A Girl Corrupted by the Internet Is the Summoned Hero?!

by Eliezer Yudkowsky

  “Disaster! Emergency! It's terrible!”

  People are running around shrieking things like this. Apparently the Wicked Emperor's military forces have surrounded this camp and they outnumber us by three hundred million billion trillion to one.

  Hey, idiot with the white robes and long staff, is it the usual practice that the Hero is Summoned to overthrow the current greatest evil?

  Is it true that the Great Summoning can only be performed at this time, in this place, within the circle of standing stones?

  DIDN'T YOU IMAGINE THE WICKED EMPEROR MIGHT DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAAAT-T-T!?

  This is definitely a punishment from the vengeful gods because I let myself look forward to easy times.

  “Summoned Hero!” cries the old warrior with the chainmail that's been following me around. “Yugano Yuuki! What must we do? How can we survive?”

  My mind races rapidly and I seize on the first answer that comes to mind. “Quick, grab all the pairs of underpants you can and wear them over your heads! Then, attack the Enemy with watermelons!”

  People stare at me.

  Maybe answering with the very first thing that came to mind was a bit much, but—

  “I have a one hundred percent probability of overturning the Wicked Emperor,” I point out. “It's not that every possible choice we could make, would lead to victory. But whatever I end up deciding to actually do, that particular course of action has a one hundred percent chance of victory. So if we actually attack with watermelons, we'll definitely win!”

  The old warrior clutches at his head. “Leaving aside all my other objections, we don't even have any watermelons!”

  What? This is disastrous! I can't think of any different plans! Or rather, all my other plans involve having not gotten into this situation in the first place!

  “We're doomed!” shrieks a white mage running past. A second later, he's running past again in the opposite direction. “Doomed, I tell you, doomed!”

  The old man pulls himself together, a grimness settling over him. “The absolute goal is to allow you to escape, the Summoned Hero who will certainly succeed. Even if I and all this camp must sacrifice ourselves to break out of this encirclement, it's all right so long as you go free.”

  H-hey! What are you saying? Should so many people die to save me, a girl with no redeeming qualities? I'd never sleep again!

  “I'll make you up a pack with weapons,” the old man is saying. “Trust nobody, for the Wicked Emperor will seed this area with spies. Live off the forest, even if you eat seeds and berries for years, it's wiser than appearing before a human being. Live, and in time, be the certain instrument of our vengeance!”

  I already had my doubts about this course of action, but that settles it. Anything that involves living without toilet paper is not a realistic option for me. Besides, although I'm new to my Angel, there's no doubt I will be an overpowered character. “I have a better idea. I'm the girl with a one hundred percent chance of victory, so let's reverse your strategy. Why don't I hold off the Wicked Emperor's armies, while the rest of you make your escape?”

  The old man is speechless at my brilliance. His mouth opens and shuts several times.

  The Angel on my shoulder is nodding approvingly. Yes, this noble act of mine must be a righteous deed by local standards.

  “Listen,” I say, “if I know I have a one hundred percent chance of success regardless, I won't choose a course where people die for me along the way.” Who knows, maybe I can close out this quest in just one day. If there's a novel with me as an overpowered heroine, that's definitely how it should go!

  And tha~at's how I found myself on a hill gazing down sternly at the Wicked Emperor's military forces.

  Ha, these thousands of cavalry on their shining horses, the countless bowmen glowering at me, and foot soldiers stretching over the hills and out of sight—you don't impress me. I've seen pictures of real armies! With guns, and helicopters, and tanks on aircraft carriers!

  Seeing that your enemy has fielded a single girl standing alone on this hill, are the looks on your faces fearful? Of course not! Bewildered contempt is more like it! But soon, those looks will change!

  Oh dear, what's this? I seem to have acquired a straggler. Are you under the impression you've joined my party without my say-so? That's very forward of you.

  “I won't let you stand alone!” The noble-looking boy says that, holding his sword aloft and, yes, it's flashing in the sun.

  Are you under the impression this is cool? Aragorn-sama from the Lord of the Rings movies is cool when he does this. You're just a kid.

  “My name is Teragon Omoia, and I'll be with you to the end, Yugano Yuuki.” He's trembling, but still manages to smile.

  I can't let myself be outdone by this upstaging interloper. With a breezy gesture, I flip my hair behind me so that the wind can blow around my glossy black strands. “Oi, oi, what's this about endings? I am Summoned Hero Yuuki, the overpowered character with a one hundred percent chance of success! I'll definitely win this day! Because the sheer perversion of the desires I'm repressing to be pure, is something that nobody from this world can possibly beat! I'll show you the power of a girl that's been corrupted by the Internet!”

  The boy is looking even more nervous than he was before. I point at the army before me with a commanding gesture, and toss my head so my hair will blow nobly in the wind some more. “My Angel! This is my command under our compact of purity! Knock them all unconscious, but don't kill them!” I cup my hands together to emit a mighty energy blast. “ETERNAL… RAINBOW… SHIMMERING… LASER… THUNDER…”

  …anyway, that's how I ended up tightly bound on a cart heading back to the Wicked Empire.

  5. I'm going to be sacrificed?!

  It's time to face up to some uncomfortable possibilities.

  One possibility is that since the Wicked Empire already had our camp surrounded from the beginning, there was no Hero anywhere who could overcome that disadvantage, and the Summoning Spell was doing the equivalent of dividing by zero.

  Or since no Hero had any chance of success, the Summoning Spell kept searching until it happened upon a weird girl that broke its evaluation system and wrongly registered a 100% probability of victory.

  But on the other hand, I'm still alive! Even if I turned out not to be a sufficiently overpowered character and was shamefully captured after knocking only eight knights off their horses! I'm on my way to the Empire, and a sudden reversal of fortunes leading up to my predestined success is a definite possibility!

  I wish the person who tied me up had been more experienced in shibari and had tied me in more interesting knots, so long as I'm forced to live through this part. The feel of real rope against my skin is different from just seeing pictures of it. I want to struggle and acquaint myself with the sensation, but these boring knots are looped only around my hands and feet.

  There's a paper strip stuck firmly to my forehead, applied by a sick-looking woman dressed in black. When she did that to me, the same seal appeared over my Angel's mouth as well.

  It's sunset before anyone gets around to feeding me.

  I try to look grateful for my plate of food. It contains meat, which is probably a luxury in this primitive world. The bread looks freshly baked and without bugs in it. The cheese is only slightly stale. I believe they must be trying to feed me well for army rations… but, comparing this to the cuisine of Earth is pointless.

  I've held out well up until this point, but the thought of never again eating dark chocolates with a vanilla caramel center causes a single tear to run down my cheek. Complex sweets are probably as far beyond this world's technology level as carbon steel.

  The Empire soldier who's feeding me sees my tearful cheek, and smiles darkly. Do you have that interest, soldier-san? I remember my 'pictures of crying boys' phase… oh, I was so much more innocent then.

  “Thanks for feeding me, soldier-san.” I let a quaver into my voice. “What's going to happen to me after this? Hey, soldier-s
an, would you tell me what happens after this?” This young maiden might cry mo~re if you tell her! Would you like to see my cheeks wetted with more tears, soldier-san?

  The soldier chuckles evilly. You're easy that way, aren't you, soldier-san.

  “The Wicked Vizier,” the soldier says, each word spoken with slow relish, “has ordered the Summoned Hero and all her companions brought before him, alive and mostly unhurt.” He pauses. “I expect you'll be violated by him to rid you of your Angel… and then, sacrificed to a Demon.”

  Hm. I let a stammer into my voice. “W-what does being sacrificed to a Demon entail p-precisely? Can you be more s-specific?” I blink my eyes repeatedly, as though I'm about to burst into tears.

  “You become the Demon's plaything and it humiliates you in unimaginably horrific ways.”

  “T-thank you for telling me, soldier-san.” I make myself swallow hard. “Do the Demons have t-t-tentacles?”

  The soldier stares blankly at me. “What?”

  “It would be really s-scary if the Demons had slimy tentacles and they used them to p-p-penetrate my -”

  The soldier's face goes red. He makes a strangled sound and bolts from my cart, leaving my plate of food behind.

  This world… really is a very innocent place, isn't it.

  Great, now my Angel is emitting that high-pitched shrieking sound again, audible even through its seal.

  6. Is this my story's shocking twist?!

  It's a gloomy day when my cart rolls into the capital city of the Wicked Empire, which is dirty, covered in horse manure, and essentially uninhabited compared to Tokyo. The Wicked Palace is set with crystal and gold that makes it gleam in the sun, but the pictures I've seen of the Taj Mahal have it beat.

  As we approach the palace, the unbearable odor goes away, and I can once more smell myself thinking.

  Am I truly going to be violated? Is today the day my virginity will be torn away from me?

  I want to be excited by the thought, but a part of me is muttering realistic thoughts about it being painful, unexciting, and probably a lifelong trauma. Shut up, part of me. Thinking that way is probably increasing the chance that I'll be traumatized.

  Maybe the Wicked Vizier will be enchanted by this beautiful yet impure virgin. Maybe he's the only one here who's twisted enough to suit me. We'll fall in lo~ve and do all sorts of perverse things to each other, and together we'll overthrow the Wicked Emperor with one hundred percent probability!

  …I wouldn't mind that, actually? It's not how I thought my week would go, but I am essentially okay with this.

  All right, certain victory, here I come! Try number two! Yosh!

  Quit shrieking in that tinny voice, you useless Angel. My husband and I will be wise and benevolent co-rulers, I'm sure. This is for everyone's good.

  I'm being bathed before I see the Wicked Vizier! This is a good sign which implies he may be attracted to my nubile body. I'm relieved that things are going just as planned.

  The bath is the size of a large living room, with lukewarm, vaguely lemon-scented water.

  The bath attendants are catgirl maidens. Their ears are cute, and the bodies beneath them are feminine and well-curved. But they're nearly nude for the bath, instead of wearing maid uniforms. They don't even have slave shackles on their wrists and ankles. Also no collar or bell, but then I think that element is somewhat worn by now. I would rate these catgirl maidens at 4 of 10.

  Having someone else to wash my hair is nice, though.

  After I'm dried off, my plan to entice the Wicked Vizier hits a roadblock. There's no way for me to dress seductively! I can select from many sets of clothing, but all of them are similar. I can wear anything I want, so long as I want a floor-length white dress with long sleeves and a neckline so high it's a chin-line.

  Does the Wicked Vizier only want to do perverse things to girls who appear pure? That would be a devastating setback! If he doesn't enjoy even a hint of naughtiness, I'm done for!

  I consider demanding to wear only the panties and under-slip for the outfit, but these panties are something my grandmother would wear, and besides, I might lose my nerve.

  In the end I just leave out the panties, like in that phase I went through a few years back. It's the physical proof I'll provide for having an impure mind.

  This food is acceptable.

  I'm brought into a small, windowless office and chained to a massive chair facing a small throne. The chair itself is comfortable, but someone in this world needs to invent fur-lined handcuffs.

  After checking my security, the guards depart.

  The Wicked Vizier doesn't have a pointed beard to stroke, and his hair is greying. His bushy eyebrows and generally thin look don't make up that critical deficit. I will allow this person to pass as an evil counselor, but only barely.

  “I trust your reception here has been to your liking?” The Wicked Vizier says this in a voice that is low and ominous, so my rating of him goes up by one point.

  “Meh, it was adequate. I appreciated the bath.”

  “Good, good.” The Wicked Vizier smiles. “Your noble companion, calling himself Taragon of Omoia, is in fine health as well.”

  There's a pause. I'm waiting for the Wicked Vizier to ominously say 'for now', but he doesn't. “Well, thanks,” I reply.

  “Yugano Yuuki - that is your name, correct?”

  I nod.

  “Tell me, Yugano Yuuki, why do you think I commanded you to be brought here?”

  “You're going to violate me and then sacrifice me to a Demon.”

  The Wicked Vizier's eyebrows go up. “This prospect doesn't seem to alarm you.”

  Although it's possible the Great Summoning Spell was mistaken, it's also possible that it wasn't. It would be naive to despair entirely after being told that I have a one hundred percent chance of victory. So I'm focusing on that hope; there's no reason to spend much time considering the alternative. “Mm,” I say, “I was hoping that I could seduce you.”

  The Wicked Vizier coughs. “That's… quite straightforward of you.”

  Either I have a one hundred percent chance of succeeding or I don't. Thus, there's no point beating around the bush. “A young maiden like me has no chance of concealing her intentions from you who must be steeped in deception, cruelty, and fascinating perversions.” I smile winsomely at him. I want to also lean forward and show off my cleavage, but this stupid dress won't allow it.

  The Wicked Vizier is keeping a neutral face. “What if it happens that you're not my type?”

  “I'll have no choice but to seduce the Demon you sacrifice me to.”

  A coughing sound comes from the Wicked Vizier. He clears his throat, then says, “I perceive that you are filled with great hope and dynamism. This is an admirable quality in a youth.”

  “Thanks, future husband-sama!”

  “Correct me if I'm mistaken, but doesn't that Angel-sealing paper strip on your forehead imply that you formed an Angelic contract?”

  “Well, but I'm not a virgin because I have a pure mind. Rather, I'm a virgin because my desires are so twisted and perverse that ordinary misbehavior doesn't appeal to me.” I smile at him and wiggle my eyebrows. “Does that kind of girl appeal to you? By the way, underneath this dress you gave me, I'm not wearing any pa~nties.”

  The Wicked Vizier's eyes drop lower before he wrenches them back up to meet my smiling gaze.

  “Do you want to che~ck? Undoing my chains first is unnecessary, I'm into that too.”

  The Wicked Vizier takes a breath. “Yugano Yuuki, I appreciate that you're an inexperienced woman trying to entice a man in order to save her life. But for future consideration, you should remember that there's a difference between seducing someone, and being as lewd as possible in their direction.”

  Hm. “We might be dealing with a conflict of cultural assumptions. Where I come from, every man has one desire so horrible that he can't believe any girl would go along with it, and the key to seduction is hinting that you might be open to hav
ing it done to you.”

  “Just what kind of world did you inhabit before you came here?!”

  I take a deep breath and straighten my back, because the pride of Earth demands that my words do it justice. “Thicker than the air I breathed, I was surrounded by the Internet, the greatest creation of my race! A device of pure thought larger than countries, powered directly by the life-force of its billions of wielders! With a second's effort we could speak to one another even on opposite ends of the world! It embodied all of our kind's knowledge—and also contained the sum of our every impure desire! Unspeakable fantasies encountering each other and building on one another, degenerating ever further into the seething pits of madness! The ultimate wisdom combined with the ultimate depravity, constantly accompanying us and whispering into our ears! I'm exaggerating here, but only slightly… anyway, that's how I grew up.”

  The Wicked Vizier is looking down at his knees. “Although it's too late now, I wonder if we've arrived at an unnecessary extreme.”

  “What do you mean?”

  The Wicked Vizier seems to regain his composure. “Did the former rebellion's mages have time to explain to you the principle of the Great Summoning Spell, before we captured their camp?”

  I lean back and frown. This is not going as I expected—but, if my one hundred percent chance of victory lies along some other path, I will quickly swerve and seize it! “Just the fundamentals of the basics. For instance, it was explained to me that the Great Summoning is possible once every three centuries. Thinking about the possibilities on my way to the capital, I imagined that a charge builds up between the worlds, and the spell discharges it.”

  “Those details are not important right now. Did the mages explain to you that the Great Summoning Spell selects the Hero with the greatest probability of achieving a specified outcome?”

  I nod.

  “Only Angelic mages can perform the Great Summoning, which is why we didn't capture the site and perform the ritual ourselves. Furthermore, it is impossible to suborn an Angelic mage because their Angels won't assist them in deliberate misdeeds. The rule of using the Hero to overturn the world's greatest evil has a long tradition behind it, so a spy can't persuade the rebellion otherwise. Then I pose to you this riddle: how can an outsider exert their own influence over the Hero Summoning and use it to their purpose?”