I Am Unworthy

by Angela Mack

  “I am so disappointed in you,” she whispered, eyes shining. The bell rang and with that, she left. She didn’t look back once. Everyone else started filing out until the common room was almost empty. I hadn’t moved an inch.

  “Well fuck me, I wasn’t expecting that.” I looked over my shoulder and saw Ollie standing behind me, staring at the door after Izzy. “You know she just saved your arse, right?” I frowned at him. “If you had hit that kid, you’d have been expelled. And maybe even worse as you looked like a murderous, raving lunatic, if I'm honest.” I knew it had to be bad if not even my best mate was backing me up. Fuck.

  Chapter 11

  Isabel

  Shit, shit, shit. Why did I do that? Why did I do that? I was back to pacing in the girl's bathroom again, trying to keep it together.

  "Izzy! What the hell was that?" Sophie and Jess came ploughing through the doorway, Jess' face mirroring the shock that was reverberating through my bones.

  "I don't know…" I don't know how it happened. It was all a blur.

  "You literally shoved him off of someone." I don't know whether it was awe or surprise on Sophie's face.

  "I...it reminded me of all the times Ellie said something to me and everyone sat back and watched, not intervening, even though deep down they knew it was wrong." I don't know how I'd gotten up the courage to push Josh away from Tom. There was something about the scared look in Tom's eyes that triggered me. I didn't think. I just acted.

  "OK, but Josh is like, huge. You could have gotten hurt." Sophie came forward, touching my arm and peering into my face with concern.

  "I told you he wasn't a nice guy…" Jess folded her arms and shook her head.

  "Maybe you're right. But I don't think that's true," I disagreed, even though defending Josh was the last thing I wanted to do right now.

  "After what you just saw in there? How can you say that?" Jess gestured wildly at the door behind her.

  "That's not the real Josh. It's like he's putting on a mask or something." I shrugged, not sure how to explain it.

  "I didn't think you knew him that well…" Jess raised an eyebrow.

  "I don't. I don't know how to explain it, but I...I have this feeling…" Jess laughed at me and rolled her eyes.

  "More like you're blinded by his muscles…" Her comment irritated me, this was nothing to do with how Josh looked, but I wasn't going to start an argument with her. And she was right, I didn't know Josh that well to be coming up with any kind of conclusions. Plus, I was furious with him for acting like a complete dick back there.

  "Come on. We've missed the first fifteen minutes of class already, so why don't we head to the library and study for a little while instead?" Sophie tugged me gently towards the door and I nodded. There was no way I'd be able to pay attention in history anyway. As we left the bathroom and began walking down the corridor towards the library, Ollie came through one of the side entrances. He paused when he saw me, waiting whilst we moved closer towards him.

  "Hey Izzy. Have you got a sec?" I'd never spoken to Ollie Boon before. The general consensus was that he was a funny guy, but with one hell of a mean streak. Whenever someone was telling a tale about Josh getting into a fight, Ollie's name was never far from their lips either. Jess and Sophie both looked to me, soundlessly asking if I wanted them to stay.

  "I'll meet you guys in the library in a few minutes." They brushed past Ollie, Jess giving him a side-eyed scowl as she passed.

  "I er, just wanted to say thank you," Ollie said, whilst nervously rubbing his face.

  "Thank you?" I repeated, lacing my voice with distrust.

  "Yeah. If Josh had hit that kid, then he would have been expelled. So, thank you for stopping him."

  "I didn't do it for Josh. I did it for Tom." I crossed my arms. Preventing Josh from getting kicked out of sixth form hadn't exactly crossed my mind. Ollie nodded and turned to go.

  "Don't give up on him," Ollie twisted back towards me. "He hasn't, erm, got the easiest life. At home."

  "What do you mean?" I eyed him curiously as he stared back at me, searching my eyes as if he was trying to silently communicate something to me.

  "He has a lot on his shoulders. And I know he doesn't make it easy, but stick with him, yeah? He could use another friend." Ollie walked away before I could ask any further questions and I felt my anger towards Josh waning. Just as I'd start to think I should stay out of his way, something would make me change my mind. This was starting to become a habit.

  ◆◆◆

  "Hey! If it's not our very own Tyson Fury!" I didn't know who Ed was talking about, but given the fact that he was prancing around on the balls of his feet and swinging his fists, I'm guessing he was making a joke about the incident this morning. I rolled my eyes at him as we all gathered in the common room for lunch.

  "So, I have great news!" Jack announced, sitting forward. "I have officially passed my driving test!" He started waving his plastic photo card around. Ed high-fived him and Sophie beamed at him, a large grin stretched across her face. I didn't know what, but something had clearly changed between the two of them since last weekend.

  “And I have been invited to a house party Saturday night. It’s a guy from footie and he’s turning eighteen. He lives over in Brittlesford, which usually we would have to pay a fortune on a cab for, but I am graciously offering to be your designated driver. So, you all up for it?” Ed high-fived him again and they both swung their gazes to the three of us.

  “Are you sure we are invited too?” I asked. The last thing I wanted to do was gate-crash some random guy's eighteenth birthday.

  “Yup. I told Jeremy that I wanted to bring a few friends and he said the more, the merrier.” I couldn’t remember the last party I’d been to and I could feel the first inkling of excitement tingling.

  “Oh, and his dad is some kind of policeman. Although he’ll have the house to himself, he has made it very clear no drugs of any kind. Alcohol is fine, but nothing else.” We all frowned at him.

  “And er, why would you feel the need to tell us that? You know none of us do that shit!” Jess chastised him.

  “Oh, no I know. Just in case you wanted to tell your parents or something, might make ‘em feel better,” he shrugged. Good point, actually. My parents had been pretty slack about me seeing my friends, grateful I was going out again I suppose, but I hadn’t really tested that by going anywhere other than Jess's or Sophie’s houses.

  “Count me in,” I smiled as Sophie and Jess nodded their agreement too.

  “We’ll come over to yours to get ready, Iz, right Soph?” Jess’ smile was a tad too bright and she was looking very pointedly at Sophie, who looked ever so slightly confused.

  “Okkaaay…”

  “Great!” Jess had a glint in her eye that made me nervous.

  Chapter 12

  Joshua

  I stared at Big Mike’s phone in my hand, planning out in my head what I was going to say to Mrs Abernathy. I was going to play the ‘Mum walked out on us and he’s still trying to adjust’ card. It happened over a year ago, but it couldn’t hurt to remind her, try and drum up some sympathy. I was about to dial when the phone started ringing and ‘Gilleford Secondary’ started flashing on the screen. Shit. Someone must have grassed me up for the incident this morning. Although nothing much happened, thanks to Izzy, I was on very thin ice with Mr Tapps. He promised me that even though he’d allow me back to sixth form, if I so much as even swore at another student, I’d be out. I was so surprised he’d caved in the first place that I had hastily agreed. My grades were average, maybe even a little less so, and I had no ambition or clear career trajectory. I had a feeling that the number of students wanting to stay on for sixth form were lower than expected, and so that was the real reason why he’d agreed to it.

  “Hello?” I answered, making my voice a little lower but trying not to overdo it.

  “Mr Bugg?”

  “Yes?”

  “This is Mr Tapps, Head Teacher of Gilleford Secondar
y School. I’m afraid we have had a bit of a situation with your son this morning.” This was going to be a pain in the arse to deal with.

  “I’m sure Joshua didn’t…”

  “Oh, my apologies, Mr Bugg. I meant your other son, Ryan.” What. The. Fuck? “Mr Bugg? Are you still there?”

  “Sorry, yes. What happened?”

  “I’d prefer to talk about this face to face, if you are able to come by the school?”

  “There is no way my, er, boss is going to let me leave after I have only been here a few hours. I have another six hours to go on my shift…” I was scrambling for excuses. I was so not prepared for this conversation.

  “I see…” I could hear the disapproval in his voice.

  “I’m on my break now though, so why don’t we talk it through on the phone and then I will send Josh down to your office afterwards?” Please, please, I prayed.

  “That is a little unorthodox, but I know how hard you work, Mr Bugg, so yes, let’s come to some kind of arrangement.”

  After a fifteen-minute conversation to which I spent the entire time wishing the ground would swallow me whole, I learned that Ryan had been in a fight. He had attacked another student and had given him a black eye.

  “You understand from our previous discussions, Mr Bugg, that Ryan is not exactly a model student. He is rather disruptive and his blatant disrespect for authority has caused us no end of issues. However, this is his first offence of violence. I also understand that Ryan was provoked by the other student, an inappropriate comment of some sort. As such, I have explained to the other student’s parents about your, er, situation, and we have agreed that a one-week suspension is appropriate.” A fucking whole week at home? By himself? Fuck.

  “I do hope you agree that this is rather lenient of me but understand that should something of this magnitude happen again, Ryan will be expelled.”

  “Yes, Mr Tapps. Thank you very much for your generosity.” Urgh. Kissing up to this jackass left an incredibly sour taste on my tongue.

  “If you could arrange Josh coming to collect Ryan from my office and escorting him off the premises as soon as possible, please, that would be most appreciated.” Is it possible to sense someone’s smugness coming through a phone?

  “I will call him straight away. Thanks again for your understanding.” I hung up before he could change his mind. This was 100% my fault. I could just predict how the conversation with Ryan was going to go; You said I didn’t have any experience fighting, so I got some…

  I started heading to Mr Tapps’ office when I saw Ollie rounding the corner.

  “Hey mate. I need a really big favour. Like, a huge one.” Ollie grinned at me.

  “Don’t tell me the great Joshua Bugg is actually asking his mate for help?” He smacked his cheeks with the palm of his hands, pulling his face into an over-the-top shocked expression.

  “Yeah, yeah, I know. Listen, Ryan has been suspended for a week.”

  “What the fuck for?” he reeled back in alarm.

  “Punched some kid in the face. Gave him a black eye.” Ollie gave a long, low whistle.

  “Surprised Tappsy didn’t expel him.”

  “Yeah, you and me both. Anyway, Big Mike was at home this morning and er, things didn’t exactly go well…” I could see Ollie’s eyes cloud over instantly, his whole body tensing as it always did whenever I mentioned Big Mike. “...I don’t want to send Ryan home in case Big Mike’s still there. You know how unpredictable he can be, but Ryan has to leave school property straight away. Can I take him to yours for the day instead?” I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do for the rest of the week, but that was a problem for tomorrow.

  “Of course, mate. No problemo. Mum’s working at the shop most of the day, so won’t even be in. I’ll shoot her a text now to let her know though. We keep a spare key in the little frog statue on the doorstep. Lift it up, it has a false bottom.”

  “You’re a life-saver, mate, thanks.”

  “What you going to do about the rest of the week though?”

  “I honestly don’t know.”

  “OK, I have a great idea.” Ollie looked too pleased with himself for me to like wherever this was going. “Mum’s working most of the week and she loves you and your brothers anyway, so it won’t be an issue. Send him over to mine every morning.”

  “OK. And what’s the catch?” Ollie clutched his chest, feigning some kind of heart attack.

  “I am appalled, dear friend, that you would think I would want something in return.”

  “Yeah, yeah, get on with it,” I laughed at him.

  “OK so you know Mum’s new fella, Detective Pole-shoved-up-his-arse-so-high-I-can-see-it-when-he-speaks?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. Tracy had been seeing a local policeman the past few months and Ollie was none too impressed with him. I nodded for him to continue.

  “Well, turns out it’s getting pretty serious. Mum says I need to make more of an effort.” He rolled his eyes. “He has a kid of his own and he’s got some kind of house party Saturday night. I promised Mum I would go and now, my man, you are going to accompany me.” I groaned. I hated parties. Just a load of people I didn’t talk to getting drunk, or high, or both, and making fools of themselves.

  “Why would you promise her that?” Ollie hated parties as much as I did. Especially because the last one we went to, we got chucked out of for, yes you guessed it, starting a fight. Although in my defence, Ollie was the one caught with his tongue down the throat of some guy’s girlfriend.

  “As much as I don’t like the guy, this is the first time I’ve seen her happy in a long time.” Ollie looked serious for a moment, staring at something far off behind me. “Plus, it’s going to be filled with drunk girls, my favourite,” he quickly switched back to his usual light-hearted self. I sighed.

  “Fine. I don’t have a choice anyway, do I?”

  “Nope.”

  “Thought as much. Right, I better get going before Tappsy gets the arse-ache with me for taking my time.” I held my hand out to Ollie before I left and he grasped it tight, whilst I slapped him on the back. “Thanks though, mate. Seriously. I didn’t like the idea of Ryan at home all on his own all week.”

  “Don’t mention it.” God, I was lucky to have him in my life right now.

  ◆◆◆

  “But why do I have to stay at Ollie’s all week? Why can’t I stay at home and watch films all day or something?” Ryan was getting on my last nerve. He had indeed spun me a bullshit line about trying to get some fighting experience, and when some kid had shouted an obscenity at him about our mum, he had fully taken advantage of the situation. I already felt guilty as hell without him rubbing my nose in it.

  “Because I do not want you at home all day by yourself all week. We have no idea what shifts Big Mike’s working or when he’ll be home, and I’ll be worried sick the whole time.”

  “But you leave us at home on our own when you’re working.” I ground my teeth.

  “And you know I hate doing that. But I have no other choice. This, I have a choice with. Actually, if you want, you can start going to Ollie’s every day after school too until I get back from work?” I was bluffing and we both knew it. There was no way I’d put that kind of burden on Ollie or Tracy; they didn’t have a pot to piss in either. But that didn’t stop Ryan from glaring at me as we neared Ollie’s house. Not only did I escort him out of school, but I was going to walk him all the way to Ollie’s myself. With how temperamental he was being lately, there was no way I trusted him to go there alone.

  “Look. You can take a bunch of DVDs over to Ollie’s and watch them there. And you can catch up on your homework while you’re at it.” He rolled his eyes at me and we both knew there was no chance of him doing that.

  “If you don’t go over to Ollie’s, then I am going to have to stay home with you all week too. Then Tappsy is going to expel me for skipping so many classes and then…”

  “OK, OK, OK. I’ll go over to bloody Ollie’s house.” He
balled his hands into fists as he trudged along next to me. We reached Ollie’s and I retrieved the key from the stupid, little frog statue and let us in. His house was two streets over from ours and almost a mirror image. Same layout, same number of rooms. Only difference was, Tracy actually gave a shit about her son and the conditions he lived in. She kept it clean and tidy with a few homey touches, and although to most people it still looked like a shithole, to me, it looked heavenly. I was actually a little jealous that Ryan would be spending his time here; a much better alternative to school or home. He dumped his bag on the floor in the living room and slouched into the sofa, switching on the TV. I grabbed the remote from him, switching the TV off again and taking a seat next to him.

  “Make sure you clean up after yourself, don’t leave a mess for Tracy to clean up when she gets back. Try not to eat any of their food, you’ve got your own,” I gestured to the bag of food we’d bought from Martins on the way past. I also wanted to stop by and personally thank Tracy for helping us out before I dropped Ryan off. Ryan didn’t respond.

  “Hey.” I shifted closer to him, nudging his leg with my thigh. He reluctantly looked over to me.

  “You know I love you, right?” He looked momentarily stunned by my admission. With the exception of this morning’s little display, I did not show my emotions much (unless it was rage or anger, of course). But I felt like both Georgie and Ryan were slowly slipping away from me. I was doing everything I knew how to, yet they were both malnourished, withdrawn or disruptive, and failing in school. I was failing as a parent miserably.

  “I just want to keep you safe. It’s my job to keep you safe and I promise, soon we’ll be looking back on this part of our life and laughing. We’ll have it so good that this will be a distant memory." I smiled at him as I ruffled his hair. Surprisingly, he shuffled closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, snuggling into me. I squeezed him.