DoucheMage

by Damien Hanson

“Paige, no!”

  The Consort options flashed up again. “They offer a full VR experience playback after you’re all done.”

  “No no no no no!”

  “MY BABY DRAGON SAYS YES, CURTIS!” she screamed. She turned to Brian. “We’ll be joining you, and these two idiots will behave themselves this time.”

  Nicole stepped forward and put a hand on Brian’s arm. “It’s the toughest quest the game has to offer. You’ll be going back to your lives as champions.”

  Curtis deflated a bit, then turned on Taz and gave him a slap on the crotch. Taz crumpled to the floor groaning pitifully.

  “Oh shit, bro, forgot… what’s the capital of Thailand?”

  ***

  The first thing Brian did when they arrived back in Franjy Ponny was get his spellbook from Ye Olde Magick Shoppe, trip over a hideous talking duckling, and summon a baby dragon for Paige. It was a cute three foot thing made of bronze scales, with adorable little wings. Paige went from stubborn ally to best friend in roughly half a second, in between cooing at the dragon, scratching its chinny chin chin.

  “Who is absowootwy duh cutest widdle dwagon?” she asked, scratching its scaly chin. “Dass right, you are!”

  He then took them to Kapi Tal, leveled them up as they went, and made damn sure they didn’t accept their level ups. Only an idiot would waste them when they weren’t mortally wounded. The Gear they got was on par with the spellbook Morelon was carrying: a blinking cloak that turned Robby the Now-Five-Fingered Robber invisible when he was standing still, and could teleport him across a ten foot space six times a day. Cornholen the Backdoor Intruder gained sprinting slippers, which gave him the ability to move with absolute silence and at double normal speed, but also run on air or water six times a day. For Casino the Warriorish Princess, in addition to a baby dragon, he bought her the masochist’s armor. Not only would it step down Harm six times a day, but any time she took harm, she’d get extra dice and damage on the next attack.

  They carved their way from Franjy Ponny to Kapi Tal in no time, leveling up his cannon fodder three times in a single day. Since he was Access Level 3, the game only gave him 25% of the XP he normally would’ve, which didn’t bother him much. The Supple Orb of Boobsight was practically in his grasp.

  Then the world. Gameworld. Same difference.

  In Kapi Tal, they had their choice of magical underwater hotel, served by merfolk just off the harbor, the halfling warren experience, where you got to stay with some little person who lived in the side of one of the foothills next to the city and constantly offered them food, the dwarven experience, where the underground tunnel walls and ceilings were inlaid with massive gems and they had the best saunas known to any species, or the eyrie, a floating hotel overlooking the lands beyond Kapi Tal, where you rode magic carpets to various places about the hotel, and slept in a sort of magical floating hamster ball with a bed inside, constantly bobbing up and down.

  The idiot squad got into a bickering match over the four choices: Taz wanted the saunas, while Paige wanted to get her late night bone on with Curtis underwater. Curtis was tight lipped about his choice, because his fiance was basically running the show. Brian rolled his eyes.

  “You are the mightiest heroes of the realm now,” he said, and handed them each a warrant signed by the empress. It gave them access to any facilities in the city, with payment made by the empress. “You can each go to a different place. Robby you’re hitting the dwarven saunas? Great. Get a massage and a hot rock treatment or whatever. You two can get freaky with mermaids watching. The honorable paladin of VIP Services can choose whatever she wants also, since she’s not obligated to be my bedmistress.”

  Although boy did he wish she would choose the same place he wanted.

  At least the gambit seemed to work: Nicole gave him a sharp look of alarm, which softened to relief. Morelen the Learned bid them adieu and immediately went to a dark pub to scry Nicole. And he was in luck: she headed out with the warrant from the empress she didn’t strictly need, and hit the halfling warrens. She immediately tucked into third dinner or whatever. Robby watched her walk away but ultimately headed beneath the city where they maintained the pipeworks and their own hotel service, and presented his warrant. He then proceeded to have a sauna service, a massage, and Brian stopped watching when he ordered three dwarven prostitutes: two female bearded ones, and one male.

  Shudder.

  Curtis and Paige he didn’t spy on. They were self-involved and nothing to worry about. Instead he ordered an elvenberry ale, hold the whipped cream, and leaned back to relax. He opened up his pet project, LUBE, and proceeded to get even more LUBEd up. He was determined to see every rule this place had on offer, and where the exploits would be. He was just about at the good part: the SLUT.

  He sighed and chuckled. “Special Looters’ Ultimate Trove. You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  And just like his favorite old RPG books, there were illustrations. In some cases you could click on different illustrations and get video captures of the item in question. Everything in here was pretty great, from the puzzle boxes that would transport you into a pleasure/pain dimension and flay your soul apart while you begged for more, to the girdles of giant strength that reversed your gender.

  And… apparently there were unobtainable artifacts?

  “Iiiiiinnnnnnteresting…” he bookmarked the LUBE and set it aside. Now was the time for focusing on the Supple Orb of Boobsight. That SOB would not best him again. Tomorrow they’d have the Supple Orb, he’d get a perfect wank, and then they’d be off to get the best damn artifact in the game.

  ***

  They met together in the town square the next morning just before the dark clouds above gave way to rain. The sky sprinkled and then poured down rain and the NPCs mostly slipped on by here and there to get to wherever they had to go, leaving the adventurers to their own devices. Morelon the Learned spread his hands into the shape of a canopy, summoning an electric blue umbrella over them all.

  Nicole smiled her thanks, giving him that wink. Curtis and Paige were busy playing with the dragon, and Robby the Robber nodded at him, then massaged his temples. Dark pouches hung under his eyes and his face was swollen.

  “You got anything for my hangover, Douche?” Robby asked. Brian started, then laughed, remembering that he was indeed following in the steps of Allereon the Douchemage, meaning that Robby might well be staying in character. Heck maybe he even had just gotten an XP for the remark.

  “I have just the thing, my noble companion,” Morelon said, envisioning some pain pills then reaching into his beard and pulling forth two ibuprofen with a sparkle of yellow magic. Robby didn’t look grateful but he certainly looked relieved as he grabbed them up and sank them down his gullet. He chased them with a nip from his hip flask.

  “So, are we ready to adventure?” Nicole asked everyone. Curtis yawned and nodded. The others murmured affirmation.

  “What’s the plan?” Robby asked. His face had cleared up some and he was pacing, playing with the dagger at his belt. “Is this a sneaky ruin? A hack and slash? What are we in for?”

  “A great orb, good companions.”

  “That’s it? A magic item? A McGuffin?!” Cornholen asked. “No damsels in distress or village that’ll reward us with all the virgins they have to offer?”

  Paige threw the dragon on him and turned to Nicole.

  “We’re in, so let’s go, okay? I kinda wanna see how wittle Puddles here does with other monsters.”

  “The other monsters are going to try to kill him!” Cornholen said. He shook his head, staring wide. “And then you are going to cry and throw a fit.”

  Casino the Warriorish Princess stared daggers. Cornholen backed off, his hands raised in concession.

  Robby laughed at his friend. “What did I tell ya about settling down, bro?” Cornholen glared and Morelon felt happiness spread throughout his body. Then he raised his staff into the air and began to wave it in a circle.

  “Everyone stay i
nside the circle. I’m trying out a mass teleport spell. It’s a bit difficult but I think I’ve got this.” Dice spun and rolled. 1, 10, 10. The wind, already ramping up toward a storm, needed little coaxing to rise up and around them in a giant funnel of brown-black energy crackling red with lightning.

  “Woah!” Robby muttered in awe. Casino reached out one sexy warriorish arm to grab a hold of the pretty lightning, then scowled as Nicole grabbed it and pulled it back. She tutted the young woman, then turned back to Brian/Morelon, whose spell was nearing completion.

  “Mass Teleport! Even among the retired VIPers this isn’t a common spell. For one it takes a lot of LUBE to understand how to even envision it. And two, that’s a lot of spell points in one shot.”

  Brian looked up from his master quest list and nodded. “Yeah but I’d burn more on the way over. That waterway was no joke. This way we’re going to show up right at the entrance to the place and none of the party will be the worse for wear. According to my information, from there all we need to do is drop down the Hole of Eternal Stench, through the Bowels of Despair, then take a Right at Albuquerque.”

  He groaned.

  “What is it?” Nicole asked.

  “I just figured this dungeon out. It’s not a place. It is a giant person. And we’re going to be entering it through its goddamn rectum. Do me a favor will ya? When this is all over find the lead developer over Swords & Sorcerers and get them fired. Or at least bring them to me here so I can trap them with my magic and kick them in the balls forever.”

  They disappeared with a crack of thunder and a schlorp, plucked up by bots unseen to go game leagues in the space of a minute.

  ***

  The noble band of adventurers felt their feet plop down onto solid ground and saw a heavy mist surrounding them. It all abruptly faded as a heavy and noxious wind blasted in away from them. They stared up with watery eyes to the side of a giant, naked, puckered butthole. One loose with age and heavy use. Brian gagged and Nicole laughed. Greensville might have been a giant donut, but this was the spiraling vortex at its center. Above them floated the castle with the evil gargoyles. It was a butthole of truly epic proportions, the rectum to end all other rectums. Far beyond, great cheeks rose up to either side of them.

  Casino and Robby were likewise having trouble with the stench, and the Warriorish Princess clapped a hand over her new pet’s snout. Cornholen the Backdoor Intruder, though, struck up a heroic pose, his robe gusted as the titanic sleeping humanoid before them let another fart rip through them.

  “Oh that’s nasty,” he giggled, then recomposed himself. “I, monk of the Backdoor Intruder, Keeper of the Poopy Wang, have found my destiny. I swear to you, my noble companions, that I shall see us through to victory for this beautiful quest is the culmination of decades of studying, living, training and, uh, well my name really says it all. I am the be all of butthole knowledge, and I pledge you all that we shall not be passed!”

  Robby laughed. “Bro, that was all poetic and shit. Loved it. But I thought you said you were the backdoor intruder because Casino likes it up the butt?”

  Paige scowled at him and whistled her dragon Bubbles back over, letting him land in the cradle of her crooked arm and armpit.

  “Bold move,” Nicole laughed to Curtis. “The system gave you an XP every time you stayed in character with her, didn’t it! That was clever!”

  “Yeah, I wasn’t sure if it would work but the name was funny so I figured it’d be good enough even if it didn’t work.”

  Brian frowned. It was time to game.

  “Cornholen, noble monk of the Backdoor Intruder, I humbly ask that you lead the way and accomplish the destiny you have so long trained for–”

  “I bet he’s accomplished that destiny every night since we got here,” Robby snickered.

  Morelon cleared his throat and continued, “Lead us on, master monk, and let us find the Supple Orb posthaste!”

  Cornholen waved his hands around and made spitting noises with his mouth. Suddenly they were surrounded by and standing upon a waxy white substance. As the party looked at him in wonder he opened his arms as if to say Tada!

  “What is this?” Nicole asked. “I’ve never seen it before!”

  The LUBE says you can invent spells based on your backstory. So I just cast Animated Suppository. It’s wiggling us in as we speak. We’ll be inside the colon in no time.”

  “That’s what she said,” Robby grinned, his eyes dreamy, a very obvious erection bulging the front of his trousers.

  Chapter 11- Mommy Chokes a Bitch on a Bastard Sword

  Darkness enfolded them, and as if on cue Casino’s new pet began to glow. Each of its scales seemed to ignite from within, and it cooed up at its mama. Casino could have practically burst into rainbows and heart-shaped bubbles.

  “Who’s the best widdle fwashwight that ever wivved? It’s you! Yes you are!”

  Brian peered around at the slimy environment, glad “Everyone, stay alert. You strove to become more resourceful and studious like I suggested, yes?”

  “Bro, we ain’t bought shit. You said to save up those level ups.”

  He activated Study, then fished out the spellbook and flipped several pages to a bookmark he’d had saved up. It was Detect Masterpiece Artifact, and it now gave him the chance to roll Study, or Lore. He picked Lore, and chose not to push for an extra die with his Stress. He’d need that to resist taking damage. He rolled 1, 2, and 7, which was exasperating but good enough for a success.

  A new clock appeared, complete with only four segments: You Are Discovered.

  “What did you do, douche?”

  As if in response, a bluish star blossomed on the horizon, far off, followed by a trail of light that connected back to Brian. Soon the line receded and disappeared, except for a short stick of light extending from Brian toward a far-off blob of incandescence.

  “Fuck is that?” Robby asked. “Boner of light?”

  “That, my friends, is the orb we seek. Or a path to it, in any case. Stay vigilant.”

  Soon enough, a second and then a third segment on the clock filled in reddish. Brian spun around to get a look at who might be rolling what, but it was happening too fast for him to track. A few seconds later the final second flashed to life, amid plenty of swearing by the bros.

  “Get ready,” Nicole called.

  “For what?” Casino asked.

  The answer slapped into the room-sized suppository and caused Brian to flinch. Glommed onto the exterior of the pill was a lamprey-looking mouth attached to a stringy tube of a body waving grotesque thick hairs all around it, receding into the darkness.

  “Cur– uh, Cornholen, that is… that is gross,” Casino complained.

  A new clock appeared in red, reading Containment Breach, along with one in green, reading The Treasure You Seek. The red clock was only six segments, while the green one divided up so many times it had to be maybe thirty-two or even sixty-four. In response, or maybe to appearance of the second lamprey thing, Robby Robber swore long and low.

  The lamprey things, now three of them, were chewing through the protective layer of the capsule. Brian cast a spell of protection on all of them, requiring a Survival or Fortitude roll, so he went with Fortitude. And though he hated to, he pushed several points of Stress in there, for an extra die. The result was a 6 and an 8, so pretty good, but enough that two of the six segments immediately flared to life.

  “Stay in the circle,” he commanded, and ignored the chance to roll Command. If they didn’t, they’d be in for a nasty surprise.

  He stepped up, found a lightning spell, and laid his hand on the outside. This time he had the choice of Skirmish or who cared, because he slapped Skirmish. The dice went 2, 3, and 7, which was enough to zap lightning through the exterior of the capsule and fry the three lamprey things. They went squirming and squealing off, but soon returned with four more buddies.

  Two more segments of Containment Breach filled in, while only two more of the green destination clo
ck filled in. Ugh.

  “Shouldn’t that have killed them?” he asked. “These aren’t elite–”

  He froze as the real opponent came into view, a ball of rubbery lamprey tentacles that attached its huge mouth to the end of the suppository and began chewing with every mouth it had.

  “Jesus, douchemage, I didn’t know your mom was an enemy here!” Cornholen called.

  Brian locked eyes with Robby Robber and winked. The rogue was looking pretty green around the gills, and got the joke. “Bro, not cool… I’m still pretty queasy from–”

  The tentacle thing vomited up a deluge of greenish brown goop on the weakened suppository shell. That was all it took to set Robby Robber off, down on his knees and chucking up his breakfast onto Brian’s protection circle. If only it protected all of them from the smell.

  A new red clock appeared, with The Harder They Fall written above it. This one had ten segments, so 10 hit points essentially.

  “Casino, Nicole?” he asked without asking. All he heard in response was a pair of blades clearing sheaths.

  “Can Mommy’s widdle pudding cup sit wight here? Can she be a good cutie patootie? Yes she can! Oh yes she can! Mommy’s gotta go choke a bitch on the end of a bastard sword! Yes she does!”

  Brian cast one last spell, and this one again took more Spell Points because he was trying to target everyone here. With the five of them, it took 5 SP, an unthinkable sum, but the spell wasn’t a difficult one: Survival, Finesse or Lore were on offer, so he took Lore. The dice clattered, giving him a 5, 7, and 10. Yes!

  He was down to 19 Spell Points. No!

  A bubble of air appeared around everyone’s upper body, encapsulating all their heads, along with three segments of The Treasure You Seek.

  “Come on, dude!” Casino yelled, “Come get some!” A teensy die appeared next to her head, too small to read. Clearly though she was doing some kind of taunt action. Whatever the intended effect (maybe 1 pie wedge for achieving their ultimate goal), the real effect was to chew through the last two segments of Containment Breach. It disappeared with a growling, ripping crunch of the last bits of suppository boat armor being torn away.