Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  You can belabor an explanation and extend the argument.

  “The chef told us it was supposed to be just as good. He tasted it and said he couldn’t tell the difference ”

  You can refuse to take responsibility for something that’s not your fault.

  “It wasn't my decision. They should have taken it off the menu.”

  Words To Use

  You can ask yourself if what he is saying is basically true, and if so, agree with it.

  “You’re right, sir, the menu does say the salmon is fresh ...”

  You can apologize and take action to end the argument before it begins.

  . . . and I'm sorry you didn’t get what you requested. I'd be glad to replace it with another entree of your choice."

  You can thank them for bringing this to your attention and take the AAAA Train.

  “I appreciate you telling me this. We want to make sure you enjoy your meal and choose to come back.”

  CHAPTER 5: GRACEFULLY EXIT ARGUMENTS

  “.I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." - humorist Dave Barry

  What can you do if you become involved in an argument?

  It’s obvious you are never going to change their mind, and they are never going to change yours. If you continue on this cerebral cul-de-sac, you could end up hurting each other’s feelings and saying something that irreparably harms your relationship.

  A Russian proverb states, “Once a word is spoken it flies, you can’t catch it.” The purpose of this chapter is to help you learn how to catch angry words before they fly out of your mouth. You will discover several ways to diplomatically deal with arguments so you both can avoid saying something you regret.

  Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

  “Behind every argument lies someone’s ignorance.” – Louis D. Brandeis

  An effective way to sidestep stalemates is to observe, “We’re both right” and to then segue to a safer topic.

  In almost every controversy, each person has legitimate points. It’s not that one is true and the other is false, that one is good and the other is bad. Both “sides” have valid views. Instead of seeing each other as mortal enemies, understand you simply have opposite opinions about an emotional issue.

  A workshop participant said he wished he’d known this technique the preceding weekend. “My wife and I went to her parents’ house Sunday night for supper. During dinner I mentioned that the freeway construction was stalled again. What a mistake! My father-in-law said he was glad. ‘That freeway never should have been built in the first place! It’s devastating an important historical valley.’

  “Well, I spend over an hour each way commuting to work, five days a week. I told him I thought the highway was a necessary evil because there are four times as many cars as there were ten years ago, on the same number of roads. My wife’s dad grumbled that it was typical of my selfish generation to think more about our commute time than a significant archeological site.

  “I lost my patience and told him, ‘You can’t stop progress.’ That did it. My father-in-law threw down his napkin and stood up and walked away, saying, ‘I don’t have to sit here and listen to this at my own dinner table.’

  “I wish the whole thing had never happened. If I had been more alert to how volatile this subject was for him, I could have prevented the whole unfortunate incident by saying, ‘Let’s agree to disagree about this,’ and politely steered the conversation to something else.” He was correct. As Emily Post observed, “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.” After all, good manners are a part of good communication.

  Help Both Parties Save Face

  “Anyone who doesn’t think there are two sides to an argument is probably in one!” Tongue Fu’ism

  Imagine you and your partner disagree about how to discipline your teenager, who is misbehaving. You feel your partner is too punitive. She thinks you’re too permissive. Your discussion about this issue escalates into a family feud.

  Your mate says, “He’s never going to respect us if we don’t start showing him who’s running this household.” You say, “He’s going to become even more rebellious if we ground him.” Your partner argues, “It’s our home. If he wants to live here, he has to abide by our rules.” You counter with “He’s seventeen, almost an adult. You can’t treat him like a child.” And so on.

  Use the five words “We’re on the same side” to regain perspective before you become the house divided against itself. That one sentence can help you work side by side instead of side against side.

  Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean you have to be enemies. Saying “Hey, we both want the same thing” can help you remember you both have the same destination, just different ways of getting there. These phrases get you out of an adversarial mode and guide you back into working cooperatively to resolve a shared concern.

  A woman said resignedly, “These techniques are nice, but they won’t work with my husband. He’s got to win every argument.

  If you share this woman’s dilemma, don’t worry. We’ll discuss in detail how you can tactfully terminate one-sided conversations later in the book. In fact, there’s a whole chapter dedicated to this topic because it’s such a universal dilemma.

  Disengage From Dead-End Discussions With Dignity

  “We’re in a giant car heading toward a brick wall and everyone’s arguing over where they’re going to sit." David Suzuki, Canadian Scientist

  Have you ever negotiated a contract and got stalled in an impasse? Or, tempers are flaring and you’re headed for a proverbial “brick wall?” The other side isn’t willing to budge, and neither are you. If you press this point, you could sacrifice all that you have accomplished.

  Say, “Let’s come back to this one,” and then move on to a less controversial aspect of the agreement. This phrase is the key to changing the subject without having to change your mind. Later on, when you have reestablished an amicable atmosphere, return to the stumbling block and tackle it under more favorable circumstances.

  I was lunching with several colleagues and the conversation turned to the governor’s race. The campaign had turned ugly, with each party charging the other with dirty deeds. My companions were on opposite sides of the political fence, and their discussion became heated. One turned to me and asked, “Who do you think should be elected governor?” I wasn’t about to get involved in their no-win debate. I put my hands up and said with a smile, “Leave me out of this one.”

  Give People A Face-Saving Out

  “To think is to differ.” – Clarence Darrow

  People who think differently often become attached to their positions and don’t want to reverse themselves. They dig in their heels and persist to resist. The phrases in this chapter and others such as “different strokes for different folks” and “six of one, half-dozen of another” are all gentle ways to give participants a face-saving out so they can detour a dispute.

  A fellow trainer and I had the privilege of attending a seminar given by a revered management visionary (then in his eighties). It became apparent as the program progressed that this brilliant pioneer was slipping in and out of his full mental faculties. One moment he would be lucid and articulate, the next he would ramble on about a completely unrelated subject.

  At one point, he took a firm stance that was the exact opposite of the position he had taken earlier. An audience member brought this reversal to his attention. Our speaker vehemently denied he had made the original statement and took umbrage that this attendee had had the audacity to challenge him. The participant, convinced he was right, persevered.

  My friend, an expert on negotiation, could tell this test of wills wasn’t going to serve anyone in the room. Neither person intended to back down, and their clash could continue ad infinitum to no av
ail. So he stood up and in a courteous yet firm voice said, “You’re both right.” He went on to give examples supporting each viewpoint and then asked a leading question about the next step on the handout to graciously and subtly get the speaker back on course.

  Male vs. Female Styles

  “We mistakenly believe that if our partners love us, they will act and behave in certain ways—the ways we react and behave when we love someone." - John Gray

  In Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and You Just Don't Understand, John Gray and Deborah Tannen have done an excellent job of explaining why couples end up arguing. Because men and women tend to have different communication styles, they often misinterpret what the other is saying. A man may take his wife’s claim that she’s unhappy personally instead of realizing she’s just letting off steam. The woman may resent her husband’s well-meaning attempts to offer advice when all she wants is a sympathetic shoulder. Despite loving intentions, these breakdowns in communication result in hurt-filled conflicts.

  The good news is that even though men and women operate on different frequencies, they can learn to communicate on the same wavelength. Women can learn that grumbling is good (Gray points out that it means the man is considering the woman’s request versus his needs), and men can learn that when a woman talks about her troubles, she doesn’t necessarily want her guy to fix it. If you’re in a relationship, these books’ insights can help you and your partner maintain your marital magic.

  Cultural Differences Mean Communication Differences

  “We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter their color.” Maya Angelou, American Author and Poet

  A fellow professional speaker who is an expert on international protocol said to be sure to mention how important it is to honor cultural customs. After giving hundreds of training programs on diversity, Sondra is still shocked at how little Americans know about what is appropriate when dealing with people from other countries. “Before traveling abroad, for business or for pleasure, take the time to study the country’s etiquette so you don’t unintentionally offend residents by violating their cultural norms.” Sondra added, “Be sensitive to the different ethnic groups in your company or community. Many arguments arise because people naively assume their way of doing things is the only way and the right way.

  A supervisor in one of the companies I consult with didn’t hire a talented college graduate because the young woman kept her face averted during the entire interview. ‘She wouldn’t even look me in the eye,’ he grumped. ‘How could I trust her?’ he wrongly concluded. What he didn’t know was that young people in some Asian cultures are taught to defer to seniors by lowering their eyes.”

  Sharing the same language doesn’t guarantee we share the same interpretation of what is being said or done. Realize that people are different, and different is not wrong. As much as we may want to, it’s nearly impossible to be prepared to identify every cultural difference we run across. So, before you interpret a behavior, you might ask for clarification by using the phrase: “I noticed…”

  The supervisor could have said to the interviewee: “I noticed you have not made eye-contact with me.” Sometimes just making the statement opens the door for the other person to provide their reasons for the behavior. The interviewee may have said, “I was nervous” or “I was trying to show respect” which would have prevented a needless misunderstanding.

  Others may need a little more prompting to clear the air. You can follow up your “I noticed” statement with the genuine question: “How would you like me to understand this?” “What significance does this hold for you?” or “I’d like to have more clarity about this.”

  By expressing your genuine curiosity about an observed behavior, you can make a space in the conversation for the other person to fill in the cultural gaps. Now you’ve begun a conversation that educates you and helps the other person feel accepted by your display of curiosity rather than judgment.

  From now on don’t let differences turn into disagreements. Use “save face” phrases so everyone can win and remember you don’t have to be enemies just because you don’t see things eye to eye.

  Action Plan - Gracefully Exit Arguments

  You have reserved the neighborhood park for your parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary. You’re setting up the picnic tables and banners when another family shows up and insists they reserved the park for their son’s graduation party. They accuse you of taking over the pavilion and threaten to call security to escort you off the property. What do you do?

  Words To Lose

  You get drawn into the debate.

  “Hold on a minute. We have as much right to the park as you do.”

  You establish an adversarial atmosphere and escalate the argument.

  “You should have gotten here earlier if you wanted these tables.”

  You use "you" words, which angers them even more.

  “If you think you can just barge in and move us out, you’re wrong.”

  You lock on to your own position and see them as the enemy.

  “I can't believe this. We've been planning this for months. How could they have messed this up?”

  Words To Use

  You avoid a debate.

  “I know we can work something out.”

  You establish an agreeable atmosphere and escape from the argument.

  “Let’s see if we can arrange to get some extra tables set up.”

  You use "we" words to avoid an impasse.

  “We can see if there's a record of how they allocated the areas later. For now...”

  You move to desired results and work side by side.

  “Let’s see how we can share the space so we can be ready when our guests arrive. We both want the same thing.”

  CHAPTER 6: NAME THE GAME

  “Tact is, after all, a kind of mind-reading.” – Sarah Orne Jewett

  Would you like to know what to do if someone is deliberately trying to manipulate you?

  A fundamental law of negotiation states, “A recognized tactic is no longer effective.” If you catch someone intentionally trying to undermine you, eliminate their unscrupulous tactics by exposing them.

  From this day forward, as soon as you sense someone is playing head games with you, name his or her game to cancel it. To do this, mentally step out of the situation, read their mind to identify what their intent is, ask yourself what is happening, and then state your observation.

  Make The Covert Overt

  “Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.” – t-shirt slogan

  Tongue Fu!® is about finesse, not fighting. Our goal is to neutralize aggression by bringing negative tactics to light. If someone is creating chaos, panic and disorder; call them on it!

  For example, a newlywed couple was ready to buy their first car together. After researching online and finding their perfect car and its going price, they went to their local dealer. The car they were looking for, color and everything, was on the lot and available. They took a test drive, loved the car and were ready to sign the contract when the salesperson said, “I’ll be right back. I’ve got to clear this price with my boss.”

  After waiting for almost twenty minutes, the couple realized the salesman was pulling the good guy/bad guy routine. HE had noticed how eager the couple was to drive the car off the lot, so he decided to let them sit and stew for a while. He figured that if the couple would grow anxious and be willing to pay more.

  Sure enough, that was the broker’s intent. He finally returned and insincerely apologized. “Gee, I’m sorry this took so long. I tried to wrangle my boss down, but he insists we’ve got to get $22,000 for that car with those add-ons. He says we are already giving you a bargain price, and we can’t let it go for any less.”

  The couple named the game. They wanted to make a point, not an enemy, so they calmly said, “Hmmm, the good guy/bad guy routine, eh? Well, w
e’ve checked online and know this is the going price. If you’d like to sell a car today, we’re ready to sign the contract for $22,000 right now. If not, we’ll take our business elsewhere.”

  The salesman knew he’d been caught out and agreed to the price. Deal done.

  Thwart Tactics

  “The minute you settle for less than you deserve; you get even less than you settled for.” – Maureen Dowd

  What if someone is pressuring you to make a decision? They are probably hoping that in your haste, you’ll settle for something and make concessions you wouldn’t otherwise.

  Imagine you’re at a meeting and a colleague is pressuring you to approve a project. You intuit that she’s trying to pressure you into making a decision now because she doesn’t have a strong case. You can counteract that ploy by saying, “You’re not trying to rush me into a decision, are you?” Not anymore, she’s not!

  A woman approached me before a seminar and said, “I’m taking this course because I’m thinking about quitting my job. I work for a father/son law firm. Mr. Murphy Sr. will give me a stack of invoices to prepare, and fifteen minutes later, Murphy Jr. will stop by my desk and ask me to locate some legal files. An hour later Murphy Sr. gets angry because his invoices didn’t get mailed. Meanwhile, Murphy Jr. wants to know where the legal files are. I can’t take it anymore. They’re driving me crazy.”

  I recommended she mentally step outside the situation so she could see it objectively. I suggested she ask herself, “What’s happening here?” She observed, “They’re putting me in the middle.” Then say that.