Furious Thing

by Jenny Downham

  He nodded, and for a moment he looked as if he believed it might be possible.

  3

  The first time I met John, I was seven and Mum had invited him round to the flat. I was wearing my sequin dress and Mum was wearing her favourite skirt with the lace at the bottom and a new pink blouse which was see-through, but she said that didn’t matter because she was wearing a posh bra. She’d tidied up and vacuumed and sprayed air freshener. She’d bought a box of beer and put it in the fridge.

  While we waited for him to arrive, we looked at the website for the architects’ office where he worked. We pressed the button called ‘About Us’, and pictures of everyone who worked there appeared.

  ‘That’s him,’ Mum said. ‘Hasn’t he got a lovely smile?’

  There weren’t any pictures of houses he’d built because he wasn’t a partner, so we came off the projects page and looked at his photo again. Then Mum checked the time on her phone and went to the window to look out. ‘It probably looks different in daylight,’ she said. ‘All the other times, it’s been dark when he’s come here. I hope he hasn’t walked straight past.’

  ‘All the other times?’ I said.

  ‘Oh,’ she said, waving a hand. ‘When you were asleep.’

  She phoned her friend Meryam. ‘Has he forgotten? Has he got cold feet? Has he had an accident?’ She took the phone out to the kitchen, but I could hear her anyway. ‘You think he’s playing hard to get? You think this is because of Lex? He wanted me to send her to her grandfather for the weekend – you think I should have done?’

  I twirled in my dress, so I wouldn’t have to listen. The skirt spun about me.

  ‘I just got a text,’ Mum said, coming back into the lounge. ‘He’s running late but he’s still coming, so that’s a relief.’

  I pirouetted for her and the skirt danced.

  ‘You’ve messed up your hair,’ she said.

  She sat me on the stool in the lounge and brushed me neat again. She decided I needed shoes, even though we were indoors, and went off to find them. She changed her earrings and reapplied lipstick. She said my hair had a mind of its own and she’d plait it while we waited. I liked the feel of her fingers in my hair. She hadn’t braided it for weeks. ‘He’s here!’ Mum squealed suddenly. She nudged me from the stool and threw the brush on the bookshelf. She pulled me away from the window. ‘Don’t let him see you looking!’

  She stood in the centre of the room with her hand flat on her belly. ‘Breathe,’ she told herself.

  I’d never seen her like this. It was as if she wasn’t in charge any more.

  She walked very slowly to the door when the intercom buzzed. She stood there not answering and I watched her count, her lips moving from one to ten, and then she pressed the button and said, ‘Hello?’ and she managed to make herself sound casual, as if she barely cared. ‘Oh, hi,’ she said. ‘Just push the door and come up.’

  She winked at me as we listened to his footsteps coming up the stairs.

  ‘Lexi, this is John,’ Mum said as he walked through the door and into the hallway, and she waved at me and then she did an odd little bow to him like he was a king. ‘And this is my daughter, Lexi.’

  He held out his hand and I shook it. ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said. I had no other words for him and we stood there looking at each other. His smile was like being warmed under a lamp.

  4

  Go down the stairs, I told myself. You’ve got this.

  But standing on the top of the fire escape looking down at all the swanky people in the garden made me feel like Cinderella. No – her ugly sister, the one who cut her toes off to make the glass slipper fit. My feet looked massive in Mum’s dainty shoes, my hands were clumsy paws sticking out from the sleeves of her dress. She’d wrapped it round me, pulled the belt so tight that my hips and breasts were squashed flat and then told me I looked lovely.

  When I’d put on the dress I’d wanted to wear, the material had followed my curves like the website suggested: Show off your best features and offer a flattering silhouette. I did look lovely then. But when I’d gone into the lounge to twirl for John, he’d shouted, ‘No, no!’ and called for Mum. He’d pointed at me. ‘It’s way too revealing. She can’t wear that. Did you buy that for her?’

  Mum told him she’d never seen the dress before and I had to confess I’d secretly used her Amazon account and bought it online. John told Mum she really needed to keep a better eye on me and I said I was sorry and promised (again) to be on my best behaviour.

  Mum put an arm around me and led me away. ‘Come on, babe. Let’s find something else.’

  She took me to her bedroom and rifled through the hangers in her wardrobe, plucking out dresses and holding them against me, then frowning and putting them back. Finally, she pulled out a black dress covered in dry-cleaner’s plastic.

  ‘This one,’ she said. ‘It’s a wrap-around. I bought it for Granddad’s funeral.’

  ‘Well, that’s cheery.’

  ‘It was very expensive. You’ll look sophisticated.’

  ‘I’ll look like I’m in mourning. It’s the exact opposite of a party outfit.’

  She laughed. ‘Your idea of a party outfit was a little risqué.’

  ‘Well, I’m only agreeing if I can wear the necklace with it.’ It was the one thing Mum had inherited – a gift from her dad to her mum on their fortieth wedding anniversary and concrete proof that love could last a lifetime. ‘Granddad said we could share it when I turned sixteen.’

  ‘That’s weeks away.’

  ‘Today’s a special occasion and it’s a waste keeping it shut in a box all the time.’

  But Mum said it was too precious, and if I lost it, it’d break her heart.

  Once I was sealed into the dress, she brushed my hair. ‘You don’t know this,’ she said, ‘but when we first moved here, I wasn’t speaking to Granddad. He thought I was foolish getting pregnant so young. And he was ashamed your dad wanted nothing to do with me.’

  ‘That wasn’t your fault.’

  ‘I should have made better choices, apparently. I shouldn’t have thrown my future away.’ She smiled at me in the mirror. ‘I let him pay for the flat, but nothing else. I wanted to prove I could manage. I was eighteen years old with a new baby and I didn’t know a single person in London. I had no job, no friends and hardly any money.’

  ‘You had me.’

  ‘Yes, I had you. And you were beautiful.’ She wrapped a band round my hair and pulled it tight. ‘But I’d go days without speaking to anyone. I’d sit in the park and watch couples with their kids and it felt like I came from a different planet. Even after I met Meryam and made a few friends, it was tough. I didn’t go on a date for years. I began to think I’d never be loved that way by a man again.’

  ‘Mum, that’s gross!’

  She laughed as she twisted my hair into a knot. ‘You’ll understand when you’re older. What I’m trying to tell you is that when John came along it was like my lights switched back on.’

  ‘That’s gross too!’

  ‘It’s important to me that you two get along.’

  ‘So you keep saying.’

  ‘Especially now we’re getting married.’

  ‘OK. I get it.’

  ‘Good. And talking of Meryam – she’s coming tonight, so you’ll know someone.’

  ‘Meryam’s your friend.’

  ‘But you’ve known her all your life, so you can chat to her. And she might bring Ben.’

  ‘What did you invite him for? I see him every day at school, so that’s just weird.’ I tried to read the look that flickered across Mum’s face. ‘Are you secretly thinking I’ve got no friends?’

  She sighed. ‘No, I’m secretly thinking we’ve got precisely twenty minutes before people start to arrive.’ She snapped a hairclip into place at the top of my head. ‘You’re done.’

  But I was wrong in so many places. Even my hair misbehaved and had to be tucked a
way. I wanted something to be right. So, after she went off to get Iris ready, I snuck open Mum’s jewellery box and took the necklace. It was like something a queen would wear – a solid gold chain with eight rubies set along it. The stones held fire.

  Standing at the top of the stairs now, I tipped the necklace to the light. ‘Granddad,’ I whispered. ‘Help me nail this.’

  If you want a favour from the dead, you have to offer them something back – like leaving them food or doing a special job or keeping their secrets. Whenever I asked my granddad for help, I promised never to forget him.

  Iris was wearing her fairy outfit. She whirled on the lawn, her hair tumbling loose and her wings sparkling. She saw me and waved. ‘Lexi!’ I waved back, and she ran up the stairs to me. I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist and I spun her.

  John was watching, and he called, ‘Careful on those steps, Alexandra.’

  I set Iris gently down. ‘Wish me luck with the canapés.’

  ‘You want me to help?’

  ‘I promised I’d do it. I’m supposed to mingle.’

  ‘We could do it together. Then you’re already mingling.’

  I took her hand. ‘Will you do the talking?’

  ‘And you hold the tray?’

  ‘Exactly. Like a sister double act. You’re the clever one and I’m the strong one.’

  She was brilliant at it. I held the tray and tried not to drop anything, and Iris was my angelic assistant.

  ‘Crostini?’ she said. ‘Or we have filo tartlets, vol-au-vents or breaded prawns. I’ve tried them all and they’re delicious.’

  People loved her. People radiated warmth just looking at her.

  ‘Look at the little one, isn’t she adorable?’

  ‘Gorgeous.’

  ‘Not surprising, given her father …’

  ‘That man gets more handsome each week, I swear.’

  ‘What about the older girl?’

  ‘She’s not his.’

  Not yet I wasn’t. But after the wedding I would be.

  I pulled Iris close. ‘What do you do,’ I asked, ‘to make everyone love you?’

  ‘I smile a lot.’

  ‘Doesn’t that make your jaw ache? Don’t you get sick of it?’

  She glared at me. ‘It takes more muscles to frown.’

  Which made me laugh. Which made her laugh too.

  We gave out two whole trays of starters and had nearly finished the third when we saw Meryam. Iris ran over and hugged her. Meryam held her arms out to me. ‘Lexi,’ she said. ‘I haven’t seen you for ages.’

  I couldn’t hug her properly because of the tray, so I leaned in and she stroked me on the back.

  ‘How are you?’ she said.

  I shrugged. ‘OK, thanks.’

  ‘She doesn’t like people she doesn’t know,’ Iris told her. ‘And she thinks smiling makes your jaw ache.’

  Meryam laughed. ‘You have my sympathy, Lex. It’s tough to be smiley with strangers – especially such stylish ones. I find it helps to imagine them on the toilet.’

  Iris giggled so much that people looked over. I liked it that we looked as if we were having more fun than them. It made it easy to tell Meryam about the red dress I’d originally been wearing and how John had a meltdown when he saw it. ‘It was funky,’ I said. ‘Much nicer than this one.’ Meryam stroked my arm and said that no dress could hide my youthful beauty.

  We talked about the surprise of John’s marriage proposal after all these years, and I said it was because Kass’s mum wouldn’t sign the divorce papers, and Iris said she probably still loved him and I said it was because she was badass and we all started giggling again. Then Meryam said, ‘I’m sorry, girls, but I’ve finally seen someone I know. Do you mind if I pop off and talk to them?’

  Iris gave her an electric smile. ‘I’m popping off first.’ And she skipped away, her fairy wings bouncing. Me and Meryam watched her go. We seemed less without her.

  Meryam said, ‘Come with me if you want, Lex.’

  I knew it was because she felt sorry for me and I jiggled my tray. ‘I’ve got to hand these out.’

  ‘Let me call Ben over to help you. He’s by the bar – look.’

  He was taking a lug from a bottled beer. He was the same age as me, so how come he was allowed to break the rules? He didn’t seem to have to follow the dress code either, and was wearing jeans and a hoodie.

  Meryam nudged me. ‘Why not go over and say hello?’

  ‘I will in a minute. I’ll get rid of these canapés first.’

  She gave me a gentle rub on the back and walked off. I pretended to be Iris as I took the tray round the garden again. I tried to look friendly and normal. ‘Crostini? Filo tartlet?’

  Mum and John were talking by the fence, so I went over and held out my tray. ‘Vol-au-vent?’

  Mum gave me a small smile. ‘Not now, Lex.’

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Nothing babe, it’s OK.’

  But John looked hassled and Mum was all tense, so something was going on.

  ‘It’s a party,’ John said to her. ‘I’m allowed to talk to people, surely?’

  ‘I don’t have a problem with you talking, John. That’s not what I meant.’

  I took a piece of cucumber from the tray and shoved it in my mouth. It wasn’t as nice as it looked. It tasted of water and fridges.

  John wiped an arm across his face and it made him look tired, and maybe Mum felt guilty about whatever she’d said because she took a big breath. ‘Forget I said anything.’

  ‘Bit late for that.’

  I took another piece of cucumber and chomped it down at top volume.

  John blinked at me. ‘What’re you doing?’

  I smiled up at him. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Aren’t you supposed to be handing food around instead of eating it yourself?’

  ‘It’s only cucumber.’

  ‘What, you think that doesn’t count?’

  ‘It’s got zero calories.’

  ‘I’m talking about the fact that you’re not leaving any for anyone else.’

  I took a vol-au-vent instead and ate it while staring at him.

  ‘Are you not going to stop her?’ he said to Mum. ‘It was your idea to have her helping, and now she’s guzzling everything.’

  Mum smiled soothingly at him. ‘Let me deal with Lexi. You get back to the guests.’

  He huffed through his nose, like that’s what he’d wanted all along. ‘Speech in ten minutes?’ he said. His voice had lost some of its edge.

  ‘Sure,’ Mum said.

  He kissed her on the cheek. ‘I love you. Never forget it.’

  We watched him walk away.

  I waited for Mum to have a go at me about the canapés, but she’d noticed the necklace and was frowning.

  ‘Oh, Lex, what did I tell you?’

  I skimmed my hand along the chain. ‘It’ll be fine. I won’t lose it.’

  ‘Does nothing I say to you make any difference?’

  ‘I’ll be careful. It’s helping me feel brave.’

  She shook her head. ‘Please. You promised best behaviour tonight.’

  I hated that disappointed look in her eyes. ‘OK, OK, I’ll take it off.’

  ‘Not here. Finish handing out the canapés. I’ve got to bring the main buffet down in a minute. Then, straight upstairs and put it back in my jewellery box.’

  I quickly did another tour of the lawn, offloading most of what was left, and then took the almost empty tray over to a couple standing by one of the outdoor heaters. He was grey-haired and expensive-looking; she was pretty and much younger than him. I gave them my best attempt at a smile. ‘Breaded prawn?’

  The woman shook her head politely. ‘No, thank you.’

  The bloke looked me up and down. ‘Any chance you could get me another glass of Chablis?’

  I balanced the tray onto one arm and helped myself to a crostini and stuffed it in my mouth.

  He stared at me. The woman s
tared at me too.

  ‘I don’t work here,’ I said. ‘I’m one of the daughters.’

  I picked up a vol-au-vent to prove it, but as I brought it to my mouth, it collapsed and slid out of my hand. The woman gave a little yelp as it landed on her foot.

  ‘Shit,’ I said. ‘I’m really sorry.’

  John came bounding over. ‘What happened?’

  ‘An accident,’ the woman said, waving a hand. ‘No harm done.’

  ‘Right on your shoe! Oh, Alexandra – butter fingers …’

  ‘I didn’t do it on purpose,’ I said quietly.

  ‘Run and get some tissues, quickly.’

  The bloke handed me his napkin. ‘Use this.’

  I knelt on the grass and scooped the biggest lump from the woman’s shoe. My face burned as I folded it into the cloth and dabbed at what was left. I felt all three of them looking down at me.

  ‘Can’t get the staff,’ John said.

  ‘Ha ha,’ said the man.

  I’d smeared it and made everything worse – the shoe looked cloudy and damp.

  ‘Never mind,’ the woman said. ‘Really, it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘It does,’ John said. ‘Send me the bill if it needs a specialist clean, Monika. Honestly, I mean it.’

  I stood up and held the man’s napkin out to him, but John waved me away. ‘I think the bin, don’t you?’

  I walked two circumferences of the garden. I thought about camouflaging myself as a bush. I thought about lying on the ground and pretending to be dead. I thought about creeping up the stairs and going to my room. Instead, I found a dark place under my tree and sat there.

  ‘Hey, Lex!’

  I snapped my eyes open, convinced for one amazing second it was Kass – but no: Ben was standing grinning in front of me.

  ‘Why are you sitting by yourself?’ he said.

  ‘Because I hate parties.’

  He laughed. ‘Are you hatching a plan to wreck it?’

  I stared at him. ‘Why would I do that? You think I’m a nutter?’

  I sounded furious and he looked embarrassed. His feelings were always right there on the surface for anyone to see.

  I said, ‘Did your mum tell you to talk to me?’