Kiss the Stars

by Jackson, A. L.

  “Great.”

  He expelled a low grunt of disbelief. “Great, huh?”

  “Absolutely. Look at this place. How could I complain?”

  Those eyes traced, warm brown-sugar again. “It seems you’re missing something to me.”

  I exhaled a heavy sound, looking out at the gentle ripples of the water before I got brave enough to look back at him. “When you lose someone you care about most, there’s bound to be something missing, isn’t there?”

  “Yeah.” He said it without hesitation.

  Hard and fast.

  He left no question that it was from experience.

  My eyes squeezed shut for a moment. “I just . . .”

  I opened them to him waiting. Waiting on me. “I just can’t make sense of it. Why? Why so much violence? A beautiful life wasted . . . and for what? I . . . I wish I would have given him the money. Wished I didn’t push that panic button. He warned me not to move, and I did it, anyway.”

  Guilt crushed down on my chest. A thousand pounds of rocks. Burying me.

  My words rushed out with the sorrow. “If I just would have listened to him, Lana would still be here today. He told me . . . he told me if I just gave him what he was after, he wouldn’t hurt us. And I . . . I panicked, Leif.”

  My lips pursed in anguish. “One mistake. One I’m not ever going to have the chance to make up for.”

  His face pinched, and his teeth clamped down on his bottom lip as he shifted forward another inch. The muscles in his arms ticked.

  I couldn’t tell if it was rage or desire.

  If he was holding himself back or letting himself go.

  “You don’t know that, Mia. You have no idea what a monster is going to do. When a man is nothing but cruel and vile. The length he will go. The thirst for blood.”

  My entire being cringed at the thought. “That is something I will never understand. Life is precious. It should be treasured and cherished. How could someone take it so casually and carelessly?”

  His expression shifted.

  Grief.

  Regret.

  Hatred.

  My insides trembled.

  God. Who was this man?

  He fisted his big hands between his knees. “Sometimes people become monsters without knowing it’s happening. Caught up in lawlessness before they realize who they have become.”

  I searched him, unsure of what he was saying. What he was implying. Only knowing the way that I saw him. “And then there are good people. Selfless people who will hurl themselves over a wall without knowing what they might be coming up against to protect someone else.”

  His laughter was rough.

  A rebuttal.

  “And sometimes people go running into danger in the hopes of making amends, knowing they could never pay a penalty so big, but knowing they will spend their entire lives trying, anyway.”

  “Is that what you’re doing . . . making amends? For what?”

  I could feel his disturbance vibrate the ground.

  “I should go.”

  He started to stand.

  My hand flew out and wrapped around his calf. Our gazes clashed as I looked up at him.

  A shockwave of intensity

  “Stay,” I managed to say.

  He heaved out the strain, cursing low before he slowly sat back down. My hand was still on his calf, refusing to let go.

  “You don’t want to get inside me, Mia. Know you think you do, but I promise you, that is not a place you want to be. You can’t fix me.” The words were gruff and low. A warning.

  “And what if I were to like what I was to see?”

  His dark chuckle curled in the space between us, and his hand was reaching out, tilting up my chin. “Like I said, you’d only see your own beauty reflected back. I am no good, Mia. You don’t know me, and I promise, you don’t want to.”

  My hand was shaking like crazy when I forced myself to let go of his leg. I reached to reclaim my wine glass, bringing it to my lips. I fought for normalcy. To find that uneasy casualness that we’d shared for the last few days, but that seemed impossible when he was sitting this close.

  “So . . . how is playing with the band? Practice is going well?”

  There.

  As normal as could be.

  He let go of a short laugh when he realized what I was doing.

  A reprieve from the severity.

  “It’s good. Guys are crazy talented. It’s an honor to play with them.”

  “That’s funny because Lyrik said the same thing about you.”

  “Your brother is delusional.”

  “He said you pretty much rewrote a song that was giving him fits.”

  “Fits? He said that?” Leif teased, lightness weaving into his tone and his face lifting into an easy smile.

  God, that was pretty, too.

  I peeked back. “Okay, fine, he might have said it was fucking with his head and he was about to commit homicide on the next poor, unsuspecting asshole that looked at him wrong. Same diff.”

  A smile played across his mouth. The man exuding a dark, dark confidence. I wanted to slip into the shadows of it.

  “You rockstars are so dramatic.” I rolled my eyes. Reminding myself why I’d convinced myself rockstars were so not my type all those years ago. I didn’t have the time or the space for the pain.

  But Leif’s?

  I wanted his.

  To shoulder some of it.

  Pray that in his aftermath he didn’t leave me crushed.

  “It was no big deal. He almost had it. Was just missing something. Great song, honestly.”

  I let my eyes trace him, like I could add up all the parts that made him whole. The pieces that formed who he was. “Honest?”

  “Wow. Loaded question much?” he teased.

  I grinned. “You don’t look much like a country drummer to me.”

  He laughed a self-deprecating sound. “No . . . but sometimes it’s stupid not to take opportunities when they’re presented to you.”

  “Like Sunder offered you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You want my honest?” I asked.

  “Shoot.”

  “It seems like a better fit.”

  His mouth quirked at the side, and the slight dimple showed in his cheek.

  I had the urge to lick it.

  “You better not let Zee hear you saying that.”

  Effortless laughter floated out. “He’s like a brother to me. I’ll be sure to use it the next time we get into a spat.”

  The hardness around Leif’s eyes softened more. “You’re all close.” He glanced at the main house. “You want my honest?”

  “Sure.”

  “I’m having a hard time figuring out who’s actually related and the ones who just call each other family.”

  Affection moved through my chest. “That’s the way we want it. You shouldn’t be able to tell. Love and devotion shouldn’t be hinged on whether you have the same blood running through your veins or not. I love all the kids like they’re my own nieces and nephews. I’d never want them to know the difference.”

  “That’s noble.”

  My head shook. “No, that’s a blessing.”

  Air left his mouth, the man itching where he sat, jaw clenching tight. “It’s rare to find a love like that.”

  “Another honest, while we’re at it?”

  “Shoot,” I said, just like him.

  The two of us getting caught up in the mood.

  In the stillness.

  In the peace that wrapped us like a sweet, sweet dream.

  He might be dangerous, but I didn’t think I’d ever felt more comfortable than right then.

  “Have to tell you that you blow me away. Your kids are lucky to have a mom like you, Mia West. Or is that your last name?” he hedged, acting like it was just another casual question when I could see the muscles twitch and flex beneath all his hard, toned flesh.

  I huffed a disparaging sound. “It is West. I’ve never be
en married. I guess I don’t have the best luck when it comes to men.”

  “Kids’ dad?”

  Heaviness weighed down on my chest. “Things didn’t work out.”

  Leif frowned. I might as well have been vague-booking.

  Disquiet stormed through my being, that feeling way down in my bones. I set my wine glass aside and hugged my knees again. A lie should probably suffice, but I turned back to Leif with an ounce of the truth. “Sometimes we think we know someone and we don’t know them at all. Lyrik thinks he bolted when he found out I was pregnant with Penny, but it was me who left him. It was hard, but some ties have to be cut before they strangle us.”

  A rush of aggression gusted through Leif. “He hurt you?”

  “No. It was never like that. He was just . . . trouble. Involved in things that I didn’t want for my life, so I had to cut him loose.”

  He threaded his fingers together, voice lowering when he pressed, “But he’s Greyson’s father?”

  “Yeah. He’d turned his life around. Started his own business. Wanted to be a part of Penny’s life. Support both of us. One thing led to another . . .” I trailed off.

  Details not required.

  “Because you still loved him.” It wasn’t even a question.

  My nod was slow. “I thought I did. But I think it was more that I was hoping that we could work things out and be a family. That’s what I’d always wanted, after all.” I lifted my face to the night sky. “To create art and create a family. Those are my two most beautiful things.”

  “What went wrong?”

  Disparaging laughter rippled out. “Everything, I guess. Things were always tumultuous between us. Super on or super off. Fighting constantly. In the end, there was too much distrust. Too many questions. Too much hurt. I realized I was fighting for something that hadn’t been there for a long, long time, and I could fight for it forever, but it was never going to change the fact that he and I didn’t belong together.”

  Leif stilled. Waiting.

  Air puffed from my nose. “There was one night he didn’t come home. It wasn’t the first time it’d happened. I texted him probably a thousand times, and I realized that wasn’t the life I wanted to live. Paranoid. Worried. Angry. So I packed our things and left. It didn’t matter what the explanation or reason he was surely going to give, I couldn’t continue to put me and my family through that constant turmoil.”

  “So, that was it?”

  My shoulder hiked. “He’s been trying to get me to come back ever since. I can’t completely cut him out when he’s still involved with the kids, and he was the one who’d helped to fund mine and Lana’s art gallery to begin with.”

  Our pasts tied in a way that would never be undone.

  “I’m sorry. Anyone dumb enough to mess up being with you? Don’t think he deserves you, anyway.”

  He said it with a cocky smirk lined with the most callous truth.

  I lay my head on my knees, peering over at him, just the outline of him in my periphery. It didn’t matter. The man was the only thing I could see.

  “I can’t regret a second of it. I got my children out of it. To me, that will always be the greatest, most important thing.”

  Leif flinched. I wasn’t sure if it was in agreement or pain. Maybe both.

  Eyes narrowed, I focused on him. “Kids make you nervous.”

  Air puffed from his nose. Incredulous disgust. “Guys like me shouldn’t get mixed up with kids.”

  “Why is that?”

  His grin was wholly forced. “We’ve seen how much Greyson likes me. He thinks I’m a hole in one. It’s better to stay out of the line of fire.”

  A giggle slipped free. “He’s a handful, that’s for sure.”

  “Maybe the kid is just a good judge of character. He’ll scare off all the bad guys for you. Second he saw me, no doubt he was figuring out how to get me away from you.”

  His grin was brittle.

  Amusement flashed while disappointment spun.

  “Tell me not all the good men are gone.”

  Leif sighed. “Don’t doubt he’s out there, Mia . . . a guy who can handle it all. One who is good from the inside out. One who deserves you and those kids. Don’t give up on that.”

  I could feel his reservations ripple through the space. “You gonna have more?”

  My head slowly shook, and I tilted my gaze to the heavens. “I had a complication after I had Greyson and had to have a procedure.”

  I lifted my cupped hand toward the sky. “Having another would be like catching a falling star.”

  Impossible.

  But I was the fool who would wish on it, anyway.

  “I’m sorry.” His voice was low.

  “How could I be sad? I have the two most amazing children.”

  His jaw twitched with the crush of his teeth, and his eyes squeezed shut before he said, “You do.” He scrubbed his palms on his jeans like he needed to break up the tension. “So . . . where do you go from here? Back to California? After the bastard is caught who took your friend?”

  I looked that way. At the softness in those brown-sugar eyes, at the hardness that surrounded the creases, and I did my best not to think about the way his lips tasted the same.

  Tender and biting.

  “I’m not sure. I feel a little lost right now, honestly. Not sure where I belong or where I want to go. I always seem to find myself in these messes and don’t know how to get myself out of them. I don’t know if I have a backlog of bad karma coming at me or what.”

  “Or maybe you’re just too sweet to see when you’re mixing with the wrong people.”

  I knew what he was implying. Who he was referring to. Was I so blind to disagree? And why did I feel so damned compelled to dig deeper?

  To seek and find and discover?

  But I wanted to, to disappear inside his mind. Get lost in his cruel, brittle heart.

  “Call me naïve, I guess.”

  “No, Mia, I’d call you kind.” He edged in closer. The overwhelming force of his presence covered me whole.

  Cloves and whiskey and hot, wicked sex.

  His hand came out, the pad of his index finger scraping down my cheek and across my bottom lip. “Which is the reason I would gladly hurl myself over a wall to face the unknown. Why I would gladly rip apart any monster who would seek to do you wrong. Which is exactly why I stay away because the last thing I want to do is more harm. I will destroy you, Mia, just like I destroy every good thing I ever have.”

  “What if I don’t let you get that close?”

  He moved in, his lips an inch from mine. “Don’t kid yourself, Angel. I’m already there. You and I both know it.”

  Flames licked. Danced and jumped and burned in the naked space between us.

  “How is it possible you already made it there?” I whispered.

  “Maybe some things are meant to be, written before time, but when you get there? You’ve already fucked it up so bad that it’s not yours anymore, and it gets lumped in with the things you can’t have but feel like you can’t live without. They become a piece that will forever go missing.”

  “And what if you’re only meant to work harder for it?”

  “That is nothing but a dangerous fantasy.”

  “Is that what you are, a dangerous fantasy?”

  He leaned forward, his touch searing through me when he set his palm on my cheek. “No, baby, you’re mine.”

  Seventeen

  Leif

  Dread whirred. A cyclone. A tornado.

  A typhoon that twisted and blew and raged.

  I raced through the middle of it, wind whipping at all sides, exhaustion weighting my feet as I struggled to break through the crush of the crowd that surrounded me like an army that had been sent to wall me in.

  Arms like tendrils that curled and bound and struggled to hold me back.

  Pain everywhere.

  Body afire.

  Soul consumed.

  I broke through the mob, a roar r
ushing up my burning throat, eyes searching through the blinding rays of sunlight that streaked from the sky.

  Blazing hot whips that scored my back.

  Time ticked.

  Another minute passed.

  Running out of time.

  I could fix it. Stop it. End it.

  Offer myself. I burst through the door. Hands fought to hold me back.

  “Maddie!” I screamed. “Maddie!”

  I screamed and I screamed.

  “Maddie!”

  “Maddie!” I shot upright in bed as the name left my mouth, the shout of agony bouncing off the walls and echoing back.

  Perpetual.

  Eternal.

  Gaining speed with each pass.

  Sweat drenched my skin, heart hammering at my ribs, so hard something was bound to crack.

  Sickness squeezed my insides to liquid, nausea climbing my throat and threatening to spill out onto the floor.

  I gasped and choked, blinking frantically, trying to orient myself from the dream.

  To bring myself back from the nightmare that would haunt me for all my days. The ghosts getting closer, demanding vindication. Screaming for retribution.

  They howled and moaned in my mind, my soul at their mercy.

  This.

  This was the debt I owed. I needed to remember that.

  With the barest hints of dawn seeping through the windows of the bedroom, I tossed the covers from my body, and I pushed from the bed and walked straight into the attached bathroom. I shoved my underwear to the floor and turned on the showerhead to as hot as it would go. As soon as it began to steam, I stepped under the scorching spray. Praying for a second of reprieve.

  I heaved out a sigh as I glanced down to my abdomen. At the scars. The only thing physical that remained.

  If only they would have taken me.

  But that would have been too easy. Not close to being cruel enough.

  The wicked thirsted for blood.

  And this morning, I could taste the fruition of it on my tongue.

  * * *

  “Shit.” I banged around the little kitchen in the guest house, slamming the cabinet doors after rummaging through the contents and coming up empty.