The Hungry Dragon Cookie Company

by L. G. Estrella

Gerald’s mouth opened and closed. “Yes,” he said at last. “To both questions. I think.”

  “Okay…” Timmy patted him on the back. “We’ll, uh, talk about this more when we get back to the castle.” He lifted his shovel. “I’ve got a snake to kill, and I’d better do it before Avraniel starts throwing fire everywhere and turns it to ash.”

  Timmy flicked his shovel, and a rock the size of Gerald’s head lanced through one of the snake’s eyes and deep into its brain. The giant reptile gave one last ponderous groan and then flopped onto the ground. Gerald stared. The next time Spot and the others dragged him off on a hunting expedition, he was going to demand they bring Timmy.

  “Did you see that, Spot?” Avraniel shouted as the dragon and the three-headed dog arrived on the scene. “You need to aim for the weak spots. Your fire isn’t as hot as it will be one day, and old snakes like this are tough. I should know. I’ve killed a few of the bastards in my time.”

  The dragon nodded attentively and then bared his teeth. Food?

  “Not this time,” Katie said, using her shadows to glide over to the snake’s corpse. She made a face as her clogs sank into the earth soaked in its blood. “We’re turning him into a zombie.”

  Gerald finally allowed himself to relax. He was now reasonably sure that he would make it through the day in one piece.

  * * *

  Mr Sparkles settled back down into his favourite spot. It had been a very interesting day, but it was getting close to nightfall. He could still move around at night, especially if he was hungry, but he was well fed, well watered, and he had chosen a spot with excellent soil. As he began to doze off, the last thing he was aware of was Spot curling up to their carer and Chomp as the elf began to tell them about some of the giant snakes she’d fought in the past.

  * * *

  “I’ve spoken to the rats,” Timmy said. “The next time you get dragged off on a hunting expedition, they’ll come straight to me.”

  Gerald breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. I appreciate it.” He glanced over at the massive snake that filled most of one of the laboratories that Timmy and Katie shared. “What are you going to do with the snake? Katie mentioned a few things but…”

  “We got lucky,” Timmy murmured. The necromancer’s expression was thoughtful. “Based on its size and its teeth, it’s been eating people and who knows what else for centuries now. We found some treasure in its burrow, which you’ll get a share of.”

  “Treasure?” Gerald asked. “Like… the way dragons hoard things?”

  “No, not exactly.” Timmy chuckled. “Dragons hoard treasure because they know how much it’s worth. I think the snake just took whatever was shiny.” He led Gerald to a table with a large map on it. “Its burrow connects to an elaborate series of tunnels and other chambers. I’ve noticed a few of them over the years, but there are a lot more of them than I thought.” He smiled ruefully. “I never had the time to map them when my master was alive, and I’ve been busy ever since he died. However, I’ve got the rats mapping them out now, and I’ll give them a hand whenever I can although I’ll let them handle most of it. My magic might tell me the general layout and shape of the tunnels, but the rats can tell us what they’re like for someone travelling on foot.”

  “What are you going to do after you’ve mapped them?”

  “First of all, we need to make sure that there aren’t any nasty surprises waiting for us in there. Where there’s one snake…”

  “There could be more.” Gerald shuddered. Just one giant snake had been more than enough for him.

  “Once we’ve explored the tunnels and secured them, we’ll probably build a facility down there.”

  “A facility?”

  “The things that live underneath the castle come in handy a lot of the time, but their power interferes with a lot of things too. Having somewhere else to conduct certain experiments and rituals would be nice, and the rats have been thinking of expanding for weeks now. You’d be amazed by how extensive the tunnels are too. If we can secure them and build a proper transportation system, similar to what the dwarves use to get around their mines, we’d be much more mobile than we are now.”

  Gerald gulped. “Mobile?”

  Timmy chuckled softly. “Gerald, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t plan on leaving the castle unless I retire and buy a nice, cosy cottage somewhere. This place is my home. But if, somehow, it gets taken from me, the odds are that it will involve a huge army and multiple mages on par with members of the Council. If that day ever comes, I plan on living. Those tunnels will make escaping a lot easier, and they’ll also give us a way to strike at anyone who tries to lay siege to the castle without exposing the castle itself to harm.”

  Gerald shuddered. “I really hope it never comes to that.”

  “So do I, Gerald. So do I.”

  “But about the snake,” Gerald said. “Katie mentioned something about salamanders and frost giants…”

  “We’re definitely going to turn it into a zombie,” Timmy said. “Despite how big it is, adding the right salamander parts in the right quantities will basically give it the same powers as a salamander only much, much larger. Likewise, frost giant parts can be hard to work with, but they can do the same thing as salamander parts, only with ice instead of fire.” He paused, and his lips curved up into smile. “But that’s what a normal necromancer would do. I am a Grand Necromancer, and Katie is my apprentice. Give us a month, and we’ll turn that thing into a giant zombie snake with the powers of a salamander and a frost giant.”

  “…” Gerald gaped, and he struggled to speak. Finally, he managed to say what was on his mind. “That sounds terrifying.”

  “Yes,” Timmy said as Katie skipped into the room with a bevvy of zombies carrying salamander parts and frost giant parts. “But think of it this way: it’ll be on our side.”

  Somehow, Gerald thought, that didn’t make it any less terrifying.

  The Beach

  (Set After Two Necromancers, a Dragon, and a Vampire)

  Timmy sighed in contentment. He could get used to this. He really could. The best missions were the ones where nobody tried to kill him, mangle him, or take any of his stuff. Unfortunately, missions that were free from any potentially lethal or painful mishaps were incredibly rare although, to be fair, the majority of people/traps/monsters that tried to kill him didn’t stand much chance of actually pulling it off. He might not be the most powerful person around, but he was very good at surviving.

  It also wasn’t fair to lump together random guards, most of whom could barely be trusted to know which end of a spear was the pointy end, with the elite assassins and powerful mages who had tried to do him in over the years. On the upside, a good, old shovel to the head tended to handle both groups quite nicely, and he had plenty of shovels.

  Despite his stellar track record of survival, Timmy did his best to avoid getting cocky. That was a great way to end up dead, and there was always the chance that an unskilled soldier or an incompetent mage could get a lucky hit in, which was why it was best to take luck out of the equation as much as possible. A childhood spent dealing with the agonising terror that his master considered training had made him very, very good at making his own luck. Compared to what his master had put him through, normal bandits, guards, and soldiers were more like a holiday than a threat.

  So when Timmy had the chance to go on a relatively safe and easy mission, he didn’t just take it. He savoured it. If past experience was anything to go by, safe and easy missions were invariably followed by missions involving at least one of the following: ancient horrors out to devour the world and slaughter civilisation, gigantic dragons with anger management problems, or absurdly powerful mages with megalomaniacal tendencies. The fact that this particular safe and easy mission took place on a remote island with an excellent beach was simply icing on what was already an extremely delicious metaphorical cake. And he did love cake, albeit not as much as Sam.

  Gesturing with his shovel, Timmy made a chair
out of sand – soft but firm and with excellent lower back support was the way to go – and slouched into it. Forget about good posture, this was all about taking things easy. If he’d been some kind of primeval ooze instead of a person, he would have gleefully turned himself into a puddle to maximise his ability to do absolutely nothing at all.

  The hot sun had forced him to get rid of his cloak for the time being, but Gerald had kindly provided him with a nice, big beach umbrella, courtesy of his magic. He’d also exchanged his boots for an absurd but comfortable pair of bunny slippers. Gerald was great to have around. Setting aside his tendency to court death on a regular basis, the bureaucrat was kind, friendly, and excellent at paperwork, and he had everything a person could ever want stored away with his magic. No, that wasn’t quite right. Given Gerald’s tendency to worry about things going wrong, he probably had ten of everything a person could ever want stored away with his magic.

  “Ah, yes, this is the life,” Timmy murmured as he closed his eyes and savoured the sea breeze. “Now, all I need is a cold drink and a watermelon.” He yawned and stretched. He should ask Gerald. The odds were extremely good that the bureaucrat would have some of both.

  Naturally, his idyllic bliss couldn’t last forever. Some people were just determined to work on every mission.

  “Master! What are you doing? You should be working harder, not slacking off!”

  Timmy didn’t bother to open his eyes. He didn’t have to. Only his adorable apprentice would take the time and effort to scold him for slacking off. He could feel her magic in the air around him, and he was certain that Katie was doing her best to loom over him in truly intimidating fashion. Alas, her lack of size made her attempts to loom over anyone – except maybe the occasional kitten or puppy – somewhat less than impressive. And speaking of kittens and puppies, he could now feel her glaring at him. Her glare wasn’t bad for a child her age, but he’d been glared at by far scarier people and things than her, including several gorgons and no shortage of basilisks.

  The others had tagged along for this mission too, but unlike Katie, they all seemed determine to follow his example. Of course, some of them had it easier than others. Amanda had commandeered enough beach umbrellas to make a miniature forest. She might be an ancient vampire capable of walking through the sun, but the fierce tropical sunshine could not have been as pleasant for her as it was for them. Maybe she could try using one of those salves people used to prevent sunburn. True, she wouldn’t be the first vampire to give sunscreen a try, and those other vampires had all gone up in flames after venturing into the sun, but none of them had been ancient vampires. Sunscreen might not be strong enough to keep a normal vampire from burning in the sun, but it might be strong enough to take the edge off the mild discomfort sunlight caused an ancient vampire.

  “Katie,” Timmy said. “The wreckage we’re looking for is underneath at least half a mile of water. The only way we’re going to find it is by having our aquatic zombies scour the area, which they’re already doing.” He tapped the side of his head. “As a Grand Necromancer, I am more than capable of keeping track of my aquatic zombies while relaxing on the beach.” He felt her glare intensify and smiled. She’d gone from being able to terrify kittens and puppies to being able to terrify the occasional hamster or rabbit. “In fact, entering a more relaxed, meditative state will only make it easier for me to command them and see through their eyes.”

  Nothing he’d said was a lie, but he hadn’t exactly told the truth either. The truth was that Katie was right. He was being lazy. But that was one of the best things about being a necromancer. He could get his zombies to do all the work for him.

  “You just don’t want to do any work,” Katie grumbled, proving once again that she was more than clever enough to be his apprentice. She went from glaring at him to glowering at him. He still hadn’t bothered to open his eyes, but he could feel the subtle differences between her glare and her glower. Her glare was about three quarters anger and one quarter aggravation. However, her glower was roughly half disdain and half aggravation.

  “Unless I learn how to breathe underwater in the next few minutes or how to hold my breath for an hour or two, I’m already doing as much as I can.” Timmy refrained from mentioning that there were runes and seals that could help him do both. They consumed a monstrous amount of magic, but they did exist. He’d teach them to her soon, just in case she ever needed them, but not in the way his master had taught him. He didn’t think Katie would appreciate having a ball and chain manacled to her leg before being thrown into a lake. He smirked. “And I seem to recall a certain someone spending most of this morning riding around the lagoon on Roger instead of having him scour the seafloor.”

  Katie stammered, and he knew, even without looking, that she was blushing. “I… I was scouting the area!”

  “I’m sure you were.” Timmy wasn’t about to chastise her for acting like a child. Despite being his apprentice, Katie was still a child, and this was exactly the sort of mission where she could afford to take it easy and act her age. “And speaking of Roger, has he spotted anything yet?”

  Timmy opened his eyes as Katie closed hers and reached out to her zombie with her magic. “He’s still looking, but he hasn’t found anything interesting yet. If he does, he’ll get my attention. But wouldn’t finding the wreckage be easier if you used your magic, master?”

  “My earth magic?” Timmy scratched his back and shrugged. “I’ve already tried. My magic has never worked that well on earth that is submerged under so much water. And based on the reports and maps we’ve gone through, the wreckage is within five or so miles of this island. That is a huge area to try to cover with my magic, especially since I’ll have to pour more power into it just to get it to work through all the water. The wreckage we’re looking for is also supposed to contain several artefacts, at least two of which are designed to prevent magical detection, which is why we’ve been using aquatic zombies. The wreckage might be concealed from magic, but a good zombie should still be able to see it.”

  Katie frowned. “If the area we’re searching is so big, why didn’t we bring more aquatic zombies?”

  Timmy smiled. “That’s a good question. The answer is that when ships sink, they don’t sink in a completely random way. Based on factors like their shape, what condition they were in when they sank, and what the prevailing currents were at the time they sank, you can make an educated guess as to where they ended up. We’re having our zombies search those locations first. If we still haven’t found it by the end of the day, we’ll go fishing.”

  “Fishing?” Katie’s brows furrowed. “Oh! You mean we’re going to catch a lot of fish and turn them into zombies?”

  “Exactly.” Timmy was tempted to ruffle her hair, but he was too lazy to sit up. “Size doesn’t matter. A small zombie fish can help us find the wreckage just as easily as a big one, and the more zombie fish we have, the quicker we’ll be able to search the area. Once we find it, we’ll send Roger over to haul it back to the surface.” He gestured at the beach around them. “So, for now, enjoy yourself. Go do whatever it is that kids do at the beach these days.”

  “You don’t know what kids do at the beach?” Katie asked in disbelief.

  Timmy raised one eyebrow. “Katie, I was raised by a man whose idea of a fun weekend was to knock me unconscious before leaving me in the middle of a forest full of monsters to help hone my survival skills.”

  “The more I hear about your master, the happier I am that he’s gone.”

  “You and the world, Katie.” Timmy’s lips curled. “But it is hard to argue with results although you could argue that I didn’t survive because of his training so much as I survived despite it.” He chuckled. “I’ve never been a fan of unnecessary murder, but killing him would have been the very definition of necessary.”

  “But you didn’t kill him, did you, master?”

  Timmy laughed. “No, one of his zombies beat me to it, which is why you should never make a zombie withou
t planning what you’ll do if it goes rogue and why you should definitely never make a zombie while you’re drunk.” He made a shooing motion with his hands. “But enough talking. Go do whatever it is kids your age do at the beach.”

  Katie did her best to keep her serious expression, but she failed miserably. Knowing her, she was probably looking for an excuse to play around instead of work. If he ‘ordered’ her to have fun, she wasn’t slacking off. She was simply an apprentice following her master’s orders. “I guess I could do something else for a while.” On her shoulder, Rembrandt made a suggestion. Instead of his usual eye-patch, the rat had opted for a more tropical or festive one in orange and pink. Katie smiled at Rembrandt. “Oh? That’s a good idea. We could make a sandcastle.”

  “A sandcastle?” Timmy smirked. “If you want I can make one for you.”

  “Yes, I’m sure you can – with your magic.” Katie huffed. “But I want to make a sandcastle the proper way, without magic.” She paused. “I don’t suppose you have a bucket and a small shovel, do you?”

  “Ask Gerald,” Timmy replied. “I’m sure he has some.” He patted his spare shovel. “And although I don’t have a bucket or a small shovel, I can lend you my spare shovel. Just don’t activate any of the runes or seals on it. It could get messy.”

  Katie blanched. “Messy?”

  “I designed it to self-destruct if necessary.” Timmy snickered. “Once you show someone that you’re good with a weapon, they’ll usually assume that they can win the fight by disarming you. I’ve defeated more than one tough opponent over the years by letting them disarm me and then blowing my shovel up when they pick it up.”

  “Oh.” Katie grimaced. “That’s… clever, but I think I might pass on borrowing your shovel. It’s too big to be good for making a sandcastle, anyway.”

  “It’s your loss.” Timmy grinned. “Because I can assure you that even though it’s my spare shovel, it’s still an excellent shovel.”

  Katie gave him another one of those looks, and Timmy grinned back. Although she was an excellent apprentice, Katie just couldn’t appreciate a good shovel the way he could. “I’ll go ask Gerald,” she said.