It all came rushing back to me as wave after wave of grief hit me like a tsunami.
He couldn’t be dead. He just couldn’t. What was I going to tell my poor, sweet Sophie?
“How,” I managed to croak out past my tears.
Surely there had to have been some accident. A fall or maybe he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught in something he shouldn’t have been in.
“O… o… overdose,” Marge stuttered.
Just like that my world fell apart.
Again.
* * *
“Maybe we should go inside,” Xavier suggested while he unlocked the door and gently guided our group inside.
Still numb from the realization that Kevin was gone, I perched on the edge of the couch in the living room almost in a daze. There was no real way to come to terms with this news. Since meeting Xavier, Kevin had been pushed to the back of my mind but there was always some part of me that knew he was still there. Still someone I could reach out to if I chose. Still someone that could eventually be a father to Sophie.
“I’m never going to know why he didn’t want us,” I whispered as tears began flowing down my face in earnest.
Kevin never contacted me after going away and he was too far away for me to visit in the beginning. We had both decided it would be best for Sophie to not go there. Once I had some money again, I was too bitter to go. Then all the things that happened since becoming involved with Xavier took precedence.
God, I was a horrible wife. Not only had I not called or visited him, but I was seriously involved with another man while still married to him.
I gripped my stomach as it churned with disgust and sadness. If I wasn’t careful, my lunch was going to end up all over Xavier’s fancy rug. The fact that I was even worried about it seemed ludicrous to me and only served to make me cry harder.
Marge’s slender arms wrapped around me. In the distance I could hear Xavier and Tom murmuring to one another from the other side of the room. I had no idea how fast or slow time was going. All I knew was the pain and confusion that Kevin’s death was causing.
“He loved you,” Marge reassured me over and over again.
“Then why didn’t he communicate with us?”
She pulled back and looked me in the eyes. Hers were filled with confusion when she said, “He did. All the time.”
Wiping the tears and snot from my face, I shook my head in disbelief. She had to be confused.
“How is that possible? I never once received a phone call or even a letter.”
“Alyssa, he wrote you letters all the time. At least one a day.” Her face twisted a little in disappointment. “Toward the end anyway. In the beginning, he was too foolhardy to admit how wrong his actions were.”
Dumbfounded, I could only stare at her while my brain tried to process everything she was saying. Clearly, she was losing her mind.
“I’m telling you, my boy loved you and Sophie. Right down to the bottom of his soul, Alyssa. He did not abandon you.” Her eyes took in the room and landed on Xavier. The implications of her words slammed into my chest like a two-ton brick.
It wasn’t Kevin who abandoned me. It was me who abandoned Kevin. The very fact we were having this conversation in another man’s home made that fact clear as day.
I covered my mouth and stood to go to the bathroom at the same moment Xavier joined us, saying, “Candy is bringing Sophie back after the movies.”
“Excuse me,” I murmured making a dash for the half bath.
Landing hard on my knees, I slid along the floor in the direction of the toilet. The lid was lifted just as I could no longer hold back. Purging the contents of my stomach over and over again, I felt hysterical and out of control. Tears flowed down my face and my whole body bucked.
I sensed Xavier before I actually heard him. He gathered my hair gently at the back of my head and rubbed my back as I began dry heaving now that nothing was left of our lunch.
“You need to calm down,” he whispered in my ear.
With my grip tight on the edge of the toilet bowl, I took a deep breath and nodded. Sensing I was pulling myself together, he got up to wet a washcloth before placing it on the back of my neck.
Feeling exhausted, I rested my forehead on the cool porcelain and tried to settle my riotous emotions. It wouldn’t do well for Sophie to see me so upset. She was going to have her own emotions to work through. I needed to be strong for her, which meant I had to set aside my grief for now.
“I’m sorry,” I finally murmured.
Xavier’s hand gripped my chin and pulled my face up so I had no choice but to look him in the eye. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you hear me?”
I nodded and cast my eyes sideways. He didn’t understand. Xavier lived his life as he pleased and damned anyone who disagreed with him. I had made vows and commitments, then tossed them aside as soon as it was convenient for me.
“Look at me,” he demanded. When I refused, he gripped my chin again and repeated, “Look at me.”
When I finally did, he placed a light kiss on the tip of my nose. “You have nothing to be sorry for. He left you to fend for yourself long before he went to prison. He stuck a needle in his arm time and again knowing he was going to lose your precious little girl if he kept doing it. If you weren’t as strong-willed as you are, you and Sophie might be on the streets somewhere. I refuse to think of that possibility. It makes me want to hurt someone or something knowing what could have been if you hadn’t found The Den.”
“Marge said—”
“I don’t give a shit what she said,” he interrupted forcefully. He moved his hands to rest on either side of my head. His face leaned in close to emphasize his point. “You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.”
Knowing I had a fight on my hands and feeling too exhausted to argue, I chose to let it go. Xavier would never agree to anyone else’s way of thinking. Especially in regards to Sophie and me. With a slight shake of my head, I pulled back and made to stand.
“That’s my girl.” He smiled and helped me from the floor. “Why don’t you clean yourself up a little? Sophie will be here soon.”
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“Hey.” He gripped my arm as I moved toward the door to go to our room. “I love you.”
What I didn’t do was tell him the same. Instead, I let him pull me into his embrace. His warmth and strength were something I knew I would always need. Always crave. And knowing that made the knife of guilt twist even deeper in my gut.
After going to the bathroom, I washed my face and put on a quick dusting of makeup in order to cover up the red blotches on my cheeks from crying. It was several minutes later when I heard raised voices coming from down the hall.
Abandoning the knot I was tying in my hair, I ran out of the bedroom toward the living room. I skidded to a halt when I saw Marge squaring off with Xavier, while Tom tried inserting himself between the two.
“That girl is married to my son while living under your roof,” Marge shouted at him. “My granddaughter does not belong in the home of another man.”
“Maybe your son should have taken care of what was his. Now they’re mine and I plan on doing just that.” Xavier crossed his arms and planted his feet in a wide stance.
“You’d speak so ill of the dead?” Her voice was shrill when she asked that question.
“What’s going on?” I waded in, choosing to stand next to the grouping rather than making it look like I was choosing a side.
“Your man,” she spat out, “was just telling us what a fuckup Kevin was and that what happens with you and Sophie is none of our business.”
I cringed at the way that conversation probably went and shot daggers at Xavier for having it in the first place. This day was getting worse and worse by the second, which sucked because it had started out so nicely.
Why can’t we just have some peace already?
“I’m sure you mistook what he said,” I tried.
“She summed it up rath
er well actually,” Xavier cut in, effectively ruining any attempt at defusing the situation.
“You aren’t helping,” I snapped, making his eyebrows draw together and the corner of his lips twitch like he was fighting a grin. “Marge, I’m not going to discuss mine and Kevin’s relationship or lack thereof with you. I know you mean well and love Sophie, but I’m her mother and know what’s best for her.”
This all felt like a repeat of the events that took place when Kevin was sent to prison. His parents clung desperately to the old Kevin who was attentive, caring and responsible, instead of choosing to help the new Kevin who was addicted to drugs and throwing everything away. They blamed me for being insensitive and for not understanding their boy. They accused me of being a terrible wife when I drew the line with Kevin. Then of being an unfit mother when I was having trouble supporting Sophie after Kevin wiped our bank accounts clean.
The memory of it all wiped some of the guilt away and filled me once again with anger and resentment, as it did whenever I dwelled on the situation. They had no right to stand there and judge me when they never lifted a finger to help me back then.
“Maybe what’s best for her is living with us where we can keep Kevin’s memory alive,” she announced indignantly and I swear my heart stopped beating. She would do that. Fight me for her. With Kevin being gone, Sophie was all they had left and if Marge wanted custody of her granddaughter, Tom would stop at nothing to give that to her. I once found that an admirable trait of his. Now I found it downright terrifying.
“It’ll be over my dead body that girl ever leaves Aurora’s care.”
“Who’s Aurora?” She demanded to know and I cringed before opening my mouth to speak. Xavier got that first.
“She’s Aurora. Make note of it.”
“What is he talking about?” Tom chimed in.
“It’s a long story and one I’m not getting into right now. Just know my nickname of sorts is Aurora.”
“All these indiscretions and secrets. It took us days just to track you down and then we find you here playing house with this… this thug. Tom, I think Sophie—”
“Is staying right the fuck here,” Xavier barked, effectively cutting her off.
I chanced a glance at the man and he was downright petrifying to look at. The ominous vibes pouring off him in waves would make even the hardest individual want to pee his pants. He was reminiscent of the Incredible Hulk right before he turned—angry eyes, bulging muscles, balled up fists.
Tom noted the change in the room and swallowed hard before gripping Marge’s hand and pulling her into his side.
“I think we better be going, Marge.”
“But—,” she began, yet again not cluing in on the severity of the situation.
“We’ll talk about it later,” he inserted. “Alyssa, we’re staying at the Holiday Inn. Will you please bring Sophie by to see us?”
“Of course,” I answered quickly. I needed some time to think and that wasn’t going to happen with them there. It would be much simpler to let everyone cool their heads and meet up again on neutral territory.
After they left, I shook off Xavier’s hand on my shoulder and spun on my heel to face him. With a finger jabbed into his chest, I screamed at the top of my lungs, “You son of a bitch!”
It was then I let loose, my fists wailing on him with as much strength as I could muster up. I so badly wanted to beat the crap out of him and make him feel even one iota of the pain I felt. He could be such a cold, callous bastard sometimes and I just wanted him to hurt.
“What the fuck?” He barked before gripping my fists in his hands and subduing me far too easily.
“How dare you speak to my in-laws that way?” I screeched. My body twisting and turning to try and break free of his hold.
“They aren’t your in-laws any longer.”
“Fuck you!” Slamming my heel on the top of his foot, I caught him off guard enough to break from his hold. I didn’t make it more than two steps when his arms clamped around mine, pinning them to my side. He maneuvered us a few feet to the right and pinned me against the wall, head to toe. That was when the tears started coming again.
“I’m going to let your physical abuse go, considering all the shit that happened today,” he whispered in my ear, making me scoff. He’d let it go? Whatever. “I’m not the enemy. Emotions are running high right now for everyone, but you have to keep a straight head.”
“Me keep a straight head? How about you not antagonize Kevin’s parents into trying to get custody of Sophie?”
“They aren’t going to take our girl. Trust me on that. I’d never let it happen.”
“There are some things in life that even the great, all-powerful Xavier O’Brien can’t control,” I snidely informed him.
“Want to bet me on that?”
“God, I hate how conceited you are.”
“Aurora, you’re upset and angry and you’re taking it out on me,” he informed me.
“Whatever,” I muttered right before the fight left my body and exhaustion took over. When he felt the change in me, he released me long enough to bend down and with an arm around my back and one under my knees, he lifted me into his arms. Burying my head in the crook of his neck, I let him carry me into the bedroom.
Once he laid me on the bed, he covered me with a throw before joining me. With my head on his chest, I closed my eyes and let the sweet way he rubbed my head lull me into a state of numbness. I really didn’t know how much more shit I could take life throwing my way. Things were supposed to get easier for us now. Not harder.
“Please don’t let them take her from me,” I whimpered. There was no way I could live without my daughter. None.
“I’d never let that happen.” His tone was resolute and I took a small amount of comfort in it, but I needed more.
Lifting my head, I locked eyes with him and said, “Promise me.”
“I promise,” he vowed without blinking an eye.
“Thank you.” My head returned to its position on his chest and I waited for my little girl to come home.
* * *
Xavier
Xavier O’Brien hung up the phone and walked back into the darkened room. The moonlight cast a soft glow on a sleeping Aurora with an equally dead to the world Sophie tucked into her arms. It would be over his dead body that Marge and Tom Swanson ever laid a hand on that little girl.
On that thought, he joined his girls in bed and waited for the events he set in motion to occur.
The next morning, he watched in satisfaction as Marge and Tom Swanson apologized to a pleasantly surprised and extremely relieved Aurora for threatening to take her daughter away from her.
Chapter Seventeen
Aurora
“Hi.” I embraced Ruth in a tight hug when she opened the door for Sophie and me. Her smile radiated warmth and affection as she moved from me to my daughter. Behind her, Mikey bounced up and down, anxious to get to Sophie.
“Come in, come in,” she finally told us after releasing Sophie from her arms.
We followed her into her apartment and I was hit by a sudden wave of nostalgia. How many times had she watched Sophie for me? How many nights had we spent here because I had no food? Too many to count. I owed Ruth for a lot. Her motherly kindness and giving spirit were something I cherished dearly.
A small part of me was a bit anxious at visiting Ruth. The last time I was there, I had been nervous as hell that she wouldn’t accept me and my choices after learning what The Den really was. Now, while I knew I wanted her in my life and her opinion meant the world to me, I also knew that no matter what I wasn’t going to change for anybody.
Life was too short and too much had happened for me to pretend to be something I wasn’t. And I’d be damned if someone made me feel bad for the choices I had made. Each and every one had its purpose. I wouldn’t be who I was today if I had done things differently.
And honestly? I was one bad bitch.
It may have taken me a long time to fi
gure that out, but this damn butterfly had sprung and was ready to fly.
“Can we go play in my room?” Mikey asked excitedly as he shuffled from one foot to the next. Sophie’s little hand was wrapped around his while she echoed his excitement.
“Yes,” Ruth answered and the two tots sprung down the hall like their lives depended on it. “No jumping on the bed,” she shouted after them and I giggled in relief at how familiar it felt.
Ruth motioned for me to follow her into the kitchen. Sitting at the table as she busied herself at the stove, I felt myself release a breath and relax a little. This was Ruth, after all, and at the end of the day we would be okay.
“Tea?” she asked while pulling a box out of the cupboard.
“Sure,” I replied and then offered to help, knowing she would brush it off.
“You’re my guest,” was all she told me and I bit back my grin.
“How’s work going?” I asked her as she brought the water to boil.
“It’s work,” she tossed over her shoulder. “There’s an opening at the restaurant again if you’re interested. The girl Tyrone hired after he fired you walked out last week.”
“I have a job,” I reminded her.
She scoffed and turned so that her butt was resting against the counter. Leveling her gaze on me, I steeled myself for what I knew was sure to come.
“That’s not a respectable job, Alyssa. There are other ways of providing for your family.”
I held up my hand and stopped her. “I realize there are other ways of earning a paycheck. And I know that you only want what is best for me, but I’m telling you The Den is what’s best for me. I found a home there, with friends who feel like family.”
“But—” she tried to interrupt.
“No buts. I’m serious with this Ruth. I love you and love how much you care about Sophie and me. Without you, I’m not sure where we’d be. But I cannot sit here and listen to you speak ill about Xavier, his business or any of the people that work there. You of all people should know better than to judge.”
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