by Shelly Crane
"Yeah," I whispered and patted his back. "I did, too."
"God, I love you, bro."
"I love you, too, Mase. I missed you."
He leaned back, his hand on my shoulder. "We'll…talk, okay. Don't worry about it. One thing at a time."
I nodded. "Yeah. Definitely."
He and Maya handed off the baby for a hug, and we were on our way with a promise to come back soon.
On the ride out of town though, it wasn't long before blue flashing lights were in my rearview mirror.
"I wasn't speeding," I mused as I pulled over.
Maya stayed quiet and watched as I got my insurance card and everything pulled out. I had already given Maya my jacket because it was colder than the day before, especially with no doors, and now this guy was making the trip even longer.
He came to stand at my door and gave a small smirk when he saw me. "License. Registration."
"Sure," I said and handed it over. "Can I ask what I was doing wrong? I didn’t think I was speeding."
"Milo Sawyer." I nodded. "Milo, huh? That's not a very common name."
I looked over. The way he said that was like he was goading me. Like he wanted me to get something.
"I guess not. Sir, can you tell me what I was doing wrong?"
"Are you from around here?"
"I live a couple hours from here."
"That's not what I asked."
"Well, sir, no disrespect, but we're kind of playing the avoid-the-question game."
He chuckled. "You've got a taillight out."
That was a lie. I knew for a fact I didn't. This was one of Roz's front pocket police.
I smiled like I was guilty. "I do? Dang. Well, my girl and I were taking a drive to see my parents up in the mountains. Sorry. I didn't know the light was out or I would've gotten my dad to look at it."
"Your dad," he said slowly.
Maya stayed quiet, but I could tell in her face she was confused. And a little scared. I looked over at her and tried to tell her it would be okay. I put my hand on her leg, my thumb rubbing over the top of her thigh, as my eyes begged her to trust me. When I looked back to the officer, I eyed his book and grimaced.
"Do you have to write me a ticket for it?"
"Nah." He flipped his book and smiled. "Just get it taken care of when you get home, all right?"
"Will do."
"And get that pretty thing out of the cold." He jutted his chin toward Maya. "Wouldn't want anything to happen to her."
Maya gasped as he walked away. As soon as I shifted the gears into high so my hand could be free, I reached for her as I sped away. I prayed she wouldn't push me away, but I had to try. I knew this day would come. I knew the day would come for me to lay all my transgressions on the table and she would have to choose to run screaming or accept them as me.
That day was today.
I didn't look at her, just drove. When my fingers touched her, I expected her to flinch, but she did the total opposite. She wrapped both of her hands around mine and pulled herself close to press against my arm. "Milo, are you okay? What's going on? Who was that?"
"Can you call Will and check on him?" I asked her.
She nodded. "Of course."
"Would that be okay? If I don't take you home for a while? I need to tell you everything, and you need to hear it before we go any further."
"Yes, I do," she answered. It was like a knife through my skull. "Because I want to know you, not because I'm looking for a reason to leave."
"Let's hope you still feel that way when the night is through."
Maya
Two cups of hot chocolate later, we were both sitting on his kitchen counter, and he was spilling his guts. It hurt to hear it, see it, watch it. He honestly thought the entire world hated him and wanted him ejected for bad behavior. At one point, he threw his full cup in the sink and it splashed and spilled everywhere as he ranted and continued to tell me how "evil" he was.
Milo hated himself so much for leaving his family that it made it impossible for him to even speak of the time when he was a teenager without his hands shaking.
His words ran together, he mumbled, he yelled, he whispered, he begged, his eyes were closed at one point. He wanted to tell me so badly and wanted to run away at the same time. His entire world was tearing him apart with this. I remembered this feeling well.
I had to let him finish. I had to let him get it all out.
It was the only way to get all the rot out so the healing could begin.
Mason was at a party…drunk, left phone…Mother went to get him…accident…Milo rebelled, partying, running away…hated Mason…Mason tried to save him over and over…kept falling further…Emma and Mason…Milo crashed their wedding because he had to see…him getting beaten to a pulp for the money he owed…the hospital…the cops wanted to ask him questions…Roz would kill him…left town…found pastor and Joey…she took night classes at college…helped him stay clean…pastor found him an apartment and a job…him and Joey never were more than friends…he knew in his heart once he told me, I would leave him because why would someone like me settle for someone like him…he was so scared to see Mason because he didn't know if he was still going to hate him…he couldn’t get to him fast enough…he never felt so guilty than when he visited his Mom for the first time…all he wanted was to work hard, stay clean, be with his family, be normal…
"Maya, I'm sorry that I can't be some squeaky clean man who makes a nice living. I'm sorry my past is filled with things that are nothing to be proud of. I'm sorry I can't be a rock for you. I'm sorry I was a coward who ran and kept running. But I'm not running anymore and I'm not sorry that I fell for you." Fell, not falling. My heart sighed. "Even if it's just in my heart, I'll always be chasing you. It's up to you now, Maya."
His hands gripped the countertop as he faced away from me. I set the empty cup down and slid to the my feet. His hard shoulders tensed, but he didn’t turn around. I realized he thought I was leaving.
I jumped up on the counter right beside him and pulled him over to fit between my knees, his back to my front. I put my cheek against his head and my arms around his neck and hoped he understood this meant I wasn't going anywhere.
Some mistakes were bigger than others, but we all made them. I didn't want my mistakes to be held against me any more than anyone else did. I squeezed my arms and knees around him and kissed his cheek. "Thank you for trusting me," I whispered.
"You're not leaving?" was his tortured response.
"I have to at some point," I joked. "Will can't even boil water. He'll starve."
He sighed a small laugh and put his hands over mine on his chest, leaning back like exhaustion hit him. "Just know that you changed me and helped me more than anyone I know."
"Joey did pretty good," I countered, though I didn't want to. She really had kind of hindered him by not getting him into a program. She made him depend solely on her for him to stay clean. He needed to learn to depend on himself for that and healing. Forgiveness was a huge part of that. He was just now taking the first step.
"No," he said and shook his head. He turned just his head and looked up at me. "I know what Joey did. She thought she was doing right, but it was selfish. She wanted to be some hero so she could say she saved me all by herself." I pressed my lips together. I wasn't about to start Joey-bashing. She may not have pushed him through, but she at least brought him to the door. She did save him. I would always be grateful and envious of her for that. I would be thankful to her for that and be jealous that she'll always be in his heart for being the one.
He reached up and tucked my hair behind my ear. "Wow, even now you can't say one bad word about her."
"She did save you, Milo. She may not have done all the right things, but she took you into the shelter and got you clean. I'll always, always," I choked and looked away. He pulled my face back by my chin. He looked confused and in complete wonder that these tears were for him. I finished; I had to. "I'll always be grateful that she
was your friend when you needed one the most. It's the reason you're here now. How could I not be thankful to her for that?"
He inched me down toward him, even though he was twisted at an odd angle. "You aren't real, Maya."
His lips surrounded mine reverently, like they didn't deserve to be here. I pulled him closer, my hands going to his cheeks, forcing him to open his mouth and let me in. He seemed surprised by my force, but I was over the way he acted as though hope was lost on his redemption. That my forgiveness of him was all a whim, that it was almost…unfounded.
"I got you something." I pulled the coin from my pocket, the coin I'd brought on the trip with me, and showed it to him. "I bought this for the second day I knew you." I smiled and laughed. "I said to myself that if I still knew you and you were still sober on your two-year mark, I was going to give it to you."
He took it and looked at it as if it was made of gold. "I've never had one of these before."
"It's not just a stupid coin, is it?"
"No." He gripped it in his palm tightly and looked at me like he didn't know what to say. "No, it's not. Thank you for this."
I spoke against his lips, clinging to him, needing him to listen. "I'm not forgiving you or letting it go because I just don't want the drama, Milo, or because I went through a lot of the same and feel sorry for you."
He huffed a breath against my lips. "I know."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because…"
I put my mouth to his ear. "Because those who work as hard as you have to turn your life around deserve it. It doesn't have to given, Milo—your brother didn't have to forgive you. Of course not. But he did, and so do I. You have to forgive yourself if you're ever going to move on."
He panted and turned to look at me, his face so close as he nodded. He looked so wracked, but it was a good wracked. It was the face of someone who had been through it all and there was nothing left. I pulled him into the cave my body made with my arms and legs and let him nuzzle in close. We stayed there forever it seemed.
Finally, his lips began to move instead of resting against my skin. He pressed closer to me and kissed the column of my neck and behind my ear. I gripped his head tighter and I leaned my neck to the side to give him more room just before my phone rang. It could only be one person that late at night.
I yanked it from my pocket and put it to my ear. "Will?"
"I'm okay, Maya, but I need to go. I'm dizzy and my heart's slow."
"I'll be there in five minutes."
I slammed the phone shut and went to jump down. "I've got to go."
He nodded. "What's the matter?"
"Will's sick. Needs to go to hospital."
"I'll take you," he insisted and jammed his feet into some shoes.
"Uh…" I watched him grab his keys and go for our coats by the door. "You have work tomorrow. You don't have to—"
"You shouldn’t be driving upset. Besides, he's a big guy. I can help you carry him." He grabbed my hand and towed me out the door. "Come on, sweetheart. Fight me on it later."
Nine hours later, Milo was helping Will up the stairs. Oh, my gosh, he was like a walking, talking saint. He wouldn’t go home, wouldn't take coffee money, wouldn't let me drive there or back. And now Will was yakking it up with him like they were BFFs from first grade, and I was stuck worrying about them both—Will for obvious reasons, and Milo because he missed another day of work. If he got fired over this, I would…well, after I finished swooning, I'd bawl my eyes out and be so mad at him for doing it.
Milo put Will on the couch easily and went about giving him the remotes and other things guys would think to do. It was pretty sweet.
I took off Will's shoes and tossed a blanket over him before pulling Milo onto the porch. With my back to him, I began to lay into him for being so careless with his life. "You can't just buy me truck parts with your own money. You can't just miss work to take my brother to the hospital. You can't just—"
He turned me and took my face in his hands before kissing all the good sense out of me. I clung to his shirt as his arms pulled around me, hauling me into the arms that seemed to always be there lately, always ready to catch me. My arms moved on their own up around his head until all of me and all of him were touching as he kissed me gently. He leaned back just enough to speak, shaking his head. "This is what the long haul looks like." He kissed the end of my nose. "I'm not going anywhere. Get used to it, sweetheart."
My chest shook with a silent sob. He pulled my chin up and kissed my trembling mouth just as the door swung open.
"You don't have to do that outside like a couple of teenage delinquents. I am not Mom and Dad."
I looked over at Will and let my glare loose. "What the hell are you doing off the couch?"
"I'm older than you, warden. I'm the boss." He slapped Milo's upper arm. "Now come on. Bring my sister inside and make out in the house like a real man. Wait." He made a gagging noise. "That sounded weird."
Milo chuckled and I turned to him. "Um…I've got to go. I'll…" He looked at Will over my shoulder. "Make out with you in the house…like a real man…" Will nodded, "later."
"Yep!" Will called and went to go lie down again.
I laughed at them. Boys. "Okay. Will you tell me at least if you get fired or something? I mean…geez."
"I called work already. He was fine with it."
"You did?"
"You were busy." He shrugged. "It's fine."
"Thank you." He nodded. "No, really. Thank you."
"Maya," he sighed. "It's not a burden to be here. If you need me, call me. Anytime, okay? I meant what I said. I'm not going anywhere."
"I promise," I said and meant it, too.
He lifted my chin to kiss my lips once more before hopping off my porch. I watched him go the entire way. For once, I felt a little lighter. To not have to worry about Will all by myself felt amazing. I'd never had that before. I didn't know whether I should trust that or not, but Milo had trusted me with everything last night. He had laid it all out there for me to see.
So I would trust this. I would trust that when Milo said he wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't.
I didn't go into work that day, but Milo went to work and did some extra stuff to catch up. Will and I watched movies all day. He was acting fine. His attitude and demeanor were great, but his energy was way down. He wasn’t quite right, but he had just been in the hospital, so I tried not to push him.
I hated to go to work the next day, but I had to. I hated to leave Will, but he said he was fine and seemed to be. Or at least acted like he was. He was good at that. That night, Milo came over and had dinner with us. Before I knew it, a week had passed.
Joey was coming back into town for her dad's birthday party and wanted to do dinner with Milo. So he wanted to do dinner with Will and me, with them. He said that he and she didn't speak all that often anymore. I believed him. I believed that he would tell me the truth about it, but I would be lying if I said it didn't irk me a little that she was this huge, important part of his life that I wasn't a part of.
Will said he was feeling well enough to go out, so Milo took us to this place that made whole wheat wraps with organic vegetables and chicken. The pita chips and hummus were amazing.
Milo sat next to me and across from Joey, who sulked as if she were being set up with Will or something. Neither one of us was being the way we usually were with each other. I think we both knew why, but was it also because he was trying not to make Joey uncomfortable? Did he know that she had feelings for him? Every now and then he'd reach over and rub his pinkie against mine on the table and wait for me to look at him. Then he would smile like he'd been told he'd won the lottery. I was a little confused, but understood this was territory that needed to be breached gently. This was not a guns-a-blazing kind of fight.
"I thought we were eating Chinese?" Joey asked about halfway through dinner. "We always eat Chinese."
Milo glanced at me. I knew he was d
oing it for me. For Will. "Figured it wouldn't hurt to eat healthy once in a while. It's pretty good, huh?"
"Eh," she said, noncommittally.
See, that was the thing with her. It was like she was never mean, but never really nice either. She was never on board with either thing and it drove me crazy that I was never justified in my anger with her.
"Want to go get smoothies?" I suggested.
"Oooh! Some of my friends are throwing a party tonight, I think. I'll text them."
Milo sat silent. A party? "Uh, I don't think that's a good idea," I tried.
"What? Why?" She looked around. "Why not?"
"Well, besides the fact that Will isn’t feeling well, addicts really shouldn't be around drinking and things."
She kinda laughed. "Oh, Miles is fine. He's all better now. He wouldn't smoke a joint or drink a drop. He knows I would kick his behind."
I looked over at him and he was watching me, his eyes flicking from her to me.
I continued. "I'm an addict, too, but-"
"Oh," she said sadly. "If you can't handle it, then-"
"It's not really that, Joey. It's that you shouldn't put addicts in that position." She looked confused, her iPhone poised in her hand, texting finger at the ready. "It's like putting raw meat in front of a hungry dog and telling him he can't have it."
"Are you saying Miles is a dog?" she asked angrily.
I stood. "What?" What the hell? How did this happen? "No." I looked at him. Did he want me to defend him? Did he want me to fight her over him and do this? What if he was forced to choose over this? Is that what he wanted? Would he choose me? Would he be angry about that? Why was he just sitting there?
"All I was saying is that it's never a good idea to take an addict somewhere where they'll be tempted. They may say no and have no problem at all a million times, and then a million times and one is the time that they can't take it."
"No. I've worked with Miles and he is perfectly fine," she said proudly. "He would never do that to me." She hinged his whole being-clean-thing on his loyalty to her. Their friendship.
