I Am Unworthy

by Angela Mack

  But now I couldn’t go. After the initial excitement wore off and I started asking for more details, the more I realised that there was no way I could go. First, Big Mike had disappeared for over a week now, ever since I'd broken his nose. He hadn’t come home once. As much as I’d like to think I’d scared him off for good, I knew he was only biding his time, waiting to get his own back. And the concert was in London and didn’t start ‘til 7 p.m. According to Izzy, the doors would open at 6.30 p.m., but some kind of support act goes on first. The main band wouldn’t come on 'til around 8.30 p.m. That means we aren’t going to be home ‘til about midnight and there is no way I can leave Ryan and Georgie on their own for half the day. Second, I’d have to change my shift around at work and finish early; something we couldn’t afford to do. And thirdly, and most importantly, how the hell was I going to afford to go in the first place? The train ticket, the food and drink...it was all going to mount up. I’d spend a whole week’s worth of wages in one night. Izzy has been yammering on about it almost every day and now I was going to have to let her down. Shit.

  As I walked down the corridor alongside the library, I peeked in through the window and saw Izzy sitting at a nearby table. She was sitting with Jack, just Jack, and I immediately felt a pang of jealousy. I knew from Izzy that he and Sophie had some kind of thing going on, but that didn’t make me feel any better. God, she was pretty. No, so much more than pretty. She was gorgeous. She had her head tilted to the side as she poured over some kind of textbook, pen perched between her lips as she read. She had a notebook, highlighters and post-it notes spread out all around her, taking up over half the table. Her long hair was pulled around to one side, curving around her neck and flowing down her shoulder. Jack leaned closer to her and she laughed at something he said. Jealousy reared its ugly head again and my feet picked up their pace of their own accord. As soon as I was a metre or so away from her, intense nausea kicked in and I slowed right down. I did not want to do this. I didn’t want to let her down.

  “Izzy? Can we talk a moment?” I whispered, gesturing at a nearby table. I knew she had a free period today and would be studying in the library. I thought that if I told her in here, she wouldn’t be able to react too extreme and make a scene, she’d have to stay quiet. It was pathetic and cowardly, yes, but I couldn’t stand the idea of making her cry. She nodded at me and stood, following me over to a table near the back.

  “What’s up?” she smiled.

  “Erm...it’s about Saturday…” Immediately her face fell and I could see the disappointment shining through already. Fuck, this was going to be hard.

  “I didn’t realise but my, er, dad is working the night shift. I can’t leave Georgie and Ryan on their own for hours whilst I’m at the concert with you.” I had practiced the lie I don’t know how many times, but it still left a sour taste as soon as the words left my mouth.

  “Oh.” She started picking her nails and dropped her head, watching her fingers fidget.

  “I’m sorry, I really do want to go, I even changed my shift at work and everything…” Another lie. But I wanted her to know that I did genuinely want to go. She was quiet and as the minutes ticked past, I contemplated getting up and leaving, not sure if she wanted to be around me right now.

  “What if your brothers stayed over mine?” She looked up at me hopefully and I reared back in surprise.

  “Huh? What do you mean?”

  “Bring ‘em over with you on Saturday. Mum and Dad won’t mind. They can have dinner over ours and stay the night in the spare room. You’d have to stay on the sofa bed in Mum’s office most likely, but you could all totally stay the night…” she was talking in an excited whisper, smiling at me reassuringly.

  “I’m not sure…”

  “Honestly, it’s no problem! Then you can still come!” She was beaming at me now.

  “To be honest, Iz, I’m not sure how I’m going to afford the train and…”

  “Oh, don’t worry about that. Mum and Dad gave me some money for the day too, as part of my birthday gift, so they’re paying. They thought I’d be taking Sophie or Jess and they still gave me the money, so it’s honestly nothing to do with you or anything.”

  “And you’re sure your parents don’t mind that you’re taking me or that my brothers are going to stay over?” I could feel myself caving. Resistance was futile.

  “Yup. I’m sure. I’ll text you later tonight to confirm, but I know it won’t be a problem.”

  “Well, er, great! Guess I can come after all…”

  ◆◆◆

  “So, tell me again why we are all dressed up and going over your girlfriend’s house for a sleepover?” Ryan scowled at me as we got off the bus, tugging at his collar. It was only a polo top for Christ’s sake, but you’d think he was wearing a shirt and tie the way he was complaining.

  “For the tenth time, she’s not my girlfriend. And you know you can’t stay at home on your own all night. What if Big Mike comes back? He is going to be in such a shitty mood, and I can’t risk you being there on your own.”

  “Right. And why are we in our best clothes?” ‘Best’ wasn’t exactly the right word for dark jeans, polo tops and trainers but they were the nicest things we had. I’d bought Ryan and Georgie’s tops especially for today, only wincing a little when I handed over the cash in the charity shop.

  “We need to make a good impression. It’s a bit of a risk staying over there and we need to make sure we don't look like…”

  “We’re living in a shit hole with an abusive, dickhead of a father,” he interrupted me.

  “Exactly.”

  “If it’s so risky, why are we going? Why couldn’t we stay over Ollie’s instead?”

  “I told you. Ollie’s mum is dating a detective and he is over there all the time. We definitely can’t risk him asking too many questions.”

  “Well, you shouldn’t have bloody agreed to go tonight in the first place then.” Before I could bite out my retort, Georgie jumped in.

  “Ryan, shut up, will you? Josh hardly ever goes out and you know it. He always stays home with us. Leave him alone. He deserves a night out with Izzy. I’m looking forward to seeing her,” he beamed.

  “Thanks buddy,” I smiled as I ruffled his hair. I looked over at Ryan and stuck my tongue out at him. Completely childish, yes, but it made him laugh. Well, he rolled his eyes at the same time, but still.

  “Woah…” Ryan looked up at the house in front of us. “Is this it?” It wasn’t anywhere near as big as the mansion that Jeremy and his detective dad lived in, but it was still pretty damn nice. The street was so pretty that it wouldn’t look out of place on the front of a postcard. The houses looked new and neat, with trimmed hedges and pretty flower beds out front.

  “Is that a playground?” Georgie asked, pointing down the road. It certainly didn’t look anything like the crappy, run-down one near us. I nodded, took a deep breath, and rang the doorbell.

  Izzy had assured me that her parents didn’t have an issue with my brothers coming over. But it was fucking weird and I knew it. Who brings their little brothers with them on a first date? Wait, this was a date, right? I mean, it was dinner and a gig. That counted as a date, yeah? Or did it not count if she asked me and not the other way around? I didn’t have a chance to think about it any further as the front door opened.

  “Hi. You must be Josh, Georgie and Ryan.” The lady smiling widely at us was definitely Izzy’s mum. You could tell they were related a mile off. They had the same colour hair (I’d finally settled on calling it mahogany), same green eyes and same welcoming smile. Izzy had a few more freckles sprinkled over her nose and Izzy’s mum’s hair was short, just above the shoulder, but they looked very similar otherwise.

  “Hi. Nice to meet you.” Ryan sniggered at me as I held my hand out by way of greeting. He was loving how awkward I felt.

  “I’m Sammy. Come in, come in.” She stepped back and pulled the door open for us. OK, so although the house wasn’t as big as Jeremy’s
, it was definitely as stylish. If not more so. The walls were painted in a soft grey, with hardwood flooring that had tinges of grey and beige throughout. We followed Sammy down the hallway and into an open plan lounge-diner.

  “Oh my God!” Georgie ran over to the huge TV mounted on the wall. It must have been at least a sixty-inch screen. There was a long, narrow TV stand underneath that was stuffed to the brim with DVDs.

  “My husband and Izzy are really into their movies,” Sammy laughed as she watched Georgie crouch down and run his fingers along the DVD cases. “You can watch whatever you want tonight whilst Josh and Izzy are at the concert.” Georgie almost fell backwards as his mouth gaped open, and even Ryan headed over, both of them rummaging through and selecting their favourites. I stood uncomfortably in the middle of the room, not sure what to do.

  “Izzy will be down in a few minutes, she’s just finishing getting ready. Would you all like a drink? We’ve got pineapple juice, diet coke, hot chocolate...whatever you like.” Sammy walked through an archway at the back of the room into a sleek, dark grey kitchen. The cupboards were so shiny I could literally see my face reflected in them.

  “Pineapple juice, please.”

  “Hot chocolate!”

  “Diet coke, please.” Sammy laughed as all three of us reeled off completely different drinks. My brothers’ eyes snapped to mine, widening. We had lived off of water or very weak squash for so many years now that I could practically see them salivating from here. And I was embarrassed to admit that I was too. Even when Big Mike’s business had been going well, he and Mum had never paid attention to the drinks (or food) we liked. Mum always bought squash, wine and beer when she went shopping and rarely anything else. Maybe some tea bags too, if we were lucky.

  Sammy started filling up the kettle and I reached for the glasses she had retrieved from one of the higher cupboards.

  “Let me help you," I smiled tightly at her. I was so out of my comfort zone right now.

  “Thank you, Josh.” They had a huge double fridge at the end of the kitchen, also in matching dark grey, with one of those water and ice dispensers built into the front of it. I filled my glass with a little ice and then opened the door to grab the juice and coke. Holy shit. This thing was jam-packed with food. Fresh fruit and vegetables were spilling out of the bottom drawer, the other shelves packed with fresh pasta, yoghurts, a whole chicken, lamb cutlets, a salmon side, bottles of milk, cheese, ham, and on and on.

  “Everything OK, Josh?” Sammy called over her shoulder, concern flitting across her features briefly.

  “Er, yeah, sorry.” I’d been staring at the inside of the fridge, motionless, like a complete idiot. I finished making our drinks and handed Ryan his juice, whilst Sammy handed Georgie a hot chocolate, complete with whipped cream and marshmallows on top. She winked at him as Georgie giggled at her.

  “So, what do you boys fancy for dinner tonight?” A man came through the backdoor, wiping his hands on a cloth as he strolled straight over to Sammy to give her a kiss on the cheek. He was in loose, black trousers that had a ton of pockets, a tight black t-shirt and work boots. He was taller than me by an inch or two and looked like he worked out a lot. He’d probably be able to give Big Mike a run for his money. Maybe.

  “Charlie. Izzy’s dad,” he held his hand out and gripped mine tight.

  “Hi. Josh. Izzy’s, er, friend.” He laughed at my hesitation.

  “Good answer,” he teased. “So, any preferences for food tonight?” Charlie walked over to Georgie and Ryan, shaking both their hands too and waiting for an answer.

  “Er, no. We aren’t fussy eaters,” Ryan replied quietly.

  “Chicken enchiladas OK then?”

  “What’s an en, an enchillyda?” Georgie asked.

  “An enchilada is a tortilla filled with chicken, peppers and mushrooms and then baked in the oven, smothered in cheese and spicy tomato sauce. Well, that’s how I make them anyway.”

  “That sounds awesome!” Georgie squealed.

  “Great. Enchiladas it is then. I’m going to go get cleaned up and then I’ll make a start.” I watched Charlie leave the room and turned back to Sammy, who I noticed was watching me as she sipped her tea.

  “What does, er, Charlie do?” I asked, fumbling through an attempt at trying to make conversation.

  “He has his own construction business. He does restoration and renovation work mainly. Old cottages, listed buildings, stuff like that.” Sammy smiled kindly and there was something about her that instantly made me feel at ease. I could feel myself relax a little.

  “Hey! Sorry, it took a bit longer to get ready than I thought,” Izzy breezed into the room and gave me a little wave as she headed straight for Georgie. To his utter delight, she swooped down and gave him a big squeeze, arms wrapping around him.

  “Hey buddy,” she smiled, ruffling his hair.

  “Hi Izzy! You have so many movies! I’m going to watch them all tonight,” he beamed and Ryan rolled his eyes. Izzy nodded at him in greeting and then started looking through the small tower of DVDs Georgie had piled up next to him. She knew Ryan hadn't quite warmed up to her as much Georgie yet.

  “Well, I’m not sure you’ll have time for all these, but you should definitely watch...this one...this one...and this one.” She pulled three DVDs out and put them on top of the pile.

  “Black Panther, The Greatest Showman and Instant Family…” Georgie read the titles and nodded approvingly.

  “You ready to go?” Izzy straightened and looked at me. Jeez, she looked incredible. She was squeezed into tight, black skinny jeans, with black converse and a sleeveless black vest with 'Nickelback' across the chest in white font. Her eyes had some darker makeup on than usual and her hair was a little wavy. Not full on curls like at the party last month, just a slight wave.

  “You look...amazing…” I took a step towards her but hesitated, conscious that Izzy’s mum was watching. Not that I would have done anything anyway. We’d only had that one kiss, which I’d kind of been a bit of a dick about anyway, and we never normally greeted each other with anything other than a ‘hello.’ But for some reason, I wanted to do more tonight.

  “Thanks,” she blushed. She grabbed a leather jacket from a nearby cupboard and slung a bag over her shoulder.

  “Text me and let me know when you get to the O2 or I’ll worry, OK? And don’t forget to let me know what time you’ll be at the train station afterwards so I can come get you. You are definitely not getting the bus back from there that late.” Sammy hugged Izzy goodbye after making her promise to follow her instructions.

  “Have a great time. Call us if you need anything,” Charlie called after Izzy as she headed towards the front door. I was rooted to the spot, staring at Ryan and Georgie. Was I actually going to leave them in a complete stranger’s house? Whilst I trusted Izzy, I didn’t know her parents at all. Charlie’s size was a good thing if he ever came up against Big Mike, which obviously he wouldn’t, but actually he could do some real damage to my brothers if he chose to. I pulled them both into a huddle quickly.

  “You have your phones on you?” I whispered and they nodded. “Good. Call me or text me if you have any issues and I’ll come straight back, OK?” Georgie looked a little nervous at my questions.

  “Josh, we’ll be fine. They look harmless.” Ryan rolled his eyes and I flicked my gaze over my shoulders, seeing Charlie and Sammy standing together, looking at us quizzically.

  “Josh, they’ll be fine, I promise. My parents will stuff them full of food and probably drive them crazy, but they will be well looked after. Promise," Izzy interrupted, lacing her fingers through mine before tugging me towards the door. Georgie followed and gave us a quick hug and a wave, before running back over to his DVD tower. Izzy dragged me out of the house, locking the door behind her.

  “You sure your parents don’t mind them being over?” I asked again, still feeling uncertain about leaving them.

  “Positive.”

  “OK then. Let’s go,” I
exhaled a long breath, unsure what was in store for the rest of the night.

  Chapter 21

  Isabel

  It was lame how happy I was right now. I'd thought that Josh was going to end up cancelling, especially as he tried to back out the other day. It was a bit pathetic how I’d convinced him to bring his brothers over to stay at mine whilst we went out. I mean, desperate much? I wouldn’t have blamed Josh if he thought I was a complete lunatic, but he surprised me by agreeing. Yes, I’d had to basically kidnap him to get him to leave the house, but hey, he was here now. Somewhere in the back of my mind, it registered how scared Josh looked to leave his brothers, but I didn’t pluck at that train of thought. I was too excited for the concert.

  “So, we have about an hour and a half before we need to go in. Where would you like to go to eat?” I asked him as we ambled through the O2 arena; the second largest indoor music venue in the UK. We had chatted easily on the bus and then the train here, but he’d been quiet ever since we entered the arena. He was looking all around him, head swivelling from one side to the other as he took it in.

  “Josh?” I prompted after no response.

  “Oh, huh? Sorry. This place is incredible!”

  “Where do you want to go for food?” I repeated, trying to hide a laugh. He looked like a kid in a toy store, eyes wide with awe.

  “I don’t mind. Oh, actually, ever since your dad mentioned enchiladas, I’m kinda craving Mexican?” He phrased it as a question, asking for my permission. “But this is your birthday present, so you should pick,” he rushed.

  “I love Mexican food too. Come on, we’ll go to Alejandro’s.” I grabbed his hand and gently steered him in the right direction. This was the second time I’d held his hand today and I was thrilled again when he didn’t pull away. I had done it back at home without even thinking, but this time was more premeditated. We’d developed an easy friendship the past few weeks and I didn’t want to ruin that, but I knew deep down that I wanted more. I hadn't admitted it even to myself in the beginning, but ever since we'd kissed at Jeremy's birthday party, my feelings for Josh had grown. The longer we were friends, the more I yearned to get out of the friend zone. And the more risks I took, like asking him out on a date and holding his hand. In all the movies and all the books I’d read, the guy always made the first move. I’d thought at first that Josh wasn’t interested in being more than friends. Hell, maybe I was right and he didn’t think this was a date at all. I was the one who’d asked him, after all. But after speaking with Jess and Sophie last weekend, they had encouraged me to be brave and make a move myself. So that’s what I was planning on doing tonight at some point. Make my move.