Find the Girl

by Lucy Connell

Jordan glances at me as hot tears stream down my face.

  For a moment, I think I see a glimpse of surprise, and then sympathy, in his expression. But he turns away and doesn’t look at me for the rest of the lesson.

  No one does.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Nancy

  I can’t stop thinking about Miles and it is driving me NUTS.

  It’s so stupid because I know that he’s not into me in that way, but every time I try to push him from my brain he finds a sneaky way to get right back in there. I wish Nina was here so I could be distracted, and I do think about calling her, but I check the time and know that she’ll be on her way home from London. There’s no point.

  I lie on the sofa watching an old Mary-Kate and Ashley movie in the hope that it will distract me but I can’t concentrate on it at all. My mind keeps wandering back to yesterday, analysing everything he said and did.

  ‘ARGH, stop it!’ I say out loud to myself.

  ‘Everything all right, darling?’ Mum yells from the kitchen. She’s in one of her artistic moods today and is in the middle of drawing an empty milk bottle.

  ‘Fine, thanks, Mum. I was just talking to myself,’ I reply.

  ‘You know,’ Mum says, coming through from the kitchen and sitting down on the sofa next to me, ‘there’s something rather fascinating about that empty milk bottle. If you really take the time to look at it.’

  ‘I’ll take your word for it,’ I say, leaning forward to reach for the remote and pause the film. ‘Are you going to tell me anything about your date last night, then?’

  Even though she’s refused to give me any details, I can tell that her date went well because she’s been floating around in a daze, humming tunes from musicals all day. She even decided to do some baking this morning, and now I’ve eaten about a hundred cupcakes because they’re there right in front of me with pink icing and sprinkles and everything.

  ‘Are you going to tell me anything about your date?’ she retorts.

  ‘Huh? What date?’

  She looks at me as though I’m mad. ‘Your date with Miles! The hunk from Chasing Chords.’

  ‘OK, please don’t ever use the word “hunk” again. And that wasn’t a date!’

  ‘He made the effort to come to your little Norfolk village and ask you out for lunch,’ she says, raising her eyebrows. ‘That sounds like a date to me. Don’t think I didn’t notice the flirtation between you two. I was pressed up against the office door with a cup to my ear, listening to every word you said.’

  ‘MUM!’ I throw a cushion at her. ‘You know that’s an invasion of privacy.’

  ‘Well, I wanted to see if my theory was correct! And I was right. You like him.’

  ‘OK, conversation finished. I’m going back to my movie,’ I say, my cheeks burning hot.

  ‘If you tell me about your date, I’ll tell you about mine.’

  I let out a long sigh. ‘Mum, it really wasn’t a date. He just happened to be in Norwich to meet that producer and Chase had obviously told him about Neptune Records. He wanted to go and visit it because I guess that’s what talented people like Chase, Miles and Nina do in their spare time. Flick through dusty old records. He was being polite asking me out for lunch. Maybe he felt sorry for me.’

  ‘Why would he feel sorry for you?’ she asks, her eyebrows knitted together.

  ‘Plenty of reasons,’ I say. ‘Mainly, everyone else knows what they’re doing and I’m left behind, with no direction.’

  ‘You have plenty of direction! It’s all right not to have your entire life worked out by the age of fifteen, Nancy.’ She chuckles. ‘Your path will work itself out.’

  ‘Mum, do you know what someone at school called me the other day?’

  She takes a stab at guessing. ‘Nina?’

  I roll my eyes. ‘Well, yeah, that happens all the time, but that’s not what I’m talking about. They referred to me as the other one. The other one! As though it didn’t matter what my name was. Nina is the main twin and I’m the other one. I HAVE to get my name back on the map. Don’t worry, though – I have a plan.’

  ‘I see. And what’s the plan?’

  ‘The website,’ I state proudly. ‘The one I’m going to launch with Layla and Sophie. As soon as we have that up and running, everyone is going to be talking about it and my amazing music section. I’ll be popular again, win the competition and have an amazing time behind the scenes of the Disney Channel. I will no longer be irrelevant. I’ll stand out again. It’s an excellent plan.’

  Mum nods thoughtfully. ‘It sounds like you’ve got it all worked out. Did you tell Miles about this plan?’

  ‘No, why would I tell him? And, anyway, I only thought of the plan this morning. I hadn’t come up with it yesterday.’

  ‘I just thought that he’d probably have the same thoughts about the plan that I do.’ She smiles warmly at me. ‘You already stand out beautifully, Nancy. You don’t need to be popular or launch a successful website or get an internship for that.’

  ‘Mum,’ I groan, ‘you’re my mum. Of course, you’re going to say that. Didn’t you hear my story about what I was called at school the other day? My life is currently a big fat nothing. I need to do something about it otherwise I’ll go crazy.’

  ‘Well, I have to say, it’s lovely to see you so dedicated to the competition, but as long as you do it for the right reasons,’ she says. ‘So, if you didn’t chat to Miles about the website, what did you talk about?’

  ‘Not much. Mainly how nice it’s been for him to have a little break from the band. He’s excited to start work on some new songs for the band with Chase, though.

  ‘It was quite funny actually,’ I went on, ‘because while he was talking I saw he had a tiny spider on his shoulder and when I pointed it out he yelped and jumped up, knocking the table, which then made his drink spill everywhere. It was HILARIOUS. I couldn’t stop laughing and he was like, “Nancy, it’s not funny! Get it off! Where’s the spider gone? WHERE IS IT?” And his panicked expression just made me laugh ten times harder until I was crying.

  ‘By now everyone in the cafe was staring at us and this old guy went, “There’s no spider there, mate. It’s gone.” And then Miles thanked him and sat back down and I was still laughing, and he started to see the funny side and then he started laughing, too.

  ‘Anyway, we got him a new drink and I told him that he shouldn’t feel embarrassed because that teeny tiny spider was, after all, potentially a MASSIVE TARANTULA in disguise and he could have DIED.

  ‘But in the end he got his own back because, as we walked out, there was a pigeon on the street pecking at a chip and I got the heebie-jeebies and then had to admit my fear of pigeons, and the whole time we were walking Miles kept yelling, “NANCY, DUCK! A PIGEON FLYING AT YOUR HEAD!” and I kept ducking in a panic, but obviously he was joking.

  ‘I told him about that whole boy-who-cried-wolf thing and that he shouldn’t joke about such serious stuff, but whatever – he seemed to find it VERY funny. Then he made a call for a car to pick him up to take him back to Norwich station and I teased him about being this precious celebrity who couldn’t take public transport, and he was so insulted that he cancelled the car and insisted on taking the bus. Which I obviously had to take with him because he’s so useless; he was trying to get on one going in the complete opposite direction. It was quite cute actually.

  ‘Wait –’ I pause and turn to look at Mum – ‘what was the question again?’

  She smiles at me in a knowing way. I stare back.

  ‘What? Why are you looking at me like that?’

  ‘Nothing,’ she says. ‘It sounds like you had a good day.’

  ‘It was fine,’ I say quickly, realizing I’d just been talking for ages about pigeons and spiders. ‘More importantly, how was your date?’

  ‘Oh, Nancy, it was simply wonderful,’ she says, her eyes going all misty. ‘We had such a fun night. We went to this little Italian restaurant and the food was delicious, and there were no a
wkward pauses in the conversation at all! It’s refreshing to meet someone and be so comfortable around them, you know? And then he suggested we go dancing and I told him that I did happen to be the 1988 East Anglia Amateur Dance Competition Mambo Champion, as you know, but that I hadn’t been dancing properly in years, so off we went to this club.’

  ‘You went to a club?’

  ‘Yes, I did, and let me tell you, darling daughter, I can still shake up a dance floor.’

  ‘OK, Mum, you need to stop talking now, otherwise I’m going to need therapy,’ I say, as she starts giggling. ‘It sounds like you really like this guy. Any chance I get to meet him?’

  ‘Not yet,’ she says stubbornly. ‘It’s still too early to be introducing him to my children.’

  ‘We’re not children any more, Mum,’ I assure her. ‘We can handle it, you know.’

  We hear the sound of the key in the door. After a few minutes, Nina comes into the sitting room, headphones round her neck as always, and slumps down into an armchair, closing her eyes.

  ‘Hey, Nina,’ I say, chuckling. ‘You look tired.’

  ‘I am exhausted.’ She opens her eyes to smile at us. ‘But I’m happy to be home.’

  ‘How was Guildhall?’

  ‘It was OK.’

  Mum and I share a look. Mum quickly grabs the plate of cupcakes and holds them out for her. She takes one gratefully and begins to nibble round the edge.

  If someone was struggling to tell the difference between me and Nina, a good way would be to give us some kind of treat, like a chocolate bar or baked product, and watch how we go about eating it. She eats those things as though she’s some kind of squirrel, nibbling the edges and saving the best bit until last, like she’s really thought it through. I just go for it without any thought whatsoever and then have to sit for ages, enviously watching her finish hers.

  ‘The invitation to your big showcase arrived in the post yesterday,’ Mum says, causing Nina to wince. ‘You’re such a star, Nina! I’m very excited already.’

  ‘Great,’ Nina says as enthusiastically as she can muster. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to play. It has to be something amazing. I suppose I can think about it while I practise standing.’

  ‘Practise standing? Ooooh, are you going to play the piano standing up, like Jamie Cullum? You know, when he gets really into the jazz and kicks the piano stool away. That would be AWESOME.’

  ‘No, Nancy, I have to play serious stuff,’ she says, laughing at me. ‘How was your weekend?’

  ‘Nancy is teaming up with Layla and Sophie for the website competition,’ Mum tells her. ‘And she’s going to win it and become a big Disney star.’

  ‘You’re what?’ Nina looks stunned. ‘Why are you teaming up with them?’

  ‘Because they asked and, when I thought about it, it seemed like a good idea,’ I say. ‘I think we may have a chance of winning. It’s a lifestyle website and I’m going to be the music editor, as well as helping with fashion and style tips. You know, like on my Instagram.’

  Nina nods, her face pensive. ‘I guess that is quite a cool idea and really good experience. Jimmy is entering the competition too, although I don’t think his will be a lifestyle website, so you don’t need to worry.’

  ‘What’s his website going to be?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she admits, rubbing her neck. ‘I haven’t had the chance to speak to him all weekend. I’m a terrible friend. How was your date, Mum?’

  ‘I was just telling Nancy about how lovely it was,’ Mum says, smiling broadly.

  ‘Do we get to meet him this week?’

  ‘Nancy asked that, too, and I’m afraid I’d like to wait a little bit longer before I introduce him to my girls.’

  ‘Yeah, probably a good idea,’ Nina says. ‘We don’t want Nancy scaring him off.’

  I narrow my eyes at her. ‘You know, I just threw my cushion at Mum, but otherwise I’d be throwing it at you right now.’

  ‘Here we go, darling,’ Mum says, handing me the cushion.

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’ I throw it at Nina, who catches it, laughing, before throwing it straight back at me.

  ‘Why don’t you ask Nancy how her date went?’ Mum says to Nina.

  ‘You went on a date? With who? You didn’t tell me about this!’

  ‘It was not a date,’ I emphasize, shooting Mum a glare, but she smiles happily back at me. ‘Miles popped by the shop yesterday and we went for a quick lunch before he had to head back to London, but it was just a catch up. Mum, if it gets back to Chase that I’m calling it a date, he’ll tell Miles and it will be MORTIFYING.’

  Mum giggles. ‘All right, all right - it was “just a catch up”,’ she says unconvincingly.

  ‘Do you want me to throw the cushion at you again?’

  ‘What was Miles doing in Norfolk?’ Nina asks.

  ‘He was in Norwich for a meeting with that producer. You must know that already though, right? Chase must have been there, too.’

  ‘Oh. Um. Yes, yeah, he must have been,’ she says, looking distracted.

  I’m about to tell her all about the spider incident, because I know that will cheer her up, when the doorbell goes.

  ‘I didn’t know Chase was coming this evening, Nina,’ Mum says, pushing herself up off the sofa and heading out of the room.

  ‘He’s not,’ Nina replies. ‘Maybe it’s Jimmy. Or perhaps it’s Miles, “popping by”.’

  ‘Don’t you start,’ I huff. ‘Maybe it’s Mum’s new boyfriend.’

  We hear Mum open the door and there’s a few moments of silence before we hear her shutting the door.

  ‘That’s weird,’ I say, as Nina nods in agreement. ‘Did she just slam the door in someone’s face?’

  Nina gets up and peers out into the hallway at the front door.

  ‘No,’ she informs me, coming to sit back down again. ‘She’s out there with whoever it is as well. Must want to talk to them in private.’

  ‘It HAS to be her boyfriend!’ I squeal. ‘Shall we spy on them? We can finally see who it is!’

  ‘How are we going to do that?’ Nina points out, laughing at my excited expression. ‘There’s no good vantage point of the front step anywhere in the house.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes. The first time Chase came over, I was so nervous and excited that I ran to every window that looked out that way to check whether or not he was here yet and none of them look directly on to the front step.’

  I blink at her, taking in this new information. ‘Wow, Nina. I knew you were a loser but I did not know you were THAT bad.’

  ‘Give me back that cushion to throw at you again.’

  The door opens and we hear Mum say, ‘Come in,’ before there are footsteps in the hall.

  ‘She’s introducing him to us!’ I hiss at Nina, sitting up and checking my hair. ‘Try to act normal!’

  ‘You try to act normal!’ she whispers back, jumping up and racing across the room to sit with me on the sofa.

  Mum appears in the doorway as Nina plonks herself at my side, and we both smile at her in what is hopefully an angelic and non-intimidating way.

  ‘Girls,’ she says, looking ghostly pale. ‘Someone is here to see you.’

  She steps aside to let them in. A sandy-haired, tall man wearing a sharp, tailored suit comes into the sitting room, offering us a watery-eyed smile.

  It’s him.

  He looks a bit different now, obviously, having aged. And his hair is shorter than I remember. But it’s definitely him. Standing right in front of us, after all this time.

  ‘Dad,’ Nina whispers, instinctively grabbing my hand.

  I take it and hold it tight.

  ‘Hi, girls,’ he says timidly. ‘Wow. Look at you. You’re so grown up.’

  There’s a long pause as we just stare at him and he looks down at his feet, unsure of what to do. I’ve thought of this moment before. What it would be like to see Dad again after all these years. I even googled him a couple of times and the
n would sit staring at his stupid business profile, before closing the page and telling myself not to do that again. I used to go through all the things I’d say to him in my head, a long list of mistakes that he made and moments that he’s missed.

  Now that he’s finally here, right in front of me, I have no idea where to start. Is this actually happening? Is he really here? What do you say to someone after almost seven years? When the shock begins to subside, I’m hit by a flood of overwhelming emotion.

  I suddenly have a massive headache and want to cry.

  ‘Why are you here?’ I blurt out, anger starting to bubble up uncontrollably inside me. ‘What are you doing here? You left.’

  ‘I know. You have every right to be angry. But I … well, I know it’s your birthday coming up and I had a sort of epiphany, I suppose.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I’m here because I want to be back in your lives. I’ve been a terrible father and I know I don’t deserve it, but I want a second chance to be a dad. I’ve missed you. I’ve never stopped thinking about you.’

  We all stare at him, his words hanging in the silence.

  ‘Sorry, I know this must be a bit of a shock,’ he adds.

  ‘You had an epiphany,’ I say eventually, shaking my head in disbelief. ‘Are you serious? That’s what you’re leading with?’

  ‘I … I know this is all a bit sudden,’ he says in an uneasy voice. ‘But –’

  ‘You can’t just turn up here!’

  ‘I didn’t know the best way of going about this,’ he says, his brow deeply furrowed. ‘I thought about calling, but it didn’t seem right not to come in person. Look, it’s no excuse, but when I left your mother I was very young and stupid. I got caught up in work. I have a very high-stress job and I lost sight of what was important.’

  ‘Right,’ I say. ‘And it has taken you all these years to realize that.’

  ‘Like I said, it’s no excuse,’ he admits, nodding. ‘Over the years it got harder and harder to build up the courage to come to you and ask to be a part of your lives again. I didn’t think you’d be interested after everything I’ve missed.’

  ‘You were right.’