Furious Thing

by Jenny Downham

  ‘About you having a condition.’

  ‘What kind of condition?’

  ‘I don’t know, but he wants you to see some doctor mate of his.’

  ‘He can’t make me see a doctor! He’s not my parent.’

  ‘No, but your mum is, and she agrees with him, apparently.’

  ‘What kind of doctor? One for mad people?’

  ‘I doubt it.’

  ‘Some scary bastard who uses electricity to fry people’s brains?’

  ‘Calm down, Lex. I’ll talk to him. He’s just annoyed about the window thing.’

  I couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. It was as if the whole world had concertinaed shut and caught me in its folds.

  ‘Shit,’ Kass said. ‘Are you crying? You never cry.’

  ‘My mum never said anything. She must agree with him. Do you? Do you think I’ve got a condition?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What if I have? What if I’ve got some kind of explosive anger disorder? What if it turns out I’m a psycho?’

  ‘You’re not.’

  ‘This is why your dad doesn’t like me, isn’t it? He stood on those steps at the party going on about his wonderful life, and Iris was in his arms and Mum was standing next to him and I was right there, and he never mentioned me at all.’

  ‘Was this before or after you told his boss to fuck off?’

  ‘It’s not funny, Kass. He’s ashamed because I’m not perfect.’

  Kass took my hand and held it. I knew I was disgusting, blubbing all over him. ‘None of us are perfect, Lex. I’m certainly not.’

  ‘Hey,’ I said. ‘Maybe you’ve got a condition too? Remember all the tricks we used to play on your dad? Remember all the times we hid or ran away? Most of that stuff was your idea.’

  ‘We were kids, Lex.’

  ‘What, and you’re all grown up, so everything’s different now?’ I used my sleeve to wipe my nose and he laughed, so I hit him. ‘It’s not funny! I don’t want to be the only crazy one.’

  ‘You are so very pissed,’ he said.

  I said, ‘Your dad told the head teacher I’m always causing trouble at home and she said it was the same at school and why did I insist on winding everyone up? And my mum sat there saying nothing. Not one word. Why does she never say anything?’

  Kass shook me then. He shook me gently by the shoulders until the tears turned to something else, like banging the back of a screen when it pixelated.

  ‘Is the doctor thing why you’ve been avoiding me?’ I said. ‘You felt bad for knowing?’

  He held out his hand. ‘Come on, let’s walk some of that booze off.’

  ‘I read a story once about a girl whose dad got her kidnapped and taken to some private nuthouse in the middle of nowhere.’

  ‘That’s not happening to you.’

  ‘They can do what they like to you in those places. They can beat the crap out of you and no one cares.’

  ‘I’ll break you out,’ Kass said.

  ‘I bet you won’t.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘It’ll be illegal, and you’d need a gun and you won’t have time and after a few weeks you’ll forget all about me.’

  ‘Yeah, you’re probably right – you’re not very memorable.’

  I didn’t laugh. I felt young and small and sad. I knew I was drunk, but it felt like the worst night of my life.

  ‘Let’s go back to the party,’ I said. ‘Have you ever tried that stuff in the balloons? Does it stop life being crap? Will it make me happy?’

  He looked at me in that way he sometimes did when I went too far – as if he wanted to come with me and wanted to put the brakes on all at once. ‘I should take you home.’

  ‘I want to get drunk instead.’

  ‘I’d say you’ve already achieved that ambition.’

  I took his hand. ‘Can I come back to yours?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m supposed to be ill. Cerys was my alibi.’ I blinked at him. ‘Where is Cerys? Is she still at the party?’

  ‘She left.’

  ‘Why did she do that?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. Look, it’s going to be tricky you coming to mine. My mum’s there.’

  ‘Then I’ll go back to the party and go home with balloon boy.’

  He held my hand all the way to the end of the street. It was dark, and the sky was full of mist and we didn’t see anyone as we walked along. I said if he didn’t let me crash at his, I’d run away. He said I was an idiot and if I did that, I’d be in ridiculous trouble. I said I didn’t care. He said he was unwilling to worry his mum or get into shit with his dad, and either I went home or he was going to call his dad to come and pick me up. I said I’d walk the streets all night rather than get in a car with his father and when I got murdered it would be his fault. He said I was very unlikely to be murdered, but I might get hypothermia or get hungry or get hassled by drunk boys. That made me smile. I don’t know why.

  ‘I can’t believe your dad wants to send me to a doctor,’ I said. ‘It’s not even his decision.’

  Kass shrugged. ‘It is if your mum agrees.’

  ‘Why can’t she be more like your mum and throw stuff at his head?’

  ‘My mum hasn’t thrown anything for years.’

  ‘Why not?’ I looked at Kass, seriously expecting an answer. I was drunk, and the night felt as if it might have some truth in it, but all he did was shrug.

  ‘So,’ he said, ‘I guess you can come back to mine, but you have to drink two pints of water and go straight to bed. I am not getting blamed for your morning hangover. I’ll call my mum and tell her you can’t bear to go home ’cause my dad’s been a prick for some reason. I’m sure she’ll be very hospitable.’

  I wasn’t sure that was true, but I felt excited suddenly.

  Kass said, ‘Phone your mum.’

  I knew she’d kick off, so I offered to text her. ‘I’ll tell her I’m staying at Jamila’s for the night.’

  Of course, Mum rang as soon as she got the text. I refused to answer. I refused to listen to her voicemail. Kass whipped the phone from me and listened and then he sent her a new text. Apparently, she wanted an actual conversation.

  ‘I’ve texted that you’re nearly asleep, feeling much better and will contact her first thing in the morning, OK?’

  ‘I’m nearly sixteen,’ I said as he passed me my phone back. ‘When will this be over?’

  Kass chuckled as we carried on walking. ‘You’re very lucky, because I happen to know the answer to that one.’ He stooped down and kissed my hair. ‘And the answer is – by the time you’re eighteen, my love, you will be free.’

  ‘You’re already there,’ I said.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘You called me my love.’

  ‘I did.’ We stood in the street blinking at each other.

  12

  I hadn’t seen Kass’s mum since me and Kass wheeled newborn Iris over in her pram because he wanted his mum to meet his half-sister. Sophie had been kind that day, giving us cake and lemonade and making a smiling fuss of Iris. She hadn’t said a single mean thing about my mum stealing her husband.

  Six years later and she didn’t look so friendly as we walked into her lounge. She was watching TV in the dark and paused the screen as we came through the door. She was only ten minutes into some movie, which meant she’d started watching it after Kass called her and was only pretending to be busy.

  ‘Hey, Sophie,’ I said. ‘Long time no see.’

  ‘Hello, Alexandra. Yes, it’s been a while.’

  ‘Lex,’ said Kass. ‘She prefers to be called Lex. Or Lexi.’

  Sophie turned the TV off and switched on a raffia lamp by her side. The wall by her head was instantly covered in dappled light. She’d put weight on since I’d last seen her and looked prettier. Her hair was a tangle of dark curls like Kass’s, but she had streaks of grey in it now. She observed me warily.

  ‘So,’ she said, ‘what’s happened that you can’t go ho
me?’

  ‘Nothing much,’ Kass said. ‘She broke a grounding and drank too many cocktails. I’ve squared it with Dad – don’t worry.’ He clapped his hands. ‘Right – water and paracetamol for Lex. Tea for me. Mum, you want anything?’

  His mum frowned at me. ‘How many cocktails have you had?’

  ‘Mum, don’t fuss,’ Kass said. ‘Everything’s under control.’

  His mum kept frowning as she declined tea and waved a hand at me to sit opposite her. Kass went to the kitchen and I sat down. It was awkward. I didn’t want her to disapprove of me. I wanted to stay the night.

  ‘So,’ she said. ‘Tell me about the party.’

  Images of cocktails, balloons and a falling table lit up my brain. But those things would make me sound debauched, so I told her instead about the people and the music and how I’d kept faith Kass would show up. ‘I enjoyed dancing,’ I said. ‘Which was a surprise because I usually don’t. And I liked not knowing anyone. Well, except for Kass and Cerys.’

  ‘Ah, Cerys. What happened to her?’

  I blinked at her. ‘She left without us.’

  She frowned again. We’d neglected Cerys and she knew it. ‘And you decided to break a grounding?’

  Tears pricked, and I wiped them away. ‘I thought if I stayed away from home for a while, things might go better for everyone.’

  ‘Things aren’t good at home?’

  Her voice was cool. It felt like an interrogation. Had she deliberately waited for Kass to be out of the room to ask me questions?

  ‘It’s more that me and John don’t get along. He’d like me to be charming and obedient and I can’t seem to do it.’

  She nodded.

  ‘I’m making an extra effort now they’re getting married, though. So long as I keep out of everyone’s way and avoid getting sent to a nuthouse, it should be all right.’

  Sophie looked shocked. ‘What do you mean?’

  I stared back at her, embarrassed. Kass shouldn’t’ve left us alone. Anything could fall out of me. I might tell her I was in love with her son next. I might confess I planned to creep into his bed later.

  Thinking about him brought him. He came in with a tray – tea, two pints of water and a plate of buttered toast.

  ‘Both waters are for you, Lex,’ he said. ‘And half the toast.’ He handed me two paracetamols and made me drink one whole glass of water.

  I gave him my most dazzling smile as I handed back the glass.

  ‘Toast next,’ he said. ‘Then the other water. Then bed.’

  I kept grinning. The room tilted and still I grinned. I couldn’t believe I was being looked after by Kass in the flat where he’d grown up with his mum. It felt like a dream. John would go mental if he found out.

  ‘I like it here,’ I said.

  They both gazed silently at me. I kept grinning.

  ‘Toast,’ Kass said.

  ‘You’re incredibly bossy,’ I said.

  He rolled his eyes. ‘Just eat it.’

  I stuck my tongue out at him to show Sophie how well I knew her son – that I could be casual with him like that. I wanted him to laugh in that free way he did with me. I wanted to sit next to him and press my leg against his. But he sat on the sofa next to his mum and asked her how her evening had been.

  She told him about some news programme she’d watched and about the friend in the States she’d Skyped, and he asked when she was going to get her act together and get on a plane and visit the friend and she teased him about handing over some of his student loan to pay for it.

  She asked him about the party. Kass didn’t tell her much. He probably didn’t want to get me into trouble.

  I ate slowly, trying to make it last. I liked watching them together. If Kass was my boyfriend, it would always be this way.

  When I finished the second glass of water, Sophie said she better change the linen on Kass’s bed for me and find some bedding for the sofa and then we should probably all get some sleep.

  ‘I’ll have the sofa,’ I said.

  She shook her head. ‘You’re a guest. You’re having a bed.’

  ‘I don’t need fresh linen, though.’

  ‘You do,’ she said. ‘I haven’t changed it since last time Kass was home.’ She made it seem as if Kass was very dirty. She didn’t realize I’d be happy breathing in his scent.

  She was going, and I wanted to speak to her some more because I might not see her for another six years, but I didn’t know what to say.

  My chance came when Kass was washing up the cups and she went to sort out bedding. I walked silently out of the lounge and found her in her bedroom. It was big with a mirrored wardrobe, a double bed and orange curtains.

  ‘Hello,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, hello. You all right?’

  I couldn’t think of a single reason to have followed her to her bedroom. ‘Do you have a spare tampon?’ I asked.

  She slid one of the glass doors of the wardrobe open and passed me a box. ‘Take them,’ she said. ‘Use as many as you need.’ She slid the wardrobe shut, clearly expecting me to go.

  I stood there. I was closest to the door. Kass was still clunking about in the kitchen and she was trapped.

  ‘I want you to know,’ I said, ‘that John didn’t get an amazing new life with us. He got me as part of the deal and I have a terrible temper.’

  ‘I see,’ she said.

  ‘I didn’t want to tell you earlier, but I threw a chair through a window the other day.’

  She nodded politely. She was giving nothing away.

  ‘I was wondering if you had any anger management tips? I thought you might be a good person to ask.’

  A pause. A breath. In and out.

  ‘Why did you think I might be a good person to ask?’ she said.

  I gazed at her. The room swayed slightly, as if I’d just stepped onto a boat. ‘Kass told me you used to chuck things.’

  For the first time, she smiled at me. It was a sad and sorry smile, but it lit up her face. ‘You’re a sweet girl,’ she said. ‘But I really think you need to get some sleep.’

  ‘I’m not having a go at you.’

  ‘I know you’re not.’ She walked over and put an arm round me and led me out of the room. I wanted to ask if John had ever threatened her with a doctor or told her she had a condition, but I didn’t because she ushered me into the bathroom and when I came out, Kass was waiting for me.

  ‘What did you say to my mum?’

  ‘Nothing. Why?’

  ‘Never mind. She’s gone to bed. She said to tell you goodnight.’

  He escorted me to his room. I sat on the bed and waited for him to tell me what would happen next. Maybe he wasn’t going to stay on the sofa after all. Maybe he was going to shut the door behind him and climb into bed with me.

  Instead, he stood in the doorway and looked at me.

  I looked back at him. My heart hurt. I wanted to cry again, and I didn’t know why.

  ‘Goodnight, Lex.’

  ‘Why are you being weird?’

  He shrugged. ‘It’s a weird situation.’

  ‘Do you wish I wasn’t here?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Have you had any texts?’

  He checked his phone. ‘Not about you.’

  ‘From Cerys?’

  He put his phone away. ‘Get some sleep, Lex.’

  I held out my hand. ‘Do you think I’ll be grounded for the rest of my life?’

  ‘They think you’re at a mate’s house, don’t they? You’ll be fine.’

  ‘And you won’t tell?’

  He mimed zipping his lips, then came to sit next to me on his bed. He smelled so familiar, but also different. I think he had a new aftershave.

  ‘I kissed a boy tonight,’ I said.

  ‘I noticed. Did you like him?’

  ‘He wanted to kiss me, that’s all.’

  ‘You don’t have to kiss people just because they want to.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘What did you wa
nt?’

  ‘To know what it would feel like.’

  Kass was silent for a moment. Then, ‘Was that your first kiss?’

  I thought it might be wrong to admit it – like it made me less wild. But I also wanted him to know that I’d been waiting for him, saving myself for him, that the boy at the party was meaningless. I turned to tell him, and he was looking right at me and I hadn’t even known.

  He was so beautiful and so close. Whole seconds went by with us looking at each other.

  ‘I should go,’ he said.

  But he didn’t sound as if he meant it, so I reached out to touch his hair. I’d been wanting to do it all night. It was black and soft, and his curls were the same shape as my fingers when I crooked them, and seemed to turn blue in the light.

  He whispered. ‘What are you doing?’

  But again, he didn’t stop me. I moved my hand down to stroke the skin of his neck and shoulder. I traced his tattoo and wondered if anyone but me had ever touched him there so tenderly. I thought Cerys might’ve done, but she wasn’t there to claim him, was she? She was probably the one who was ringing him, though. I could hear the dull vibration of his phone from his pocket.

  ‘Don’t answer it,’ I said.

  He took hold of my wrist. ‘Lex. You have to stop.’

  I counted his breaths to get rid of the sound of the phone. I laid my other hand gently on his chest and counted his heartbeats.

  ‘Lex,’ he said again.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to stop.’

  I edged closer and his skin grazed mine, rough with stubble, and our lips touched, barely pressing, and I was thinking, Is this even real?

  But it was. There, on his boyhood bed, I got my wish and we kissed – my mouth on his, my arms around him. Then his mouth on mine, pulling me nearer. He hauled me onto his lap and I straddled him, and he wrapped me closer still and pressed against me as we kissed some more.

  It went on for ages. I was breathless with it. We stopped and couldn’t look at one another. I buried my face in his shirt, his chest, his neck. He held the back of my head, his fingers threading my hair, his breath hot on the side of my face.

  ‘Fuck,’ he whispered.

  I could feel his heart pounding. I think it was his. It may have been mine.

  I thought of the tree and how we were bound.