Dirty Like Zane: A Dirty Rockstar Romance (Dirty, Book 6)

by Jaine Diamond

  “I had some time to think,” I told them all, staring at the coffee table, “and I talked some shit through with Rudy just now. The way I see it, I’ve gotta cut myself some slack, but not too much. So I’ve given myself two choices. I can leave the tour right now and check myself into rehab before I actually drink, or I can get my shit together right here, on tour, before I drink. Because drinking is not an option. I’ve decided, after talking to Rudy, that I’m giving myself one chance. Just one. And if I break, if I fuck up and take a drink, I’m asking Jude to take me to rehab.”

  “Yeah, brother,” Jude said. “Whatever you need. You’ve got my support to stay on the tour. You know that. I’ve got your back and Shady’s got your back, and the second you need anything to change, you say the word. You need me to take you to rehab, I take you, no questions asked.”

  I glanced up at Jude. He was standing there with his big arms crossed and his dark eyes leveled at me. I nodded, swallowing around the lump in my throat.

  “Same goes with the weed,” I said. “I’m done with it.”

  The expression on Jude’s face didn’t falter. Whether he believed I could hold up my end of that or not, he didn’t show any sign of doubt. “Okay.”

  I glanced at Brody, and he nodded too. “We’re all onboard,” he said. “Whatever you need.”

  “Good. Because I’m gonna need you guys to work out a new schedule for me, keep me busy during the day. But no interviews for a while. And no meeting fans backstage. We can tell them I’m saving my voice for the shows. I need the shows. But I can’t handle the people in my face right now.”

  “You’ve got it,” Brody said.

  “And I need no booze or drugs backstage.”

  “Not a problem,” Jude said.

  “It’s not forever, just for a while. Seth’s gonna be around when I want to talk. I’m gonna need support.” I felt Maggie’s eyes on me, and I couldn’t even look at her. “I know it’s not her job, but since Talia won’t be as tied up with my promo shit, I thought maybe she could find me AA meetings to go to, each town we hit. You know I don’t want all that Betty Ford shit. I like going to regular meetings with regular people in whatever church basement. I don’t care.”

  “Yeah, Zane,” Brody said, his voice soft. “We know.”

  I lowered my head. I was getting fucking teary-eyed, but I didn’t want to cry. I just couldn’t believe I was having a moment like this, when I’d convinced myself all these moments were behind me now. That I had all my shit under control.

  Seth was right, though. I was out of control.

  And I was falling apart in front of the people who loved me most.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, and my voice fucking broke. “I’m sorry I’m putting this on you all right now, when I should’ve dealt with it before the tour. I can see that now.”

  Someone moved in, and I saw Jude’s boots in front of me. He pulled me up into another hug. “You know we’d do anything for you, brother,” he said, quietly, right in my ear. “Anything you need.”

  When he released me, Maggie was right there. She reached for me and I scooped her into my arms, hugging her so tight I almost couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t expecting her to come anywhere near me, but she was hugging me right back, tight.

  She didn’t say anything, and when she started to let go, I let her go.

  Brody was looking from me to her, as we stood side-by-side but not touching. “And what about this… uh… marriage?” He looked uncomfortable, if anything, so I figured they didn’t talk about it without me here.

  But someone had definitely told him what I’d said at the diner.

  Got the feeling it wasn’t Maggie.

  I didn’t even have to look at her now to know what she’d want me to say.

  “Me and Maggie,” I said, forcing the words out, “we’re not together.”

  When Brody’s gaze flicked to her, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Maggie give a little nod of agreement.

  “Who else knows about this?” he asked.

  “My dad and his girlfriend,” Maggie said softly. “They were at the wedding, but they won’t tell anyone.”

  “Flynn was there, too,” Jude said.

  “Shady knows, and so does Seth,” I said. “I told them. And Rudy.”

  I felt Maggie looking at me, and I met her eyes. I shrugged a little and she rolled her eyes.

  “Fuck,” she said, sighing, and she looked at Brody. “I told Jessa. I’m sorry, Brody.”

  Pretty sure we both read the look on Brody’s face at that one… as he realized his woman knew about our secret bullshit and never told him.

  Jesus. I did not want to be there for that conversation.

  “I asked her not to tell anyone,” Maggie added gently.

  “Anyone else?” he asked. And I knew Brody; he was trying not to be pissed off, but he was pissed off.

  “Not that I know of,” she said.

  I shook my head. I didn’t think anyone else knew. Suspected something was up, maybe.

  “We all need some sleep,” Brody concluded with a heavy sigh. “I’m gonna be in touch with Alec, let him know we’ll roll out to the arena a little later than usual today. And let’s call a band meeting for tomorrow night, when we get into Salt Lake. Lay a few things out for everyone.” He looked at me. “The whole band needs to know what’s going on so we can all be on the same page about your sobriety.” Then he told Maggie, “Let’s circle tomorrow before that and go over some things.”

  “Sure.”

  “I’m assuming we want to keep the whole marriage thing under wraps?”

  “Yes,” Maggie said.

  “And I’m assuming Rudy is tight?” he asked me.

  “He’d never tell anyone my shit,” I said.

  “You want to talk to Flynn and Shady?” Brody asked Jude. “Make sure they know to keep their mouths shut?”

  “They know,” Jude said. “But yeah, I’ll talk to them.” He glanced at Maggie, then nodded at me, patting my shoulder as he left.

  “I can clear Zane’s promotional schedule and have Talia help,” Maggie told Brody. “I’ll get her on top of mapping out some open AA meetings in advance of each city, and coordinate with Zane whatever he needs. We’ll have the other band members cover his interviews. Everyone’s wanting to talk to Matt and Elle and Seth right now anyway, about the baby and her being off the tour, and what it’s like for Matt filling in for her, all that stuff. We can definitely make it work.”

  “Good,” Brody said.

  “Can I go now? I have some calls to make.”

  “Yeah. But make sure you get some sleep, Maggie.”

  Maggie nodded, then glanced at me. I really couldn’t read that look, but it was somewhere between sympathy and uncertainty.

  I wanted to reach out and pull her into my arms again.

  But then she left.

  Brody looked me in the eye as soon as the door had shut behind her. “Anything you need. Whatever it is. I don’t care what time it is. I don’t care what it is or where you are or how bad it is, or what you think I’m gonna think. You call me, and I’ll get you what you need. No judgment. I’ll make sure you have whatever you need. As long as it’s not booze or drugs. Or anything that’s gonna make Maggie kick me in the balls.”

  I would’ve laughed at that, but I wasn’t in the laughing mood. “Thank you,” I forced out.

  “I mean it. The tour doesn’t go on without you. That’s not pressure, Zane, that’s fucking reality. We went on without Seth for years. We all felt the loss, but we went on. And it sucks, but we’re doing a whole tour without Elle. We could go on without Jesse or Dylan, have someone fill in for them for a while. Wouldn’t be the same, but we’d make it work. But we can’t do it without you. We’re never gonna do it without you. You’re our frontman, and it doesn’t work without you, without your voice. Everyone in the band knows that. We’ve already discussed it.”

  What? When?

  He held up his hand to silence me, like he knew what
I was gonna ask. “We already talked about it, years ago, when you went into rehab. The show doesn’t go on without you. Dirty isn’t Dirty without Zane Traynor, and we all know it. You need this tour to stop, you need everything to stop, then it stops.”

  I just nodded. I couldn’t get any more words out. I moved toward him and he pulled me in for another hug. He hugged me for a while, and when he let me go he said, “Proud of you, brother.”

  I headed for the door before I started crying like a baby. I was fucking exhausted. Emotionally tapped out.

  “And this Maggie thing,” he said behind me, all the softness leaving his voice. I paused and glanced back at him. “We’ll talk about that later, yeah?”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  Then I went to my room to try to get some sleep, because I had a show to do tonight. My band was counting on me, and fuck if I was gonna let Dirty suffer because of me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Maggie

  The next day, I woke up late. I hadn’t even fallen asleep until well after dawn, again. I’d been up all night after the Vegas show, unable to sleep, but I still hadn’t fully processed everything that had happened.

  Everything I’d done wrong.

  All I knew was I’d hurt Zane in a profound way.

  I’d spoken briefly with Alec and Brody before the show yesterday, but mercifully no one brought up my marriage to Zane or the whole ugly incident the other night. Brody wasn’t going to let it go; I knew he wasn’t. But for the time being, he looked like he felt too sorry for me to say anything.

  It was early afternoon when I climbed onto the Lady Bus. Most of the buses had already hit the road to Salt Lake City, but some of us took our time rallying out of Vegas. Luckily there was no big hurry, and no one was complaining.

  As I quickly discovered, the news about the little drama the other night had spread—especially after last night’s show, when Jude’s crew cleared out all the booze backstage and security was extra tight—and everyone was concerned.

  The girls on the Lady Bus all seemed relieved that Zane had resurfaced from the desert sober and unscathed, but they knew this was serious; they were all waiting for me in the lounge.

  Talia gave me a hug. “Is he okay?” she asked me. Joanie and Sophie were waiting for the answer to that question, too.

  We’d all witnessed his performance at last night’s show. He was great; his voice sounded great. But he was definitely tense. There was a ton of tension at the show, and no one was exactly smiling backstage.

  The whole crew felt it.

  Zane’s alcohol addiction was no secret to anyone on Dirty’s crew, and obviously everyone cared about his continued sobriety. They either cared because they truly cared about Zane, and/or because they were scared they’d be out a job if the tour fell apart.

  “Yeah,” I said. “He’s okay. But there are gonna be some changes. We’re having a band meeting tonight, and I’ll have some things to go over with you.”

  “Of course,” Talia said. “Anything I can do to help…”

  “Let me know if I can help, too,” Joanie offered. “I honestly don’t know how Zane does it, being around booze all the time, and the rest of the band drinking. Seth, too. If there’s anything we can do to make it a more supportive environment for both of them, I’d be happy to help any way I can. I know Elle will, too.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Yeah,” Sophie agreed. “Zane is so sweet. I feel so bad for him.”

  That made me pause and smile. I didn’t often hear a woman describe Zane Traynor as sweet. But Sophie was pretty sweet herself.

  “I didn’t get much sleep the last couple nights, so I’m just gonna rest for a bit,” I informed them. “We’ll talk later,” I told Talia, before disappearing into my bunk.

  I put on some music in my earbuds and lay down. I’d barely been up for two hours, but the day felt long.

  Maybe because I kinda felt like I’d been run over by a very large truck the other night, and I still hadn’t recovered.

  I’d been so fucking worried about Zane.

  I’d never been more relieved than when he walked into Brody’s hotel room… just to see him in one piece. I was mad, too, but so relieved to find out he’d been with Seth in the desert. That he didn’t drink or do something else stupid.

  Like fall into the arms of some random woman.

  It kinda stunned me, actually, because when he’d walked out of my hotel room after I told him I can’t do this with you and Love isn’t enough, the look on his face… It was kinda like he was in shock. Like he definitely didn’t want to hear what he’d just heard. Like he needed to find somewhere to sit down—somewhere far away from me—and lean on something for a while.

  Like maybe a case of booze.

  If I’d ever truly and deeply feared that Zane might pick up a bottle, that moment was it.

  I’d asked him to sit back down, because honest to God I thought he might pass out or something. He was in a weird kind of daze… kinda like what happened before he went onstage sometimes. Like this private, mini panic attack, where he disappeared inside himself and went blank.

  It scared the shit out of me.

  When he didn’t stop, when he left the room despite my protests, I decided it would be better to let him go, give him space.

  But then Jude called me looking for him. He told me Brody was flying out to talk to me and Zane, and I quickly discovered that no one could find him… and I panicked.

  For the next few hours, I ran through every horrendous possibility in my head.

  He was fucking someone else.

  He was drinking.

  He’d been arrested.

  He was injured.

  Each scenario just got worse and worse, until I actually feared, when he didn’t answer his phone the umpteenth time I called, that he might be dead.

  That all our bullshit had pushed him to drink, and now he was gone.

  Forever.

  When he came back, and I hugged him in Brody’s hotel room and I felt his warmth, smelled his familiar smell and felt his heart beating against my chest, so strong… I didn’t want to let go. I never wanted to let him go again.

  But I knew—that wasn’t up to me anymore.

  I wanted a drink.

  Hearing Zane say those words… it crushed me.

  Because of me, because I’d hurt him, he could’ve gone on a bender that ended in some horrendous tragedy… A tragedy that might’ve been avoided if I’d stopped fighting him. If I’d just let myself love him.

  But he didn’t drink. Instead he came back and told us what happened.

  Which meant that whatever Zane and I were going through, together or apart, I knew it wasn’t up to me anymore to decide if and when it was okay for me to get close to him again.

  It was up to Zane.

  That night in Salt Lake City, we had our band meeting in the hotel, in Brody’s room. No one was in the room except the members of Dirty and me, Brody, Jude and Shady.

  Brody filled everyone in on the situation, and he pulled no punches. The fact that Zane had almost drank in Vegas. That he was giving himself one chance to continue with the tour and stay sober while he did it.

  That he wasn’t smoking weed anymore.

  That it was the responsibility of every person in this room to support him.

  He informed them all that Talia would be handling Zane’s personal schedule. That Zane would be spending his time at the gym and AA meetings in favor of parties and bars, and that until further notice there would be no booze and no drugs of any kind backstage.

  He also informed them that yes, Zane and I were married, legally, but that we currently weren’t together, and beyond that, it was the business of absolutely no one but Zane and I.

  Brody did all the talking, so Zane and I wouldn’t have to. When he was done, he asked, “Any questions?”

  There were no questions at all. We’d all been through this before—at least, the addiction part—and we all knew how serious it w
as. And one thing I knew for sure: every person in this room cared more about Zane than about the tour.

  “I have something to say,” Zane said, turning to Matt. “I owe you an apology for flipping my shit on you. Maggie said you weren’t doing anything out of line. Just hard for me to see it that way. I get kinda bent out of shape about it, you know, since she’s my wife.”

  Everyone was silent. It probably wasn’t lost on anyone that Zane had just described me as his wife. Again.

  And there was definitely a little bite in his tone. Kinda like an apology-slash-laying-of-claim.

  I felt Elle’s eyes on me.

  “I didn’t know, man,” Matt said.

  “No one knew,” I offered, trying to let Matt off the hook. Maybe some people knew, but it wasn’t Matt’s fault he didn’t.

  Matt glanced at me, then looked at Zane again. “I’m not gonna lie,” he added, cautiously, “and pretend my intentions were entirely honorable. But it won’t happen again.”

  Zane’s eyes narrowed as he considered that. Then he said, “Then we don’t have a problem.”

  There was nothing else to discuss, at least not in a group setting, so the meeting broke. I was relieved to see Matt walk up to Zane and the two of them have a hug. By the looks of things, everyone else was headed in Zane’s direction to do the same.

  I headed for the door, but Elle caught up to me. For a pregnant woman, she moved pretty quick.

  “Are you alright, Maggie?” she asked me, her steel-gray eyes full of concern. She smoothed a hand over her belly and studied me.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I’m alright.”

  “If you want to talk…”

  “I don’t want to talk right now. Is that okay?”

  “Of course,” she said. “Of course it’s okay. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

  “I do,” I said. Then I thanked her and slipped out.

  I was standing backstage at the Salt Lake City show two nights later. It was only the second concert Zane would play without smoking up in God-knew-how-long.

  And I was nervous for him.

  I was with him and the rest of the band in a dressing room, and he didn’t look particularly nervous. He was talking with Jesse and Seth, joking around and semi-arguing about the changes they’d made to the set list, and I just watched him.