Hexes and Exes

by Sarina Dorie

  I blinked at the light and tried to see the expression on his face. It would be a scowl of disappointment, I was certain. I had accidentally lost control again.

  The light should have been enough to see by, though the angle was more like a flashlight pointing down at the ground under my dress. It would have taken a ridiculous amount of rolling on the ground to aim it anywhere. I stood there, blinding myself so that I couldn’t see into the shadows, vulnerably visible. The light slowly faded from brilliant white to a rainbow circle, like a color wheel, before dissipating.

  “I’m sorry,” I stammered, uncertain what to say or how to make any of this better.

  I scanned the shadows, trying to find him. A glowing light punctuated the silhouettes of the trees in the distance. White illumination bobbed through the forest. The ground thundered with hoof beats. Ghostly horses, as luminescent as the moon, leapt out of the trees and galloped along a path I hadn’t been able to see in the darkness. Not horses, I realized. On top of their heads were glowing horns.

  Unicorns!

  A black shape darted away from them and thrashed its way into the bushes. Fire erupted from a chimera’s mouth. A unicorn kicked at another shadow.

  The herd of unicorns circled around me and stomped their hooves, driving the chimeras away.

  “Get lost, pegasus breath,” one of the unicorns called after the creature.

  “That’s right. Go home to your mommy, donkule butt,” said another.

  I recognized that Bronx accent, seemingly out of place in the forest.

  “Bart?” I asked. “Jo Jo? Clyde?” Bart had been the rainbow-haired unicorn I’d ridden after he’d found me lost in the woods last time. He was no longer glittering and covered in a palette of colors. Under the luminescence coming from their horns he looked black and gray, dappled like a wild mustang. He was the only one I could tell from the others because of his white mane, though I knew some of their names.

  “I smell apples and purity. I smell a virgin,” said one of the unicorns.

  “I smell awakened dreams, unrequited love, and Herbal Essences shampoo.”

  Holy cow! It was creepy how accurate that was. I seriously wondered how they knew brand names in the Unseen Realm.

  “It’s Clarissa,” one whispered.

  Bart stood a ways off from the others, watching me. He stomped his foot, glitter shimmering across his back and haunches. His mane changed from silvery-white to rainbow and his fur shifted from gray to black velvet. Staring at his beauty made my breath catch in my throat. He made my childhood fantasy of playing with a life-sized My Little Pony come true.

  One of the unicorns brushed up against me, nuzzling my forehead. “Hey, sweetheart. Come here often?”

  “Why is there rope on the ground? Did someone tie you up?” a brown-and-white unicorn asked. “Is this some kind of kinky sex thing?”

  “No. My friend was using me as bait.” I didn’t say I was unicorn bait. The idea might offend them.

  “What kind of friend ties a fair maiden to a tree and leaves her in a chimera-infested forest?” one asked.

  “A coworker,” I said. I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. It had been the most perfect kiss I’d ever experienced. I hated to admit it to myself, but it was better than the one time Derrick had kissed me.

  Unfortunately, Thatch would probably be even meaner to me now.

  “Pardon me.” Bart pushed his way through the other unicorns and made his way to my side. “Coming through. Back away, guys. You know Clarissa and I have a special bond. She chose to ride me the last time we met, not any of you mules. She’s my human.”

  He had to be joking. The other unicorns grudgingly backed away. It appeared he was serious.

  “Excuse me. I’m not anyone’s human,” I said.

  “Technically, he’s right. Bart has claimed you as his virgin,” one of them grumbled.

  Bart nudged my hand with his nose. I hoped this wasn’t like the Raven Queen wanting to claim me.

  Reluctantly, I patted his nose. “Thanks for rescuing me and all, but we need to talk about this claiming business. What does that even mean? Are you going to keep me prisoner?”

  Bart grunted, beads of sweat sparkling on his haunches as he tossed back his mane of magnificent rainbow hair. “No, unicorns don’t hoard virgins. That’s more of a dragon thing. It just means that I get to be your unicorn. When you come to the forest and summon a unicorn, it will be me. When you need rescuing or need a ride somewhere, that will be my job. You’ll pet me and feed me carrots, and tell me how pretty I am.”

  “You are very pretty,” I admitted. If that’s all I had to do, this didn’t seem so bad. “But I didn’t bring you any carrots. I brought apples.”

  “Oh boy! Even better.”

  The rest of the herd trampled away, taking their light with them. It was darker with only Bart, but I could still see well enough with the shimmers of luminescence he radiated.

  “See you later, honey,” one of the unicorns called. “If you get tired of Bart and want to ride a real stallion, I’ll just be over yonder.”

  I ignored the comment. I picked up the rope and tugged at it, hoping I could unsnag it. Unicorns didn’t like litterbugs. The rope was stuck, so I left it.

  Bart snuffled my pockets. “What kind of apple do you have? Is it a red apple? I love red apples.”

  “Sorry. It’s a green one.” I pulled out a Granny Smith.

  “That’s fine.” He chomped at it merrily. “That was delicious. It tasted all the sweeter because it came from your hands.”

  What a flirt!

  He snuffled my hand and nuzzled against my arm. “Do you want me to escort you anywhere? I can carry you back to the school. I don’t mind.”

  “I better not. I’m waiting for a friend.”

  “Is this the same ‘friend’ who tied you up to become food for the chimeras?”

  “Yeah, but he did untie me after things got too dangerous.” I dug out the curry comb. I had a mission, and art supplies awaited my purchase. “Would you mind if I brushed your hair as we sit and wait for him?”

  “Clarissa, I thought you’d never ask!”

  His glee tickled me, and I petted his head.

  He escorted me to a place up the hill where it was brighter, with the trees spaced farther apart so that it allowed more moonlight to light our way. We sat next to a stream, listening to the lullaby of water and the shushing of leaves. I tried to find a segue in the conversation to ask if he might urinate into a glass flask for me, but there wasn’t a good opportunity. Plus, I’d lost all of Thatch’s bottles. Bart lay his head across my lap and sang me eighties love ballads as I brushed his mane and tail, collecting the long hairs and discreetly shoving them into a pocket. Bart had a yen for Madonna. Tonight was the second night I’d heard him sing, “Like a Virgin.”

  “What is it with you and virgins?” I asked. “Why are unicorns so obsessed?”

  “It’s one of those magic rules that guide the Unseen Realm. That’s how we get our energy. It’s powered by chastity and unrequited love. If you take my virginity away, I’ll lose my powers and become like those brainless domesticated unicorns your school keeps in servitude.”

  “I thought you said those unicorns were bred to be docile.”

  “Some of them are. Others become that way. The will is weak, and the flesh is willing, so some unicorns lose their virginity. I can’t blame them. I mean, it’s hard to last an eternity without sexual penetration. You have to get really creative. Heh. I’d do just about anything for a hand job.” He batted his eyelashes at me.

  I pretended I didn’t notice. “I thought unicorns were attracted to virgins because you’re supposed to be pure and wholesome.” The books Thatch had loaned me on magical creatures didn’t talk about feral unicorns or their sexual problems, probably because it was intended to be a textbook for teenagers. If only I had access to the forbidden section of the library using that handy window spell.

  “Sorry I don’t fit your ste
reotype,” Bart huffed.

  I fed him a sugar cube.

  “Thanks! I like sugar.” He perked up immediately. “It isn’t an easy life, being a unicorn. I have to remain a virgin, and I’m attracted to virgins. Spending time with maidens recharges my magic and makes me stronger, but it doesn’t mean I stop thinking about not wanting to be a virgin. I wrote a song about all the things a virgin like you can do with a unicorn that aren’t sex. Do you want to hear it? It’s called ‘The Butthole Loophole.’”

  “No, thank you.” I suspected religious teenagers would appreciate his creativity more than I would. “That song would make me more uncomfortable than I already am.”

  “Am I making you uncomfortable, my sweet maiden?” He leaned his head against my shoulder. “Where did I go wrong?”

  “I don’t usually talk this much about sex with anyone, human or Fae.”

  He snorted indignantly. “I’m not Fae. I’m a unicorn.”

  I continued before he became distracted from the point. “My life isn’t like an episode from Sex in the City.” For one thing, there would have to be sex in my life for that to happen. For another, I needed to learn how to control my magic so I didn’t electrocute a boyfriend. I sighed in exasperation. This was getting a little too deep. I didn’t want to think about my hex life. I needed to get unicorn poop for Thatch, and then he would keep his bargain and take me to get art supplies tomorrow.

  “Can I ask a favor of you?” I asked.

  “Your wish is my command.”

  “I’m being serious. I need to be honest with you about something.” I took a deep breath, pretending this wasn’t the most awkward situation I’d ever been in. “My friend asked me to do something for him. He wants me to collect unicorn . . . poop and urine.”

  Bart tossed back his head, whipping rainbow hair in my face. “What? I’m supposed to excrete in front of you? That’s gross.”

  “You could do it in the bushes, and then I could collect specimens afterward.” Already I felt bad about suggesting it. I didn’t even know where the vials and bottles were at this point.

  “That’s so dirty. I feel used. This entire time you’ve been trying to butter me up because you planned on using me for my magical excrement.” He shifted back onto his feet, facing me. “Were you ever even in trouble or was that chimera attack just a ploy to summon me?”

  “It was real!” I thought it was real. Staged, but no less dangerous. Thank you, Felix Thatch. “I’m sorry. I should have just told you that to begin with.”

  “Damn straight, you should have. I’ll never forgive you.”

  I reached into the pouch. “I have more sugar cubes.”

  “I don’t want your stupid sugar. Don’t you get it? I opened up my heart and soul to you. I told you my secrets. I just want someone to love me.” He stomped his hoof and shook his head. The vivid rainbow in his mane faded and turned white. His horn still glowed like moonlight, but some of the glitter shimmering on his black velvet fur faded. Maybe he had used that glamour in the hopes of awing me.

  I hated that I had deceived him and hurt his feelings.

  “I am sorry.” I groped around in my pockets for anything else I might have to smooth things over. There was nothing. I reached out to pet one of his flanks, but he shifted back and snorted.

  “Please don’t be mad,” I said. “I really am sorry.”

  “How sorry? Are you willing to make it up to me? Are you willing to show me how sorry you are?”

  This sounded serious. I swallowed. I had no idea what he might ask of me. “Um. . . .” I said.

  “I want you to pet my horn.”

  “The horn on your head?” I asked. I prayed “horn” wasn’t a euphemism.

  “No. The horn growing out of my ass.”

  I eyed his behind.

  He snorted. “Duh. The horn on my head. It’s all I’ve got.”

  “This isn’t anything sexual, right? I’m just stroking your horn, and it’s like a favor. Friends can do this?”

  He cuddled up beside me. “Totally. I won’t lose my powers. You won’t lose your virginity. It’s a win-win.”

  Tentatively, I ran my hand over his horn. The black keratin was ridged, but smooth.

  He leaned the side of his face against mine. His breath came out in warm puffs, making my hair waft against my neck. “So, who tied you to a tree? Same loser I saw you with last time?”

  “No.” I scratched him behind the ears like I would with a dog.

  He shifted his head and nudged my hand back to his horn. “So this is a different loser? What happened to that one jerk who was trying to bone you last time? Is he still trying to get into your pants?”

  I whispered, “I sort of killed him.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Killing people is bad.” I rubbed my hand up and down his horn.

  “Harder. Squeeze me.” Bart moaned. “It feels so good. What were you saying, honey?”

  Already I was regretting this. I forgot what we’d been talking about.

  Bart’s words came out in halting spurts. “Killing isn’t bad . . . if they deserve it. . . . I told you he was bad news, but you didn’t listen. . . . Did you know he was an agent of the Verde Court?”

  “No.” I froze. “How do you know who he was working for?”

  “I suspected he was one of them from his spell. Then later when I went back to the clearing, I saw evidence of his plant magic. I knew without a doubt he was the green man by that point. Most of them work for the Verde Court. Unicorns don’t like Fae courts wandering into our territory. We’re free and don’t bow down to royalty. Plus, they always try to steal virgins from us, those donkule fornicators.”

  “Right.” We were back to virgins again.

  “So, tell me about your current loser, friend boy,” he said. “Once you have sex with him, we won’t be able to spend time together like this anymore. You know that, right? I won’t be able to sense your presence in the woods.”

  “I’m not going to sleep with him. He isn’t my boyfriend. He’s another teacher at the school. Professor Felix Thatch.” I licked my lips, remembering our kiss. I’d seriously messed that up.

  He shook himself. I scrambled back, away from the flailing horn.

  “You’ve got to be punking me!” He circled around me, swearing under his breath.

  “I take it you’re not on speaking terms.”

  “Did you know that that elfing bastard is a unicorn poacher? Let me tell you about—” He lifted his head, scenting the air. He turned abruptly and shoved me back with his rump.

  I didn’t get to find out what Felix Thatch had done that made Bart dislike him so much. A flaming arrow shot out from the shadows and landed in Bart’s side.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The Horn of a Unicorn

  “No!” I screamed.

  What kind of sick and depraved human being would shoot a unicorn? The Raven Court? I lifted my hands, ready to shoot lightning out, but I was already weak and depleted from earlier.

  “Elfing pegasus breath!” Bart swore. He thrashed his head from side to side and pranced in place. “He’s here for my horn.”

  Bart nudged me back again with his rear. I stumbled into a tree and tripped over twisted roots, falling onto my backside.

  Bart dropped to his knees and onto his side, the arrow exposed. Blue flames engulfed the wooden shaft. Bart’s breathing was labored. Beads of glistening sweat rolled off his velvet fur.

  “Run, Clarissa! You’re too innocent and pure to watch this,” Bart said.

  I scrambled to my feet. I thought he meant I shouldn’t see someone slay a unicorn. That wasn’t going to happen.

  I forced myself to calm, to think about that embrace earlier as I dipped into the well of magic inside me and drew it into my hands. Electricity crackled over my skin.

  No one was going to touch my unicorn.

  Thatch glided out from the shadows. He held a bow in his gloved hands, the same blue fire dancing across the wood and string as t
he arrow. The bow melted and changed shape into what looked like a stick.

  I stared in horror. Thatch had shot a unicorn? Just when I was beginning to like him.

  “It’s only me.” Each word was enunciated slowly and clearly.

  He waved a hand at the electricity gathering inside me. The fever within me immediately extinguished, leaving me cold and queasy. He’d diminished my magic as easily as turning off a light switch. I didn’t like anyone having that power over me.

  As Thatch approached, I realized what he held in his hand. It wasn’t a stick. It was a sword, blue flames licking at the metal.

  Tears filled my eyes. Thatch was a unicorn poacher? If I had known that’s what Thatch had intended, I would never have agreed.

  Bart’s chest heaved. Spittle foamed around his mouth. His voice came out a croak. “You’ll never have my horn, mule-kisser!”

  Thatch calmly stepped closer.

  I threw myself across Bart’s neck, trying to shield his head and horn from Thatch’s magic sword. “No! You can’t kill a unicorn!”

  “Never!” Bart said, his voice weaker. “You may take away our lives . . . but you’ll never . . . take away . . . our . . . horns.”

  A loud pop, like bubblegum bursting, echoed from Bart. His horn was no longer black and ridged. It was a fleshy pink and veined. It looked a lot like a penis. Bart’s head fell back into the moss.

  Thatch shook his head in disgust. Good for Bart. Thatch wasn’t going to get his horn now.

  Thatch waved the sword at me. “Get up.”

  I eyed the flames dancing across the blade. I didn’t move. I couldn’t believe I had kissed him. I hated myself for trusting him, for allowing my affinity to rule me yet again.

  “He isn’t dead, and I’m not going to kill him. That’s just a sleep arrow.” Thatch pointed at the blue arrow with the sword. “Have a care not to touch that, or else you’ll fall asleep too.”

  “This is why you made me lure the unicorns, isn’t it?” I asked. “I won’t let you steal his horn.”