Lined up along the edge of the plaza were a half dozen brightly-colored huts—one for each of the cruise lines that serviced the port. All were busy with herds of tourists from the ships currently docked in orbit. Her own herd was gathered at the Waylade Tour Fleet hut when she arrived, flashing a bright smile and a wave of her paw.
“Hello, Americano Grande adventurers! I’m Hospitality Chief Kellybean, and I’ll be your guide on today’s excursion to the tropical paradise of Halii Bai! I’m so happy you all chose to join me today! Before we get started, I just need to check you all in. Please have your optical organ ready.”
The tourists pulled back sunglasses and excess mucous membranes and she quickly scanned their retinas with her tabloyd, ticking them off her guest list. They all seemed polite and enthusiastic. The perfect group for a perfect excursion. As she scanned in a Krubb family, a voice croaked behind her.
“Does this tour include a box lunch?”
“I told you it does,” a second voice grumbled. “We paid for the box lunch, so it’ll have a box lunch.”
Kellybean’s fur ruffled at the sound of the familiar, raspy voices. She turned to find a pair of elderly Geiko eyeing her suspiciously. Her mouth smiled. Her eyes did not. “Mr. and Mrs. Gwapwaffle. So lovely to see you again. I trust you’re having a nice cruise so far?”
“Don’t try to distract me. I know your tactics,” Clermytha barked. “Is there a box lunch or not?”
“I assure you there is,” Kellybean said patiently. “The service will be provided on the hovercoach ride back from the beach.”
“It better be. If I don’t eat I get cranky.”
“Too late,” Horman muttered.
“Don’t worry, ma’am,” Kellybean said. “I promise everything will be to your satisfaction. Let me just scan you in so we can get started.”
“Scan me in?” Clermytha snorted. “But we’re Platinum Elite!”
The old blue lizards once again raised their arms and swiped up their glittering holographic identicards. Kellybean rolled her eyes. “And we do value your loyalty,” she said by rote. “But it’s important we scan everyone for your safety and security.”
“Bah! I know you’re just checking our tickets,” Horman said. “Back in my day we had a thing called trust. If you said you belonged on an excursion, folks believed you!”
“The whole industry is going downhill.” Clermytha turned to Kellybean with a scowl. “When we took our first cruise on the WTF Sophisticate there was still some glamour in it. Nowadays they let species into the formal dining room who don’t even have necks, let alone neckties. It’s all going in the crapper. And another thing…”
Kellybean’s tail twitched impatiently, but she continued smiling as Clermytha vented a backlog of grievances against WTF that predated her birth. She knew the woman didn’t actually want someone to fix these problems. She just wanted someone to listen to them and acknowledge her anger. Hospitality 101. The old woman’s voice became a buzzing drone as Kellybean sighed and quietly weathered the word storm.
She hoped her tour would go better than her muster drill.
***
The Fount of Doboo sat on a tranquil, grassy hill on the edge of Port Ardoba. Its ancient, cut-gemstone statue depicted the supreme deity of the Halii people with arms outstretched, a natural spring flowing water from his raised hands as a representation of his divine power to cleanse the world of evil. The imposing devotional and its crystal reflection pool were the most sacred site on the planet.
Jassi slouched against the statue with her gnarled feet soaking in the pool. She wore nothing but a short skirt, pink bikini top, and oversized sunglasses as she lay with her leafy arms and legs sprawled spread-eagle, basking in the sun. She groaned and writhed languidly against the warm stone.
Hax looked on with worry in his digital eyes. “Not to be an ol’ fuddy duddy, but I don’t think you should be doing that here.”
Stobber slouched in the shade of a nearby tree, obnoxiously slurping and smacking his fleshy lips as he took bites off a melty yellow disc in his hand. “Doin’ what? Eating?”
Hax shook his head. “Not eating.” He pointed a plastic finger. “What Jassi’s doing.”
Jassi peered over her shades. “I’m also eating.”
“Are you?” Hax asked, eyeing her exposed body.
“It’s called photosynthesis,” Jassi growled. “Look it up, ya ignorant tape deck.”
Stobber leered at her. “Not gonna lie, you flashin’ yer coconuts at the sun is better than eating compressed fertilizer bars.” He winced. “That shix is disgusting.”
“You’re one to talk about disgusting food.” Jassi tipped her head toward his sweaty snack. “The huck are you even eating?”
“It’s gouda,” Stobber said defensively. “I stole it from the ship.”
“You stole an entire wheel of cheese?” Hax asked. “Where did you find that?”
“Kitchen. I broke in with fake credentials,” Stobber said proudly. He tapped the tabloyd wrapped around one of his smaller wrists. “Hacked the access routines myself.”
Jassi leaned on her elbow. “You’re full of shix. You couldn’t hack your way into an open manhole.”
“Huck you,” Stobber snorted. He waggled his fingers. “My code is smooth as liquid nipples and you know it.”
Hax rolled between them. “Please don’t fight. We’re supposed to be having fun!” His eyes smiled. “Why don’t we go take the sightseeing tour?”
Stobber gnawed off another hunk of cheese. “I ain’t takin’ no stupid tour.”
“Sounds like the worst idea ever,” Jassi agreed.
“Come on. It’ll be great! Look.” Hax pushed the play button in his chest and his datacassette rolled, replacing his eyes with a slick promotional video. “Experience the best of Halii Bai with this all-inclusive WTF excursion! Start with a scenic tour of historic Port Ardoba, followed by a trip to a beautiful volcanic beach in our exclusive climate-controlled hovercoach. Authentic sights and sounds await as you—”
Stobber punched Hax’s stop button. “I’ve heard enough.”
The robot’s eyes reappeared and blinked happily. “So you’re going?”
“No hucking way I’m going.” Stobber waved him off. “Why don’t you go by yourself? It’ll get you out of my arze for a while.”
“But I’ll be lonely!” Hax turned to Jassi. “Will you come with me?”
Jassi patted her sun-baked belly and splashed her rooted feet in the sacred fountain. “Bro, I’m bingeing so hard on sunlight and water I’m about to go into a food coma here.” She shrugged. “Besides, that shix ain’t free. We don’t have the scratch to afford one of those fancy cruise trips.”
“Aww.” Hax frowned and looked down the hill toward the travel plaza below. He spotted the WTF excursions hut and cocked his head. “Hey, why don’t we ask the nice kitty if we can just tag along?”
Jassi’s ears perked. “Kitty?”
“Kitty!” Hax said, pointing. “It looks like that lady from the lifeboat drill is leading the tour.”
The lounging plant jerked upright and lifted her sunglasses, peering down at the plaza. She immediately picked out Kellybean’s silky white fur in the crowd. Her eyes lingered on the Gellicle’s broad hips and petite frame, dressed for a casual adventure in khaki shorts and a form-fitting WTF polo.
“I’m in,” Jassi said.
“Yay! Together forever!” Hax cheered. He turned to Stobber. “Are you sure you won’t join us?”
The Nomit stuffed the last clod of cheese in his mouth and sneered. “Join you in what?” He nodded at Jassi. “You ain’t joining that tour unless they accept payment in ladyboners.”
“Pfft, whatever.” Jassi swung her legs out of the fountain and stuffed her wet feet in her boots. “You’re just wussing out because you know you can’t hack the ticketing system to get us on the list.”
“I could if I wanted to,” Stobber grumbled.
“Aww, that’s too bad.” Hax pouted. “I wish Stobber was as good at hacking software as you are at hacking hardware.”
“I know, right?” Jassi said.
“The huck you turds talking about?” Stobber said. “I’m twice as good.”
Jassi shrugged. “If you were, you’d get us tickets instead of wussing out like a little bish.”
“Like the littlest bish in the galaxy,” Hax agreed.
The Nomit crossed his arms. “I’m not an idiot. I see what you two are doing here.”
Hax cocked his head. “Is it working? Or do we have to berate you for another cycle?”
Stobber ran a meaty hand down his face. “Gahdamn it.” He unfolded his tabloyd and swiped at the screen. “What do you shixheads want in your box lunches?”
***
“And don’t get me started on the towel animals on the beds,” Clermytha whined. “We used to get exotic things like centipugs! It takes real skill to fold a towel into all those little legs! But now you’re lucky if you get a triger. Three legs! It’s a disgrace.”
Kellybean blinked and snorted. She suddenly realized she had no idea how long she’d been listening to the old lizard rant.
“I sincerely apologize for…” She waved a paw. “Whatever it is that’s bothering you. I promise, I’ll have my hospitality staff do everything they can to make this cruise exceed your expectations.”
Clermytha stuck up her nose and harrumphed. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Kellybean gave up and turned to the rest of the group, still patiently waiting to get underway. “Okay, now that everyone’s all checked in, let’s begin our tour, shall we? First, just a couple of safety rules. I’m going to ask everyone to choose a buddy, that way—”
“Yay for buddies!” a digital voice cheered. “I brought two!”
The hospitality chief turned to see an excited robot rolling up to the excursion hut, followed by a sweaty Nomit and a Verdaphyte girl with…
Kellybean’s brain locked up at the sight of her. It was the same girl from the muster drill, but… wow. On the ship she’d looked limp and scraggly, but here, in the bright sun, she was lush and green and absolutely aglow. And significantly more naked. Kellybean’s tail fluffed as she pinched her eyes closed and shook her head. She knew better. That girl was trouble. And so were her friends. She had to get rid of them before they ruined everything.
“I do apologize, but we won’t be able to take on any last-minute guests,” she said with a tight smile. “This excursion is for pre-paid ticketholders only.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem.” Jassi raked back her pink scalp foliage. “We’ve got tickets.”
“No, you don’t,” Kellybean said. “I just checked everyone in. You weren’t on my list.”
“Check again,” Stobber said. “People make mistakes.”
“I don’t,” Kellybean said coldly.
“Check anyway,” Stobber insisted.
Kellybean glowered and pulled up her guest roster to prove them wrong. The list updated and her breath caught.
“That’s… odd.” Her yellow eyes flashed as she glanced at the smirking Nomit. “It appears you three are on my list. In fact, you’re suddenly on all of my excursion tours for the rest of the cruise. As special guests of the captain, no less.”
Stobber grinned. “Oh yeah, me and him go way back. He’s always ready to do me a solid.” He looked to Jassi with a satisfied smirk. “You must really appreciate having a bandmate who’s so connected.”
“He’s gonna be connected to life support if he doesn’t shut up,” Jassi muttered. She turned to Kellybean. “Don’t mind him. His mother huffed a lot of sealant when she was pregnant.”
Horman scowled. “Is this a blasted sightseeing tour or a coffee klatsch?” He stomped his foot. “I paid to see the planet, not to stand in the travel plaza all day arguing about tickets!”
“Yes, yes, of course,” Kellybean said. She cleared her throat and reset her tour-guide smile as she addressed the group. “Welcome, one and all, to WTF’s exclusive Halii Bai shore excursion. We’re going to have a lot of fun today!”
As she said the words, she silently prayed they’d be true.
Chapter Ten
Leo walked at a staccato pace down the gunmetal gray corridors toward the primary machine room, trying to stay a step ahead of Burlock while at the same time letting him lead the way through the unfamiliar labyrinth. The rest of the bridge crew followed behind. Comfit, Quartermaster, and Swooch may not have been the best team Leo could have assembled to troubleshoot the faulty engines, but they were currently the only people on board willing to take orders from him.
He wiped the sweat off his upper lip for what felt like the thousandth time. His heart hammered so hard he was sure the others could see it through his uniform. With Varlowe in the hospital down on the planet, the fate of the cruise was entirely on Leo’s shoulders. Not to mention the fate of her job and of his entire home world. And he had no idea what he was doing. None. His only chance was to keep his chin up, project confidence, and bluff his way through the rest of the voyage.
Burlock swiped his tabloyd at the machine room’s lockpad, opening the door with a floor-shaking rumble. Inside, a few engineers sat slouched at their consoles, gazing at their screens with heavily lidded eyes. They were shelled slugs with long, skinny arms and legs, and round, sloth-like faces. Leo recognized them as sedentary beings from the planet Lethargot, pronounced with a silent T like French snails.
Leo self-consciously swaggered into the room, followed by his bridge crew. They all gaped at the electronic carnage before them. The console Praz had set on fire during Leo’s last visit was still charred and blackened, with a crusty dribble of dried firefoam clinging to its sides. Since then, two wall panels had joined it in similar states of disrepair. But at least the rogue bot was no longer repeatedly smashing into the doors. It was now strewn across the deck in pieces. The largest of which still had a long-handled ax buried in it, which raised a lot of questions Leo didn’t want answered.
Comfit’s face wrinkled in disgust. “This place is a dump.”
Quartermaster blew out a long breath and shrugged. “Well, what do you expect on a ship run by an American?”
“Wow, I’m right here,” Leo grumbled.
A Ba’lux head jerked up from under a console, cheeks smudged with grease. Praz Kerplunkt launched to his feet and tripped over a toolbox, spilling its contents across the floor.
“What are you people doing here?” he snapped. “You don’t belong here! This is my room!”
“And I love what you’ve done with it,” Leo said diplomatically. “But there seems to be a problem with the engines, so we came down to take a look.”
Praz’s eyes widened as he guiltily spread his arms, trying to hide the entire machine room as if it were an unwrapped birthday present. “This is my area! I’m the boss here! I’m in charge and I’ve got everything under control!”
As if to offer a counterargument, the cratered, bot-smashed door fell out of its track and crashed to the ground, rattling the deck plates. Comfit looked to it, then to Praz.
“Do you, though?” She gestured to the sleepy slug techs at the consoles. “You don’t seem to have a lot of backup here.”
“They’re Lethargots,” Praz said. “They’re nocturnal. They work better at night.”
“Then why don’t they work the night shift?” Leo asked.
“Because they don’t get along with the Solarjellies!”
“Your night crew is Solarjellies?” Comfit raised a brow. “As in, the Solarjellies that literally lose cellular cohesion at night and have to sleep in buckets?”
“Don’t you criticize my scheduling!” Praz snapped, waving his arms at the room. “Can’t you see how busy I am here? It’s like I have to do everything myself!”
Leo rolled
his eyes. “All right, are we going to fix the engines or what?”
“We are.” Burlock stepped in front of Leo. “We’ll need to run some high-level diagnostics and work from there.”
“Right,” Leo said, maneuvering back in front of Burlock. “That’s totally what I was going to say.” He gestured at two unattended consoles. “Get to work with the tappy tappy and the beepy beepy.”
Comfit and Quartermaster shared a pained glance, but did as they were told.
“I can confirm the engines aren’t damaged,” Quartermaster reported. “Their structural integrity is nominal, but something is putting an unusually high power drain on them.”
Burlock turned to Comfit. “Do we know what that is?”
“No, sir,” she said. “Whatever is leeching energy is crippling internal sensors. It’ll take the system days to isolate the problem.”
“That’s gonna make driving a real challenge,” Swooch noted.
Burlock nodded. “We’ll have to do a manual inspection.”
“I know that! I was just going to say that!” Praz shouted. He turned to his crew. “Up and at ’em, boys! Get out your manuals and start inspecting them!”
The Lethargots didn’t look at him. Some were snoring. Burlock shook his head. “We’ll handle the inspection ourselves.”
Quartermaster nodded. “Our tabloyds are equipped with a diagnostic scanning app. We just need to sync them to the latest system schematic and we can start a panel-by-panel analysis.”
“Ugh, that’ll take forever,” Swooch grumbled.
“It will. So let’s quit moaning and get started.” Burlock pulled his sleeve back from his tabloyd band. “Sync up.”
He flicked a finger on the device around his wrist, activating a blinking blue light. Praz and the bridge crew swiped on their bands and more blue lights appeared. Leo swiped on his and a cartoon heart sprang from his arm.
Galaxy Cruise: The Maiden Voyage Page 12
