The Secrets We Share

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘They wrote to me just after I moved to America. It turns out they’d been keeping tabs on me via a private detective for years.’

  ‘Did you feel creeped out when you realised they’d been stalking you?’ Ava asked.

  He laughed. ‘Well, it was hardly that. They simply hired a man to give them quarterly updates along with some photographs over the years.’

  ‘Jeepers, I’m sorry but I think that’s total stalker territory.’ Ava shuddered. Max paused and closed his eyes. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Continue.’

  ‘So about eighteen years ago they got in touch. In the letter, Alina told me all about Jacob as a tiny baby and their joy when Mama came into their lives.’

  Max explained how Alina had felt that Clara had completed their family. She was the most precious gift they could have hoped to receive. When news came that Hannah and Lukas were on their way to take her back, they were understandably devastated.

  Once Clara left, a shadow descended over their home. Jacob retreated to a place where neither of his parents could reach him. Their previously sunny-natured boy was withdrawn and sullen.

  When he announced his desire to become a doctor, they were overjoyed. Money they’d carefully put aside over the years was proudly handed over. His brilliance paid off, and he was offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to travel the world teaching fellow surgeons a new technique in brain surgery. They had no idea he was heading for Ireland.

  They heard nothing from him for several months, until a most bizarre call came. Jacob told them that he and Clara were a couple. He said the situation was a little complicated as Clara was married to a man called Dr Gus Conway. When Alina tried to question him, he became irrational and angry, yelling at her to mind her own business and to stop trying to ruin his life. He said she would only hear from him when he was ready to bring Clara home.

  They waited and waited for Jacob to contact them again. Days turned to weeks before Walter Brandt called them and their worst fears were realised.

  ‘It was so tragic,’ Ava said. ‘That car crash …’

  ‘You haven’t heard it all yet,’ Max said. ‘Alina asked me to respond to her letter. To an address in Vienna.’

  ‘So that’s why they never replied to Mama’s letters.’

  ‘Yes, clearly the new owners didn’t pass them on.’

  ‘What did you say when you wrote back?’

  ‘I was so angry back then,’ Max admitted. ‘I told them they were a part of my life that I wasn’t proud of and that I wanted to start afresh with my pregnant wife. I asked them in no uncertain terms to stay away from me.’

  ‘Oh Max,’ Ava whispered. ‘You really cut yourself off from everyone, didn’t you?’

  He sighed. ‘I felt utterly trapped and boxed in by the weight of the past. At that time I was convinced that the best way out would be to reinvent a whole new life with Amber and Nathalie. To me they were pure and free of the shackles of my sordid past. I honestly thought I’d be happier with the slate wiped clean.’

  ‘And were you?’ Ava asked. ‘Because you stayed away for a bloody long time.’

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I’m not proud of how I acted, but I couldn’t see a way out.’

  ‘So if Nathalie hadn’t had the accident, would you have come back?’

  ‘It was a decent excuse,’ he said sheepishly. ‘I guess Mackenzie’s death reminded me of the fragility of life. I heard Papa had died too. That rocked me to the core. Also I knew Nathalie was going to love you all. I guessed you’d love her too. But most of all, I’m tired of running and hiding.’

  ‘I know what you mean,’ Ava said. ‘It gets kind of wearing after twenty years, doesn’t it?’ She smiled wryly.

  ‘Alina wrote me another letter just before she passed away,’ Max said. ‘I received it shortly after Nathalie was born. She would have been on all sorts of drugs at that point, so she didn’t hold back when it came to describing her emotions.’

  ‘What did she say?’ Ava asked.

  ‘That Jacob had ripped her soul out. That she’d known there was something not quite right with him for years, but his brilliance and excellence in his field had sidetracked her and led her to question her suspicions.’

  ‘Did they ever find out what happened the day he crashed?’ Ava asked, shuddering.

  ‘He didn’t crash, Ava,’ Max said gravely.

  ‘But Mama said—’

  ‘She doesn’t know the truth,’ Max interrupted. ‘Jacob took a lethal overdose and left a separate note blaming Mama for everything bad that had happened in his life. He said his depression and sadness was brought on by post-traumatic stress disorder following her original departure.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Ava said, aghast. She shook her head. ‘But Mama had no choice but to leave with her parents …’

  ‘Well any reasonable person can work that out,’ Max said. ‘Alina and Frank travelled to America to recover Jacob’s body and managed to fit together the pieces of jigsaw that made up his sad life.’

  ‘What did they find out?’

  ‘Jacob was self-medicating for schizophrenia.’

  ‘What?’ Ava said. ‘But how could he practise as a surgeon if he was on that stuff?’

  ‘He was taking it in secret,’ Max confirmed. ‘The evidence was only found after his death. Alina uncovered a diary that he’d kept meticulously each day.’

  ‘So he was a total nut job?’ Ava said.

  ‘You have such a gorgeous way with words, Ava,’ Max said drily. ‘He was extremely ill, and sadly, once he met up with Mama again, it seems he stopped taking his medication, firmly believing that her love would cure the desolation and sadness caused by his illness. It was all there in black and white for his poor parents to read.’

  ‘That’s so distressing,’ Ava whispered. ‘Do you reckon Mama knew he was so ill?’

  ‘Gosh, no,’ Max said, shaking his head. There was silence as both were caught up in thought.

  ‘Alina finished her letter by saying that she would leave it up to me whether to tell Mama why and how Jacob died. I was so eaten up by anger that I kept it all from her.’ Max looked utterly shattered. ‘I did an awful thing, Ava,’ he said. ‘I wish I’d been braver. Alina and Frank have both passed away and I never gave Mama the opportunity to speak with them. I should have told her they’d sold the house in Brixental and moved to Vienna. If I’d been just a tiny bit less pig-headed, she would’ve been able to contact them before they died.’

  ‘Oh Max.’ Ava looked stricken. ‘I’m sure Mama will forgive you. You’ve got to tell her immediately, though. The time for hiding and burying secrets has come to an end. If we want to progress and move forward as a family, all these secrets must be shared.’

  ‘I know,’ Max said. ‘But I’m terrified Mama won’t find it in her heart to forgive me.’

  ‘All you can do is try,’ Ava said. ‘I’m not a betting woman, but if I were, I’d say she’ll come up trumps. Of all the people I know, our mother is the wisest and most open-minded. You’ll be doing her a favour, I reckon. She’s always wondered what became of Alina and Frank. Set her mind at rest, Max, please.’

  ‘I don’t feel as bad about it all now that I’ve shared it with you.’

  ‘A problem shared is a problem halved,’ Ava grinned. ‘Promise me you’ll tell her before you return to America. I think she has a right to know. Awful and tragic as it was, she should be told the truth.’

  ‘I know,’ Max said, nodding.

  ‘We’re not exactly the perfect family, are we?’ Ava said with a wry smile.

  ‘No, we’re pretty darn messed up,’ he agreed with a grin. ‘But on the up side, there’s plenty of potential for improvement.’

  ‘Do you think?’

  ‘Yup, we can only go in one direction, and that’s from rock bottom upwards!’

  Ava looked at her watch and reluctantly realised she had to leave. She had some work to do and she needed to get some sleep before Sean arrived tonight.

  She said she�
�d call Max later on once she’d met up with Sean. They hugged for the longest time before going their separate ways.

  Chapter 31

  Clara couldn’t get used to the fact that Max was back in her life. It was a dream come true. As she lolled in bed, memories of Jacob and their time together came flooding back.

  She remembered his face when she’d left Austria as a child. He’d looked as if his entire world was ending. It had plagued her dreams for years. She wished she could have seen him when they attended Oma Madeline’s funeral, but it wasn’t to be.

  And the day she’d answered the door to him when he arrived in Ireland had been incredible. She’d recognised him instantly. His face had matured but his stance and his eyes were exactly the same. It was as if the world had stopped turning. The air became thick and she could barely contain herself. She’d thrown her arms around his neck and hugged him for the longest time. His expression emanated such raw and honest emotion, she’d been overwhelmed to see him. So much had happened in both their lives, yet it was as if they’d never been apart.

  They’d whiled away the afternoon talking about days both had thought they’d forgotten. They recalled birthdays, Christmases and wonderful summer picnics. Clara knew it was the comfort of those shared memories and the knowledge that this man knew her better than anyone else at that time that had seduced her. She found it beguiling that he remembered her with such detail. She’d had to tuck it all into the far recesses of her mind for so long, that she often wondered if her early childhood had actually happened at all.

  She had no photographs or mementos bar her patchwork quilt, her tiny red leather suitcase and of course Jacob’s fire engine to remind her of the first part of her life.

  So seeing him again, rebuilding a relationship and hearing all about Mama Lee-Lee and Papa Frank was like a reawakening from a partial coma.

  But nothing would ever ease the aching guilt she still felt to this day as she recalled the night they’d spent together. Her feelings for Jacob were ones of deep and pure love, but never with a trace of lust. In her heart he was her brother, not her lover. But she’d allowed herself to be swept away on a road that she’d never have considered in the cold light of day. She hadn’t many regrets in life. But she deeply regretted making love to Jacob.

  The morning she began to vomit, she knew she was pregnant. She’d never felt worse than the day she told Gus her news. As he sat staring at her across the kitchen table, he looked as though the light had been extinguished in his soul.

  She never intended to hurt people, but it always seemed to happen just the same.

  They got through the trauma of the pregnancy and the dangerous birth and were still together. But they might as well have been living a thousand miles apart. Clara was so numbed by shame she could barely look Gus in the eye.

  Gus was so hurt he struggled to smile.

  Clara went to fetch Hannah late one afternoon. Max was in his playpen and Ava was busy with play dough. She explained that she needed to talk. Knowing the children were occupied, Clara hesitated.

  ‘Come and sit with me,’ Hannah instructed, producing a lemon drizzle cake. ‘We’ll have some coffee if you please, dear.’

  Clara had brewed the coffee and joined her mother. Once Ava had been given a slice of cake, with a few bite-sized pieces for Max, Hannah spoke.

  ‘I’ve been watching Gus. He is at his wits’ end with you,’ she stated. ‘And so am I. You made a mistake, Clara. You’ve paid dearly. You are truly sorry. We know it and so do you. So now you’re at a crossroads. Either you continue down the road of self-loathing you’ve placed yourself on and destroy your marriage and all you hold dear, or you take a new road with hope and positivity in your heart.’

  ‘It’s not as easy as all that, Mama,’ Clara had said crossly.

  ‘Actually,’ Hannah paused, ‘it is. You have the love of a good man. He’s willing to forgive and forget but he can’t do it alone. He needs you to join him.’

  ‘I’ve tried,’ Clara said, grinding tears away with her fists.

  ‘With all due respect, Clara, you haven’t tried one bit. You’ve wallowed and dragged yourself around looking as if you’re expecting to be flogged. Hold your head up, my girl, and find that wonderful spirit we all know and love. Nobody wants to be shackled to a misery-guts.’

  Clara spluttered and burst out laughing, almost choking on her tears.

  ‘Mama! You’re the most blunt and direct person I’ve ever met.’

  ‘Yes, well …’ Hannah tutted. ‘Some matters require a gentle suggestion, while other times people need a straight shooter who will leave them in no doubt as to where they stand.’

  ‘Well consider your shot a bullseye,’ Clara giggled.

  ‘Liebling,’ Hannah said, grabbing her shoulders and holding her gaze. ‘You are in danger of turning your back on a wonderful life. Open your eyes, ears and heart and move on. Move onwards and upwards. Don’t question happiness when it’s gently coaxing you towards its warmth. You need to separate your night with Jacob from the existence of your son. One lasted a short time; the other will stay with you for as long as you live.’

  ‘I’ll try, Mama, but Max is a product of that one night.’

  ‘That is a fact. But you need to put the two into different compartments in your brain. Pack the night with Jacob away and push Max and his need for his mother to the forefront. Otherwise you’re headed for ruin, my child.’

  ‘I want to be happy again, Mama,’ she said sadly.

  ‘There’s enough cruelty going on in this world. Don’t invite more of it to your door. Take a deep breath and release the guilt. It’s possible, dear. I should know.’

  ‘What do you have to feel guilty about, Mama?’ Clara said. ‘You’ve survived against the odds and built an amazing life for us all.’

  ‘I’m glad you think that,’ Hannah said. ‘So stop trying to ruin what I’ve worked so hard to create.’ She winked, then stared into the middle distance. ‘I was racked with guilt for years, Clara. All I wanted was for Lukas to live the life he was destined for. He was born to be a leader, a gentleman.’ She looked into Clara’s eyes and stroked her cheek. ‘For so long I feared I’d deprived him of his wealth. But now I know that no amount of money could ever have bought the love we share or the treasure that is you. I felt guilty for leaving you and dreaded the thought that you knew and felt abandoned. Believe me, Liebling, I understand how it feels to shoulder guilt. It’s a heavy burden. But I carried on and in the end I realised that Lukas loved me, and I hope I am right in thinking that you have forgiven me for leaving you and then snatching you back again?’

  ‘Of course I forgive you, Mama. Dear Lord, there’s nothing to forgive in the first place. I love and admire you, and I thank God for every day we’ve had together.’

  ‘Thank you, darling girl,’ she smiled. ‘You have filled my heart with more joy than you will ever know. So now, please, Clara, don’t destroy the happiness thread. Preserve the joy. Allow it to flourish for generations to come.’

  That was the moment Clara changed. She realised for certain that she was jeopardising her own future without respecting her past. She had the power to change things. All that was required was a bit of gumption.

  Now, all these years later, the only question that remained unanswered lay with Alina and Frank. She longed to know what had become of them. She knew that the world worked in mysterious ways and that many of the issues her family faced had taken decades to resolve. But she was growing tired. She wanted things resolved.

  Nathalie appeared at her bedroom door.

  ‘May I come in?’

  ‘Of course,’ she said, smiling. ‘How are you, Liebling?’

  ‘OK. I’ve been doing a bit of soul-searching.’

  ‘I see,’ Clara said, moving over so Nathalie could get in beside her.

  ‘I think I’d like to stay in Ireland for a bit. Defer my college course for a year and hang out. Would you consider allowing me to stay with you?’

 
; ‘Well now,’ Clara said, putting an arm around her. ‘I should tell you to discuss this with your parents, which I know you will. I should tell you to think about it deeply, which I know you have. I should tell you to look into your heart to see if this is indeed the right thing for you …’ She looked at her beautiful bronze-skinned granddaughter and grinned. ‘You are welcome here whenever you wish, for as long as you see fit.’

  ‘Thanks, Oma,’ she said, wrapping her arms around her. ‘That’s all I wanted to hear. There’s a part of me that knows I’m avoiding LA because Mackenzie is gone. But more than that, I feel as if I belong here. It feels like I’ve come home. Does that sound crazy to you?’

  ‘Not at all,’ Clara said. ‘Lochlann seemed like my home from the first moment I arrived. Why do you think I never left? Austria held too many harrowing memories for me. As a family we would never have been comfortable there. So this is the place where I know I was destined to stay.’

  ‘I think I feel that way too.’

  ‘I don’t suppose your decision has anything to do with a certain red-haired strapping young man who resides at the beach, does it?’ Clara asked with a grin.

  ‘He’s part of it,’ Nathalie admitted as she told Oma all about his paintings.

  ‘He’s won many awards for his work, you know. He’s been pictured in the papers and everything.’

  ‘Really? Well I’m not surprised. He’s the sweetest guy. He’s so … comfortable in his own skin and why wouldn’t he be … He’s so darn gorgeous and funny and kind. He doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary to act like a jerk or carry on with annoying bravado the way some guys do … It’s incredibly refreshing.’

  ‘You need to speak to your parents, though. See what they think. Talk to them and try to listen. Let’s not allow any more wedges to be driven between us as a family.’

  ‘I know,’ Nathalie said, sighing. ‘I was thinking of asking Ava if I could help out at the shop for a bit. I’d love to learn more about design too.’

  ‘I think you’d be fantastic at that, Liebling.’

  ‘Tell me about your shop. How did it all begin?’