I Am Unworthy

by Angela Mack

  “And I know I don’t deserve it, but I need to ask a favour…” My eyebrows shot up in disbelief.

  "Is that so?" I asked, arms folded.

  “Please don’t say anything to anyone. About what happened at my house Friday night. Or about Georgie leaving school on his own - we’ll be right in the shit if his teacher finds out.” He looked uncomfortable and a little embarrassed.

  “I haven’t said anything and I won’t. It’s none of my business or anyone else’s.” I turned to face him but kept my arms crossed, trying to at least come off that I was still annoyed, even though inside I had most definitely melted.

  “Thanks.” There was that smile again.

  “You know, sometimes people are nice because they want to be. Doesn’t mean they have an ulterior motive or anything. And certainly doesn’t make them a paedo…” Yeah, I was still smarting from that comment. Josh had the decency to wince.

  “I should never have said that. I was in a bad way still and I’m not used to people being nice without expecting something in return.” He looked down again, avoiding my eyes. I started to feel like a bit of a bitch. I was giving him a hard time when he and his family were obviously struggling through something. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hard on him. I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

  “It’s OK. How about we draw a line under it?” I smiled at him.

  “That would be great, thanks.” The bell rang, signalling it was time to get to classes. “OK, well er, see you around Isabel,” Josh said whilst standing to leave.

  “Hey, Josh?” He looked back at me.

  “My friends call me Izzy.” After a moment of hesitation, he nodded. Right before we parted ways, I could swear the corner of his lips twitched again.

  “Well, you have some explaining to do, my friend,” Sophie hissed as I entered biology. I climbed onto the stall next to her and rolled my eyes.

  "What do you mean?"

  “Since when are you and Josh Bugg buddies?!”

  “We’re not. Well, we might be. I don’t actually know…” Sophie’s brow furrowed, looking very sceptical.

  “Well, you must be if you’re hanging out at the weekend.” I wasn’t sure if she sounded a little miffed that I hadn’t told her about it.

  “We weren’t. I just...bumped into him on the way to work and he was a bit of an arse.” It wasn’t technically a lie.

  “Ah OK, that makes sense. Knew you’d tell me if you'd started dating someone.”

  “We are definitely not dating,” I scoffed. This morning was the longest conversation we’d ever had, and it had only lasted around ten minutes.

  “I’ve barely spoken to him to be honest. But I have...a feeling...that he is going through some kind of rough patch. Seems like he could do with a friend.” I shrugged. Even without Josh’s plea this morning, I wasn’t planning on sharing details of Josh’s life with anyone. I knew what it was like when people started gossiping about you, whether the gossip was true or not was irrelevant.

  Sophie squinted sideways at me, taking out her textbook as our teacher Mr Radley began talking about different organelles of eukaryotic cells.

  “So, you don't have anything other than 'friendly' feeling towards him, even if your new friend happens to be insanely hot?”

  "Definitely not."

  "Uh huh." She didn't look convinced, but I laughed her off. Sure, Josh was hot, but there was no way that I'd fall for a hothead like that. No chance.

  ◆◆◆

  By the time Friday rolled around, the week had been uneventful and perfectly normal. I hadn’t spoken to Josh or his brothers again. I had accepted the fact that we probably wouldn’t speak again and that everything would blow over and go back to normal. Whatever it was he was dealing with, it appeared to have resolved itself. It didn’t stop me keeping an eye out for his brothers after school each day though. If I saw them, Georgie would often wave and smile, but nothing else. It also didn’t stop me from visually seeking Josh out wherever I went. I found myself regularly searching corridors or the common room between classes, just to check on him. I tried to stop, but it was like I needed to know he was OK. I felt a surge of relief every day he showed up without any extra bruises.

  Although there weren't any new injuries, I couldn't help but notice that he didn't actually seem OK at all. He was quiet and brooding, often avoiding eye contact with anyone. He rarely spoke unless it was with his friend Ollie, and he often sat on his own in the common room. He'd nap or sit quietly, staring off into space. He looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  "Earth to Izzy! Hello?" Sophie waved in front of my face. We were waiting by the canteen for the others to join us for lunch. I had no idea what she'd been talking to me about.

  "Sorry. I zoned out there for a sec..." I felt my cheeks redden a little, embarrassed that I'd been lost in thoughts about Josh.

  “Hey, do you guys have a free period after lunch today?” Jack asked as he, Ed and Jess approached us. Sophie and I nodded.

  “So do we. Fancy going into town to grab lunch instead then? I’d kill for a Nando's,” Jack grinned. That boy was obsessed with the popular chicken restaurant.

  “Yeah, I don’t see why not,” Sophie smiled, looking up at him through her lashes. I definitely needed to prod her some more about what was going on there. So far she had stayed very close-lipped, only saying that she’d gotten to know him a little better when they all went to the cinema.

  “Wahey! Extended lunch break it is,” Ed exclaimed, punching his fists into the air.

  “You are such a loser,” Jess rolled her eyes, laughing. As we all moved to leave, I saw Josh nearby. He was heading in the opposite direction by himself, his hood pulled up and his hands in his pockets. I couldn't recall seeing Ollie today, so I wondered if he would be by himself for lunch. My friends were a few steps in front of me but I hung back, something pulling me towards Josh.

  "Gimme one sec," I called. The four of them turned around and watched as I jogged to catch up with him. I could feel my blood pressure rising a little. It was silly but I felt nervous. We still weren't really friends.

  "Hey, Josh!" He didn't reply, continuing on.

  "Josh!" I called, louder this time. He startled, turning towards me in surprise.

  "Er, hey," I smiled at him.

  "Hey," he said, head tilted a little in confusion. "Everything OK?"

  "Erm, yeah. A bunch of us are going into town for lunch as we have a free period right after. I was just er, wondering, if you would like to come with us?"

  "You're asking me. To go out with you. For lunch?" I swear, his eyebrows were going to crawl right off the top of his forehead if he raised them any higher. Although we'd come to some kind of truce, he had still been a dick the last time I had tried to be nice to him. I started to wonder whether this was actually a good idea. He looked over to where my friends were huddled waiting and back to me again.

  "And they’re OK with me coming too?" he asked sceptically.

  "Yes," I nodded reassuringly, sure that it would be fine, even though I hadn't actually checked with them. There were a couple of awkward seconds of silence and I shuffled my feet, turning to go.

  "Fuck it," I heard him mutter as he began to follow, eyes colliding with mine as he gave me a small smile. This boy's whole face transformed when he smiled. He pulled his hood back, pushing his hair out of his face. Even with the faded bruising giving his cheek a greenish glow, he still looked gorgeous.

  We walked over to re-join my friends and I grinned at them, trying to appear far more confident than I felt.

  "Josh is coming with us too." No one said anything, darting looks back and forth between them. Sophie quirked her eyebrows and Jess looked completely bewildered.

  "Well, alrighty then. To the realm of chicken!" Ed said, breaking the silence. He pointed forward whilst doing some kind of weird lunge. He was a strange boy, but I was glad for the distraction. Everyone began moving towards the campus exit, Josh hanging back slightly.
I slowed my pace, making sure I fell into step with him. I'd invited him to lunch so I wanted to make him feel included, not like some outsider hanging around whilst we all chatted.

  "What classes do you have this afternoon?" I asked him, desperately trying to avoid walking the ten minutes to Nando's in silence.

  "Art."

  "Oh, you must be in Jess's class then. She has that too."

  "Yeah, I've seen her in there." He stared straight ahead, avoiding my eyes.

  "What other classes did you pick?"

  "P.E. and business studies."

  "That's quite an eclectic mix, why did you pick those?" He looked across at me, seeming surprised.

  "What?" He was staring at me.

  "Er, nothing. I um, like working out and sports so I picked P.E., and Ollie was doing business, so I thought I'd tag along."

  "And art?" He sighed, looking ahead again.

  "It's the one thing I'm good at. Sketching helps me relax, tune everything out. Escape." He almost whispered the last word. As he stared off into the distance, I noticed again the sadness in his eyes. I surprised myself when I realised how much it bothered me. I don't know why, but I cared. He cleared his throat, shaking himself from his thoughts.

  "Where we going for lunch anyway?" We had reached the top of the high street, moving through the hustle of daytime foot traffic. With cobblestone streets, little boutique shops and many cafes and restaurants, Gilleford High street was a popular destination at lunch time.

  "Nando's." I nodded towards the sign further up ahead.

  "What's that?" He asked, brow furrowed.

  "It's a restaurant, sells lots of chicken. South African style cuisine, I believe. You’ve never been?" I couldn't believe he'd never even heard of it.

  "No." His steps had slowed, the space between us and my friends in front growing.

  "Everything OK?" I asked as we stopped outside the entrance.

  "Er, yeah. I'll be right behind you." He stood still, waiting for me to go in. I shrugged, stepping inside. After a few steps, I glanced back at him over my shoulder. He had turned away from the door and was reaching into his back pocket, pulling his wallet out. I could see him rifling through it, looking flustered. Ah shit.

  Chapter 8

  Joshua

  Why the fuck did I agree to go on this little jaunt? When Izzy had strolled over to me, all smiles and big green eyes, I had been completely taken aback that she’d asked me to go to lunch with her friends. No one had ever asked me to go out to lunch with them. No one. Usually Ollie and I hung out and neither one of us would eat that much. We were both conscious of conserving food and money. But Ollie's words from Saturday were ringing in my ears. If I wanted Izzy to keep her mouth shut and butt out, I needed to be nice to her.

  It had been hard enough sucking up to her on Monday and my pride had taken a major hit. I'd tried to look as disarming as possible, bringing out my puppy dog eyes and even a smile or two. It made me cringe just thinking about it. I usually wouldn't hesitate to turn her lunch offer down, but I'd noticed her looking at me a few times over the week. What if she was having second thoughts? What if she decided to tell her parents or the police about what she'd seen?

  I had about four quid in change in my wallet. That would be enough for a sandwich and a can of something from one of the bakeries in town. My mouth watered at the idea of actually having lunch for a change. I mulled it over, trying to weigh up whether the effort of acting like a nice guy would be worth it. Fuck it. I was going to go. I could play nice a little longer if it meant my life stayed private.

  I was surprised she didn't stay with her friends when we began walking into town. I'd assumed they'd walk together and I'd planned to hang back, not wanting to bother with making small talk. When Izzy fell into step beside me, I was immediately suspicious. Did she want to get me on my own to talk about last weekend again? But no, she only asked about my classes. I tried to convince myself that telling her about why I chose art was all part of the nice guy act. I ignored the fact that it had caught me off guard how easy it was to talk to her.

  But now I was seriously regretting agreeing to come along. Why hadn't I checked where we were going before? There was no way I could afford a meal in a restaurant. I could withdraw some extra cash, but it was likely that I'd need it to top up on food at some point this month. No, I wasn't going to risk Georgie or Ryan going hungry just so I could eat a fancy lunch. I could probably have tap water and a plate of chips or some kind of side. I'd just tell everyone I had eaten a big breakfast or something. Feeling better about my plan and still looking forward to eating chips, I squared my shoulders and held my chin up, pushing through the door and spying Izzy at a nearby table.

  "OK, we've ordered. your turn." Jess, the girl in my art class, returned to the table with the rest of their friends in tow. Izzy stood, motioning me towards the tills. I ordered, the waitress frowning when I only had to pay £2.60. What a result! I ignored her, happy to actually be getting some change, and grabbed the glass of tap water she held out to me. Izzy stepped up for her turn and I hesitated. I didn't fancy going to sit with her friends without her. I didn't know any of them. Then again, I didn't really know Izzy either. Grow a pair, Josh.

  I went back to the table, sitting down across from where I'd seen Izzy sitting. The two guys were at the other end of the table, laughing and joking about something. Jess was sitting in the middle opposite me and another girl, whose name I didn't know, was immediately next to me. They were both quiet, watching me. I raised my eyebrows at Jess as she stared, her eyes roaming over the bruises on my face.

  "So...Josh...do you know everyone here?" She asked and I slowly shook my head.

  "I'm Sophie." The girl next to me smiled. She looked like she spent most of her time outside, she was so tanned. Both she and Jess were tiny, at least a foot shorter than me.

  "That's Jack and Ed," Jess introduced the guys and they paused, offering a chin lift each and then going back to their conversation. Izzy then came back to the table and the girls seemed to visibly relax.

  "What did you order?" Jess turned to her.

  "Chicken burger and chips," Izzy responded, her eyes darting to me and quickly away again. The girls started talking about their plans for the weekend, some kind of sleepover by the sounds of it, and I looked around the restaurant. It was packed. This place must have some pretty good food and by the smells coming from the kitchen, I was betting that I was going to have some major food envy. As if on cue, my stomach started gurgling, but the restaurant was so noisy that I don't think anyone heard. I couldn't remember the last time I was in a restaurant, but this place was pretty cool. There were bright pieces of random artwork on the walls and lots of plants dotted about. It had a nice, relaxed feel about the place.

  "Roulette wings?" A different waitress appeared, balancing a tray of food high in her hand. She was short and curvy, her tight black t-shirt not leaving much to the imagination. I had no idea what roulette wings were, but they looked awesome as she set them down on the table in front of Ed. She slid the food down in front of everyone and I noticed Jess giving me the side-eye when only chips were put in front of me. Thankfully, no one queried it.

  "We er, made an extra chicken burger by mistake. Did you want it?" The waitress winked at me, pulling her shoulders back and thrusting her chest out. I sure as hell wasn't going to turn down free food so I reached for the burger, smiling at her.

  "Thanks, darlin'." She nodded happily and trotted off, putting a little extra sway into her hips. This nice guy stuff had its advantages.

  "Ah mate, what a result! I've been here loads and I've never been given free food. She definitely wanted to get in your pants," the guy called Ed shouted down the table, so loud that I saw a few people nearby smother laughter behind their hands. I laughed, shrugging my shoulders and taking a huge bite of burger. Oh my fucking God, it was amazing. The chicken was juicy and rich and whatever relish they had going on in that bun was heavenly. I ate so slowly, savouring every bite,
so that by the time I moved onto my chips, everyone else had nearly finished.

  I suddenly had a pang of guilt. Ryan and Georgie would love one of these burgers. My heart was telling me to get the extra cash out and get them one each, but my head was telling me to be sensible and save the money. It was so frustrating, but I knew what the right thing to do was, even though it made me feel like shit.

  "Here's your takeaway order too," the flirty waitress reappeared, handing a bag over to Izzy.

  "Don't tell me you're still hungry, Iz. I am stuffed!" Jack stretched back and patted his stomach.

  "Well, you did have a full plate of wings, chips, garlic bread and corn on the cob, so that's no surprise." Jess rolled her eyes at him.

  "He's gotta keep his energy up, needs his stamina," Ed smirked, nudging him in the ribs. Jack frowned at him, glancing at Sophie and I saw her drop her head. There was some sort of drama there that I had no inclination at all to find out about. I had a feeling that my version of drama and Izzy's friends' versions were very different.

  It was soon time to head back and as before, I found myself walking alongside Izzy.

  "So, what did you think of your first trip to Nando's?"

  "The food was fucking incredible. Tasted even better 'cos it was free." I was struck with how much the whole experience hadn't sucked. OK, so I hadn't exactly gone out of my way to have a conversation with any of them, but it was nice to have some company at lunch for a change. And the food was awesome.

  "Thank you. For asking me to come. It was nice." Why did it feel so awkward to say thank you? Maybe because I still hardly knew this girl and she was going out of her way to be nice to me, which let's face it, I completely didn't deserve. I wasn't used to people doing that. And the only reason I'd even agreed to come was to try and make her like me enough to keep my secrets. I was a douche bag.