Hold Me

by Alexa Verde

  A muscle moved in his jaw. “You made a choice you thought was the best under the circumstances. I understand your reasons now, but I wish you’d told me. Together we could’ve found a better solution.”

  So there was still a wall of hurt between them. Her heart dropped. “I didn’t want to put a burden on you. Either way, I have to pay for my mistakes. Can you ever forgive me?”

  Would he? And would God forgive her?

  She’d done her best to be a good wife, but she hadn’t honored her husband in her mind and her soul because her heart belonged to Roman.

  It still did. And it always would.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Her breath caught in her throat as Aileen waited for Roman’s reply.

  He smiled at her, but sadness tinted the smile. “I already have. The question is not whether I can forgive you but whether you can forgive yourself.”

  A young couple was climbing upstairs, so she took the steps down to give them space when they reached the top.

  Roman and Aileen climbed downstairs, and again the number of stairs seemed way more than when she’d been a teen. She’d loved coming to the lighthouse then, staring out to sea and dreaming of their future together.

  This was home, and happiness seemed so close to her she could nearly touch it like she could reach out and touch Roman’s forearm.

  Why ruin all those memories by trying to have a relationship again and possibly failing again, too? But as he hugged her, she knew why.

  They walked along the shore, so close she didn’t know how she’d be able to leave him at the end of the evening. A cool breeze caressed her skin, but warmed by his nearness it didn’t chill her. Seagulls greeted them again with noisy squawks.

  Another couple, regular customers in their early twenties, waved at them.

  First, Aileen thought to pull away from Roman but then decided against it and waved back. “I was so afraid to open Aileen’s Pastries. If not for Dad and Jonah encouraging—okay, pushing me—I don’t think I would ever have done it. And then, when I heard the whispers behind my back, saw the unfriendly glances…”

  “Whispers? Unfriendly glances?” Roman stopped her. “People love your store! I hear everywhere how great your desserts are and how grateful everybody is that you took over. Maybe they were talking about something or somebody else, not you. As for unfriendly glances, they could be upset about something that happened to them that day.”

  “Huh?” Her eyes widened. “Maybe I projected my own feelings on other people. I… didn’t look at it that way.”

  Wow.

  She’d paid more attention to the rumors behind her back, probably many of them nonexistent, than to the welcome and support many people provided. Including frequenting her fledgling pastry shop and telling her how glad they were she’d taken over and how delicious her desserts were.

  Probably guilt at leaving Roman and then not having the courage to explain why had colored many of her perceptions.

  Could she surrender it to the Lord, like Roman had said?

  While she’d considered faith lighting the path in front of her like a lighthouse, Roman’s support was often the lantern showing her good things which she’d seen as bad. He hadn’t just fixed things around the house; he’d helped her outlook on life. Besides home improvement, he’d improved her and her life.

  It wasn’t even that she was falling for Roman again, with a more mature love for the man he’d become than the puppy love she’d had for one of the most popular boys in school who’d incredibly chosen her, a shy, awkward girl and the daughter of the town drunk.

  Her heart made a strange movement as she breathed in the salty air.

  No, it wasn’t that she was falling for him again.

  It was that she’d never stopped loving him.

  Lord, what should I do?

  During their stroll along the boardwalk, Roman had to shove his hands into his pockets to stop himself from reaching out to Aileen, bringing her close again, and kissing her senseless. He never wanted to let her go. His pulse skyrocketed while the breeze played with her reddish hair and a soft smile touched her lips as she looked up at him from time to time.

  He’d always thought she was the prettiest girl in school, which had seemed to shock her when he’d told her so at fifteen. But now she was even more beautiful. The blue sweater and teal-green jacket she wore today brightened her blue eyes even more.

  There were remnants of hurt in his heart, yes, but it seemed much smaller than the guilt weighing on her fragile shoulders.

  He wanted to hug those shoulders and try to figure out how to make things better together. To fix this, like they’d done so many times before. But by the looks of it, she didn’t want that “togetherness”. Instead, she insisted on punishing herself for mistakes that might not have been mistakes at all.

  He said a silent prayer for her and shoved his hands deeper.

  Back at his vehicle, in the small parking lot mid-way along the boardwalk, she turned to him, eyes warm and glowing, yet holding a hint of bewilderment. As if she wasn’t quite sure how to respond to him now. “Thank you for a lovely afternoon.”

  “It’s not over yet.” He grinned. The rest of their day was all planned out. “There’s still an hour or so before sunset. Would you like to visit the orchard? Jeannie told me it escaped the worst of the floods.”

  “I’d love to.” The wind threw her hair around her face.

  “Great.” This time, he couldn’t stop himself.

  He reached out and brushed her bright hair away from her lovely face. His fingertips only grazed her smooth skin, but it sent an impulse that seemed to reach his heart.

  He stepped back, and something dimmed in her eyes. A man needed to have oodles of willpower around Aileen, and he didn’t think he had that much.

  As he held the truck door open for her to climb in, he gave thanks to the Lord for an amazing day. The sunshine on the water sparkled like a myriad of diamonds, and so did Aileen’s eyes. Every moment in her company was precious.

  He might as well say it.

  But not yet. Maybe, when they were at the orchard.

  After starting the truck he steered it onto Wharf Road and across the bridge. The old apple orchard lay just a mile or so upriver along a road that hugged the bank. The usually calm and clear water, now swollen, brown with washed away soil and littered with tree branches and logs from the forest upriver, rushed by with ferocious speed.

  A few minutes later, he parked outside Jeannie’s little farm shop where she sold her apple products, then jumped out and hurried around to open the truck door for Aileen. She accepted the hand he offered to help her from the truck, and didn’t pull away.

  With his free hand, he lifted the orange picnic blanket from behind her seat, and didn’t let her hand go as they strolled side by side into the orchard. The fresh scent of grass mixed with the slightly sweet scent of fruit in the late afternoon air. He breathed deeply while above them a few small red jewels of Washington red delicious apples missed by the pickers quivered on otherwise near-naked branches, evidence the apple season was over.

  They’d never had a date in this place, but it still held interesting memories.

  Letting his hand go, Aileen reached up and picked an apple, then passed it to him, eyes alight with laughter. “Remember how you stole apples from this orchard for me when we were fourteen? You didn’t have money to buy me the apples I wanted for apple fritters, so you came to get them here instead without telling me.”

  He weighed the apple in his hand. Soft now, and wrinkled. Well past its best. But precious to him, loaded with his memories of their past, and his hopes for their future. “Sounds silly now, but at the time, it seemed like a good idea. Until I got caught, of course. George was angry at first, but when I explained, he let me take a few apples for you.”

  “Still, you shouldn’t have done it, especially for me.” She waggled a finger in a mock scolding.

  “Only for you. And, you shouldn’t have asked your
parents to drive you to the orchard to help me pick all those baskets of apples on the weekend, when you found out what George asked me to do as a penance.”

  “I wanted to help. I cared about you. I still do.”

  “Me, too.” For a few moments, neither one of them said a word, letting the warm feeling linger in the air.

  “I’m glad I could get you the apples, and picking fruit alongside you was no punishment. I enjoyed it a lot. I wanted to give you so many things, and back then, I couldn’t. I’m sorry for that.”

  Lips downturned, Aileen shook her head. “You don’t need to be sorry. I do. I never needed you treating me to meals or recipe ingredients or giving me presents. I just needed your company. You… being nearby.”

  “Same here. Though don’t get me wrong, I did love all the desserts you made.” He gazed into her eyes. “I love a lot of things in our past. But I don’t want to live in the past. Let’s think about our future.”

  Her shoulders stiffened. She spun on her heel on the soft grass, and then strode toward the nearby river. “I hope the little sandy beach that used to be here hasn’t washed away. Remember how we swam in the river that weekend to cool off? Picking apples was hot work.”

  How could he forget? He’d needed to cool off from the sight of her in a swimsuit far more than from apple-picking.

  As he followed her, he took a deep breath. She might not want to discuss their future, but he did. “I believe God has given us a second chance. I’m grateful for it and willing to take it. Are you?”

  She stayed silent. He risked a sideways glance at her, but she stared straight ahead. Though he longed for an answer, something warned him not to push her.

  Heaving a sigh, Aileen turned her head toward him as she walked. “It’s not that simple. We can’t live in the past, no, but the past still affects us. You need to deal with your issues of hurt, and I have to deal with my issues of guilt and aversion to risk first. With all my worries.”

  His heart plummeted. But at least, she hadn’t said no outright. “Thank you for giving me hope.”

  Her shoulders slumped and she shook her head. “Well, that does it.”

  “What do you mean?” That wasn’t exactly the response he’d expected.

  “You’re way too nice about the entire situation. I would feel less guilty if you were angry, if you yelled at me, or gave me the silent treatment.” Her eyes became misty and her pace slowed.

  After dating many women, he should’ve been used to women’s logic, but he still managed to find himself surprised sometimes. The best he could manage was “Really?”

  “No.” Her lips twisted. “But it would’ve been more understandable. You’re killing me with kindness.”

  How could she not see how worth his kindness she was? “You’re a wonderful person. A great mother and daughter. A smart businesswoman and an outstanding dessert chef. Give yourself some credit. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.”

  “You think much better of me than I think myself.” Her voice dipped as she paced nearer the river bank. “I worry I’ll let you down like I have already. I worry I’ll never measure up. I heard about all the women you dated, and… Wow. You’ll be disappointed.”

  Had being treated like “a piece of furniture” by her ex-husband affected Aileen’s self-esteem? She’d always been a bit insecure and on the pessimistic side, but this was taking it too far.

  He thought she’d grown in confidence, not the other way around. Hopefully, this was a temporary relapse. “The only way you’ll disappoint me is if you walk away. I guess I’ll have to repeat how incredible you are every day—several times every day—so you believe it yourself.”

  “You’re amazing. And you’re really killing me with kindness. I don’t deserve this.” She edged away from him, though he wasn’t standing too close.

  He didn’t know exactly what happened next. But suddenly, her arms windmilled, and she let out a shriek.

  Before he could catch her, she slipped into the water and disappeared. God, no! His pulse raced as he ripped off his sweater and jacket, and then kicked off his shoes. With the water running so fast, if a log hit her, if her soaked sweater and jacket dragged her under...

  He didn’t want to think about it.

  Without hesitation, he jumped in. The chilly water snatched his breath. Unlike Aileen, he was a strong swimmer, but never before had he swum with his heart pounding as wildly in his throat as it did now.

  Where was she? He needed to find her, and fast!

  Lord, please help me find her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  TERROR FOR the woman he loved surged through Roman’s veins as the fast-flowing river carried him toward the sea. Fending off logs and other debris, he swam faster than he’d ever done in an attempt to catch up with Aileen. With all the mud clouding the water, he’d never see her if she couldn’t get to the surface.

  Please Lord, don’t let her be hit by a log. Help me find her. I can’t bear to lose her!

  Thankfully, he spotted her red hair streaming out in the water. Her head, shoulders, and arms followed as she flailed and spluttered.

  Yes! The breath whooshed out of him. Thank You!

  In a few adrenaline-fueled strokes he reached her and wrapped an arm around her, supporting her head above the water. “Don’t struggle. I’ve got you.”

  Instantly, her flailing arms stilled. Kicking his legs hard and swimming with his other arm, he guided her diagonally across the current, toward the bank. And provided he could make it there and it hadn’t been washed by the floodwaters, the small orchard jetty.

  Pushing every fiber of his muscles to the limit, he made it, though the arm he hooked around the rough wood post strained to hold them there. He tried to stand, but with the extra water flooding the river, his feet didn’t hit anything solid. At least, that also meant the distance up onto the jetty was far less than usual.

  Somehow, he needed to get Aileen up there before the raging current tore them away.

  “Reach up and grab the top of the decking with both hands.” Hoarse and rough from exertion, his voice barely registered above the roar of the water.

  Panting and trembling, she did as he asked, her fingers white from the strain of holding on. Good. She’d heard him.

  “I’ll do what I can to lift you, but you need to help me. When I say three, pull up and kick your legs as hard as you can. Once you get your chest on the jetty, you’ll be able to wriggle all the way out.”

  She nodded, and he could feel her muscles tensing, ready to try.

  “One. Two. Three.” Pulling out the last bit of energy he could summon, he pushed himself up in the water by kicking his legs, and lifted Aileen as far as he could with one arm. Yes! She did it. As soon as she’d wriggled out of the water and flopped on the jetty, he followed her, hauling himself out with both arms.

  Thank You, Lord.

  Exhausted, he slumped on the wood decking beside her, dragging deep breaths into his burning lungs. He rolled on his side to check on her. She shivered uncontrollably, her teeth chattered, and her normally pale skin was ashen.

  Cold, or shock? Probably, both.

  He crawled toward her. “We need to get you warm. Do you think you can walk yet?”

  A shudder shook her. So, that would be a no. And he’d need to recover some more before he could try carrying her.

  Only one thing to do. Pulling her into his arms, he held her close and covered her with his body to block the wind as much as he could. He was equally chilled, but maybe sharing what little body heat he had would help.

  After a few minutes, the shudders lessened. Her eyes widened and she gazed up at him.

  Then she covered his face in kisses. Despite his exhaustion, an unexpected wave of delight surged through him. “You saved my life. Thank you. I was terrified, but I knew you’d be there to help me.”

  Always. For the rest of his life, if she’d let him.

  Aileen slipped her arms around Roman’s back, and held him tigh
ter.

  A nervous giggle escaped her. She wasn’t exactly thinking straight, she’d admit. But right now it felt worth nearly drowning to be held in such a delicious embrace.

  Maybe she really had died in the river, and was dreaming this.

  After a while, she realized her hands clutched his bare skin. All he wore were his jeans, soaking wet. He must be freezing. Next thing to register—some of the wetness under her hands wasn’t water, but oddly sticky. Yet it wasn’t gritty like mud, either.

  What could that be?

  Then awareness whacked her. Blood! A log or a tree branch must have hit him.

  He’d hurt himself to rescue her.

  The wooziness lifted as fresh adrenaline cleared her mind.

  “Roman, can you get up? You’re injured. If we can make it to Jeannie’s house, she’ll help us. I’d call her, but I don’t know her number.”

  “Me neither. My phone is back where I jumped in the water.” He rolled off her, and grimaced as his back contacted the weathered wooden decking. Pain and exhaustion shadowed his dark eyes. “It’s probably just grazes and bruises.”

  “I hope that’s all it is.” The guilt she needed to surrender to the Lord tightened its jaws on her heart again. The last thing she wanted was for Roman to suffer because of her. Especially when she’d already caused him so much suffering.

  She loved Roman, and yet all she seemed to do was hurt him.

  He sat up, then hauled himself to stand, using the jetty railing as support. Without waiting for him to offer to help her, she did the same, and wobbled to her feet.

  His gaze on her sharpened. “Can you manage? I’ll carry you if you can’t walk.”

  “I can manage.” She gritted the words out as she walked toward dry land, still clinging to the railing. Okay, so she wasn’t totally sure she’d stay upright once she had to let the railing go. Her legs had turned to Jell-O. But Roman had already done more than enough for her today, and she wouldn’t risk causing him more injury.