by Bella Jewel
He helps me up and off the road, and when we reach the side, I point to my ears. His eyes widen and he nods. I’ve started learning sign language, and a few people have started using it with me, but mostly I prefer to read lips. I find it easier. The man looks at me, and asks, “Can you understand me?”
I nod.
“Are you hurt?”
I shake my head.
“I was just waiting for a bus, I didn’t think and ran out onto the road…”
“That’s okay. Do you need a ride?”
I shake my head. “No,” I whisper. “I’m okay here. The bus will arrive soon. Thank you, for helping me.”
He makes sure I’m okay, and then gets back in his car and drives off. When I’m alone again, I press my hands over my ears and cry.
God dammit.
Why did my world take such an ugly turn?
Surely I didn’t deserve this…did I?
~*~*~*~
NOW - AMALIE
“Where do I start?” I say, as we walk.
I glance quickly at Scarlett and she gives me a warm look. “From the beginning, I’ll be listening.”
She keeps hold of me, and I start talking.
“We were together for the time he told the reporters. We weren’t close, like he made out. He had a flair for the dramatic, and we weren’t the best match. I tried, I did love him, but it was dragging me down. He was so serious. So controlled. Every time I’d try to leave, he wouldn’t accept it. He’d make me feel so guilty and convince me I was wrong, so I’d end up staying.”
Scarlett squeezes me softly to let me know she’s still listening.
“I finally decided that it wasn’t fair for me to keep staying with him, when I wasn’t truly happy, so I told him it was over. My fault was that I did do it in the car, just like he said. He got angry, wouldn’t take it, and then told me to pull over so we could talk. I said we’d wait until we got home and he pulled on the wheel, screaming at me to pull over. The car lost control.”
I take a shaky breath, reliving the awful moment like it was yesterday.
“It flipped and rolled, and when it finally stopped, I was hurt, quite badly. I couldn’t hear, my ears were bleeding, and my legs were stuck. I kept coming in and out of consciousness. Someone came and got me out. I managed to help them get Caiden out, but something sparked a fire, and the car lit up. He was stuck, and a big portion of his body got burned before we could take him out. We did get him out, right before the car blew up.”
Scarlett squeezes again, this time for a little longer. I stare right ahead and keep walking. If I look at her, the tears will come and I’ll never be able to stop them.
“It was a long road after that. For both of us. My hearing was permanently damaged, but his situation was much worse. He couldn’t walk, and he suffered serious burns. When he got out of the hospital, he had to do intensive therapy and is still only just able to take a few steps. He went into his parents’ house where they hired carers.”
I hate thinking of that awful time when he first got home and everything was terrifying. A new world that he wasn’t familiar with. And a hate in his heart that burned deep for me.
“He hated me. With a fire I couldn’t put out. He despised me and made it known. I had ruined his life. He didn’t want me around. I kept going. Every day. For ages his parents refused me. They wouldn’t let me see him. But I kept showing up, every single day, and finally they decided I owed it to him. So they let me in.”
Scarlett stops walking at a park bench, and we both sit down. She turns to me, eyes sad, face genuine. She reaches for my hands. “Are you two together still?”
“No. We weren’t together after the accident. He told me, in clear words, it was over and he wanted nothing to do with me. Of course, that could be anger speaking, and hatred, but he made it clear and we both knew it was over. I never made any promises. I just wanted to do my part, to stay with him, because he deserved that much.”
“If he hates you so much, why did he allow them to publish that article?”
I shake my head. “I’m not sure. I’m honestly not. Maybe out of anger, that I was starting to move on with my life. Maybe with some underlying jealousy. I really don’t know, all I know is he did it to destroy me. To make me suffer for hurting him. I don’t know.”
“But it wasn’t your fault, Amalie.”
I stare at her, eyes wide. “I caused the accident.”
“No, honey.” She squeezes my hand. “He did. He pulled the steering wheel. He chose to take that risk. Nobody would have been able to control that car. Nobody. You don’t owe him everything you’ve been giving him. He sounds like he’s manipulating you, and sweet, you’re letting him.”
I shake my head, and my eyes well up. “I took his whole life away from him. I shouldn’t have started that in the car. If I had waited until I got home, the accident would have never happened. I was selfish, I didn’t think, and that cost him his entire life.”
“He’s still alive, honey. He’s still here. You didn’t kill him.”
“I as good as …”
“No,” she says, cutting me off. “No, Amalie, you’re not thinking right. You’re wrapping yourself up in guilt that isn’t yours to take on. You didn’t create that accident, and you didn’t ruin his life. It was an accident. Accidents happen all the time. It could happen to Maverick and I tomorrow, it could happen to anyone.”
I stare at her, and my bottom lip trembles. Deep down, in the darkest parts that I’ve locked away, I know she’s right. I know it, but it’s like my body is rejecting the idea, the thought, because I can’t bear to face the true reality of the situation. And that is that maybe she’s right, and maybe I’ve been living with this guilt for far too long.
But the second that thought comes into my mind, my mind automatically rejects it.
“It doesn’t matter now,” I tell her, because arguing about whether it was my fault or it wasn’t, isn’t going to take away the fact that it happened. “It happened. Caiden has decided he wants me to suffer for it, and he succeeded.”
“He’ll only succeed if you let him. What he said about you was a lie, Amalie. And the only reason it got printed was because they love a good story about me. If my name wasn’t involved, they wouldn’t have given him a second glance and he knows it.”
“It’ll affect me; people at the shows, fans, they’re all going to read that and nobody will want me playing.”
Scarlett’s face hardens, and she says in a stern voice, “Well, you’ll always be playing with me so they’ll have to get over it, or they’ll have to get over me, too. I won’t allow it. It will die down. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it will and you’ll breathe freely again.”
Scarlett’s head whips around and we see a group of girls approaching us, phones out, squealing happily. She must have heard them calling out to her. She exhales and puts on her best smile, standing and signing her autograph and getting pictures with them. When they’re gone, she comes back and sits by me.
“Let’s get out of here or we’ll never get left alone.”
I nod and stand, but before we start walking, I turn to her. “Scar?”
“Yeah?”
“Malakai hates me.”
She shakes her head. “No, honey, he doesn’t. He’s just … hurt. He feels let down that you didn’t tell him. He thinks you had someone else. But he will find out the truth, and he’ll come good.”
“I never meant to lie to him,” I admit. “Or any of you. I just … I was so ashamed.”
Scarlett’s face softens. “Well, I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. We love you, Amalie. All of us. You’re part of this. We’re a family. What you suffer, we suffer. Don’t let that man bring you down anymore, and don’t, under any circumstances, be ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed about.”
“Thank you so much,” I whisper, meeting her eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She beams. “Ditto. We have a
show on the weekend for the annual fair, get out there and show them what you’re made of and stuff everyone else. And if that man continues to harass you and tell lies, I’ll deal with him.”
I laugh, so grateful to her in this moment.
“I guess I had better go face the music, but which song do I start with?”
She smiles, and then her eyes grow serious. “Deal with Caiden first. Then Malakai.”
Right.
Two birds.
One stone.
-11-
NOW – AMALIE
“He doesn’t want to see you.”
Caiden’s mother stands at the door, staring at me, eyes icy. I usually shrink away from their scalding stare but decide that for right now, I’m going to hold my ground. For once. I’m tired of being pushed around by this family. Accident or not, that article was a blatant lie and should have never happened. I may have deserved a lot, but I did not deserve that.
And it’s time they stopped.
For good.
“I don’t care if he wants to see me or not,” I tell her, my voice harder than it’s ever been in her presence. “If he doesn’t want me to seek legal advice for the lies he told, then he’ll see me and he will speak to me.”
Her face flashes with a moment of surprise before she says, “There is nothing you can do legally when he simply told the truth.”
“You and I both know that wasn’t the truth. I can take my part in the accident, but I will not be made out to be a cheating, selfish woman. We aren’t together. We haven’t been since the accident. You and I both know this. So does he. I’m doing nothing wrong. He’s the one who wants me out of his life, and yet I’m still here, every damned day, copping his abuse. And yours.”
“Be very careful, Amalie.”
“Let me in, or I’ll contact a lawyer and take matters further. What he published was slander.”
She shakes her head. “Go right ahead, there is no proof that you weren’t together, none whatsoever. He had every right to express his anger, and you owe it to him to take it.”
I’m done.
So done.
I’m tired of being pushed around by these people. For being made to live with guilt every single day of my life. I may never forgive myself for the accident, but that’s my choice to make, and my burden to live with. As for the rest, I do not deserve it. Scarlett was right, Caiden had his part in that accident, too. And deep down, he knows it.
I’m tired of being bullied.
By this family.
By Caiden.
By Treyton.
By my own mother.
No more.
“I owe him nothing,” I snap, raising my voice for the first time. It’s been so long since I’ve done it, it feels foreign to me, but it also feels incredibly good. Freeing even. “He took the wheel that day in the car, he jerked it causing us to go off the road. He knows it. You just don’t because you were happy to let me take all of the blame. I’ve been by his side since, even when he has done nothing but abuse me and treat me unfairly. I’m done with it. I will not live with his lies being slung all over town. I’m a human being, and I too deserve some damned respect!”
I shout the last words, and her face drops, shock registering.
“Now let me in or so help me god I will make sure I release a story about him. I have the means. If he wishes to tell lies, I might as well add my part in. If you do not want that to happen, if you do not want your family’s name ruined, then I suggest you let me the hell in!”
She steps aside.
For a moment, I’m shocked.
So shocked I just stare at her.
But she stays stepped to the side, her eyes are icy, but she knows I’m right. If I wanted to, I could make this blow way out of proportion and I could drag Caiden and his family’s name through the mud. I wouldn’t do that, of course, because I’m not a heartless human being, but she knows I could.
And that’s all she needs.
“You have five minutes. Then I never want to see you around here again.”
I nod sharply. “Believe me, you won’t see me again once I’m done here.”
I step inside the house and walk to Caiden’s quarters, opening the door without knocking. He’s doing some exercise with Penelope. He’s standing, both arms holding a long silver railing, and they’re doing something with his feet and legs. When they hear me come in, both of them stop and look at me. My eyes go straight on his.
He isn’t getting the chance to talk.
Not this time.
“I’ll say this once, and once only. Then you’ll never see me again. I’m giving you a week to retract your story and tell the truth. If you do not, I will release my own version. I assure you, I can fight just as hard and just as strong as you can, Caiden. I’m tired of being pushed around. You can say what you want to the media, to your friends, and to your family, but you and I both know that you know the truth. You know what really happened that day in the car.”
Penelope’s eyes swing back to Caiden, and then back to me.
I continue.
“You know that I didn’t cause that accident. You know you caused that accident by getting angry and grabbing the wheel. I can take my blame, I can take my part, I know I shouldn’t have tried to break up with you in a car, I know I’m half responsible for what happened, but dammit, Caiden, so are you. And you know it. So spin whatever lies make you sleep better at night, I’m done with this entire situation. I’ve spent over a year now coming here every day and being tossed your abuse. I’ve lived with the guilt. And the shame. And my own damned injuries and demons. Nobody has had my back, do you hear me?”
He’s staring at me, eyes wide.
“Nobody has looked out for me, nobody has protected me. I had no one to care for me, or help me back onto my feet. I’m sorry, I say it and I mean it. I will be forever sorry, for the rest of my life, for what happened that night in the car. But I won’t spend the rest of my life drowning in it. We weren’t together after the accident, you know it, I know it, so there was never a need for you to spread such ugly lies about me.”
I take one more deep breath and finish.
“You wanted me out of your life, I can assure you that this is the last time you’ll ever see me. I wish you well, Caiden. I truly do. And as I said, I’ll be forever sorry. I have been waiting for you to forgive me, but you never will, so I’m going to go ahead and forgive myself. Change the story, I beg of you, because I do not deserve it and you know that.”
I look to Penny, and I smile at her. “Take good care of him, Penny. But don’t you ever let him walk all over you.”
Her eyes flash to Caiden, and then back to me.
He’s already walking all over her. I can see it in her face.
“Goodbye, Caiden.”
With that, I turn and walk out.
And I feel like the whole weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
It’s like suddenly, I can breathe again.
~*~*~*~
NOW – AMALIE
I return home, feeling something inside my chest. Something freeing. What I said to Caiden, I meant. I will be forever sorry for what happened in that car, but Scarlett is right, it was on both of us, and I will never move forward with my life if I don’t, at the very least, try to forgive myself. Doing that, means I need to rid myself of anything toxic.
That includes my mother.
I know she loves me, in her own, twisted way, but I also know she is hurting me. Emotionally, she is damaging. I can’t take it anymore. She will always be my mother, but what she needs to understand, is if she can’t be that, then she needs to leave me alone until she figures it out. Her lack of love, it’s breaking me.
I walk into my apartment, because I know she’ll be there.
She’s made herself way too comfortable in the last few weeks, socialising, not wanting to go back to her own home. My father returned to work, but she has yet to leave. It’s time she does. I need my space back, but most
ly, I need to get all this pain off my chest. I don’t usually talk much, I don’t say what I feel, but today has taught me that nobody will have your back, so you have to learn to cover yourself.
I’m going to start doing that.
In all areas of my life.
She’s standing in the kitchen, on the phone, when I walk in. She turns and stares at me, and shakes her head. In disappointment? I don’t know. She told Caiden about Malakai, she started this war, so now she can take responsibility for her actions. She’s probably on that phone right now, gossiping about it. I walk past her and down the hall, into the spare bedroom. I pick up her suitcase, I pack her clothes and her bathroom things, and I walk out, putting it on the ground.
Her eyes get wide.
She hangs up the phone.
“What is the meaning of this, Amalie?”
I don’t give her much more of a chance to speak after that, because my voice and my tone is a force to be reckoned with, even she must realise that interrupting me would do her no good.
“I’m going to say what I have to say, and then you’re going to take your things, leave my apartment, and go home.”
I don’t flinch, back down, or soften when I say the next words.
“First of all, you should know I love you. I’ll always love you, because you’re my mother, but you don’t belong here anymore. You don’t belong near me. The thing about bringing a child into this world, is that you’re supposed to love and protect them through everything. You didn’t do that for me. I needed you after that accident, but your social status and your own selfish needs got in the way. You chose that, over your own daughter, who was in agony. Then, you continued to fill me with guilt when you knew, you knew, I was already drowning in it. You didn’t support me, and you didn’t love me like you should have. I deserved that from you, at the very least.”
I take a deep breath. Her face is blank.
