by Angela Mack
"Beautiful! You do favour the yellow flowers, don't you?" She laughed.
"It's my favourite colour and the guy said I could pick whatever I wanted." I turned from the back room, heading to the front of the shop and presenting the customer with his order.
"Cheers, love. This should get me out of the doghouse." He gave me a sheepish grin as he passed over a fifty-pound note, gently taking the bouquet and heading out the door. Mary came up behind me, resting her delicate fingers on my shoulders.
"Why don't you grab some lunch, dear? I have some new bridal magazines for us to flick through." I looked over my shoulder at her and nodded. We often spent our lunch breaks getting ideas for wedding flowers, Mary's main passion, and seeing what the latest trends were. Usually I brought lunch with me but after staying up late at Sophie's, I had woken up with exactly seven minutes to get ready before I had to run for the bus.
"Would you like anything?" I turned back to her before leaving the shop.
"No thank you, dear."
As I stepped outside into the crisp, fresh air, I saw Josh sitting on a nearby bench. He had his back to me, with his arms stretched out along the top of the bench and his face tipped up, the sunshine warming his face. It was almost October and although the breeze was turning bitterly cool, we were definitely getting more sunny days than usual for this time of year. I ran into Martins, grabbed a large cheese salad baguette and two cans of coke, then headed over to where Josh was sitting. He had his eyes closed so didn't see me approach. His Martins black polo top was stretched across his chest and upper arms, like most of the t-shirts he wore, and he was again in his signature black jeans and trainers. The way the sunlight fell on his face meant you could barely see the discolouration and bruising anymore. I felt my pulse quicken a little as I realised just how attractive he looked.
"Hey." I fell back on the bench next to him. He peeked one eye open.
"Hey." I opened the baguette and took a bite out the end.
"There is no way you're going to eat all that." He raised his eyebrow at me and I shrugged.
"When you gotta go back in?" I asked.
"'Bout ten minutes." We sat in silence for a little while, but it didn't feel uncomfortable.
"Your bruises have almost gone." Way to go and make it uncomfortable, Izzy. He frowned, not responding and grabbed a cereal bar out of his pocket.
"Tell me that's not all you're eating for lunch?" It was my turn to raise my eyebrows at him.
"Sorry, Mum," he mumbled around a mouthful.
"I'm sure your mum would agree with me that a cereal bar is not a sufficient lunch." Why was I using such a patronising voice all of a sudden? Urgh.
"Ha! Doubt that," he huffed and I tilted my head, not sure whether to voice the question on my tongue. "I haven't seen her for over a year. She doesn't care about me or what I am or am not eating for lunch." I grimaced. I should have just been content sitting in silence. I vaguely remembered Ryan saying something about their mum not being around, but I didn't realise he meant at all. I thought he had meant just for that night. I picked up the extra can of coke and held it out to him.
"Peace offering?"
"For what?" He asked cautiously.
"For annoying you yesterday."
"You didn't annoy me. Why would you have annoyed me?" He looked puzzled.
"I thought you might have been mad about me paying for your burger?" He shrugged.
"You don't need to keep buying me food, I eat when I'm hungry. But it was an awesome burger." There was a hint of a smile playing on his lips.
"I bet Georgie loved it." I was probably playing with fire, bringing up that I had also bought his brothers food again, but he didn't seem to mind. In fact, his face brightened instantly.
"You should have seen him when he took a bite out of one of those roulette wings," he chuckled.
"Oh no. He didn't get a super spicy one, did he?" He nodded and we both laughed.
"OK, well I better get back." I wrapped the remaining half of my baguette back in its packet, set it on the bench and jumped up. "See you Monday." I walked off before he had a chance to notice I'd left half my lunch next to him. I paused at the Buttercups doorway, turning to watch him. After a few seconds he went to stand and saw the baguette. He shook his head, his lips twitching. He went to walk away but after half a step, changed his mind, grabbed the discarded food and walked back into Martins.
Chapter 10
Joshua
“Come on guys, hurry up or you’re going to be late,” I called to Ryan and Georgie as I descended the stairs. If we didn’t leave in the next ten minutes then they would both be late for school and Georgie’s teacher, Mrs Abernathy, was already causing issues. She’d rang last week and left me a voicemail, asking if we could meet to discuss Georgie. She said she was concerned about how withdrawn he was at school and how he didn’t have any friends. She also said he was behind in most subjects compared to other kids his age. Of course, she thought she was leaving a voicemail on Big Mike’s phone, not mine.
When we first moved to this shitty neighbourhood and things with Big Mike started getting rough, the teachers at both our schools began to notice the difference in all three of us. Georgie especially had been a very happy, confident little boy and his sudden U-turn in behaviour was cause for concern. Although Ryan had always had a streak of rebelliousness in him, he grew even mouthier and more disruptive in school. The teachers would call Big Mike and most of the time I don’t think he answered, but occasionally I’d over-hear him telling one of them to fuck off. He’d then be in a foul mood and prone to a violent outburst. I’d cringe, holding my breath at school the next day, waiting for a teacher to say something to me. They were bound to make a comment about either his inappropriate phone manner, or the bruises on my arms I tried to keep hidden under my school shirt. One day my form tutor kept me behind in the morning and asked ‘if there was anything going on at home’ I wanted to tell him about. I knew then that we had to start keeping up appearances better.
I decided to steal Big Mike’s phone. It was risky but necessary. I could pretend to be our dad and try to placate the teachers' concerns. Big Mike had gone mental when he thought he’d lost his phone, turning our house upside down and even ripping a few doors off the kitchen cupboards in his rage. Eventually he calmed down, bought himself a new phone the next day and forgot all about it. Meanwhile, I kept his phone on silent in the den under the floorboard with all our other contraband. I checked it every night, listening to voicemails and either calling back the next day or using the computers at school to email replies instead (from a fake account in his name, of course). I preferred email but sometimes only a phone call would do the trick. So far, I’d avoided going in for a face to face, obviously that wasn’t going to work, by saying that ‘I’ worked long shifts. I’d call Mrs Abernathy at some point today and try to put her mind at ease.
It bothered me though, that Georgie didn’t have any friends. He used to always get invited to birthday parties and now that I thought about it, I couldn’t remember the last time he mentioned anyone at school he hung around with or when he didn’t spend all weekend with either me or Ryan. Actually, Ryan didn’t hang around with anyone else either. They either spent all their time together at home alone, with me watching movies, or we'd all go to the playground down the road with Ollie. That was about it. They both seemed their normal selves around me though, so it was hard for me to understand that they were so different at school. I was going to have to talk to them both about it at some point.
I breezed into the kitchen, intending on making the boys some toast to go, when I froze. Big Mike was sitting at the table reading the newspaper and eating some toast himself. As if it was the most ordinary thing in the world for him to be sitting there. He was never up this early. I heard Ryan and Georgie barrel down the stairs behind me until they both crashed into my back, unaware that I was glued to the spot. They peered out from behind me and I could hear Georgie's sharp intake of breath. Big Mike did
n’t react, as if we didn’t exist. Several moments of silence passed and then I felt Ryan start to inch forward. I glared at him, but he purposely stayed facing forward, ignoring me. I went to grab his arm but he shook me off. I watched as he squared his shoulders back and waltzed over to the table, heading for the loaf of bread next to Big Mike. What was left of it anyway. We had almost a full loaf yesterday and judging by the mountain of toast next to Big Mike’s paper and the slack in the packaging, we’d be lucky to have four slices left in there. Greedy shit.
As Ryan’s outstretched hand reached for the bread, Big Mike snapped his head up and grabbed his wrist. I took a step forward and Big Mike turned his glare to me, daring me to come forward. I could feel the anger starting to seep to the surface, my jaw tense and my fingers twitching.
“This is my food. Not yours. You don’t earn the money round here that puts food on this table. You’re not worthy enough to eat my food.” Big Mike spoke so low it was almost a growl and his eyes locked with Ryan’s in a fierce leer. That was his favourite insult to us all; we weren’t worthy of this, we weren’t worthy of that, we were worthless pieces of shit, blah, blah, blah.
“Don’t kid yourself, old man. Josh puts food on this table, not you.” A second ago, I thought Ryan was trembling with fear but by the look on his face, it was actually rage he was visibly shaking with. I was momentarily taken aback. I had taught Ryan and Georgie to never back-chat, to avoid confrontation with Big Mike at all costs, and whenever he was home, hide out in their room. I would deal with Big Mike and take the brunt of his mood swings, so that they didn’t have to. What Ryan was doing right now, was incredibly dangerous. And stupid.
Big Mike swung his gaze to me, narrowing his eyes as I took two more steps forward. Ryan was within my reach and Georgie had backed up further away, staying behind me.
“I pay the rent around here. I keep the roof over your heads. Whatever is under this roof is mine.” The rent was the only damn thing he did pay. And the amount of hours he worked, I knew he must have enough to cover the other bills too. But he never did. If I didn't pay them, he'd let the electricity get shut off and the water dry up. He didn't give a shit about us.
His eyes were wild, his pupils so big that if you asked me what colour eyes he had right now, I would have to say black. He flung Ryan’s wrist away with such force that he spun, colliding with me. I wrapped my arms around him to keep him from falling to the floor and when he went to lunge at Big Mike, I squeezed tighter.
“What the fuck, Josh...let me go!” I was holding him off his feet now and his legs were flailing. Big Mike had gone back to eating his toast and ignoring us. I turned around to Georgie.
“Out. Now.” I nodded to the front door and he scurried out.
“So you’re just going to let him eat all our food and talk to us like shit…” I dragged Ryan out the house as he yelled at me, his thrashes becoming more and more forceful. I lengthened my strides, marching down the street with him still locked in a bear-hug. Once he stopped flailing, I set him back down on the ground. As soon as his feet touched the floor, he spun around and faced me, his chin tipped up and his breathing laboured.
“You are lucky he didn’t clock you one round the face, you stupid shit. What the fuck were you thinking?” I was furious with him. Why the fuck did he think antagonising him was a good idea?
“Lucky? LUCKY?!” he was practically spitting at me. “Why didn’t you do something? That was your food that you paid for and you let him get away with it!”
“Do you think I wanted to do that? Don’t you think that I wanted to snatch the bread off the table, swipe his plate to the floor and punch him in his smug fucking face? Of course I fucking did! But have you missed what has been happening the past couple years, Ryan? I CAN’T FUCKING WIN! I cannot beat that miserable, fat shit. Don’t you remember me trying?” My chest was heaving with the effort of not punching something and expelling all the pent-up frustration sitting in my stomach, weighing me down.
“Have these bruises faded so fast that you’ve forgotten the last beating I took?!” I pointed to my face as Ryan’s eyes filled with angry tears.
“I HATE YOU! We could have beaten him. Just then. The two of us. We need to stand together and show him he can’t win against us.” His tears were flowing now, his fists balled and shaking. I laughed and shook my head.
“You are twelve years old, Ryan. You are less than half my size and definitely less than half my weight. Honestly, what advantage do you think you’d have given me back there?” He looked like I’d slapped him in the face.
“I can fight…” he muttered, looking down at his shoes.
“Can you? Can you really?” He avoided my eyes, not answering. “No. I didn’t think so. You know the plan, Ryan. I turn eighteen in three months. And then I am going to get us all out of that shithole and away from that prick.” He still wasn’t looking at me. I sighed, walking over to him and crouching down so that I was peering into his eyes.
“Ryan, look at me buddy.” I used my thumb and forefinger to turn his face until we made eye contact. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry that this is how our life has ended up. I’m sorry that I am not strong enough yet. I’ll keep training and maybe we won’t have to wait until I’m eighteen and I’ll be able to beat him instead. But until then mate, you need to lay low. I would...I couldn’t…” I took a deep shuddering breath, trying to keep it together. I looked around and saw Georgie, reaching out to him until he stepped into my embrace too.
“I could not stand my life without you two in it. Do you hear me? I need you to stay smart, stay strong and most importantly, stay alive.” I looked at my two brothers, forced to grow up so young. “I can’t do this without you.” I whispered the last sentence, leaning my forehead forward so that it touched both of theirs. A stray tear escaped from under my eyelid and I roughly palmed it away. They both nodded at me, but Ryan wouldn't meet my gaze any longer.
“OK. So, we are going to pick our battles, bide our time, and soon we will all be free.” I smiled at them both, trying to reassure them when we all knew it was a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep. We walked the rest of the way to school in silence, although Georgie did take my hand and let me hold it all the way to the entrance of his school. Usually Ryan and I walked him up to the front gates and then crossed the road together to enter Gilleford Secondary. However, as I turned towards St James’, Ryan turned in the other direction and walked off without saying goodbye to either of us.
“He just needs a little space right now, buddy,” I said to Georgie as I bobbed down, giving him a firmer hug than usual.
“I know. He’s angry with himself that he can’t help you more. He wishes he was bigger. Stronger.” He tried to smile at me but it looked more like a grimace.
“I need you to do me a favour today please, mate.” He looked up at me shyly as I tried to change the subject. “I need you to try and make some friends today. Say hello to some of the other kids or sit with them at lunch or something. Your teacher is starting to leave me messages again.” He sighed, his little shoulders sagging.
“Fine.” I was surprised he didn’t fight me on it more but then again, we’d had a long morning already. I gave him another quick hug and said goodbye, watching as he walked towards his classroom. His shoulders were stooped, his gait slow and his head down. It was heart-breaking to witness and I almost ran over to him and scooped him up. I desperately wanted to take him far away, where we could escape all the chaos. It wasn’t the right time yet, though.
As I headed towards school, I was struggling to keep a lid on my emotions. I could picture myself punching Big Mike in the face, over and over until his face was a bloody mess. He was the one that wasn’t worthy. He didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as us. But then my inner vision would switch to Big Mike hitting Ryan over and over, whilst I just stood there and watched. It was like a nightmare reel on repeat, alternating between blinding, furious hatred and paralysing fear.
“Woah, sorry mate,” a gu
y apologised after crashing into my shoulder, making me stumble. I had entered the common room, spying Ollie at the bench we’d grown accustomed to meeting at, when this prick rammed into me. I whirled round, watching the guy laughing with his mates as he walked away from me.
“Think that’s funny, do ya?” I snarled at him. The guy looked over his shoulder, frowning at me. “Don’t walk away from me, you prick.” He had been about to continue towards the doors but paused, turning around to face me.
“What’s your problem, Josh? I said sorry. You weren’t exactly watching where you were going.” He shrugged at me, turning away. I saw red, seething fury starting to leak into my veins. I sprang forward, grabbing the guy’s bag on his back, yanking him backwards and launching him behind me. His bag took most of the impact, but I saw his head snap back and rebound forward with the force of it. I threw my own backpack onto the floor next to him, jumping on top of him and sitting my full weight on his chest. His eyes grew wide as I pulled my fist back. I was about to connect with his cheekbone when someone came charging into me, knocking me off him. I sprawled on the floor, hastily sitting up, ready to jump into action and pounce on whoever had decided to join the fray. My rage instantly halted, replaced by confusion when the only person in the immediate vicinity was Izzy. I looked up at her from the floor.
“What the fuck are you playing at, Josh?!” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a girl angry before but boy, was Izzy pissed. I was rigid, my adrenaline still pumping but with nowhere appropriate to go. The other guy scrambled up and made a run for it with his mates.
“You were the one that came in here like a raging bull. If anything, you collided with Tom, not the other way around.” Well, at least I knew his name now. “Does it make you feel good?” I was puzzled by her question, unsure how to answer. She crept closer to me, towering over my prone form still on the floor.
“Does it make you feel good to pick on someone weaker than you? To start fights for no reason? Do you feel like a man now?” She was shouting at me, right in my face. She turned to leave, but something made her hesitate. She faced me again, this time crouching right down so her eyes were level with mine.
