a punch to his shoulder.
“My ever-loving cousin has called me Hedge for most of my life, so I’m used to it,” I shrugged. “But it kind of fits for other reasons
now. I have been a little bedraggled lately. Trust me I'm ordinarily a lot better put together."
I watched Memphis, his image warped through the flames, for what I don’t know, judgement, maybe. I still hadn’t gotten a good look at him, but I could tell by his flame distorted outline and the view from behind that he was tall and broad, but I couldn't tell if his body was stacked with muscle or if he was just a solid guy.
What I had been able to figure out so far was that his voice was hazardous to my hormones. Oh-My-God that voice is delicious! I mean seriously I could listen to his voice all day, this guy should read audio books for a living.
His rumbling voice was so deep, smooth and warm it could melt chocolate or my panties if I let it. Which I totally would not! Let's face it until I could access my bank account my underwear was in limited supply, plus I've just gotten out of a relationship, and besides, I am not a one-night-stand kind of girl.
I stood shaking myself out of my thoughts of his ultra-sexy voice and asked, "I'm getting another drink; you guys need anything? Jax, are you good?”
"Good," he replied, pulling a beer out of the pocket of his cargo shorts saluting me with it.
