Nanny I Want to Mate: A Single Dad Romance

by Mia Kayla

  I closed the gap between us and met his lips. He smelled of mint from his toothpaste, and the masculine scent of his aftershave filled my nose.

  He pushed me against the counter, and the edge of the island dug into my side. My body tingled with anticipation. It had been days since we’d last been together, and besides stolen kisses here and there, there were no other opportunities other than this weekend—when Brad had promised to take the girls again.

  When he pushed his hips into me, I could feel how much he wanted me. When he flicked his tongue over the seam of my lips, I opened my mouth to let him in. This felt dangerous, as though I were at the edge of a cliff, about to fall, but what a wonderful fall it would be.

  “Daddy?”

  We separated as fast as we’d come together. Chests heaving. Breathing hard. My hand flew to my mouth in utter horror.

  Her face was shell-shocked.

  “Sarah.” Charles’s features crumpled.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, but he didn’t hear me because Sarah had darted out of the room and Charles had gone after her.

  Charles

  Sarah ran, and I followed her outside, past our pool. I watched her climb up the tree house that Brad and Mason had bought the girls.

  “Sarah!” I called out, but she’d already shut the door.

  I gritted my teeth and kicked the ground, lifting a piece of grass from the roots.

  That had been reckless; I should have known better.

  Fuck.

  “Sarah,” I called out again.

  “I wanna be alone right now.” Her voice was soft, shaky, and I wondered if she was crying.

  Fuck, fuck. Me and my stupidity.

  I one hundred percent blamed myself. There was excitement in stealing kisses from Becky when the girls weren’t looking, skirting the edge, watching the flush in her cheeks, but I hadn’t thought I’d get caught before telling them.

  I should’ve told them sooner. Fear had been pushing this conversation off. Stupid. I shouldn’t have put it off. Well, cat was out of the bag now.

  “Sarah, honey … we need to talk.”

  Silence.

  I knew my daughters individually, their strengths, what motivated them, what they were into, what they wanted for their birthdays, and also what made them angry. Sarah … she’d need time to process, simmer. Time alone.

  I touched the base of the tree house, placing my hand on the bark of the maple tree, and released a silent breath, peering up at the house that held part of my world.

  Sarah was old enough to remember Natalie. They’d been two peas in their mismatched pods in looks, but in personality, they were similar. Sarah had a bond with Natalie that I could never touch, and when Nat passed away, I spent thousands of dollars on counseling as a family and her individually to make sure she was processing Nat’s death in a healthy manner.

  It had been years since her last crying-fest, her blowups, her shutting down.

  And in one instant … my one moment of carelessness, I’d taken her back years.

  Brad jogged toward me from a distance, and I met him halfway.

  “Becky told me what happened.” There was no humor on his features and no witty comment, which I was glad for because I couldn’t take it right now. “Is she okay?” he asked, peering behind me, his gaze traveling toward the tree house.

  “No.” I rubbed at my forehead. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

  “It happens,” Brad said, sighing and shrugging, knowing I was going to be in the doghouse with Sarah but also knowing we couldn’t rewind.

  I dropped my head and ran one heavy hand through my hair.

  He placed a hand on my shoulder. “But mistakes don’t normally happen with you though.”

  I groaned. “You’re supposed to make me feel better.”

  Brad lifted a shoulder. “That’s your job, too, so I’m out of my element here.”

  I threw him a look, and he offered me a small smile.

  “Listen, big bro, we all know how Natalie’s death affected Sarah hugely. But she’s strong, resilient. She’s older now. She can handle it. You just need to talk to her … when she’s ready.”

  I nodded and swallowed. I knew that too. She needed time. I just didn’t want to give it to her. The father in me wanted to fix it now.

  In the beginning, we’d talked about how much we both missed Natalie; we’d reminisced and watched old home videos. It was a way of healing rather than pretending it’d never happened. But as time had passed and we got busy, watching our old life on the screen had stopped, and so had reminiscing. I wasn’t naive to believe her wounds were not still there because my wounds still weren’t healed. When someone died—someone you loved dearly, maybe even more than yourself—that pain never really went away. It might dim, but I knew from experience, you never fully forgot.

  “Just talk to her,” Brad repeated.

  I nodded, my eyes going shut. “I was going to, but it looks like that talk is going to happen sooner than expected.”

  I peered up at the door she’d shut on me and knew there was no way I’d fit in that small space with her. And knowing her, she wanted to be alone right now. But I’d wait by this tree house all night if I had to, wait till she was ready to talk to me, wait until she was ready to forgive me.

  Chapter 34

  Charles

  My gaze dropped to the ground, the grass, to the area of dirt where I’d uprooted a patch of grass. I whispered, “Nat, do a Hail Mary, will you? You know your daughter more than I do. Show me how to handle this situation.”

  A small laugh escaped my lips. I could picture her shaking her head, giving me that look that said, Charles, you should have known better. She’d never utter those words, but with that one look, I knew what she was thinking.

  It was a whole two hours later when Sarah descended the steps from the tree house, and I was right there, butt on the grass, leaning against the tree, waiting for her.

  She wrung her hands in front of her, and her eyes were noticeably red.

  I stood and brought her into a hug, grateful she didn’t push me away. As soon as she nuzzled her head into my chest, I released a breath of relief. And then she melted into my arms, her body going limp.

  “I miss Mom.” Her voice was muffled against my shirt, and I pulled her in tighter against me.

  My chest seized, and I swallowed the lump in the back of my throat. “I know. I do too, honey. I do too.”

  I pulled her up then and lifted her into my arms. At ten, her legs dangled. She wasn’t a little girl anymore, but she’d always be my little girl.

  When she tucked her chin into my neck, I lifted my eyes to the sky—searching for a cloud, the sun, some sort of sign. Sometimes, I’d pick a cloud in the sky and picture Nat, sitting there, watching me.

  In that moment, I thanked her, like I’d done so many times before. I thanked her for these girls, my most precious gifts. One she’d even died for.

  “I’m sorry.” My voice was choked with emotion.

  Sarah shouldn’t have found out about Becky and me that way. I’d never been sloppy before. With my girls, there was no room for mistakes, but with Becky, as I had quickly learned, all those rules were out the window.

  Sarah shook her head and pushed her face further in my neck. My fingers went to her hair, and I turned my face to meet her cheek, planting a kiss there.

  Why did every little thing have to be so damn hard? Letting go, moving on, learning to live without someone, and then figuring out how to fold someone new into our lives …

  I hadn’t thought Sarah would be ready for me to date again. And as I gritted my teeth, I realized that accelerating my relationship with Becky without telling my girls first was the most selfish thing I’d ever done with my girls, and it was the first time I hadn’t put their emotions and their needs above mine.

  If they weren’t okay, what was I going to do?

  The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, but my girls were young, and there’d be time for me later,
right? To date, to love again, when they were grown and had lives of their own.

  I swallowed as sadness hit me directly in the chest. The thought of ending this new thing with Becky already gutted me.

  For a brief moment, I closed my eyes, my breaths matching Sarah’s, and I decided whatever my girls wanted, whatever they needed, it was my job to provide that. If, in the end, they weren’t ready, I’d have to accept that. That was something Becky would have to accept to, right? Would she wait?

  Slowly, a breath escaped me. That wasn’t my priority now. My priority was the little girl in my arms.

  When she pulled back, she swiped at her tears, and grief tore at my heart.

  “I just miss her.” She sobbed, her tears falling relentlessly down her cheeks.

  Good God, I hated seeing my girls cry. It took me a moment to speak. “I know. I miss her too. Every day.”

  “And Becky …” Her voice trailed off.

  I swiped each of her cheeks with my thumbs. “I know. I’m sorry …”

  She placed her small, fragile hands on my cheeks, and her words stunned me. “I want you to be happy, Daddy.” Her eyes shone with tears, with heartbreak, and yet a maturity I’d never seen before. “I know you miss Mommy, and I know you’re sad about her and you have been, but I just want you to be happy, Daddy. I just want you to be happy.”

  I tried to swallow past the giant lump in my throat, but I couldn’t.

  This kid. My awesome, wonderfully made kid.

  I didn’t deserve her.

  Now, it was my turn as tears outlined my eyes. I pulled her in close, holding her with one arm and lifting the edge of my shirt to wipe my eyes with the other.

  Thank you, baby girl.

  But I couldn’t even get the words out. It took a good few minutes to pull myself together and place her back on her feet.

  We walked in silence to the lounge chairs by the pool, and I sat down and pulled her into my lap.

  I pushed her hair out of her face and smiled. “You know I love you, right?”

  She nodded, her smile matching mine.

  “And you know that everything I do, have ever done, is always with your best interest in mind. You know that, right, Sarah?”

  “I do.” She reached for my hand and squeezed, turning over my fingers in hers.

  “And above all … I want to make sure you guys are happy. Not only that you have the things you need and want, but that you’re happy too.” I blew out a long breath, wishing I were better prepared for this conversation. “When you say you want Daddy happy”—that same lump formed in the back of my throat—“you don’t know”—I swallowed—“how much that means to me because”—I lifted my eyes to hers—“I feel like I’ve been so busy, making sure you’re happy, that I forget about myself sometimes. By you saying that”—I cupped her cheek—“that means a lot to Daddy.”

  She nodded, and it looked like she was going to cry again. “I know …” Her lip quivered as she stared at our hands. “I see you, Daddy. I see you when you’re not looking, and I know you’re sad. I keep thinking … maybe if I get better grades … maybe if I don’t fight as much with Mary, then maybe you’ll be happier. But now”—a small smile surfaced—“you’re different. Even when you’re sitting by yourself, you’re smiling, and now, I know why.”

  “Oh, honey.” My thumb swiped at her tears. “You make me happy, just by being you.”

  She nodded.

  “But, yes … Becky makes me happy too.” I ducked into her line of sight because I needed her to believe me, to understand. “I love your mom. I think about her every single day …” It was the truth. Every time I looked at Mary, I saw her spitting image, or when Sarah said something witty, it would remind me of Nat. “No one can or ever will replace her.”

  One warm hand patted my cheek. “I know. You don’t have to tell me or worry about me anymore because I’m a big girl.” She sat straighter in my lap as proof. “I know no one will ever replace Mommy, but I want you to know … I like Becky. She’s kind and fun, and she …” She looked like she was searching for the words when she said, “I dunno. She just fits.”

  I blew out a breath of relief, of happiness, of gratitude for this child in front of me. “That she does, baby girl. That she does.”

  Chapter 35

  Becky

  By the time Charles and Sarah entered the house, I was making dinner. Heat flushed my cheeks as I tried to make eye contact with Sarah and smile, but she hadn’t lifted her head, only skipped out of the room.

  My eyes immediately met Charles’s as I took the cupcakes out of the oven.

  “How is she?” My muscles tightened as I waited for his answer.

  “Good.” He leaned against the counter and shook his head. “That girl … old soul, that one. She’s beyond her years.”

  “She’s been through a lot.”

  I knew from experience, as I’d also grown up fast, experienced a lot of hardships, heartache. The difference was, Sarah had a great support system around her. I’d had to fend for myself.

  “Yeah, that’s true. First, losing Nat and then her grandparents.” His eyes traveled beyond me, somewhere over my shoulder.

  “I’m glad she’s okay. What did she say about me and you and catching us …” My voice trailed off. “Charles …” I took a step toward him. While they’d been outside, in between making crafts with Mary, I’d decided that I would not cause drama in this house or any more heartache than they’d already gone through. When I’d moved in here, my job had been to make it easier for the Briskens, not fall for my boss. “Whatever is happening here … between us … I don’t want that to cause a disruption in this household. Maybe we need to take—”

  He didn’t even give me a chance to finish my sentence because he was right in front of me, arms around my lower waist. He lowered his forehead against mine. “You don’t understand how much you saying that means to me. That you’d put the girls’ wants and needs above your own even though they’re not yours.”

  I swallowed hard, feeling weak with him so near. “Of course. I care about them deeply. I love them.”

  He took in a deep breath through his nose and then asked me, “Do you love me?”

  His question was unexpected, and it caught me by surprise. Love? I breathed through the next few seconds, careful with my words. I placed one hand on his chest, flattening the collar of his shirt. Oh, how I wanted to say yes, but I’d said yes before and realized later that it was only a facade. So many people had left me or treated me badly, and though I knew Charles would never be that person, it was still difficult to tell if what I felt was real. It was difficult to trust my own emotions and thoughts because they were all jumbled anyway whenever I was around him. And maybe a big part of me didn’t want to jinx this—this epic happiness I’d been feeling simply by being with him.

  “We’re new, and it’s amazing, but all that might not matter if the girls—”

  “Sarah wants me to be happy.” He smiled. “I told you she was mature beyond her age. And what makes me happy is you, Becky.” His eyes shone with an inner glow, a surety of us that I didn’t have. “I know we’re new. I know this is going super fast. We just had our first date last weekend, but … I know what this is because I’ve been here before.”

  He cupped my cheek, and I felt his touch everywhere.

  “I love you, Becky. I love your strength, your kindness, your patience. I know this is love because I wouldn’t incorporate you into my life and in the girls’ lives if I wasn’t sure, and I’m sure. I’m sure of you, of us and …” He shook his head. “You don’t have to say it or feel it right now. I’m okay. One of my best qualities is patience. I’ll wait, okay? Until you’re ready.”

  I nodded, feeling too close to tears. I closed the gap and kissed him. I had no words. I wasn’t ready to proclaim that I loved him even though I knew in my heart and in my gut that I probably did.

  I pulled back, not wanting to be caught in the act again by the children. “Now, you have to
tell Mary.”

  He nodded. “Yeah.” His sigh was deep, and it seemed endless. “Hopefully, she’ll take it just as well as Sarah did.”

  “Well?” I let out a shaky chuckle. “Sarah couldn’t even look at me when she walked in.”

  He tenderly brushed the back of his knuckles against my cheek. “She just needs time. Plus, I’m assuming she’s a little embarrassed. She walked in on me mauling your face.” He felt playful enough to add a smirk.

  I pressed one heavy hand against his chest, feeling like I was about to let him maul me again if I wasn’t careful. “Well, no more mauling until we have all of this out in the open, okay?”

  His gaze turned serious, sweet, and full of so much love that I felt weak in the knees. “Sounds good.”

  Dinner could be summed up in one word—uncomfortable. Brad had ditched us, thankfully. I didn’t know if Charles had talked to him, maybe asking him to leave so we could talk to the girls by ourselves. All I knew was, one minute, Brad had been excited for my chicken potpie, and the next, he was saying his good-byes with an evident frown on his face.

  The only person who spoke during dinner was Mary. It was like she was having a one-way conversation with herself, talking about her stuffed animals and school and the teacher who loved her, though she believed all her teachers loved her.

  Sarah only moved food around the plate, her head down, her eyes never meeting mine.

  My stomach churned with anxiety.

  “After dinner, we’re going out for ice cream,” Charles announced cheerily, breaking up Mary’s story about the worm on the playground that the kids had bullied. Yes, they’d bullied a worm.

  Immediately, Mary’s smile slipped, and she dropped her fork. “Last time we went out for ice cream, you told us Nana was leaving.” Her sparkling blue eyes flipped to mine. “Are you leaving, Becky?”

  A nervous laugh escaped my lips, and I met Charles’s eyes. “I hope not.”

  “No. Becky is staying,” he said firmly, holding a secret smile that had my stomach lurching forward.