by Lily Light
“You’ve watched Crash Landing on You ten times.”
“Ten? Nah, maybe six or seven.”
I waved him away and stared fixedly at the TV. Part of me wished he’d get the message and just leave me the hell alone.
He mostly left me to brood over the past few days. No such luck tonight. Jordan took the armchair next to the sofa. He reached for the remote and turned my show off.
“Hey.” I protested. “What the hell, man? I’m trying to relax here. Early meeting tomorrow.”
Maybe if I tell him how busy I was, he’d get the message. The last thing I wanted to do was have a heart-to-heart chat with Jordan.
“If you have to wake up early tomorrow, then you should stop drinking all your sorrows away. You’ll have a hangover.”
“I don’t have any sorrows. I’m cool as a cucumber,” I said with a glower. “And you know I could handle my drink.”
“God. I forgot how annoying you get when you’re drunk and sad.” Jordan leveled his stare at me. “What really happened between Ryan and you?”
“I’ve told you a hundred times, I didn’t hurt him. It was a mutual break-up. His words.”
Jordan chuckled softly. “More like he shattered your heart. Am I wrong?”
“He didn’t shatter anything.” I protested.
I was the one who initiated the break-up but at that time, I thought baring my heart was the right thing to do. I simply told Ryan the truth. I didn’t want to keep up the charade anymore because there was no need to.
Too bad he didn’t seem to feel strongly about me, which was a bummer. I truly thought we could make things work between us.
“Look at you. I never imagined seeing calm and confident Noah Collins in this sad state.”
Jordan took out his phone. A flash went off. A growl, an actual growl, rumbled from my chest.
“What the fuck was that?” I demanded.
“I need your picture. I’m signing you up for this matchmaking app Ian and I have been using.”
The nerve of this guy. Then again, I could tell Jordan did genuinely care about me. He never brought up the stupid bet we made in Vegas.
Maybe he finally realized that I had genuine feelings for Ryan. Jordan wasn’t going to stop me from pursuing Ryan again if I wanted. Too bad I had no energy for a chase. I simply just wanted to wallow.
“You mean the latest app you’ve been using to find hook-ups?” I asked drily.
Couldn’t Jordan understand I didn’t want to be with other guys?
“Besides, I won’t cheat on Ryan. We’re still married, in case you didn’t know.” I reminded him.
I thumbed the wedding band on my ring finger. I haven’t had the heart to take it off. I wondered if Ryan had slipped his ring off.
Was he dating other guys? Unwarranted jealousy hit me in the gut as I pictured him having coffee with Parker in that overpriced cafe. I gritted my teeth.
“Fine, but if you are really over him, why don’t you send him the divorce papers?” Jordan suggested.
I stared daggers at Jordan. I couldn’t remember the last time I wanted to punch him in the face so badly.
“You still think I’m not good enough for your little bro, huh?” I asked bitterly.
I knew Jordan didn’t tell anyone that Ryan and I were having problems. People would probably have figured it out anyway because we weren’t posting any new pictures on social media.
“I think you two blockheads are perfect for each other,” he said in a deadpan voice.
“What?” I never expected Jordan to take my side.
He’d been fighting Ryan and me on this relationship, kept insisting it wasn’t real from the beginning.
In a way, he was right but I wasn’t about to tell him the truth. Maybe Ryan and I did start out as strangers who wanted to play a practical joke on Ryan’s ex, our friends and family.
We weren’t strangers anymore. We did everything in reverse. Got hitched first, then started dating and getting to know each other.
“Yeah, you two can’t see it, but you guys are alike in some ways. One, you’re both stubborn and annoying,” Jordan said. He held two fingers out. I groaned again. How many points was he going to make? “Two, neither of you could admit both of you were at fault.”
“You don’t even know the reason we fought,” I said with a glower.
“Then tell me.” Jordan coaxed.
Hell no. I might be half-drunk but I wasn’t letting Jordan in on Ryan and my secret.
“We’re just taking a break from each other. That’s all.” I sounded confident enough but I started to chew on Jordan’s advice about getting a divorce earlier.
Jordan was right. There was no reason Ryan and I should remain legally bound to each other.
“This is my first break-up,” I told him. “I didn’t expect it to hurt so much.”
A look of sympathy crossed Jordan’s face. He stood up, awkwardly patted my shoulder.
“I know, bud. Hang in there. Now that I finally understand you’re as miserable as Ryan, I get it.”
As Jordan began to walk towards the bathroom, I called out his name again.
“He’s miserable?” I asked. I sounded hopeful, which made me seem like a bastard.
“Yeah. By the way? Both of you are idiots.”
I retched in the toilet seat, glad my aim wasn’t off. Jordan was right. I had a massive hangover this morning, just in time for our team meeting. I didn’t get up right away.
My head was still spinning. I shut my eyes, counted silently to ten in my head. When I didn’t feel the urge to vomit again, I left the stall, only to find Stuart standing by the sinks.
He gave me a once-over. “Rough night?”
“You can say that.”
I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was a damn mess. My skin was a sickly and pale color. I had dark shadows under my eyes and my suit was rumpled.
“I have some aspirin,” he offered. “Need some?”
“Thanks, Stuart.”
We returned to our desks. I downed the pills Stuart handed me with some water. I still had a headache but my stomach was less queasy.
I was fifty percent certain I wouldn’t vomit on anyone at the meeting. I took my seat at the conference table but my mind was elsewhere.
“Noah, you have the Linden reports?” Asked my boss, Mike Donovan.
“Yep, here you go,” I said, sliding the folder over.
I didn’t pay attention to the discussion. Stuart eagerly wrote notes so I might just ask him for a copy later on.
The meeting dragged on until lunchtime. All I could think about was my conversation with Jordan the night before. Why wasn’t Ryan and moving towards a divorce?
It seemed like a logical choice, given Ryan indicated he didn’t feel the same way as I did. Seven days had passed since I moved my stuff out of his place. I guess I was still holding onto the hope that he’d somehow reach out to me over the past few days.
Maybe he’d ask if we could talk things out. I realized I wanted to hear Ryan admit that it wasn’t just a simple arrangement between us. He said he was still sorting his emotions out. I wondered what he meant by those words.
What did I know about falling in love? Next to nothing. I wasn’t much of an expert when it came to this subject.
I wondered if the emotions I was feeling were somehow fabricated but I knew it wasn’t. I watched plenty of cheesy rom-com Korean dramas with Ryan. If I was inserted into one of those shows, I’d be the mopey guy who couldn’t figure out how to win his lover back.
The character in those dramas didn’t give up easily. He’d do everything in his power to win his lover back. He’d chase her to the ends of the earth if that was what it took.
I was willing to go the extra mile for Ryan. ‘D do whatever it took to make him see that I was the right guy for him.
However, I was beginning to wonder if I was holding onto something that had never been real in the first place.
By not divorcing Ryan, I wa
s also keeping him to myself. A decent guy would let go of the one he loved. Ryan could pursue other prospects.
Picturing Ryan with any other guy but me, only made me insanely jealous. Depression sunk inside me like a heavy stone.
“Hey, Noah? Meeting’s over. The guys and I are heading to Justine’s for lunch,” Brandon said, interrupting my train of thoughts.
I looked around the conference room. Mike Donovan had left. The room had emptied save for Brandon and myself. Stuart and the other guys were probably outside the room. I made up my mind.
I wasn’t going to be the obsessed and stalkerish anti-hero who refused to acknowledge the truth that he never stood a chance in the first place.
“Sorry, man. I got to run an errand.”
“Well, take it easy, man. You look exhausted,” Brandon said.
I sat there in the empty room for a few moments, before picking up my documents. I dropped them by my desk, then grabbed my coat.
With a heavy heart, I took the subway to Jimmy Marshall’s office. Jimmy was a high school buddy of mine. We weren’t extremely close, but somehow, we kept in touch on social media over the years. Jimmy was also an ace divorce attorney.
I stood there, staring at the building which housed Jimmy’s firm. Sweat dripped down my back. I knew if I didn’t go through with this now, I’d never find the courage to go through with this. But I couldn’t keep Ryan legally married to me forever.
Filling a divorce petition was the first step to setting him free. Ryan would probably be relieved to see the documents on his doorstep after I dropped them off.
Taking a few deep breaths, I entered the building. On the 25th floor, Jimmy’s secretary led me inside his office.
Jimmy looked surprised to see me. “Collins, it’s been ages. What can I do for you man?”
I squared my shoulders. I didn’t need to make this process complicated. It was simple. Standard procedure. Thousands of people got divorced every day.
“Hey, Jimmy. Thanks for seeing me. I need your help,” I began.
17
Ryan
I knew I should boot up my laptop and get to work but I couldn’t stop looking at the photo of Noah my brother sent me.
Noah was slumped on the couch, beer in one hand, and the TV remote in the other. He was only in his boxers. Noah looked awful, like he hadn’t slept well in days. His hair was untidy and his eyes looked distant. I wanted to give him a hug or kiss.
Hell, I could imagine sliding into his lap and resting my palms on his bare and warm chest. This was all my fault. When Noah told me he didn’t want to continue our fake marriage, I panicked.
I didn’t think about the next words that came out of my mouth. I’ve come to regret that decision. If I possessed the power to turn back time, I would’ve done things differently.
I would’ve told Noah the truth. That was I scared to jump off that proverbial cliff with him and take our relationship to the next level. I glanced at Jordan’s accompanying message.
Jordan: He’s watching that favorite show of yours for the tenth time. He’s awful and broody. Can’t you take him off my hands?
Ryan: Best friends are supposed to be supportive.
Jordan: All he’s doing is mooning over you. He doesn’t do anything but go to work, then mope when he comes back. He mopes all the time. Give me back my fun best friend.
I didn’t answer my brother. I wanted to fix this but I didn’t know how to go about it. I couldn’t just march up to my brother’s apartment and ask Noah if we could talk.
What would I say? Sorry, Noah, I’ve been a dick but I’m really into you?
It wasn’t that easy. Noah had every right to tell me to fuck off and I didn’t think I’d be able to take the blow of his rejection. I was selfish, but I didn’t know what to do.
Another text notification appeared on my screen. This was from my mom. It didn’t take long for our friends and family to figure out Noah and I were having problems.
None of us posted any new pictures. It also looked like Noah had sworn off social media for the time being. I was doing the same. The rest of the world needed to bug off. Our problems were private.
Maybe a phone call would be easier than a face-to-face conversation. I scrolled to his name but my finger hovered on the call button.
I took a deep breath. This was a lot harder than I thought. Why couldn’t I do this simple task?
I missed Noah so damn much. His voice, the way he casually draped his big body over mine in bed during mornings. The wicked smile he flashed right after coming home. His familiar scent. His laundry accidentally mixed in with mine.
My phone buzzed and I answered it.
“Morning, bestie.”
I groaned, hearing Ian’s voice. I was almost hoping it was Noah but then again, why would he call me?
“Hey,” I said.
“You sound disappointed. Expecting to hear from someone else?”
When I didn’t answer him right away, it was Ian’s turn to sigh.
“Ryan, it’s been a week. I hate seeing you like this. Both Noah and you aren’t happy being apart.”
“I tried calling him but I couldn’t,” I admitted.
I also told Ian about the picture of Noah my brother sent me.
“He’s watching Korean dramas because he’s probably missing you. Go talk to him, Ryan,” he said.
There was a knock on my front door. I ignored it because it might just be someone trying to sell me something. It probably wasn’t anything important. I set my phone down. I put it on loudspeaker and made myself my first cup of morning coffee.
“I don’t know what to say to him. I’m the one who made a mess out of everything,” I told my best friend.
“I know how you react when you panic,” Ian said. “You hate it when someone backs you into a corner. Maybe Noah should’ve reconsidered his timing?”
“No. Noah was right. We did need to talk. While it’s tempting to continue being in his fake marriage, we couldn’t ignore our issues forever. I suspect he thinks I’m not over Parker.”
“What? Parker’s old news and he’s a prick. Your parents didn’t like him. I also hated his guts.”
“I know. I guess Noah and I never really found the opportunity to just sit down and discuss us.”
Admitting the truth to my best friend made me feel worse. When I told Noah the ‘no sex’ rule in Vegas, I knew it was never going to hold.
The chemistry between us was undeniable. It wasn’t long before we broke that silly rule. Along the way, I kept my heart guarded but Noah had always been open with me. My chest ached. It hurt to breathe.
“Noah put up with me and my antics. That’s something,” I finally said.
Ian snorted. “Yeah, you’re not the easiest person to get along with.”
“Hey, you’re supposed to always take my side.”
I couldn’t imagine what kind of damage our break up did to Noah. This was his first real relationship. Of course, he wouldn’t know how to cope with his feelings. I remembered how awful I felt when Parker and I broke things off.
It felt like the end of the world. I couldn’t focus on anything for weeks. I hated knowing I had the same effect on Noah.
The fact he was miserable, really meant he had genuine feelings for me. I was the same. I was just too chicken shit to admit it.
"You want my advice?" Ian asked me.
"Yeah, sure. Why not?"
I didn't remind Ian that he wasn't the best person to ask for advice given his track record with guys. But I was desperate.
“Hunt him down. Get on your knees and beg him for forgiveness."
Did I hear him right?
"Are you joking?" I asked him. "That kind of thing only works in movies."
"Oh come on, Ryan. Chuck your pride aside and do the right thing. You broke up with him remember?"
"I do." I grudgingly admitted.
"You regretted letting him go. Noah and you are sickeningly right for each other."
"Y
ou have a point there."
I wasn't used to groveling. When Parker broke up with me the first thing I thought was 'good riddance'.
When I woke up and found out Noah packed all his belongings and left, I felt numbingly empty. My first thought had been to run up to him and beg him to reconsider. I didn't, because of my damn pride.
I hated to admit I was wrong, but if I let things slide, things would only get worse between us. Noah and I would eventually file for divorce. He’d probably never want to see me ever again, much less talk to me.
"So, have you decided to do the right thing?" Ian asked.
I almost forgot he was still on the other end of the line.
"You have a point," I admitted. "I need to chew on this a little bit more. You also probably need to go back to that app you've been working on.”
"Right. Good luck, Ryan. If you need any help, you know you can count on me and Jordan."
Knowing I had the support of my brother and best friend, gave me a boost of confidence.
I knew my family liked Noah. My mom kept pestering me not to give up on him. Even though she knew Noah had been a kind of a playboy before we got married, he'd somehow managed to win her over. That was Noah's superpower. His undeniable charm.
I didn't know what possessed me to walk to my door. I noticed a brown envelope that someone had slipped through the crack. Frowning, I picked it up. My hands shook as I extracted the divorce papers.
I flipped each sheet, swallowing. Noah already applied his signature. I couldn't believe it. Noah had knocked earlier. Why hadn't I answered the door?
If I did, we could've cleared things up between us. Noah wouldn't need to hand me these papers. In the back of mind, I knew our marriage wasn't real but I'd forever treasure the time we spent together. The memories we created.
"Stop talking like it's the end of the world, Ryan. It's not," I told myself.
I read his note out loud. "Sorry, I should've sent this over earlier but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I guess I was kind of hoping you've changed your mind about us. I'm doing the right thing, Ryan. I'm setting you free."
I didn't want to be free. I couldn't picture myself dating other strangers, guys who didn't bother knowing the real me.
