by Rachel Kane
So much guilt and shame over everything. But this had to work. It had to. Thaddeus had given him a gift. A way back from the mistakes—all the mistakes—Alex had made.
But this reading was going to go on forever. God, didn’t Ian ever get tired of the sound of his own voice? He drew energy from the adoration of the crowd, and his voice swooped dramatically as Inspector Kestrel solved the case of the missing jewels.
At last he reached the end: “Then, before the Inspector could reach his car, the Duchess cried out: Someone has killed the Duke!”
Ian paused, and the crowd began to clap and cheer. Even Bastian perked up, tapping his hands together lightly.
Alex knew his moment was arriving.
He was scared. Terrified, really, because what he was about to do might—might—get Judah back, but it might also backfire in the most horrible way possible.
“Now, a few words from our host this evening, the owner of this fine establishment, Mr. Alex Roth. Alex?” Ian gestured toward the podium.
The moment of truth.
If only he didn’t hurt so much. In front of all these people, he didn’t want to seem to struggle with his crutches, so he put on his bravest face and stood up, forcing himself not to react to the dire pain shooting up his leg.
He was doing this for Judah. He could take pain, if it had a good purpose.
The podium gave him something to hold, but he noticed his palms were wet. Was it nerves, or the agony in his leg, or both?
“Thank you to everyone who came out tonight. The Unfinished Chapter has been a local feature of Superbia’s downtown, and it’s always good to see new faces here. I hope you’ll enjoy the wine, and take a moment to browse. It’s the best selection of books you’ll find in the whole county.”
Appreciative murmurs from the crowd, but he knew he had limited time with them; they’d come for the reading, and now it was time for book signings and wine and cheese and not listening to Alex.
“Before we start the signing, though, I’d like to talk a little bit more about Superbia. I see a lot of visitors here, and you may not realize what a rich and spectacular history this town has.”
Laying it on a little thick, but he could see he’d gotten Violet’s rapt attention, staring at him the way a hawk stares at a tasty mouse.
He glanced over, and realized Judah was finally looking at him. Did he dare wink? Would it look stupid if he did?
He tried it.
Judah’s eyes widened.
That’s right, my friend. This is about you. If I’m going to go down in flames, I’m at least going to help you on my way down.
“Like many small towns,” he continued, “Superbia is a study in contrasts. You’ll find friends here that last a lifetime…and bitter enemies who will never stop coming for you.”
That got the crowd to settle down. They were all listening now.
“A friend brought me an interesting puzzle, and I thought I’d share it with you. I promise to be brief. Bastian?”
Bastian plugged Alex’s phone into the projector, and brought up the first photo. The lions suddenly appeared on the screen behind Alex.
Judah audibly gasped and stepped forward.
Violet gasped as well.
“These beautiful beasts are Art Deco masterpieces, forged in Paris by a company called Atelier Lambert-Thibault in 1924. They are lions, but the strangest lions I have ever seen. Lions from some steampunk future where cars can fly and robots walk the earth. They’re gorgeous.”
“Where did you see those?” cried Violet.
“Ah, a question from the audience. These are to be found at Superbia Springs, which I know many of you are staying at currently. An architectural masterpiece, much like the lions themselves.”
He glanced at Judah. He had the man’s full attention, and gave him a smile.
“Those do not belong to Superbia Springs!” said Violet, rising from her seat. “Those lions belong at Mulgrew Mansions. They were purchased by my great-uncle Rupert Mulgrew to decorate our home!” She spun towards Liam and Judah. “You are thieves! Thieves and perverts!”
Well, that certainly got the room worked up. People do love a fight. For the most part, these folks weren’t from Superbia. They hadn’t sat in on the endless town council meetings where Violet laid down the law. Her screeching didn’t mean as much to them. She couldn’t threaten them.
And you’re already trying to evict me, so you can’t threaten me anymore either.
“Bastian, if you’ll move to the next picture? Ah, thank you. What you see here is a handwritten letter, dated August 8, 1925. A letter to Silas Cooper from Rupert Mulgrew. The handwriting is beautifully old-fashioned, isn’t it? There’s some spirit of the age in those looping letters drawn from an iron-nibbed pen. But what I would draw your attention to is this paragraph in the middle. Bastian, could you zoom in just a bit? Here it is. I’ll read it to any of you who can’t see it: But dear Silas, this is a paltry gift. I wonder even now if my family will complain that I have given you the lions. I have my own complaint, that I would rather have given you my heart, my tongue, my body. I suppose this gift of the lions will have to do. I picture them as our spiritual protectors, keeping the heathens of this town at bay while you make Superbia Springs a vision for the world.”
“Lies!” shouted Violet.
“Settle down, lady,” said someone from the back.
“You may be wondering why I’m bringing this up,” Alex said, looking straight at Judah. Could he even say the words he had planned next? Would they make a difference? Judah was standing there as though hypnotized, his hands hanging loose beside him but his fingers slightly moving as though at any moment he would have to take hold of something—a shelf, a brother’s hand—to stay upright. It was too early to tell yet whether that expression would turn into a smile, but there was something about how it looked now, that pre-expression, that moment when his look could have turned into anything, that Alex valued far more than he would have predicted. Because in this moment, for the first time, he felt hope. So he dared. He pushed his tale a little further.
“It’s because I made a promise to a friend. A promise that I’d find out about these lions, that I’d try to find a historical reason that they belong on display. I don’t know if this counts. Maybe a secret gay affair carried on by two of our town’s founders doesn’t make them historically important enough to bring them out of storage. But I had to try.”
Now that changed Judah’s face, and Alex’s heart fluttered at the sight. Judah had taken another step forward, away from Liam and Noah, both of whom were looking at the screen with some sort of confusion—clearly they hadn’t expected the topic of the lions to come up tonight of all nights. But Judah’s attention was divided between the screen and Alex, and his mouth seemed to move in subtle ways, as though a word was on his lips that he was not yet confident enough to say. A word that Alex was dying to hear.
But it wasn’t Judah’s voice he heard.
“I cannot believe you would try to drag the Mulgrew name through the mud!” Violet said. “After all I’ve done for you and your brother! After all I’ve done for this town, for you to accuse my ancestor of such…such…”
Alex cleared his throat. “Not just your ancestor. I’d also mention that your brother-in-law Thaddeus had an affair with Rod Cooper. That’s before we get to the men your own son has dated—”
“Enough! I won’t have this slander!”
“For someone who is so sickeningly homophobic, Violet, you’re really surrounded by a lot of gay men in your family.”
That did it. He had pushed, and he had pushed, and finally had pushed her too far, exactly as he had hoped.
She rushed the stage, swinging her purse, muttering obscenities that no one had ever heard out of this good and proper church-going woman.
Alex would’ve had a dented skull from that purse, had Ian and Bastian not stepped in, taking her by the arms and escorting her out.
“I’ll see you destroyed for this!�
�� she shouted. “This store is over! You are out of business as of this moment!”
“Well,” said Alex. “That was more dramatic than expected. But, you heard her ladies and gentlemen. Consider tonight my going out of business sale. Browse, have some champagne, and be sure to have a book signed by Ian Grant! Thank you all for coming!”
He was on the verge of collapse. He’d managed to keep talking through the pain, but at a certain point—perhaps from flinching when Violet had flown at him—he had set the broken foot down, put weight on it, possibly even twisted it, and felt a lightning-bolt of agony shooting through him. But through it all he had kept a smile on his face, because what was happening right now was more important than pain.
There was just one more thing he needed to do. He picked up his crutches and tried to maneuver through the milling, noisy crowd, to reach Judah.
Step-click, step-click. The room had gotten wobbly. The crowd seemed more numerous than they could possibly be. Everyone tall like trees, impossible to slip past, especially with the crutches. But he had to reach Judah. He had to. Just a few more steps, just—
When he slipped, some part of him accepted it. He would fall, and the pain would cause him to black out, and at least then he would have some kind of cessation of these excruciating messages his foot was sending him, these SOS demands that flared and throbbed through his entire leg. Except, what a failure, to fall, to pass out, without having said the one other thing he meant to say. And what an embarrassment, self-reliant Alex, the man who could always stand on his own two feet (three if you subtracted the cast but counted the crutches), falling in front of all these guests, now with no one to work the cash register, no one to help with the books on this, the final night of his store, falling, falling—
Two strong arms caught him, and it was like being lifted by a gale from a storm, hard and fast and instant, like being hit by a car, like dropping a box on your foot—
“We have to stop meeting like this,” said Judah, adjusting his grip on Alex’s flanks.
“I love you,” Alex said.
“Let’s get you somewhere safe.”
“Did you hear…?”
Judah looked at him then. “Of course I did. I love you too. Did I really need to say it? I think I’ve loved you since the first time I walked into this bookstore. But we have to get you settled down.”
“Carry me anywhere, big boy,” breathed Alex, leaning back into Judah’s arms.
34
Judah
Doing a little dance of delight is probably a bad idea, when the man you love is about to pass out from pain in your arms. There’s always the risk you’ll drop him. So Judah kept a slow and steady gait to the little office at the back of the store, ignoring the questions from all the people around him. He even forced the goofy smile off his face, made his lips be still, when there was so much he wanted to say. It could wait until he got the door closed…and locked.
When Alex was safely seated, his leg propped carefully on the desk, Judah sat on the edge of the desk next to him.
“I hope that wasn’t too dramatic,” Alex said.
“It saves me an enormous amount of work,” said Judah. “I came here to tell you I love you, and that I wasn’t interested in going slow, and… Well, I was also going to tell you not to leave.”
Alex gestured toward the door. “I think Violet made that choice for me.”
A sigh. “She does have that habit. Or did. I guess that’s it for her. She has no power over any of us anymore. Her big secret is revealed.”
Alex rubbed his temples, a look of exhaustion on his brow. “I don’t understand how a woman like that functions. Everyone in her family is gay, why can’t she just accept it? Why does she have to try to sabotage everyone?”
“She’s done. No more sabotage. And better yet, I don’t think Liam can argue about the lions anymore. Did you see out there, people were asking him about them, where they were, did he have them in the gallery. Now he’ll have to bring them out.”
Alex grinned and closed his eyes. Judah leaned over and kissed him on the forehead.
“Do you need to sleep?”
“Me?” said Alex. “Never. I do think I’ll need a pill, though. Maybe two. I’m dying here.”
“Should I—”
“If you’re about to ask if you should leave me alone, the answer is absolutely not.”
Their fingers entwined then, Alex giving Judah’s hand a squeeze.
For the first time since he’d arrived in Superbia, Judah felt at home. Not at the great mansion he now co-owned, nor even among the books in the store. But right here, alone in a room with Alex, their hands touching. That was home. That was where he was meant to be. Anything else was just decoration.
“But speaking of leaving…you’re taking up Ian on his offer. I guess now you have to.”
Alex slowly inclined his head in agreement. “I do. I want to. I think I do. Oh, I don’t know, Judah, maybe it’s a mistake, because Ian is all the bad things I’ve said about him. He really is. A control freak, everything. But what choices do I have?”
Of course that started Judah’s wheels turning, and he forced them to stop. Feelings. Listening. Not fixing.
“How does that feel?” he asked.
“Oh, now you’re a therapist,” said Alex. “I don’t know how it feels. Will you go with me? It’d feel a lot better having you by my side.”
Judah blanched. He could feel the blood leaving his face. He had thought of this exact offer, had imagined it being made, and no answer presented itself.
“I don’t know how to say no to that…but I also don’t know how to leave Superbia Springs. Liam really does need all of us…”
Alex nodded. “I know. It’s a lot to ask. Especially right now. Forget it, we can talk about it later. Instead, let me tell you how much I love you. How gay is that?”
“That’s pretty gay.”
“So gay. I’m sorry I kept trying to slow things down.”
“What? You were being sensible. I totally get that.”
“I wasn’t being sensible, I was being scared. I don’t… I don’t want to rely on people. I don’t want to have someone else become my entire world. But this feeling…”
“I don’t want to take up your entire world,” said Judah. “And I don’t want to control everything. And I can stop helping. I really can. I don’t have to fix everything. It’s just…well, you have a broken foot. You require a lot of help.”
Alex gestured around the little office. “I require a lot of help in a lot of areas. I just hate it.”
“So tell me when I’m going too far, and I’ll listen, how about that? And when I know you need help, and don’t want to accept it, I’ll tell you you’re being ridiculous. Deal?”
Alex squeezed his hand again. “Deal. God, we’re so delightfully rational. Listen to us. You’d never know we literally took our clothes off right there on the floor.”
“I mean, we could do it again, if you needed proof.”
A weak laugh. “I wish I could, but I think the pain is going to kill me.”
“Why don’t I run upstairs and get your pills?”
But before Judah could approach the door, they heard a soft knock.
“Probably Liam checking on us,” said Judah.
When he opened it, though, it wasn’t Liam.
It was Bastian, his eyes red-rimmed, his chiseled jaw set in determination.
“Alex, can we talk?”
Bastian was a hard man to be around. He had one of those magazine faces, far too lean, his features like razors, absolutely unattainable by mortals. If Judah had dieted for enough years to have cheekbones like those, he wouldn't have looked like a supermodel; he would've looked like the mugshot of some 90-pound redneck caught making meth in a trailer. The aura of perfection sizzled around Bastian, made him almost too big for the small room. He turned to Judah. "If you could give me a moment with Alex..."
Judah nodded, as though someone like him could ever say no to so
meone like Bastian, someone with murder in his eyes like this. There was, however, no escape from the room, because Alex's grip tightened on his hand, and when he turned with a question in his eyes, Alex said, "Judah stays."
Bastian shook his head, his perfect locks not straying. "It's private. It's important."
"I don't mind," said Judah.
"I do," said Alex. Then to Bastian: "Go ahead."
The model considered for a moment, studying their linked hands, studying the determination on Alex's face—a determination that shone out greater than the pain, greater than the exhaustion. Alex looked like he could work steadily for another sixteen hours, with a face like that, but Judah could tell what that was costing him. Then Bastian deflated slightly, looking more human than he had this entire visit.
Judah couldn't help but notice when Bastian locked the door behind him.
"I can't do this anymore," Bastian whispered.
Alex caught Judah's glance. "Can't do which thing?"
"Any of it. Ian. The manipulation. The lies."
Just outside, in the main part of the store, people were lining up to have books signed by Ian, ready to have him write something witty or profound on the title pages, his quick scrawl elevating these mass-market paperbacks into A Signed Copy.
"At first I thought he still had feelings for you," Bastian said. "I was jealous. Horribly so. These walks we've been taking, so much of them were Ian trying to calm me down. How dare he, I'd say. How dare he bring me to this town, how dare he parade me in front of this man he still loved."
Alex's face reddened and he opened his mouth as though to protest, but Bastian was raising a hand to request silence.
"No," said Bastian. "No, I know. It took a while to understand. He didn't want you back in a relationship. He wanted you back in his web. There are things you don't know, Alex. Things you need to know."
Alex's hand tightened still further in Judah's, and Judah felt the absurd urge to put himself between Alex and Bastian, to protect him from whatever was coming next, what revelation that had the model so worried that small faint lines were marring the perfection of his brow. Some part of his mind had idly wondered if Bastian had Botox to keep his expression so still, so tranquil, as though nothing on earth were worth reacting to, certainly nothing in a town like Superbia. Yet now an emotion played over his features, an emotion Judah could not possibly read, but which sparked a fear, a fear and this protectiveness, this need to become an impenetrable wall for Alex, who had already suffered enough.
