Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  Turn Exasperation Into Empathy

  “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.” – Homer Simpson (cartoon character)

  Actually Homer, if we don’t care, we’re probably not listening. Caring enough to listen is the key to turning impatience into empathy. One of my favorite examples of this comes from a workshop participant who wrote me after attending a Tongue Fu!® workshop. In his letter, he said:

  “My mother has been in a rest home for the last three years. I used to dread driving out to see her every Saturday because all she ever did was complain. She complained about her roommate. She complained that no one ever came to see her. She complained about her aches and pains.

  Then I asked myself, ‘How would I feel if I were in bed eighteen hours a day, seven days a week? How would I feel if I lived six feet away from someone I didn’t even like, who played the TV so loud I could hardly hear myself think? How would I feel if days went by and none of my children had an hour to come and visit me? How would I feel if every morning I woke up, I hurt, and I couldn’t see a day when that wasn’t going to be the case?’

  Asking, ’How would I feel?’ moved me out of my selfish frustration. When I took the time to consider what my mom’s days were like, when I stopped to think of all she’s done for me, I realized it’s the least I can do to spend a couple hours with her every Saturday and be more supportive.”

  He went on to say in that letter, “Sam, you suggested that instead of being problem reporters, we become problem solvers. Instead of complaining about what we don’t like,; why not create what we would like. I put myself in my mom’s shoes and realized that one of the reasons she complained so much was … she didn’t have anything else to talk about.

  You shared a quote from Queen Elizabeth who said, ‘Good memories are our second chance at happiness.’ That next Saturday, I took out a photo album to give my mom something else to talk about. One photo of this mountain cabin we went to every summer brought back an hour of good memories. A picture of this crazy uncle we had, had us laughing so hard, tears were streaming down our faces. Once I imagined what my mom’s life was like Sunday - Friday, I started getting creative about how we could both enjoy our Saturday visits instead of me sitting there, simmering, wishing she’d stop complaining.”

  More often than not, empathizing with someone rather than being angry with them, leads to a new awareness of why they’re acting the way they are. We often find that, once we take the time to consider their circumstances, they have reasons for doing what they do and saying what they say (and sometimes those reasons have nothing to do with us!).

  From now on, if you don’t like the way people are behaving, you have a choice. You can react (rash) and give them a piece of your mind, or you can take a second to see things from their perspective (wise), which will give you peace of mind. It’s up to you.

  How Are You Making People Feel?

  “They will never remember what you told them or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

  A reservations manager for a major hotel contributed her Tongue Fu!® Coup at the second meeting of our training. “Working the front desk can get frustrating sometimes because we’re the first point of contact. That means we hear about everything that’s gone wrong. We hear about late flights, lost bags, standing in line for rental cars. We even hear complaints about the weather! I’m tempted to tell them, ‘I’m not Mother Nature; there’s nothing I can do about the rain!’

  “The day after our session, an exhausted couple showed up at the front desk early in the morning and wanted to register. They explained they’d been flying all night, and couldn’t wait to fall into bed. I explained that check-in wasn’t until 3 pm, and it would be several hours before their room would be available.

  The young man lost it. ‘What do you mean, we can’t get our room? This is our honeymoon! We’ve been up for thirty-six hours straight. We’re so tired we can hardly stand up.’

  “I explained that we were 100 percent booked with a large convention and the group wasn’t expected to check out until after their closing luncheon. The newlywed threw a fit. He seemed to think if he yelled at me, I could somehow magically locate an empty suite for them. The more insistent he became, the more irritated I got.

  “I was about to lose my temper when I remembered our workshop and realized I was only considering how I felt. When I asked myself, ‘How would I feel if I was so tired I could hardly see straight and I was told I’d have to wait another six hours to get my room? How would I feel if Murphy’s Law decided to turn my romantic honeymoon into a nightmare?’

  “As soon as I experienced his side, I felt an outpouring of sympathy for him and his bride. A minute before he had been a pain in the neck; now I was able to forgive him because I empathized with his situation. I gave them a coupon for a complimentary breakfast buffet and arranged for them to use our hospitality suite so they could change into their bathing suits and nap on the beach. They came back later in the day and thanked me for being so helpful.”

  This hotel manager had found out that everyone wins when you use the Empathy Phrase. Instead of putting that difficult young man in his place, she had put herself in his place and was able to respond with compassion rather than contempt.

  Ask Yourself: “Why Are They Being Difficult?”

  “All the mistakes I have made have been the result of action without thought.” – Tongue Fu’ism

  Would you like to know another question that can help you forgive and forget?

  Simply ask yourself: “Why are they being difficult?”

  This one question has the power to help you think before you act – the key to responding with compassion instead of reacting with contempt.

  Years ago, when we lived in Maui, Hawaii, my son Andrew and I stopped by our local ice cream store to buy dessert for his birthday. The place was packed with people, ordering sundaes, milk shakes, or something complicated. A frazzled high school girl was the only one behind the counter. She was working as fast as she could, but the “hurrieder” she went, the “be-hinder” she got.

  After thirty long minutes, she finally called our number. I handed her our slip and asked for three quarts of chocolate chip ice cream. This request was obviously the last straw for the overworked employee. She put her hands on hips and said incredulously, “Three quarts of chocolate chip ice cream!?! Do you know how hard it is to get ice cream out of these containers?!”

  If I hadn’t been such a proponent of Tongue Fu!®, I might have been tempted to let loose the rather uncharitable comment on the tip of my tongue, which was, “Well, excuuuse meeee! I thought this was an ice cream store.”

  That sarcastic remark wouldn’t have made either of us feel any better. Instead, I held my tongue (Tongue Glue!) and asked myself: “Why would she say something like that?” Realizing how overwhelmed she probably felt, I inquired sympathetically, “Has it been that kind of day?”

  Her hostility disappeared. She let out a huge sigh and said, “Oh, yes! I’ve been the only one here all day, and it’s been nonstop since ten this morning. I was supposed to get off an hour ago, and the owner still hasn’t come in.” She continued to unburden herself while she packaged our ice cream. When we left, she gave us a big smile and a friendly wave. Such is the power of Tongue Fu!®

  Remember this powerful phrase next time a waiter or sales clerk is giving poor service; “Has it been one of those kind of days?” That empathetic question will probably help both of you regain a more positive perspective.

  How Do These Techniques Benefit Me?

  “Compassion binds us the one to the other – not in pity, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope.” Nelson Mandela

  The questions “How would I feel?” and “Why are they behaving this way?” can help you respond with compassion rather than contempt. Even if you’re not sure what’s behind someone’s aggressive behavior, the few seconds it takes to wonder abo
ut their motivation can keep you from saying something you’ll regret.

  A workshop participant challenged this idea. “I don’t agree. If someone gets on my nerves, they’re going to hear about it! Why should I play peacemaker if the other person is the one who’s out of line?”

  This participant had introduced an issue that cartoonist Ashleigh Brilliant addresses in the caption to one of his cartoons: “Why should I be willing to compromise when I’m the one who’s right?”

  Indeed. Why should we invest the time and energy to find out why someone is being unkind? Because it’s to our benefit. Responding to bad behavior with more bad behavior perpetuates the problem.

  There have always been and always will be difficult people in the world. If you make people pay for being unpleasant, you’re going to pay right along with them. Choosing to use an Empathy Phrase instead of giving in to your impatience keeps you from becoming involved in a no-win conflict.

  Am I Supposed To Ignore Poor Service?

  “Anyone who thinks there aren’t two sides to a conflict is probably in one.” Tongue Fu’ism

  A skeptic took exception to my “ice cream” story. He said, “I’m not buying this. What if the ice cream shop employee isn’t having a bad day? What if she’s plain old incompetent? Am I supposed to ignore her poor service?”

  Good point. If you’re light-hearted “Has it been one of those kind of days?” fails to change someone’s bad mood; you have a choice. You can realize this is not “world peace” and opt to shrug it off and go on your way.

  Or you may decide you don’t want to seemingly support someone’s bad behavior by ignoring it. If you choose to hold someone accountable for his/her poor service, increase the likelihood of a satisfactory outcome by using these four steps to complain constructively (vs. destructively).

  Step 1. Resist the urge to tell off an unpleasant employee. Any satisfaction you might get from reprimanding him or her would be short-lived. Your outburst would only reinforce their view that people are swine, would not motivate them to treat you better, and would ruin any chance of an amicable solution.

  Step 2. Inquire politely, “What is your name, please?”

  This simple phrase is often enough incentive for employees in a bad mood to treat you with more courtesy. Why? They are no longer anonymous. It’s a way of calling them on their behavior. They realize they will be held responsible for their discourteous service and are often motivated to be more courteous.

  Step 3. Say, “I am a long-time customer of this store (restaurant, dry cleaners, whatever), and would like to continue giving you my business. Please speak to me with respect so I will want to come back.”

  Step 4. If this effort to establish a more pleasant atmosphere doesn’t work, then ask to see the supervisor. (If the manager is not available, request his/her name so you can follow up by phone or with an online review via Yelp.)

  When the supervisor arrives, resist the urge to dump on the employee. If you are rude when reporting rude behavior, the person in charge will be more likely to believe and back the employee.

  Report the facts of the incident in a gracious way. The key is to re-create what happened without pitting yourself against the employee. Nothing will undercut your efforts faster than appearing hostile.

  Be sure to say you’ve been a satisfied customer before and this incident was not in keeping with your positive experience. Remain calm and speak politely yet purposefully. For example: “I know you take a lot of pride in your store, and I thought you might want to know the actions of this individual didn’t reflect that.”

  Appeal to the manager’s interest in maintaining a good reputation. “I’m bringing this to your attention because what happened is inconsistent with the standard of excellence you stand for. What can be done about this?”

  Reframe the way you perceive this. Some people are reluctant to complain because they don’t want to “cause trouble.” However, if you use a variation of this pro-active (vs. punitive) approach, you’re actually doing business owners a favor by bringing to their attention a situation that is losing them customers. They’ll often thank you for giving them an opportunity to re-establish good will and regain your business.

  Adopt A Gentler Way Of Looking At Things

  “As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had more of a tendency to look for people who have a gentler way of looking at things.” Martin Scorsese, American Film Director

  Tongue Fu!® is founded on the philosophy that not only is it possible, it’s preferable to have a gentler way of looking at things. If someone hurts you, that doesn’t make it right to hurt them back. Doing so will only make both of you unhappy.

  As Goethe observed, “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they’re capable of being.” By choosing to respond to unpleasant people with empathy rather than aggravation, you can often transform their hostility into harmony and make everyone happier in the process.

  Are you thinking, “This ‘gentle’ approach won’t work with a person in my life who is making me miserable. The kinder I am to this person, the crueler they become.” Hang in there. As mentioned, our first few chapters recommend diplomatic approaches that work with people who are, what I call, “situationally unhappy or upset.” These people aren’t being difficult on purpose. They’re “acting out” as a result of a “bad day.” They’re not intentionally trying to harass you. Compassionate communication is often enough to make these people aware of their inappropriate behavior. They’ll self-correct and choose to be more considerate.

  If you are dealing with a bully - someone who truly doesn’t care what is fair, someone who knowingly, deliberately and consistently mistreats others because it gets them what they want - you’ll discover more assertive techniques in the last half of this book.

  Please think of this as a banquet of ideas. If you are saying to yourself, “This suggestion doesn’t apply to the challenging situation I’m facing right now;” keep reading. Upcoming chapters cover all types of situations – from people who are temporarily angry and taking it out on you because you happen to be there – to people who purposely manipulate and dominate others because they have a pathological need to be in control. Keep reading and you’ll discover a variety of responses that will be relevant to the many circumstances you face.

  Action Plan - Fast Forward Through Frustration

  Imagine you’re at a theater, standing in line for refreshments. The two employees behind the counter can’t keep up with the demand. The movie is about to start, and it looks like you won’t get your snacks in time to catch the beginning. You’re not pleased with the slow service. How do you choose to respond?

  Words To Lose

  You can let everyone around you know how unhappy you are.

  "Why doesn’t management hire more employees? This is ridiculous. ”

  You can be impatient and exasperated.

  "Why don’t they hurry up? I’ve been waiting ten minutes. ”

  You can blame them for their “wrong” behavior.

  “You should have realized these were popular shows and scheduled more help.”

  You can continue to see things from only your point of view.

  “This is lousy service. I’m never coming back here again. I didn’t pay fifteen bucks to stand in line ”

  Words To Use

  You can respond and be sympathetic.

  “They’re working as fast as they can. They’re just understaffed.”

  You can be understanding and empathetic.

  “How would I feel if I was handling a crowd of this size?’’

  You can relax and choose to be compassionate.

  You say with a friendly smile, “Could I please have two plain popcorns and a fruit punch?”

  You can put yourself in their place, fast-forward through your frustration, and forgive them.

  “I can keep my peace of mind and rise above this petty incident. This isn’t that big a deal.”

  CHAPTER 3: DON
’T LECTURE; LISTEN

  “One person who takes the trouble to listen to us can change our whole outlook on the world.”

  – Elton Mayo of the Mayo Clinic

  What do you do if someone you care about starts pouring out her soul? Do you try to console her?

  What you may not realize is that well-intentioned words such as “Come on, look at the bright side” don’t change the way this person is looking at their situation. In fact, well-meaning advice such as “This happens to all of us” is more likely to shut people down than support them.

  Attempts to reason—“You can’t expect to do it perfectly the first time” or “You’ll feel better tomorrow”—only rankle.

  Why? Because when we’re unhappy; we want to be listened to, not lectured to. Well-intentioned attempts to find the “silver lining” are unwelcome. When people we care about are pouring out their soul, they really just want to talk about it and get it off their chest; they’re not looking for advice on how to fix it.

  Don’t Object, Reflect

  "Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” Sue Patton Thoele, American Author

  Next time you’re concerned about someone, use the Therapist’s Tool of reflecting (not objecting), of listening (not lecturing) to talk her through her problems rather than trying to talk her out of them.