by Rachel Kane
So it was surprising when Thaddeus came around the counter and put his hands on Alex’s shoulders.
“Whatever you’re doing right now, boy, you need to stop. Do you get me? All this resistance. Life is too damned short and too damned hard to put up these little obstacles.”
Alex shook his head slowly. “But what about you, I’ve never seen you with anyone. Are you putting up obstacles?”
Thaddeus glanced away. “Some hearts stay broken. Some loves don’t work out. But you and I are not in the same position, and I am telling you, whatever foolish fight you’ve had, put it behind you.”
“I wonder if you’d say that, if you knew who I was talking about.”
“Hon, I don’t care if you’re dating Reverend Pete, I’m telling you, embrace the moment.”
“Well, it’s not Reverend Pete, that’s for sure. But it’s Judah Cooper.”
At that, Thaddeus let go of Alex’s shoulders and stood back up. He looked into Alex’s eyes, then walked away, only to turn back and look at him again, his hand straying towards the paper on the counter. “Judah Cooper.”
“I think you’re wrong about him. You said he was a liar, but I’ve never met a more honest man.”
Thaddeus removed his flask again, and took a long pull of the gin. He returned it to his pocket, them removed his handkerchief, patting it against his forehead. “Baby boy, you have badly misunderstood me.”
“There are only so many ways to interpret the phrase…what did you call him, an absolutely deceitful liar?”
“There are men who lie to other men. Then there are men who lie to themselves. It’s hard to say which one is more damaging. Mr. Cooper is a man lying to himself.”
“I mean, he’s not in the closet or something. Lying to himself? You don’t know him.”
Thaddeus cocked his head to the side. “Don’t I? Haven’t I met every man in the Cooper family for the past four generations? Every grandfather and cousin and son? Haven’t I spoken to Judah and his brother innumerable times since their arrival to our fair town? I know a liar when I see one, Alex Roth. What you may not know—and I’m not the kind to kiss and tell—is that Judah’s father was also a liar. A different kind. A man who lied to everyone around him. I wonder what that does to a son? Even if the son is not aware of it. Even if the son thinks he’s doing fine. I am telling you, Judah Cooper is in hiding from his true nature.”
“He knows he’s gay,” Alex said with a growing frustration, this sense that they were dancing around some important point that Thaddeus simply wouldn’t get to.
“I am not talking about his proclivities. I am talking about his sense of self. I am talking about the way he retreats behind his brother and that strapping handyman. He is living in hiding, like a man haunted by a secret. Except I think there is no secret. I think he believes he is less of a man than he really is. A man who would give up everything on that wild dream of rehabilitating Cooper’s Folly? It’s at odds with his shy and retiring personality. There is something about that boy, Alex, and if you can find it and draw it out, perhaps he could be honest with himself for once.”
If you can find it and draw it out.
Well, there was no chance of that now, was there? Alex had blown his chance. The first guy he’d ever met in Superbia that he really clicked with, the first connection he’d ever felt here, and something that made the whole experience with Ian pale in comparison…and he’d wrecked it.
“I’m moving,” Alex said.
“The way you youngsters change the subject is mind-boggling. It’s all that time you spend on your phones.”
“I mean, there won’t be time for me to help him be honest, because I’m getting out of here. Your sister has made my life unlivable, and anyway I can’t face the idea of seeing Judah around town, there’s too much guilt for that, so I’m just… I’m packing it in.”
Thaddeus picked the paper up off the counter, unfolded it, and looked down at it. He reached into another pocket of his jacket and removed a pair of small tortoiseshell reading glasses, and read the paper for a moment. “Tell you what. Read this. Enjoy the fruits of my research, at your leisure. Then think again if you’re sure you want to leave.”
He passed the paper back to Alex, who reluctantly took it.
His eyebrows rose.
He looked from the words, up to Thaddeus. “Is this—”
“Absolutely true. Every word.”
“And Judah doesn’t know?”
“Oh, hon, nobody knows. You think this town would survive, if this were common knowledge? But you see, you need to talk to that boy, one more time, if only to show him this.”
“It changes everything.” At the same time, it changed nothing, not the thing that mattered, not the damage he’d done to Judah.
“Consider it a parting gift, for your journey far from us. Because lord knows, once you pass this on, you won’t be welcome back here again.”
32
Judah
“I’m not going,” Judah said.
Noah and Liam both looked at him. Noah went back to rummaging in his closet, while Liam said, “Yes, you’re going. Remember how you asked for our help getting Alex back?”
He shook his head. “No. I don’t remember that at all. I hate ties. I hate social gatherings. I hate books.”
Noah laughed, and emerged from the closet with a selection of ties. “How can you not store these things correctly? I picked out each one just for you! Now hold still while I see which one looks best.”
“Someone needs to stay here and watch the place,” said Judah. “What if one of our guests needs a towel?”
“Bray can handle that,” said Liam. “I offered him time and a half for working tonight.”
“But it’s a book-reading, and neither of you even like books.” Judah was getting desperate. As much as he wanted to see Alex, he was scared. How does a conversation work when you feel like this? He couldn’t just listen, because he had so much to say, but he couldn’t problem-solve either, because that was against the rules, and besides, Alex was leaving, going away forever, and so wouldn’t it make more sense for Judah to stay in his bedroom the rest of his life, and never come out, until he became a ghost, accompanying the Old Widder Woman through her explorations of the halls at midnight?
While Noah worked on his collar, Liam stood behind Judah, clasping his shoulders. Leaning in to whisper into his ear, he said, “It’s going to be fine. Trust me on this. We wouldn’t put you through this, if we didn’t think things would work out.”
“I don’t trust any relationship that doesn’t have at least one dramatic moment,” said Noah, flipping the ends of the tie around in a way that looked random to Judah, but which resulted in a tidy-looking knot. “There. You’re halfway presentable. Liam, we’re going to need hair products. Can you go to my bathroom and get…well, no, I can’t trust you, you’ll come back with entirely the wrong thing. Watch him while I get the stuff. Don’t let him run away.”
“I don’t even see why a tie is necessary,” said Judah, getting his finger in between the collar and his throat to give himself some desperately-needed breathing room. “Alex doesn’t care if I wear a tie.”
“We’re all going in suits. We’re fancy now,” said Liam. “Would you hold still?”
“What if he’s not interested?” asked Judah. “I mean, we were just friends. What if he decided he didn’t want any more than that? What if—”
“Do you want me to call him right now and ask, or do you want to do this like a normal person and talk to him yourself? Because damn it, Judah, for someone who likes to fix problems, you’re putting up a whole lot of resistance to fixing this one.”
Because I don’t know if I can.
Because I’m a broken system and sometimes no matter how much coding you do, the project’s busted and there’s no way forward.
Because he’d rather leave for a new town than stay with me.
He swallowed. “I’m scared, Liam.”
Just then, Noah retu
rned with the styling products. “Prepare yourselves,” he said, “for the most important gel-work of our careers.”
The bookstore was bustling. The door was propped open, and Xander’s van was parked out front, the logo for Superbia Springs displayed prominently on the side. The cooks and waitstaff were bringing in trays to set down on smooth white tablecloths. Mason was busy with the lighting, making sure there was subtle light for the tables, and a brighter light for the reading later. Noah was helping with decorations, while Liam carried around a clipboard and criticized what needed to be criticized.
Judah himself had no jobs assigned.
Alex wasn’t here.
It felt like while all the dishes and tablecloths were being brought in, all the oxygen was being stolen away, because his breaths were shallow and rushed. It made him feel a little dizzy. Where was Alex? He had expected to talk to him right away, to get things over with before the signing, to know for sure, one way or another, how things were going to go between them. Maybe that was a vain hope. Maybe there wouldn’t be any answers tonight.
Sure there will be. If he won’t talk to you, that’ll tell you something certain.
He walked outside, and around the back of the building, looking up at the door at the top of the stairs. Surely Alex would not be there. Yet he’d stayed there last night, and made his way up and down without Judah’s help, hadn’t he?
His leather soles made scratching sounds against the corrugated metal stairs, but he tried to approach quietly. No need to come clamoring up.
Why are you sneaking?
Because emotionally, this was a dungeon, and he was an adventurer with nothing but a torch and a sword. Who knows what dangers lurked at the top of those stairs? There could be dragons, or beholders, or…
…or Alex.
He found his steps growing even quieter. This was how it had been the first night he’d explored the basement. A sense of awe tempered by peril, potential catastrophe just around the corner. When he reached the landing, he hardly dared touch the door.
Be brave, mighty warrior.
Okay, but I’ve never thought of myself as a warrior. More like a wizard or cleric, really, possibly a druid—
Just get in there!
He knocked, and after a pause, knocked again.
It was a strange relief that accompanied the silence, the lack of response. He wouldn’t have to say scary things to Alex after all. Not yet. Maybe downstairs, where he could have Noah and Liam by his side. Later. After a couple of drinks.
He knocked one more time, just to be sure no one was there.
Downstairs, the first visitors had begun to arrive, and they were mingling rather than shopping. Judah found this very odd. If they were readers, why weren’t they looking at books? Some of them were from Superbia, some even guests of Superbia Springs, but others were clearly from out of town, just here for the evening, for the brush with celebrity.
He looked around for Alex, or Ian, or anyone in charge of the event, and the fact that none of them were around made him even more nervous. He tugged Liam’s sleeve. “Where is everybody?”
Liam tapped the Bluetooth earpiece that looked a little like a Frankenstein bolt on the side of his head. “I just spoke to Ian. They’re on their way. Alex apparently had an emergency errand. Listen, you can set up a projector, can’t you?”
Judah stood straighter. “I was president of our AV team in high school.”
“They’re asking for an LCD projector and a screen. I don’t know where we’re going to find a screen at the last minute—”
“Tablecloth, clearly,” said Judah. “They’re big and white and very smooth now that they’re ironed.”
“And the projector?”
“In my room back at the house. Remember when I was trying to play my games on the walls? Give me ten minutes.”
It took fifteen, and he was out of breath by the time he got back to The Unfinished Chapter, as though he had been running rather than driving. Alex still wasn’t there, but the guests had found the open bar, and so no one seemed too worried that the reading hadn’t started yet. Noah helped set up a tablecloth at the end of the store, hanging it straight down as a backdrop, and Judah got the projector adjusted.
When Alex finally arrived, he looked like a different man.
A man in pain.
There was something going on with his face, a tightening, a withdrawing, and every step seemed to make him wince, even with the crutches.
Judah immediately wanted to help…but stopped, when he saw Ian’s arm holding him up.
Ian’s arm.
Not Judah’s.
Liam nudged him. “There he is.”
“I see him,” whispered Judah. “But…but…”
But something was wrong. Alex scanned the room, and when he spotted Judah he gave him a weak wave. Judah waved back, a question in his eyes that perhaps Alex did not see, as the bookseller turned his attention back to Ian.
The whole room had noticed Ian’s arrival, and had begun an excited murmur. Here was their brush with fame.
I want to talk to you! Judah tried to send his thoughts over to Alex through a series of expressions and eyebrow raises, but now Alex’s attention was on the people around him.
“Hi everyone,” Alex said. “If you’d like to find a seat, we’ll be starting our reading in just a moment.”
But first, an expression of love for my friend Judah. That would’ve been nicely dramatic. That would’ve been great.
He doesn’t like you. He has changed his mind. He’s leaving and never coming back.
“Oh hell, look who it is,” whispered Noah, nudging Judah and Liam. They all looked toward the door.
There was Violet Mulgrew, looking dissatisfied as ever, as though someone had asked her to come walk through burning coals. She picked her way through the chairs, until she took a seat near the front, clasping her purse in her hands like she worried someone might snatch it.
“Why is she here?” muttered Liam.
“She’s going to cause trouble,” said Noah. “We know that.”
“I’m going to talk to her,” said Judah.
“Whoa!” said both Liam and Noah in a loud whisper, and both men grabbed Judah’s arms, pulling him back.
“She can’t kick Alex out. She can’t. Even if he doesn’t like me anymore, I’ve got to help him, I’ve got to—”
“You’ll only make things worse,” said Liam. “Stick with the plan.”
“We don’t have a plan. Our plan is that I go up to Alex and talk. How is that a plan? There’s only one step!”
“What’s wrong with him?” asked Noah. “He looks…weird.”
“He’s in pain,” said Judah. “God knows where Ian and Bastian took him, but they didn’t take good care of him. They probably didn’t keep him from going up stairs, or make sure he took his ibuprofen, or—”
“Now,” said Alex from the front of the room, “I have a very special introduction to make. In the world of mystery, everyone knows the name Ian Grant, and soon the entire world will know Inspector Kestrel. Ian has already written a series of bestselling novels, and now they are going to be adapted to television, bringing his characters and his wit to the entire world.”
His wit? Why don’t you just blow the guy right here? Judah thought grumpily. God, was Alex angling to get back together with Ian, with those compliments?
He had to calm himself down. If he needed to, he’d just walk out, right now, into the night air. Catch his breath. He couldn’t stand here in his stupid tie, hands clasped behind his back, representing Superbia Springs, while this charade went on. Didn’t Alex see he was breaking his heart? Couldn’t Alex see Judah was in pain, too?
Yet it was hard to feel too resentful, because Alex was so clearly hurting. No one else in the room seemed to notice the way Alex gripped the podium to hold himself up. He was being brave and strong—and bull-headedly self-reliant as always—but Judah knew how temporary that strength was, in its battle with pain.
/> Nobody was taking care of Alex.
Someone needed to.
And it has to be you, because nobody in this room feels the way you do about him. Nobody loves him like you do.
“Stop saying love,” he muttered, and both Noah and Liam glanced at him. Liam squeezed his arm.
“It’ll be okay, bud. I promise.”
“Now, without further ado,” said Alex, “I present Ian Grant!”
33
Alex
He’d felt such relief when he saw Judah was here, but he dared not show it. One wrong move and he was going to dissolve into tears.
It was too much, it really was. Nothing was stopping the pain…in his leg, or his heart. All he could hope was that what he planned tonight would be enough for Judah to understand how he felt.
Maybe he’ll even come with you after this, he thought. That was possible. You never wanted to give up hope. Judah would make the perfect bookstore boyfriend wherever they went.
From his seat in the folding chair behind the podium, Alex glanced around the room. Everyone was very intent on Ian’s reading. They were eating up every word. Nearly everyone. Bastian, there in the front row, had the same disgruntled look on his face he’d had the entire afternoon. What a strangely angry supermodel.
“But the Inspector noted right away the thread dangling from her hat,” read Ian. “It was small and pink and frayed at the end. He filed this information away for later, and swaggered back to the visiting aristocrats. Duke, he said, I think I know where your jewels are.”
Alex knew where his Judah was. He was back there, past the catering tables, standing slightly behind Noah and Liam, as though he were hiding. The pain on his face was as bad as Alex’s own, but just like Alex, he was trying to be brave.
I’m so sorry I hurt you. Give me five minutes when this is over, okay? But Judah wasn’t making eye contact, his face was downcast, his gaze down at the floor.
