The Orc Wife

by S. J. Sanders

  “Mate, why are your brothers always trying to threaten my life with some flimsy weapon or another? Do they wish me to correct them?”

  I snicker into his arm, relishing in the feel of the thick, rough skin there against my own.

  “Don’t mind them. Both my brothers live at home and I think it has made them both a bit unhinged. Cost of living up here is difficult to get a place on your own. It unfortunately leaves them with way too much time on their hands and overactive imaginations.”

  “A month in our village would be far more productive for them.”

  “Don’t say that too loudly. I think Jake would take it as an invitation and start packing his things to ‘document’ orc lifestyles and culture.”

  He thinks of it and nods. “I think that would be a highly beneficial thing, if he can control his wayward impulses and not threaten anyone else with swords as he did upon our meeting. Not all orcs will be so forgiving.”

  I sit up slightly and peer at him. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes,” he says firmly. “It would be good for orcs to share our culture with humans, and good to give your brother something constructive to do. Who knows—he may like life in the village. There are many young females in the clan that are about his age.”

  “Oh, good gods, well I’m not so sure about the females part, but yes, I can well imagine that my brother will be very, very happy to be there indeed.” I am not entirely sure how to tell him that my brother doesn’t swing that way. Although, by the way Ferli and Jake have been sitting so close together whispering and looking at each other, I can’t imagine it would be a huge shock. “We’d probably never get rid of him.” I giggle and land a kiss on his jaw. “You’re so good to my family, sweetie.”

  “Of course.”

  Chapter 23

  Sammi

  I wake to a shrill voice calling my name at some ungodly hour of the morning. I peel my eyes open and look at the clock. Oh. Not so early after all. It’s well past ten.

  “Auntie Sammi!” the tiny voice shrills, and I recognize it immediately.

  I scramble off Orgath, making him grunt when my knee accidentally connects with his stomach in my haste. He yawns and yanks on his breeches, and I scurry into a clean tunic. Once I know he’s decently covered, I throw open the door and scoop up the mini tornado rushing my way.

  “What do I have here? Is this my Boukie? Really? It can’t be Boukie,” I say as the six-year-old nods vigorously, an impish smile on her face. She isn’t really my niece but my best friend’s daughter. Although her name is really Rebecca—Becky for short—somehow Boukie just stuck ever since she was a mischievous toddler. And where there is Boukie, there’s my buddy Kate, close behind. Of course, my family would have made sure to let her know that I am home.

  Kate doesn’t hesitate to sweep me into an enthusiastic bear hug, her dark braid slapping me in the face, but I don’t mind. Over her shoulder, I see Cavek lurking, his long, thin pointed ears turned toward her with interest, his nostrils flaring. I give him a dirty look over her shoulder which he completely ignores. I’m going to have to sic Orgath on him if he bothers Kate.

  She finally pulls back, swiping tears from her eyes.

  “I can’t believe that bastard lied to all of us. I am so pissed right now I’d like to hand him his a—” her eyes flick down to Boukie, listening with wide-eyed interest. “—Argh!” she growls in frustration. “Booty. I would like to hand him his booty,” she amends, and the six-year-old starts giggling. Booty is always funny to a six-year-old.

  Boukie tugs on my hand eagerly. “Nana Lucy made pancakes. Hurry before the other big ones eat it all. Have you seen them?” Her eyes grow huge with wonder. “They are the most giganticus peoples I have ever in my whole life saw!”

  I ruffle her feathering brown hair and giggle. “Yes, I have,” I confide. “They are orcs. My husband is an orc. His name is Orgath.”

  She peers over my shoulder, her mouth rounding as she stares upward. “Is that him?!” she squeals.

  Orgath crouches down and holds his palm out to her.

  “Hello, tiny human.”

  She immediately releases me and grabs ahold of his hand with both of hers. “Hello, Ogre. I am Boukie.”

  “Orgath,” he corrects firmly. Yeah, don’t call an orc and ogre, apparently.

  “Ogre-ass?”

  “No, Or-gath.”

  “Orgath, okay. Hi, Orgath. I am Boukie. My name is really Becky. Well, for really reals it is Rebecca, but Becky is supposed to be my nickname, but no one calls me that—just Boukie,” she finished with a pleased smile.

  I peer at my husband to see how much of that he caught. Apparently enough, because he has an infatuated grin on his face.

  “It is very nice to meet you, Boukie,” he says solemnly.

  She looks at him critically. “You are very pretty. Not as pretty as the big green man with the purple hair, but you are still pretty.” She turns her attention to Cavek.

  “Can I braid your hair after breakfast?” she asks him innocently. Cavek blinks down at her and begins to slowly grin, baring all his sharp teeth, his expression softening in obvious signs of his heart turning to goo confronted with the cuteness of Boukie in her full adorable glory. He nods his head, and she jumps up and down clapping her hands.

  “All right, let’s go eat. My belly is starving to deaths! Hurry!” she says and runs at full speed toward the dining room.

  Cavek slides up behind Kate, breathing her in deeply. Instead of being completely wigged out, Kate winks at him. I shouldn’t be surprised, really. Kate has always been more than a little adventurous. In fact, if memory serves, she often finds sexual appeal where I would have to squint really hard to see it. Boukie’s sperm donor was a heavily tattooed and pierced biker that Kate had a fling with until he got thrown into prison from setting his toe outside the law one time too many. After that, she doesn’t consider any man good enough for her little Boukie to actually consider keeping.

  “If you want to eat, you better hurry,” Momma calls out from the kitchen. Orgath grabs my arm from behind and steers me in that direction.

  “I’m not letting those two out of my sight. It looks like a disaster in the making between them,” I hiss lowly to Orgath. His lips twitch, but he shakes his head.

  “Sammi, if they decide to mate, you are not going to be able to stop it, so cease worrying and fussing over it. You need to feed our babe.”

  Naturally, everyone looks up when we enter the dining room. The entire room is instantly charged with a kind of “knowing.” There are no secrets whatsoever in this family, not with these thin walls. What I didn’t expect were the wolf whistles from my brothers, and the smirks on the faces of the orcs. Even Cavek is leering playfully at us as he takes a seat beside Katie, with Boukie in a stool between them happily shoving a pancake into her mouth.

  Orgath growls about the virtues of good solid stone walls beside me as we take our seats at the table. Momma sets a plate in front of both of us overflowing with pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausages. I don’t think she’s ever given me so much food at one time.

  “To help you rebuild that energy, dear,” she says with a playful wink, and I just want to die right there.

  To my mortification, Orgath just nods at my side, putting away food with gusto. “She is right, wife. You need to eat more. The babe is going to require far more than the paltry amounts you eat.”

  My mother nearly drops her spatula on the table as she shovels another pancake onto Bodi’s plate. He’s no longer paying us any mind now that he’s focused on his rapidly refilling plate. Momma loves to feed people. Each and every one of these guys have wormed their way into her heart just by appreciating her cooking. Even Erra, with her enthusiastic questing for recipes, has drawn more than one smile out of her. Now the full weight of her attention is firmly on me, and I don’t know if her expression is one of horror or just shock.

  “You are pregnant?” she says slowly.

  I nod my head, trying to stee
l myself against whatever might shoot out of her mouth.

  “You are pregnant with my grandchild and you didn’t tell me?” Her lower lip begins to quiver.

  “Honestly, I just didn’t think of it. A lot happened yesterday.” Frankly, I wasn’t sure how she would handle the idea of a half-orc grandchild—not that I’m going to even breathe a word of that to her.

  She sucks her lip in, blinks her eyes a few times and then switches gears like a pro. “Well that is such exciting news, Samantha! I understand you’re just here for a few days, but we will have to do some baby shopping before you go.” She looks at Orgath critically. “I imagine we will have to get bigger baby clothes. Somehow I don’t think newborn sizes will fit a half-orc baby. You will certainly need bottles, cloth diapers since I imagine disposables will be difficult there, but they do make the cutest Velcro diapers now—oh yes, and binkies and booties—”

  Orgath looks completely enthralled as my mother rattles on and I settle back into my chair, relaxing. Momma is now completely in her element. Watching Momma plot and plan is kinda like watching a natural disaster progress. You can see it coming but just can’t look away. Even Erra is leaning forward with interest. I seize gleefully on the opportunity to present momma with another project. I certainly don’t want to be the sole subject of her full focus.

  “You know—Erra is pregnant too. I’m sure it’ll be great for us to go shopping together,” I say with a smirk as the female shoots me a startled look. Oh yes, be afraid. Be very afraid. Shopping with my mother is like going about with a woman on a mission.

  “It’s no wonder Sammi is pregnant already, the way they were going at it last night. If that’s the norm, I bet she was knocked up within days,” Luke notes dryly, bringing attention right back to the topic I didn’t want to revisit. I glare death threats at my older brother, who smirks at me, forking a large bite of eggs into his mouth.

  Sensing my discomfort, Orgath frowns at my brother, making him choke when he attempted to breathe and swallow at the same time in response to that fierce glower.

  “Orcs do not reproduce quickly or easily. Every babe is welcome and cherished. If we did indeed breed our young within our first days together, all the better. We may well be blessed with many children. Or at least I pray that we are,” he says softly as he takes up my hand.

  I want to childishly stick my tongue out at Luke but restrain myself. I am, after all, about to be someone’s mother. I should at least behave with the tiniest bit of decorum.

  “Well, I’m sure you’ll get your wish if my sister continues to jump you like a howler monkey,” my brother dares to reply, an evil gleam in his eye.

  My mouth drops open. That ass! I grab a handful of the egg off my plate and unerringly throw it right into his face, the soft yolk breaking and running down his nose and cheeks.

  “Well, now you have egg on your face, you baboon’s ass,” I crow.

  Luke glowers and Momma’s eyes widen.

  “Luke, don’t you dare retaliate,” she says. A little too late. A gravy-soaked sausage flies across the table, completely misses me, and smacks Bodi, seated at my other side, across the face. He throws down his fork and growls, and I wonder for a second if my brother pissed himself. I almost think I would if I were the focus of that growl.

  Luke clears his throat nervously. “I think I best excuse myself. I need to change my underwear now.”

  Bodi’s brows jerk up and then he begins to snort, his shoulder shaking before letting loose loud bellows of laughter. The atmosphere lightens quickly as first Orgath, then Ferli and Erra join in the laughter. Before long, even my family is chuckling. Luke hobbles away from the table, muttering to himself. Cavek is the only one who doesn’t seem to notice, all his attention focused on Kate with a sort of single-minded intensity.

  ***

  Orgath

  Our second day in Ov’Ge is remarkably enjoyable. Despite the rough start, the afternoon passes without incident. David brings home more beer and introduces us to the favored past time of American humans called barbeque. It doesn’t seem like anything special to me. Many orcs cook over an open fire, but humans do make a certain ritual over it.

  David brings out this big metal device he says is his grill and lays out steaks with other meats he calls hamburgers and hotdogs out on the metal rack over hot coals. The sun does feel pleasant, and the females are in the kitchen making the appropriate foodstuffs for the ritual: fruit salad that is not a salad but a dessert Sammi says, baked beans with chunks of seasoned fat, and potato salad, which is also not a salad but is not a dessert either.

  Human barbeque rituals are confusing. So is the secret sauce that David keeps talking of as he brushes it over the meat.

  Nearby, Bouki squeals as Cavek chases her through the grass. I am not sure what I think of the situation between that male and Sammi’s friend Kate. I was reared to believe that mating was the business of no one outside of those involved, so I am hesitant to say anything to Cavek, despite Sammi’s misgivings.

  The female doesn’t object to his overtures and the child seems to enjoy his attention. Cavek also seems to take pleasure in the presence of the small human, even to the point of allowing her to braid his hair and tie clumsy bows with the multicolored ribbon that Lucy found for her.

  Cavek clearly would make a good and patient sire for the little one, seeing how, according to Sammi, she has none raising her. As Kate has no mate, it seems reasonable that Cavek should be allowed to pursue mating with her if they are both in agreement. I nod to myself, my mind settled on the matter.

  At my feet the tiny beast is growling again, attempting to bite at the thick leather of my boots. It seems to have a valued position in this house, but I have yet to determine what this is. I cannot see any particular use of the monstrosity, other than possessing a foul disposition. It wears a tiny pink band around its neck and is carried nearly everywhere. I curl my lip, bearing my large teeth and tusks, and growl back at it. The animal yips and ducks away. Lucy lures it back out of hiding with a small piece of the meat they call a hotdog.

  Ferli whispers at my side. “They call that tiny beast a dog, and the meat they call hotdog. Do you think it is from the same creature? Maybe Erra is right and it is an animal raised for butchering. It seems wasteful—that creature doesn’t look like it would make more than one or two of those hotdog things.”

  Sammi, overhearing from her place sprawled across me, snickers. “No, hot dogs are not made from dog. Dogs are pets. I don’t know why we call hotdogs what we do, but they’re made from various meats packed together.”

  Bodi snorts. “Seems unfortunate. At least if it were livestock it would have some purpose other than be carried around and pampered.”

  My mate starts to giggle harder. “Haven’t you ever had a pet? A real pet?”

  Ferli snorts a mocking sound. I give him a stern look and he quickly swallows it back and smiles ruefully. “We have our delfass. They are good animals and serve us well, many of them are our companions but we do not treat them as children.”

  Now Sammi makes a derisive noise. “Well, I got news for you. I’m going to bring home a kitten before we return. Not a delfass kitten—a normal furry cuddly kitten that needs to do nothing more than hunt mice and cuddle. Someone needs to bring the concept of domesticated pets to Ov’Gorg.”

  I grimace, dreading bringing home a useless creature that will demand to be fed, but I recognize that look on her face. There will be no winning with her mind set on the matter. I am marginally relieved that at least she is not insisting on a yapping chihuahua beast like her mother has.

  Chapter 24

  Sammi

  While Boukie plays with Cavek, Kate finally corners me in the kitchen sometime later. She watches as I slice the potatoes for the potato salad with a quirk of her brow.

  “Since when did you know how to cook?”

  “Since I was stranded in a J.R.R. Tolkien novel for weeks on end,” I joke.

  “Well, it doesn’t look like the
experience was a complete loss. You learned how to cook, got a huge beast of a man,” her eyes turn appreciatively toward Orgath and I feel a sudden possessive flash of anger. Kate takes in my murderous expression and laughs. “Oh, don’t look that way. I’m not angling for your man. Anyone can see he’s head over heels for you. And obviously you return the sentiment, I mean look at those wonderful matching tats you guys have. But do tell—how are they, you know, in the downstairs department? Are we talking boys-department or menswear?” Kate waggles her eyebrows suggestively.

  “More like Big and Tall,” I deadpan.

  “Nooo,” she draws, her eyes widening and sparkling with interest. “Oh my. As tempted as I may be to try one of those orcs of yours on for size, I think I’m more interested in the big green one.”

  “The troll, you mean.”

  “Yes him. Boukie seems quite taken with him, and after she’s done playing with him, I can teach him a few new games. He does look like a good candidate for a fun roll in the blankets. I don’t suppose you can tell me what he’s packing?”

  I choke. “Ah, no. Sorry. Somehow, I don’t think Orgath would be thrilled if I went around trying to get a gander at everyone’s equipment, and I can’t say I’ve ever been tempted to get a peek of what a troll’s dangly bits even look like. Not even mentioning that the only cock around here I want to make close observation of is the one that my mate comes equipped with.”

  “Hmm, maybe I’ll steal him away for an evening before you head back and satisfy my curiosity.”

  “Um, yeah. Okay. Just be careful, Kate. These guys aren’t human.”

  She laughs. “No need to tell me. I’m not looking to be a troll’s bride. I just want to have a little fun with something big and deadly between my legs.”

  I laugh. “You are such a slut.”

  Kate grins and takes a long sip of her beer. “We both know I am as pure as the driven snow.”

  “Yeah, driven on by a dozen different cars,” I counter teasingly, drawing out a long laugh from my best friend.