The Secrets We Share

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘Well I can hardly argue with that. Your father had that very concept branded on his soul from the day he was born,’ Clara said.

  ‘How about you and Gus? You obviously got back on track,’ Amber said. ‘How did you manage to do that?’ Clara noted that the other woman was very keen to know the answer to this question.

  ‘It took a long time, Amber. All the wasted time was my fault, I must add. Gus was astonishing. He was so protective of Max. I suppose they’d bonded in those first crucial hours. In turn, they ended up forging a wonderfully close relationship that nobody could touch.’

  ‘You must’ve been so relieved that Dad was being so fantastic with Max,’ Ava said.

  ‘I was, Liebling, but I couldn’t get past the crippling guilt that was threatening to ruin my life. I had nightmares about Jacob and felt utterly responsible for his broken heart. I blamed myself for ruining his life, not once but twice. I honestly felt I must be evil. I figured that Gus and Jacob would have been just fine had they not met me.’

  ‘Oh Mama,’ Ava said. ‘That wasn’t the case.’

  ‘Ava, I broke Jacob’s heart as a little boy and again when he was a grown man. I even attempted to convince myself that it was my fault that my mother and father had lived through such horror and heartache. After all, I was the common denominator in all of it.’

  ‘Oh Oma, I can’t believe you thought that. You didn’t encourage Hitler’s men to take Hannah!’

  ‘I hit rock bottom, Nathalie. I had no energy or joie de vivre and I was aware that I had two children depending on me. I honestly didn’t know what to do.’

  ‘So what happened? What changed your mind?’ Ava asked.

  ‘I went to Mama. I told her everything and begged her to help me. I don’t think I expected to find the answers – she was already slipping away from us into a dark and deep place – but I had nowhere else to turn.’

  ‘I’m sure she was more than happy to help you, Mama,’ Ava said.

  ‘Yes, she was,’ Clara said fondly. ‘Mama had never been anything but meek and mild. To a stranger she appeared to be afraid of her own shadow. But when I went to her that day, that same strength and fire that had kept her going through Bergen-Belsen and the years of separation from her family reignited.’

  ‘What did she do?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘Mama wasn’t a touchy-feely sort of woman. How could she be? Very few people had ever shown her affection … Also, I think she’d witnessed too much horror to end up that way inclined. But, my goodness, was she brave and practical! She did something that has always stayed with me. She told me some home truths. She laid it all on the line.’

  ‘Did she tell you to cop on and stop wallowing?’ Ava asked, looking slightly shocked.

  ‘In a nutshell,’ Clara grinned. ‘I know it’s certainly not the way of the world these days. Now it’s all about finding your feelings and working through your inner thoughts … But she spoke about the concentration camp and the fear that she might never escape. She said I was the only thing that kept her alive during her detention. She’d given up all hope of ever seeing Lukas again. She filled me in on the fresh terror she’d endured when she took me from Alina and Frank, and how she had struggled to cope with guilt, terror and mind-blowing flashbacks that threatened to mar the future.’

  ‘So how did she manage?’ Amber asked.

  ‘She said she had a defining moment,’ Clara said. ‘She was serving supper to Lukas and me in our kitchen when she had an out-of-body experience. She suddenly compared that homely scene to the ones at Bergen-Belsen, and understood how lucky she was to be alive. She knew that all the years of fighting to survive would be utterly in vain unless she grasped her new life with both hands.’

  ‘And how did that help you?’ Nathalie asked with interest.

  ‘It made me realise that I was in danger of falling into the exact same trap. I’d made a mistake. A stupid and selfish one at that. But Gus was willing to stay with me and continue to love me.’ She sighed. ‘I was committing the worst crime of all by wallowing in the negative and refusing to embrace the positive.’

  ‘That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?’ Nathalie said. ‘I mean, most people don’t experience half of what you did in a lifetime and they struggle with stuff. It’s human nature, isn’t it?’

  ‘Of course, dear,’ Clara agreed. ‘But we always have a choice. We can either sit back and allow the bad things to win, or we can stand up and fight.’

  ‘And you put on your boxing gloves that day,’ Nathalie finished. Clara nodded emphatically.

  ‘It wasn’t easy. I had dark days where the guilt and sadness shadowed me like a cloud. But after a spell I got better at being happy. It takes practice, you know.’

  ‘Some days I wake with a heaviness in my heart and it takes me a moment to figure out what’s hanging over me. Then I remember Mackenzie’s frozen face as she lay in the hospital. It’s so hard to believe she’s gone, and I get a tightening in my chest and fear I can’t live without her.’

  ‘I can appreciate how you feel,’ Ava said. ‘Grief can be so dreadful at times that I feel as if I’ll choke.’

  Clara tilted her head to the side. Nathalie’s brow furrowed as she tried to work out who Ava might be referring to.

  ‘It’s good to remember loved ones who have passed away. You’ll never forget them. Trust me. The people who make a mark on your heart never truly leave. You simply learn how to carry on without them.’

  ‘We need to accept that life is different but not necessarily awful all the time,’ Ava said. ‘I’m sure you miss Dad terribly. I know I do.’

  ‘Yes,’ Clara agreed. ‘I miss him all the time. But I promised him I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life waiting to die. That’d be a shame.’

  ‘That’s pretty amazing,’ Amber said. ‘It makes my heart glad that you and Gus were able to rekindle your marriage. He sounds like a wonderful man.’

  ‘He was,’ Clara said. ‘As I’ve said many times, he was the love of my life. It still terrifies me to think that I could have lost him.’

  A silence descended upon the room. But it wasn’t awkward. This was different. Each person was clearly lost in thought as they tried to process the events of the past.

  Clara needed to be alone for a few moments. She had the perfect excuse to escape.

  ‘You all stay put,’ she announced. ‘I insist. I have something tasty for dessert ready to go. I only need a few moments in the kitchen.’

  ‘Please let me know if I can be of assistance,’ Amber said.

  Amber was being marvellous. Clara liked her a lot. She was certainly an all-American lady. From the way she spoke to her perfectly coiffed appearance. She was just what Max needed.

  As she ladled the warm berry salad on to plates to accompany Nathalie’s vanilla cake, her granddaughter padded into the kitchen and rubbed her back tenderly.

  ‘Well done, Oma,’ she said with genuine affection. ‘You never cease to amaze me. Your courage and honesty is mind-blowing. You rock!’

  ‘Even though you now know I’m a scarlet woman?’ Clara asked seriously.

  ‘People who play by the rules all the time make me nervous,’ Nathalie said. ‘Who wants to be related to people who never break out and do something left of centre?’ She raised an eyebrow.

  ‘We’ll talk more when everybody leaves, OK?’ Clara said.

  ‘Don’t you know it!’ Nathalie said, hugging her again. ‘But right now, this looks totally awesome.’

  Grabbing the laden tray, Nathalie shuffled into the dining room.

  ‘Just wait until you taste this, Mom,’ she said. ‘It’s to die for!’

  The atmosphere was certainly still strained, but Clara knew the worst was over. All that remained was for them to digest the information and decide whether or not they could come to terms with it.

  With plates and glasses charged, she proposed a toast.

  ‘To family,’ she began. ‘To forgiveness, and to knowing it’s never too late to star
t again.’

  They all clambered to their feet and joined the toast. There wasn’t much said, but Clara was relieved that both her children clinked glasses.

  ‘Tuck in, everyone,’ Nathalie said. ‘Mom, just wait until you try this cake. I baked it from scratch. Oma knows how to do some totally awesome stuff.’

  Amber’s eyes rolled as she tasted the dessert. The combination of the warm, rather sharp-tasting berries cooked in syrup and the fresh, light sponge was delectable.

  ‘It’s nice that you’re learning some traditions. It’s good to see it all being passed on,’ Max said.

  The rest of the evening was filled with pleasant, if slightly forced, conversation. The tension was hard to ignore.

  By nine thirty, Amber was visibly wilting.

  ‘I think I need some sleep,’ she said apologetically.

  ‘I’ll drop you both at the hotel,’ Ava said. ‘I’ve an early start tomorrow.’

  ‘You’re welcome to stay here, of course,’ Clara said.

  ‘No, we’ll be fine at the hotel, thanks,’ Max said.

  Clara showed them out and returned to the dining room, where Nathalie had made great headway clearing up.

  ‘Leave it, dear. I’ll do it in a while.’

  ‘No way.’ Nathalie was emphatic. ‘You sit down and try to fathom what the hell just happened there.’

  ‘It was a little crazy really,’ Clara said. ‘Crazy good, though, eh?’

  ‘Oma, it was awesome. I know it’s going to take plenty of time before everybody feels relaxed, but it was a good start. You gotta expect the awkwardness and kooky silences. It’d be pretty damn weird if we all slotted into place and started acting like the Brady Bunch.’

  Clara laughed. ‘You’re right, dear. It was fine, I suppose, considering that it took twenty years to happen.’

  ‘You’re brave,’ Nathalie said. ‘It can’t have been easy to talk to your own kids about an affair.’

  Clara sighed and shook her head. She recalled the day Max found Jacob’s letter.

  ‘He was always a sensitive soul, your father. So he took it very badly. Not that I blame him, you understand? He was adamant that his sister never know the truth.’

  It turned out that Max had gone to his university tutor and arranged to have his course transferred to LA. Within two weeks he was gone.

  All Ava knew was that there’d been a dreadful row. At the time, Clara and Gus had reassured her that Max would return. As the months marched on and there was no sign of him, it became an unmentionable subject.

  Sean and Ava’s break-up and little Angelina’s death took centre stage after that. As the years rolled by, they all had to come to terms with the fact that Max didn’t want anything to do with them.

  ‘The argument was mine and Max’s, but his stubborn resistance and refusal to see or speak to Ava eventually had the desired effect. She pretty much wrote him off.’

  ‘I know I’ll toss and turn half the night if I try to sleep now,’ Nathalie said. ‘Would you mind if I pop into the sewing room for a spell?’

  ‘I’ll join you. It sounds like a lovely idea.’

  Not for the first time, sewing and being creative was just the therapy the Conway women needed.

  Chapter 29

  Nathalie and Clara were sewing peacefully when Ava reappeared, having dropped Max and Amber at the hotel.

  ‘Are you OK, lovey?’ Clara asked in surprise.

  Ava clenched and relaxed her fists as she paced. ‘I was driving home and I knew I’d be awake all night if I didn’t come back and talk this out with you.’

  ‘OK, Liebling, what did you need to know?’ Clara asked patiently.

  Ava looked pained. ‘I know you’ve said so much tonight, but would you mind telling me a little more about the time Oma and Opa came to collect you from Alina and Frank’s?’

  Clara looked exhausted and Ava felt a bit mean about asking for further details, but she wanted to strike while the iron was hot. Now that the seal had been broken on the silence, it was as if she couldn’t get enough information.

  Clara smiled and said she’d be happy to continue talking. She cast her mind back and tried to recall the scene as best she could, to help Ava understand.

  ‘It became apparent that Lukas had managed to organise some forged papers to allow Hannah and me to leave Austria. But time was of the essence. If we didn’t make it on to a certain ship at a set time, Hannah would be in danger.’

  ‘Wasn’t the war over?’ Ava asked.

  ‘Yes, but there was still ferocious anger amongst Austrians. There were many ongoing feuds involving anti-Semitic groups. People weren’t going to change their minds overnight. My father knew it would be years before it was entirely safe for Jews to live comfortably in Austria.’

  ‘I suppose it would take a while for people to learn to stop the hate,’ Nathalie said.

  ‘Alina took me to my little bedroom and packed some clothes into a red leather suitcase. On top of the clothes she laid the pretty pastel patchwork quilt we had lovingly crafted together.’

  ‘Is that the one you’ve always had on your bed?’ Ava asked.

  ‘Yes, Liebling, it is,’ Clara said tenderly.

  ‘Wow, it must bring you comfort to have it close to you after all these years. I know mine is going to do that for me,’ Nathalie said.

  ‘Oh yes. To me the pieces of fabric represent the love we will always share. Mama Lee-Lee was so brave. I still remember her exact words as she placed the quilt in my suitcase: “The patches are sewn together and will remain fastened and bonded for ever. No matter where you go in this world, you will never leave my heart, Clara.”

  ‘Of course I cried and begged to stay. But Mama Lee-Lee reiterated that I wasn’t hers to keep. She took my hand and placed it on her heart. Just like this.’ Clara took Ava’s hand and placed it on her chest. Nathalie watched on in awe.

  ‘Can you feel my heart beating?’ she whispered.

  Ava nodded.

  ‘Alina instructed me to place my hand on my own heart any time I was lonely for her. She held my gaze just the way I’m holding yours right now. She told me we were like two synchronised cuckoo clocks and that a part of her heart would always beat with mine.’

  ‘Wow,’ Ava said. ‘I’m blown away by that and I wasn’t even there! How did you cope, Mama?’

  ‘Mama Lee-Lee made me promise to make her proud. She told me that my mother was a wonderful woman who deserved to have me back. That my job was to help her smile and heal her poor sad heart. That Hannah had been subjected to years of cruelty and I could help save her.’

  ‘That’s too much to lay at the feet of a tiny child,’ Ava said, looking cross.

  ‘None of it was easy for any of us, lovey. But there wasn’t time for stamping our feet and pouting. We had no choice but to deal with it as best we could.’

  ‘I know all about not having a choice,’ Ava whispered sadly.

  ‘Mama Lee-Lee gave me some very sound advice as I left her. She told me to be a good girl, and above all she told me I needed to learn to be happy again. That we only had one life and one chance to live and I mustn’t waste it crying.’

  ‘She was a tough cookie, wasn’t she?’ said Nathalie.

  ‘She was,’ Clara said, smiling through her tears. ‘But her words made me strong, Nathalie. I hugged her and stood tall, jutting out my little chin and squeezing my back teeth together to stop myself from sobbing. Then I walked down those wooden stairs to the people waiting in the kitchen and announced that I was ready to go.’

  ‘Jeez, you were a little fireball,’ Ava said. ‘If anyone had tried to make me leave home when I was eight, I think I would’ve curled up into a ball and died.’

  ‘Well, luckily you weren’t faced with such a conundrum. People have a habit of stepping up to the plate when situations dictate it,’ Clara said. ‘If anyone had forewarned you that your beautiful Angelina was going to die, I’m guessing you’d have said you couldn’t go on living.’

  �
��Who was Angelina?’ Nathalie asked in confusion.

  Ava looked to Clara and she nodded. Taking Nathalie’s hand she began to tell her what had happened and how time had certainly helped to heal some of the hurt. But how she often struggled to carry on still. Nathalie sobbed as Ava held her tightly and rocked her.

  ‘Oh Ava, I had no idea,’ she said. ‘But now it makes sense. I know how you’ve understood my feelings about losing Mackenzie. I get it now. I’m so proud of you for keeping going. You’re even more amazing than I thought.’

  ‘I have had moments where I feel I can’t go on,’ Ava admitted.

  ‘But you’re doing it, darling. You’re surviving,’ said Clara. ‘It’s called growing up. Some people never do, you know? That’s not a good thing. We all need to stop and take our emotional temperature every now and again. I do it regularly. I give myself a moment to look around and check whether I’m doing my best to be happy.’

  ‘It’s odd that you mention this,’ Ava said, dropping her gaze. ‘Lately I’ve looked at myself and wondered where I’m going in life. I’m lonely, Mama. I wish I had someone to share my bed and my life with.’

  Clara hugged her. ‘You’ve just taken the most important step, Liebling. You’ve admitted you want somebody to love. For years I’ve witnessed you charging about like a headless chicken, running to the arms of anyone who’ll have you and rushing away just as swiftly. Try to trust people. There are far more wonderful people than evil ones in this world. I firmly believe that.’

  ‘I do too,’ Nathalie said. ‘I know I’m only a little skut and I’ve a lot to learn. But the feel of someone’s arms holding you tight has got to be one of the best ones imaginable.’ Ava smiled at Nathalie and over at her mother.

  ‘I get it now, Mama. But I’m still in awe of you. You were some gutsy kid. I don’t care what you say. You had grit.’

  ‘I’ll say,’ Nathalie agreed widening her eyes.

  Clara laughed. ‘I suppose I did!’

  ‘What happened with Jacob that day?’ Ava suddenly asked.