Dirty Like Zane: A Dirty Rockstar Romance (Dirty, Book 6)

by Jaine Diamond

  “Scared? Why?” he demanded. “Still?”

  “Yes. Still. I mean, my fears weren’t gonna just magically evaporate overnight.”

  As he stared at me, I realized that was exactly what he’d thought would happen. Or hoped would happen.

  “You know,” I added, trying to soften that in case it made him feel bad, “it’s like I’ve told you before. I don’t really think of myself as a fearful person. Heights, spiders, horror movies… whatever. I just don’t have any weird phobias about scary stuff—”

  “How about clown dolls?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

  “Uh, no.”

  “No? So… that time we were in the toy store picking out gifts for baby Nick, and that clown doll with the acid-trip eyes made you scream… you weren’t scared?”

  “That doesn’t count. It jumped on me from the shelf.”

  “Pretty sure it fell.”

  “And I didn’t scream.”

  “Oh yes, you did. Like Ned Flanders.”

  “Anyway,” I said. “Like I was saying. I don’t scare easily. But when it comes to this… I don’t know, Zane… My bones feel kinda mushy and I see spots. Honestly… I’ve never been so scared of anything in my life.”

  “Spots?”

  “Yeah. Like these dark spots kinda float around and I feel like I might pass out.” Zane stared at me, searching my face, like he might be able to see these dark spots if he tried hard enough. “But hey, at least I don’t pass out, right?”

  “If you do,” he said, still eying me, “I’ll try to catch you before you crack your head open on something.”

  “Thanks. That’s sweet.” I swallowed, picking at my food. I’d definitely been picking at it more than eating it.

  “Babe.” He reached to take my hand in his. He ran his thumb over my knuckles, exactly the way he’d smoothed it over my wedding ring when we’d stood together at the altar. “Tell me why you’re so scared.”

  “Well…” I cleared my throat again and looked into his eyes. “Maybe because I’ve never cared this much about anything in my life?”

  His eyes scanned my face again, like he was trying to assess the truth in that. “Never?” And I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking about my job, how obsessive and serious I was about it.

  But the fact was, a good chunk of the reason for that was… well… him.

  Besides—stupidly—wanting to impress my dad, I’d also always wanted to please Zane.

  “Never,” I told him. “I don’t want to lose you, Zane.” I looked down at his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I can’t lose you.”

  “You won’t.” He touched my chin and tipped my face toward his so our eyes met again. “If I know one thing that’s true beyond all other things, Maggie Omura, it’s that you’re never gonna lose me.”

  I absorbed that, nodding. “We should eat,” I said, too nervous to really enjoy the romance in what he’d said. “I should, uh, get to that phone call. As soon as I’m done with my dad, I’ll meet up with Brody, okay? And I’ll organize a dinner for tonight. Somewhere nice where we can get a big table in a private room or something.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  I looked at my plate, but the beautifully prepared breakfast didn’t look so appetizing anymore.

  “You gonna be okay?”

  “Actually, I feel like I might be a little sick. Like… is it okay if I throw up a bit?”

  “Sure, babe. Whatever you’ve gotta do.”

  “Is this how you feel before you go onstage?”

  “No.”

  “Stop smiling.”

  I could hear it in his voice, even though I wasn’t looking at his face.

  “I can do all the talking, Maggie,” he offered, gently. “You don’t even have to say anything. All you have to do is sit there and look gorgeous.”

  I looked at him. His eyes were twinkling a little again—this time, amused and sympathetic. I couldn’t even help smiling back. But my stomach churned with nerves.

  And I realized there was another reason I was so nervous.

  I didn’t want to let Zane down. I’d promised him we were doing this, and I really didn’t want to fuck it up or somehow hurt him… ever again.

  “No,” I said. “It should come from me. I feel like it has to come from me. I’m the one who made you wait this long. I’m the one who made us both lie to everyone for so long and keep this secret.”

  “You had your reasons. It’s not all on you, Maggie.”

  “Yeah. But I need to be the one to break the silence.”

  He held my gaze, and I tried to convey my conviction and dedication to this, even as my stomach rolled. “If that’s how you want it to be.”

  “That’s how I need it to be.”

  “Okay.” He squeezed my hand. But he didn’t even try to kiss me—like he understood that it would distract me from eating, and in order to get through this day, I really needed to eat.

  Then he put on some music. It was Guns N’ Roses, “Think About You.”

  We ate the rest of our breakfast without a word. And I managed to keep mine down… even when Zane kept smiling at me.

  The next time I saw my husband, I was walking into the private dining room I’d booked in a restaurant near our hotel.

  We’d both had a busy day. Him with promotional work, and me with trying not to hyperventilate every time I thought about the two of us being together, for real, out in the open… and calculated the odds of either of us somehow screwing it up.

  Zane was already seated at the table. It was a long, wide table, and there were two place settings at the head of the table where he sat. One setting for him… and one, the only one at the table that wasn’t yet taken, obviously for me.

  I sat down next to him without a word. I would’ve been on time or early, as usual, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d had what I figured was my first legit anxiety attack in the ladies’ room on the way in. Heart pounding, cold sweats, and the overwhelming desire to climb out the window.

  But I’d gotten past it.

  Zane kissed me on the cheek, though I didn’t think anyone particularly noticed. No one seemed to notice anything was out of the ordinary, even though he was being all glittery about me sitting next to him. He was flashing his panty-wetting smiles all over the place, and everyone else seemed to be in a great mood too.

  It was already loud in the room. The table was set for sixteen people, and it was now full. Every member of Dirty was here along with their partners. Brody, whom I’d met with privately this afternoon, just like I’d told Zane I would, was here with Jessa. Jude, Roni, Alec and Talia were here, and I’d also invited Shady.

  As far as everyone in the room knew, this was just a regular Dirty dinner party on a Thursday evening. A dry dinner party; in honor of Zane, there wasn’t a drop of booze in the room. In order to make sure everyone showed up, I’d told them we were going to have a little nonalcoholic toast to acknowledge that Zane had been clean for two months.

  For a little while, I chatted with Katie about… what? I had no idea. I was just kinda running on autopilot and hoping no one would notice how unusually sweaty I was.

  Then, as soon as the food had been ordered, Zane put his hand on my thigh under the table and squeezed. But it definitely wasn’t a trying-to-slip-his-hand-under-my-short-dress squeeze. More of a Can-we-do-this-now? squeeze.

  He was excited. Every time I looked at him, I could see it. The twinkle in his blue eyes… The little grin that never left his face. I could feel it emanating off of him like invisible rock star glitter.

  He glanced at me now and I rolled my eyes.

  He just grinned bigger.

  Then he picked up his water glass and started clinking his rings on the side of it, until everyone somewhat quieted down. When that didn’t totally work, he got to his feet and shouted out, “EVERYONE! SHUT IT. Jesse Mayes, that means you.”

  Everyone stopped talking and finally gave Zane their full attention. Even Jesse.

 
; Zane offered me his hand and helped me to my feet, which was good, because I was feeling a little unsteady in my heels.

  “Maggie and I have something to say,” he announced.

  He let go of my hand and waited for me to speak.

  “Right,” I said, my voice about as wobbly as my knees. “First of all, thank you all for being here on time and everything. I mean, I know you all have other stuff to do and it’s nice we can all, uh, get together. And as you know, I wanted to acknowledge Zane and how amazing he’s been doing… I mean, he’s been clean for over two months now. Sixty-six days, to be exact. Totally clean, and… I’m really proud of him. So, I thought we could have a little dry toast. To Zane Traynor.”

  It wasn’t the word’s greatest toast. I fumbled my way through it, definitely feeling less-eloquent than usual, but oh well. The backs of my knees were all clammy and my heart was hammering pretty hard, too.

  I had no problem giving orders and telling people what to do on a daily basis. But having to stand up and speak in front of a bunch of people I cared about, about personal stuff?

  I felt mildly petrified, like the world’s creepiest clown doll had just attacked my face.

  I lifted my glass and so did everyone else, and a bunch of people called out supportive comments like, “We love you, Zane!”

  I glanced at him; he was staring at me, and he looked pretty astonished, actually. He had no idea I was going to do this.

  “To Zane,” Brody said from the other end of the table, where he was sitting with Jessa. I caught Jessa’s eye, and she smiled at me.

  “To Zane,” everyone said, and they clinked glasses.

  I clinked my glass to the two people closest to me—Katie, who was seated beside me, and Shady, who was on the other side of Zane. Then I raised my glass to Zane himself, and he touched his glass to mine. “Proud of you,” I whispered to him.

  The sparkle in his eyes shifted in the candlelight… from surprised and joyful to proud and touched. Then we all took a sip of our nonalcoholic drinks.

  Zane’s blue eyes stayed on me, and I knew he was waiting for me to say that other thing….

  “Oh… and, uh, before you all get talking again…” I said, holding everyone’s attention, “there’s something else.”

  I set my glass down and took a deep breath. Everyone was staring at me. I felt Zane next to me, solid and still. I could feel the warmth coming off his arm. We weren’t even touching, but if felt like they all knew anyway. We were standing so damn close.

  Even though Brody and I had discussed it today, it was somehow still totally nerve-wracking, standing up here, preparing to tell them all about us. I’d been candid with Brody about my fears, about the risk I knew I was taking; that I knew I’d probably have to leave Dirty if things between Zane and I didn’t work out. He’d said he understood, but assured me absolutely nothing regarding my job was going to change, and if I ever left, it would be my choice—not because anyone was ever going to ask me to leave.

  But it still felt awkward.

  I feared their judgment, their doubt, and their response to this. And I really didn’t want to cause drama or be the center of attention.

  I just had to do this anyway. For Zane, and for me.

  For us.

  “Zane and I just… uh… wanted to let you all know that… well…” My voice kinda faded out on a little squeak.

  Fuck.

  How was I supposed to do this?

  Just rip the bandage off, Maggie. You can do it.

  Well, shit. Why can’t you be here for this, Mom?

  I looked down the table at all the familiar faces, everyone waiting for me to speak, but I couldn’t quite see their eyes.

  Tell them already. Give them a chance to be happy for you.

  But what if they’re not, Mom?

  They will be.

  But how do you know that?

  Because they love you like I do.

  My vision was getting a little wobbly. Dark spots… And all I could see clearly was Brody’s face at the end of the table. He gave me a nod, and I blinked.

  “We’re together,” I blurted out, my voice filling the silence. “We’ve been together, sort of, for a while now, and we’ve had some ups and downs, but we just want it to be clear that we’re together now.”

  Silence.

  “I mean, we’re a couple.” Wasn’t sure why I felt the need to clarify that, but there it was.

  No one said anything. A few of the guys looked at Zane, like they were waiting for him to say something.

  Then Jesse raised his hand, slowly, like he wanted to speak, until Katie noticed and snatched it back, shoved it in her lap—and sealed her hand over his mouth.

  “We’re married,” I went on, my voice cracking a little, kinda like it did at the altar when I said I do. Jesus, there were so many eyes on me… “Husband and wife. And that’s how it’s going to be.”

  Oh my God, I’m dying.

  I could feel the heat creeping up into my face as I turned that special shade of red that a girl with my skin tone should never turn. They all just kept staring at me, and even though the dark spots were dancing over my vision and I couldn’t seem to focus on anyone in particular, I could feel the raised eyebrows and the smirks.

  I cleared my throat.

  “That’s all. Thank you.”

  I smoothed my dress to sit down, feeling so stiff I wasn’t sure I could hinge enough at the waist to get my ass into my seat. I threw a desperate glance at Zane, who kinda snorted with suppressed laughter, then grabbed me before I could sit down.

  He laid a kiss on me so hard it almost knocked me over—would have, if he wasn’t already cradling me in his arms, dipping me way-low while he mauled my mouth.

  In front of everyone.

  People started applauding and making rude noises. I heard some girly cheering and someone shouted “Get a room!” but it was kinda fuzzy and far away, like I was underwater or something… as I kissed Zane right back. And everyone else in the room just kinda disappeared.

  The spots cleared, replaced with a different kind of blurred vision as the heat cranked up between us, and Zane held me tight against his hard body. Then he pulled his mouth away from mine with a grin and I gasped for air, as discreetly as I could.

  He stood me back up, holding me tight against him.

  He grinned down the table at our friends, who were clapping and whistling. It was pretty damn loud, and everyone seemed to be getting to their feet as the blood thumped in my head.

  “That’s all I have to say,” Zane shouted over the ruckus, and then he sat down in his seat like a king, taking me with him. He pulled me into his lap and I buried my face in his neck, hiding my tomato-red face. “It’s alright, babe,” he murmured in my ear. “You did good.”

  Then I felt a hand on my back that wasn’t Zane’s. I peeked up to find Katie standing over me, smiling and bouncing up-and-down, waving me into her arms. There were tears in her eyes.

  Zane let me go as I got up and hugged her. I clung to her, actually, as she whispered, “Are you happy?”

  “Yes,” I practically sobbed back. All my emotions were twisted up and amplified, like everything Zane and I had been through was coming together in this one beautiful, embarrassing moment.

  “Oh my god, Maggie,” Katie gushed in my ear, “I’m so happy for you!”

  I groaned in pain. “Is this what it’s like for you? Everyone staring all the time…?” I saw people lining up behind her to hug me; Jessa and Amber and Talia… as the guys piled in on the other side to congratulate Zane.

  “Pretty much.” Katie laughed and gave me a final squeeze of reassurance. “Or staring at my husband. But you know what? You get used to it.”

  Sweet Jesus, I hoped so.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Zane

  Jesus, my wife was feisty.

  First she told me she was so scared she was gonna puke, then she blindsided me with an emotional toast that got me all choked up, then she screwed th
e hell out of me in the ladies’ room of the restaurant… Then I woke up in my hotel bed in the morning to find her binding my wrists over my head with my own belt and climbing on top of me.

  I was hard as fuck, because she’d woken me up from a really good dream… Although, on second thought, maybe she’d caused the dream. She was running her hands all over my naked body and who knew how long she’d been doing that?

  She was kissing her way down my stomach, too, nibbling and full-on biting as she went, and goosebumps broke out all over me.

  “Shit, woman… what’re you doing…?” I asked sleepily, not really caring what the answer was as long as she kept doing that.

  Maggie bit my hip, then swirled her tongue over the spot where she’d probably left little teeth marks.

  “I just really, really need to taste you,” she whispered in her husky-sweet morning voice, her warm breath tickling my skin. Her soft fingertips drifted over my rigid dick and I tensed all over. Every nerve was waking up and sparking to life, and I groaned as she licked her way down to my dick. “I need to fuck you, right now…”

  But she didn’t fuck me.

  She took a deep breath instead, her nose against my skin, smelling me. Making little mmmmm noises as she brushed her lips over my skin, licking and teasing, but never putting her mouth anywhere close enough to my cock.

  “Oh God,” she gushed, like she was almost in pain. “You smell so good. Like, I smell you and I have to have you, immediately. It’s an automatic response…”

  “Welcome to my life…”

  She grunted a bit of a laugh as she sat up and finally threw her leg over me. She was straddling my hips on her knees, and I felt the warmth and the softness of her bare pussy just brushing against my dick, and it was pure torture.

  “I’m gonna fuck you,” she informed me, almost in a daze. As I looked up at her in the hazy morning light, her lips were swollen from kissing me and her eyelids were low. “Without a condom. But you have to make sure you don’t come inside me.” She reached down between her legs to grasp my cock and stroke me, twisting slowly as she spoke. “You have to warn me and I’ll get off.”