Omnibus: The Know-It-All, The Year of Living Biblically, My Life as an Experiment
Page 86
I’m especially grateful to my family, who instilled in me Judeo-Christian values (without the explicity Judeo-Christian parts): my parents, my sister, her husband, Willy, and my grandfather. Also thanks to my aunts Kate and Marti, who may be on opposite ends of the theological spectrum, but who are both wonderful people.
And, of course, thank you to Julie, my beshert. And to my sons, Jasper, Zane, and Lucas.
Index
Aaron
abominations, see specific sins and forbidden items
abortion issue
biblical support sought by each side in
creationists on
Abraham
near sacrifice of Isaac by
as one of history’s most diligent hosts
pioneering circumcisions of
Sarah’s late pregnancy
accomplished by
Sodom’s fate negotiated by
starting the day with
wife introduced to Pharaoh as sister of
Absalom
fatal hairstyle of
Acts of the Apostles:
on abstaining from blood
on blessedness of giving
Adam: creation of
God’s concern about solitude of
God’s first command to
Adam and Eve:
AJ’s probable punishment of
(moving up their bedtime, maybe a stern warning, etc.)
creationist questioned about
“family of man” as descending from
vegetarianism of
see also Eden, Garden of; Eve
Adam’s etrog
adoration, prayers of
adulterers, adultery
committed by just looking lustfully
Israelite concept of
polygamy vs.
stoning (or severely pebbling) of,
trial and humane execution of
in Upper West Side
see also specific adulterers
agnosticism
AIDS:
circumcision seen reducing risk of
leprosy in Jesus’ time compared with
airport security, El Al, beard and bar mitzvah among issues at
Aish HaTorah
Al-Aqsa Mosque
Alba, Jessica, in stash-away magazine pile
Albright, Madeleine, speaking fee of
alcohol, Bible’s uncertain stance on
Allen, Woody, on what the heart wants
“Amazing Grace,”
Amazon.com
American Bible Society, Bible study class in back room of
Amish
idolatry avoided by
jokes and singing of
Old and New Testaments followed by
Ordnung obeyed by
religion peacefully evolving among
Rollerblading and baseball observed among
Ammon, incestuous and probable spelean conception of
Amos, on justice
Anderson, Pamela, icebreaker role of
Angier, Natalie, on Bible’s X-rated language
animals, kindness to see also food
animal sacrifice
allowed only in Jerusalem Temple
ancient relevance of
Christian nullification of
discussed near ritual chickens awaiting their moment
of Passover lamb
of perfect red heifer
Samaritans abiding with
of scapegoat
Third Temple to bring restoration of
animal skins, Adam and Eve clothed in
Answers in Genesis (AiG)
book shop of
giving benefit of the doubt to
Antichrist, planning for arrival of
Antiochus
anti-Trinitarianism
Apocalypse
AJ and his father glimpsed during
how near we may be to
literalist vs. allegorical view of
why the red heifer is a key to
Apocrypha
Ark of the Covenant
Armageddon, expected on schedule or sooner
Armstrong, Karen
Arquette, David, suppressing cheap joke at expense of
atheists, ingathering of
ATM machines:
making rude gestures at
urban “harvesting” equated with making withdrawals from
Baal cults, temptation of
Babylonian rule, prophetic messages on
Bachman, Andy
AJ urged to read the Prophets by
bad-mouthing, permissible types of
bar mitzvahs:
thematic flights at
zoning out at
bathing, sexual activity followed with
bathroom going, outdoor, directionality in
bathroom Sabbath
falling doorknob syndrome as cause of
outside world as oblivious to
as “sanctuary in time,”
bat mitzvah, epiphanic dancing at
Christian view of
indie record producer phase of
as itchy and uneven on day seven
professorial phase of
Rosario Dawson as fan of
summary of woes ascribed to
traumatic removal of
“under or over the covers,”
unexpected directions taken by
unjust demotion in soup kitchen caused by
when 60 percent of AJ’s face was covered by
beards
Amish
ex-uncle’s colloquy on
beds, unclean, avoidance of
being fruitful and multiplying
avoiding topic of
as Bible’s Alpha Rule
failed attempts at
IVF seen as way to go in
Malthusian issue in
as moral imperative
uncommon literal interpretation of
see also fertility; pregnancy; twins
Bennett, Roger
AJ advised on surrendering control by
Bentley, Wes
Berkowitz, Mr. (Bill)
AJ chided for missing prayers by
AJ’s alarming lies to
doing commandments loved by
guided through a properly devout day by
learning how to separate a mother pigeon from her egg with
offering (potentially) nonkosher water to
ready-made rituals favored by
on rights vs. responsibilities
shatnez testing demonstrated by
shofar lessons also given by
spiritual questions fielded by
as totally religious (doesn’t straddle both worlds)
bestiality
Bible:
alcohol-friendly theology sought in
apocalypse sections of
atheist’s confrontational approach to
authorship issues of
baffling and federally outlawed rules of; see also Most Perplexing Rules; rules, biblical circumcision a huge part of
“clobbered” antigay passages in
committing idolatry in
December holidays not conspicuous in
dysfunctional father-son stories in
an estimated three thousand versions of
fundamentalism vs. modernism on
as history’s most mistranslated text
see also mistranslations, biblical importance vs. unworthiness of humans in
Jubilee year of
living and dying alone not a major theme in
more than seven hundred rules found in
needy aided through financial laws of
Bible
passages to be remembered in
references to the poor in
serving God, not self-help, as the point of
sheep and shepherd references in
as snapshot of something divine
status-quo vs. liberation motif in
weights and measures a s
ignificant topic in
Wikipedia compared with
wisdom and barbarism of
see also Hebrew Bible; New Testament; Old Testament; Torah; specific books
“Bible Is Pro-Choice, The,”
Bible project
cognitive-dissonance strategy in
conceiving of
God’s approval sought for
Julie informed about
mental breakdown feared in final stretch of
near-universal worries about
Perez-Zerah story as metaphor of
preparing groundwork for
pretending vs. being a better person in
settling on Bible version for
as a solitary mission, paradoxically
splitting up the testaments in
uncontrolled joy at end of controlled experiment
Bibles
for easily embarrassed subway riders
inadvertently pilfered exgirlfriend’s Revised Standard Version of
King James Version of (1611)
return of inadvertently pilfered ex-girlfriend’s Revised Standard Version of
statistics on
waterproof (for diluvian events)
biblical astronomers
biblical library, orderly classification of AJ’s books in
biblical literalism:
in Bible project
body parts potentially lost to
in disciplining
in evangelical Christianity
extremely brief history of
in the Jacob and Esau story
logos vs. mythos in
miraculous events and
“original intent” sought as test for
of Passover seders
picking and choosing in, see cafeteria religion pointed and amusing critiques of
potential risks in
pro-choice and pro-life claims of support in
of Red-letter Christians
Samaritan-style
of the ultimate type
U.S. policies shaped by
Big Love,
binding:
of commandments
of Isaac in near sacrifice
of money to hand
see also tefillin
bird-headed humans, image makers’ loophole found in
bird’s nest ritual
getting the mother to take off in
how God might look upon this arcane exercise
kosher bird required for (urban pigeons qualify)
birds you can’t eat
birthdays, ignored by Witnesses
Blair, Ralph:
Bible’s allegedly antigay passages parsed by
at Bob Jones U.
gay evangelical study group conducted by
pleasingly shrinkish looks of
Blake, William, on biblical ambiguities
blasphemers, blasphemy
capital punishment for
blessings:
mixed, twins as
for obedience to God
Bob Jones University
Bob the Builder,
body parts, missing
Bono, Jubilee movement given boost at NPB by
Book TV (C-Span)
Borg, Marcus
on “natural literalists,”
on prophetic acts
Borowski, Oded, on primitive tefillin
Bossman, David, on biblical-era groupiness
Boteach, Shmuley (third most famous) Orthodox Jew)
Bourdain, Anthony, highly rated on AJ’s coveting list
Boyd, Gregory
brontosauruses, juvenile but orderly
Brown, Dan
Brown University
Bruckheimer, Jerry
Bryan, William Jennings
Darrow’s exchange with
BUFF (Brothers United for Future Foreskins)
Bugs Bunny, creationist blacklisting of
Bullock, Clyde, “The Rod” formerly sold by
Bush, George W.
cafeteria religion
AJ’s version of
extending the metaphor of
as picking and choosing
Cain and Abel, vegetarian fellowship of
Calvin, John
Campolo, Tony
on not keeping your millions
Canaanites, God-approved genocide against
capital punishment, biblical
for adultery
for being bad
for bestiality
for blasphemy
for hitting parents
for homosexuality
for incest, Sabbath breaking, and shiftlessness
Catholic Church, Catholicism:
biblical interpretation in
coveted rituals of
Deuterocanonical works in
IVF denounced by
Old Testament version of
stance on polygamy of
celibacy, as first choice of the holy
Central Park (West Side of)
elderly adulterer stoned by Esquire editor in
ex-uncle as onetime moveless guru of
Chariots of Fire,
Charity Navigator website
Chasid Shote (righteous idiot)
chickens, ritual
above-the-head twirl of
best way to grab hold of
gender-oriented division of
painless dispatch and final destination of, see also kaparot
choice, restrictions on
Chris (Bible salesman)
Christian Bible, see New Testament; specific books
Christian literalists:
Bible’s figurative language acknowledged by
conservative politics of
doctrinal gradations of
Jewish method of exegesis vs.
in Scopes “monkey trial,”
see also biblical literalism; creationism; Creationist Museum; fundamentalists
Christian right
Christians, Christianity:
Cafeteria,”
effect of creationism on
“moral” vs. “ritual laws” distinguished by
Old Testament relevance as viewed among
original intent in biblical interpretation of
polygamy in
traditional laws and observances discontinued by
Christians, conservative
AJ’s undertaking baffling to
Christian Scientists
“Christian” tattoo parlors
Christmas:
Bible not informative about
Witnesses’ ignoring of
Chronicles, Second Book of, on yielding to the Lord
Church of God with Signs Following
Christian literalism and spontaneity in
copperhead handled and returned to its box in
hypnotic effects of
speaking in tongues at
the strange is made familiar in
Church of the Holy Sepulchre
circumcision:
as AJ’s heritage
biblical importance of
demands for reversal of
of Jacobs boys
on list of Most Perplexing Rules
medical benefits seen in
primitivity and tradition of
sensation reportedly blunted by
CleanFlicks
ClearPlay, list of sins and sexual modalities downloaded from
Clooney, George, bloviater’s cadenza on
clothes:
with accessories, for field work
for Adam and Eve
all white, see white garments of Amish
of ex-uncle Gil
forbidden, see forbidden clothes in gay stereotype
how they make the man
for P. Diddy’s birthday respectfulness as AJ’s new standard in
for seders
wearing tassels on corners of
worries about mixed fibers in, see shatnez
cognitive dissonance
Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Bible, The,
computers, biblical permissibility of
conception:
ancients preoccupied with
in IVF
see also being fruitful and multiplying; fertility; pregnancy
confession, prayers of
Constitution, U.S., finding original intent of
Coral Ridge Hour, The,
Corinthians, First Epistle to:
on covering of women’s heads
on hair length
on love recording no wrongs
women in church admonished to keep silent by
coveting
of charity CEOs
a few things worthy of
finer points of
Covington, Dennis, on serpent handlers
cows:
in biblical times
kosher issues when cheese is made from enzyme in stomachs of
purification by one that is red and perfect
see also red heifer unsolved murder as occasion for breaking neck of
cow’s milk, goat’s milk as replacement of
creationism
on age of earth
astonishing mental gymnastics of
far-right fundamentalists in
feeling of being less inconsequential taught by
meaning of “day” in
moderation in
on racism
Creationist Museum
astrophysicist of
awesome lobby of
pop culture monitored at
Crocodile Dundee (movie)
Crown Heights:
eighteenth-century life still seen in
experiencing kaparot in
subway to Hasidim of
why bottled water is a winner in
see also Hasidic Jews
cud-chewing debate
Daily Life in Biblical Times (Borowski)
Daly City, Calif., Karaites living in
dancing:
with Hasidim
of King David, uptight wife’s ill-fated reaction to
at Natalia’s bat mitzvah
Daniel, Book of, on God protecting the nearly martyred faithful
Darfur, aid to
Darrow, Clarence
Darwin, Charles:
AJ’s unforgettable factoid about
Noah’s ark in disconnect with theory of
David, King
Absalom and
harps inspired by
Nathan’s parable on Bathsheba and Uriah heard by
progeny of
rock hurling learned while shepherding by
wardrobe malfunction during dance of
wives of
David, Larry
David (cousin)
David (Esquire colleague)
David (friend)
David (Israeli) tithing tried on
David (Julie’s friend)
Da Vinci Code, The (Brown)
Davis, Kenneth C.
Dawkins, Richard
Dawson, Rosario, interview with
Dead Sea Scrolls